Dear baby girl,
I asked you for a sign, just to let me know you're there...that everything's going to be alright. I got two. A text from Bella & a message from Auntie Z with the pic above. <3<3
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I didn't end up going to the cookout, which is happening today. It's just been Rocky & I. I think I did the right thing. Like that quote above says: The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to quiet the mind.
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Daddy & Sissy are back to tonight. Bella is staying behind & coming back in a couple of days with both your uncles, Camryn & Brooklyn to go camping close by.
The same day Sissy's moving to her dorm.
What can I say about this my angel?
Things have not been right with Sissy & I for some time now. We really haven't been speaking & when we try we end up in an argument or disagreement.
The last time we argued was just a few days ago, she made a comment that I haven't really helped her throughout the whole college process.
The whole reason we were arguing is because she had not yet turned in her immunization records to the college, which is due before classes begin- in just one week & she can't start without it. Something I've reminded her several times since the very beginning of summer...
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It really got to me- to hear those words. That I haven't helped. After everything I've done. It hurt.
After everything we're still doing- like taking out loans to pay for her college, which has put us in a really tight spot.
But it seems like none of that matters. It doesn't matter that I called in sick to go to her orientation because they denied me vacation for those two days. Or her graduation party that I worked so hard for...the list goes on. Why even bother.
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These things may seem trivial baby girl.
But at the same time I've still been working on the picture project. Looking through picture after picture. Memory after memory. Years after years.
It's made me sentimental- maybe even sensitive & sad.
All those years & all those memories with you & then they stop.
All those years of being a mom to you & your sisters. Recalling all the good times but all the bad times too- all the hardship, pain & tears. And for what?
Now you're gone. I couldn't save you.
And now your sister is leaving on bad terms. We probably won't speak. Our relationship has changed. Two relationships lost.
After all the heartache & the love I invested in being a mother. After sacrificing so much, giving my heart & soul.
Maybe I've fooled myself. Maybe I didn't do a good job. Maybe I've made too many mistakes.
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I can't go back now to repair it.
I don't have the energy to.
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They say things happen for a reason- so maybe this needs to happen my mouse. Maybe your sister needs to move away from home to realize what home is.
She won't have anyone cooking or cleaning after her. Reminding her to meet her deadlines. No nagging from me.
She claims to be an adult- now she will have to be.
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Maybe it will be good for me too. It'll give us our space. Maybe even with time, we can heal & miss each other & try again. Like I did with my own mother.
Ironic isn't it? How life is. I always thought I was different from my mom. But now look.
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I guess it's something that most of us go through baby girl. Or so I hear from everyone else. From the beginning of time. The cycle of life.
That's what I try & remember when dealing with Sissy. Remind myself of how I was her age- true that I got into more trouble & made many bad decisions. But at her age too- I was helping to raise my brother. I was working part-time & helping to pay the bills. When I started college- I was paying it on my own with truly no help from my parents, because at that point my mother's mental health was really deteriorated. My dad was tired too...
I guess we all have to learn our own way baby girl.
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I wish your sister all the best. I will miss her. It's going to be an adjustment for all of us- specially Bella, who's still very much the light in my life.
This whole weekend she's been the only one to call & text to check up on me. Sending me notes telling me she loves me & is always there for me. Not a peep from Daddy or Sissy.
Everyone thinks Sissy & I butt heads so much because we're so much alike, but I don't agree. She's very much like your father. They're both probably upset. They make things all about them. Like I tell Bella- you're the only one baby girl.
So I will embrace her love & enjoy her as much as I can & pray that the dreadful teenage years don't take over too soon ;)
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It's almost time to walk Rocky my beautiful girl.
I'm going to go to church & say a little prayer. I'll go visit you & feel you close.
Other than that, it's too hot & humid to do anything else.
I will enjoy the silence today, feeling better now that I vented here to you too.
I love you so much.
I wonder if me & you would of reached these terrible teen years too- probably but in a different way. I can't picture it. I don't want to.
In my heart & mind, you will always be as you left us.
My little girl. My angel.
Forever & ever,
Mommy
It has been my experience that I didn't know what my parents did for me until I became one... Until I finally could lean upon myself even in moments when my heart was breaking, rather than burden my mom... When I chose not to worry her anymore, and instead stand on my own 2 feet. knowing at any time that I had the option to run home, but wanted her to be proud of me.
ReplyDeleteThat time will come. Your relationship with K. isn't over our gone. It's in a stage of transition, and change as you well know, is anything but easy. She is trying to feel grown and independent. She has her own perceptions and ideas and is trying to find herself. I don't think she means to argue with you... The world just is in her mind a certain way, and one day she'll see its not... Until then, be patient and know she'll come around. No one, ever can truly say you haven't been an exceptional mom.
Thank you Zuli, means a lot.💜 We had a good talk today. I didn’t want her leaving on bad terms. We may not always agree on everything but the love is there. I guess even at this age we still have to go through growing pains. 💜
DeleteI’m sorry sis. Not the way I know you intended to say goodbye either. 🥺
ReplyDeleteSometimes all of our efforts are overlooked. I have felt this way many times too. I have heard the boys make comments before and it hurts to the core, more than they will ever know. Even C, doesn’t always say the best and seemingly at the worst times for me, at times.
I don’t know how this transition personally feels, but, I can see it and feel it from others. People label it as an empath. A person deeply feeling the reactions and energy of others, and I can tell it is very hard. More so than the younger years, teenage years, because your baby is truly ‘off’ on her own.
For so long, you’ve been the momma bird making sure she has what she needs, and now, she is going to fly into the world. I know she will never be far, but, she is yearning for freedom and getting to know the world she’s in now. Wrapt up in her own transition and I’m sure having her own emotions about it all. K and T are alike in the way that they don’t show much emotion.
Last night, I could feel Ty’s anxiety through the walls. C was upset that he was walking around and not getting rest—arguing with me about ‘taking it too calmly’ and I had to explain to him what was happening. Finally the light bulb came on for him, and he understood. I went in Tys room and asked him if he was okay, knowing he wasn’t, and he explained he couldn’t sleep. I tried suggesting some methods and told him we took his phone because it seemed to keep him up more than help him. He took one suggestion and began to read and after a long while of reading out loud, we were all able to sleep.
I’ve learned to adapt to who he is. He is different in many ways, more like C in many ways too, but, I’ve had to learn to accept those traits even if I don’t always agree. It’s harder for him to bond, show affection, all the signs that tell us that ‘they love us’, but, I know he does. I know Kayla loves and appreciates you too. I just don’t think she sees the ‘big picture’ and all that has gone on in order for her to step in her dorm and experience what she feels she needs at this very moment. Maybe lost in it all, she’s forgetting to show gratitude and appreciation.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that our kids don’t know what we do. The things we endured, or missed out in, or didn’t have, ultimately it isn’t their life. We made every sacrifice to ensure it so.
You are a mom that inspires me. I mean that with all my heart.
I know that right now the bumping of heads will not always be so. Maybe she will be different, perhaps because life has afforded her more opportunities than you, she will not be able to see what you see, but, as she experiences life, I know that she will begin to unveil more and more and you will come together again one day. Just listen. Remember to check in even when she doesn’t, I know that’s hard...but, I know you care and want to know. And maybe that time where she needs it the most, and you check in, she will get that ‘light bulb’ moment and understand how lucky she is to have you. How much of a great mom you’ve been and how much dedication and sacrifice you made to help her stand on her own two feet.
Just know that others see it now and always have.
I’m sorry I didn’t check up on you. I have been in a zone lately and just know the light bulb went off in my head. My heart and thoughts have not been far, just like I know hers isn’t either.
💜💜💜 love you 😘
Love you too sis, I have been in a zone too! I know the feeling. Thank you for always encouraging me...I have to work on adapting like you say, that’s the hardest for me. I have to realize she’s her own person & accept the way she is, even with the things that we don’t agree on. Even though we try & teach them & guide them in the direction we think is right, it’s not always going to the case who we’re always right. At this age, they have yet to mature but they pretty much are who they are as a person & personality...as a parent we just have to continue to love them. 💜💜
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