Memory

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Memory

Dear baby girl,

Today I wasn’t feeling too hot. Had KFC last night & my stomach was killing me all night. Today I had virus symptoms, temp, chills,nausea, hot flashes...not fun.

Missed Natalia’s 11th birthday party- you know your mom must of really been sick to miss that. But I got some much needed rest, now I can’t sleep.

I have brushed my teeth three times, gargled & everything & I can still taste the chicken, gross! So pretty sure it was that. Anyway my mouse, it reminded me of the time you got sick after eating their Mac n cheese. You must of been like 3 or 4 years old, we had recently moved to the Bristow house. Mac n cheese was one of your favorites. We had just eaten there & went directly to Target to do some shopping. You were sitting in front, where kids are supposed to sit (that rarely happened because you hated being restricted to sitting, you’d cry for me to put you down so you could run around & knock stuff down in the aisles). We had the cart full of stuff & getting ready to leave when you suddenly turned your head & threw up everywhere! Mac n cheese all over the cart, you, me & you started to howl so loud an employee came over. I remember the look on his face when he saw the puke.

He was so nice though, I stood frozen, didn’t know what to do. He said, “Go ahead mam, I’ll take care of this. Go clean your child in the bathroom.” I thanked him & picked you up & ran! Oh you were so mad. :(

You didn’t eat that Mac n cheese for years. It took you so long to get over it, as little as you were you remembered it was KFC. Definitely no more KFC.

Things I can laugh about now. Things I went through with you girls. Another time almost getting into a fight with this lady at the same Target because you were throwing one of your epic tantrums. I think she thought I was beating you. She was making comments to her daughter in front of me, maybe thinking I was deaf or didn’t speak English. She soon learned she was wrong. But we had to leave because you would not let down.

You were feisty even then. :) My tiny mouse.
...

Oh babygirl.

Thought about so much today. Natalia turning 11, you were just two weeks away from your 11th. I saw her yesterday and was looking at her thinking how much taller you were. How you would carry her on your hip as little as you were.

Everyone’s growing up. But you will forever stay 10. :(

Today was also st. Patty’s day. At one point I wanted to get some air, so I took a car ride with Daddy to see you at the gardens. Left some St Patty’s roses for you. Also we wanted to go mulch your tree at the school. Your’s & Conner’s. <3

Also left a few windmills & solar light flowers. Your tree got so tall!

...

One day at a time my angel. That is all we could do. My mind is full of thoughts tonight but I will just end with this one. How much we love & miss you. Everyday. Some days I am so full of hope, others I’m just so tired. But I’m trying. We all are- for you. <3

Goodnight my sweet girl.
I hope to see you in my dreams again. Like the other morning, which I have to write about too. Such a special gift to see you again, to feel you in my arms.

I always get the feeling that you miss me too. <3

I’m always here, ok?

Always always,
Mommy

~

<3

Tyler made this at school- butterfly & dolphin mug. <3
It always fills my heart to know how much the boys love
& remember you. You are forever imprinted in our hearts. 

March

My sweet girl,

The weather’s finally changing. Warmer, longer days & it’s also March. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking more of you. Not that I ever don’t...

But it’s been so crazy & so busy. With my mom & everything else. Ever since daylight savings I feel an energy change.

It may also be that things have been turning around for everyone. Good news all around our little family circle- finally. Finally babygirl. It eases my heart & mind. I can exhale.

Starting with my mom & then Auntie & Uncle Mikey.
...

Nanny’s words kept ringing in my head. When she said God won’t ever leave us. To have faith that everything would work out. I never gave up hope, but I had my doubts. But she was right. I have to call her & thank her. <3

It seems though that when my mind isn’t occupied on worrying or caring for others, it reverts back to sadder thoughts of you. Missing you. That familiar ache that I’ve learned to live with intensifies & I just can’t ignore it or make it go away.

I’ve learned that the best thing to do is feel it. Face it. It’s my connection to you- as much as my love is, so is my grief.

Bella felt it too last night- driving back from her ballet class. We were talking about that last day with you. Tears were falling. We miss you Mouse. We can’t help wonder all the what if’s... how things would be today if you were still here.
...

I went to sleep thinking of you & woke up just the same. I came downstairs for my usual first cup of coffee & I saw this purple glow coming from our sunroom. The rest of the house was still dark, the sun still hadn’t come out yet. I walked over to the window & saw this:

This is the true color, no filter. Never seen it so purple & blue. 

That’s where the purple glow was coming from. It was so pretty babygirl, so calm & quiet & serene. I had to take a picture to remember my angel.

It was reminder that you are everywhere & if we look hard enough, we will see you. Sometimes we don’t even have to look that far or that hard. You are in everything beautiful.

A sign from you. A sign from God.

The feeling is so strong my angel, I feel so humbled. And yet strengthed to go on another day.

I love you little girl. April is right around the corner. I will need more reminders I’m sure. But for today, I’ll take this one.

I will also remember to stay humble. To give thanks for all our recent blessings.

One more day babygirl, closer to you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy that loves & misses you. <3

Haileyfly

<3

Baby girl,

We saw this butterfly on our first day. We had just arrived. My mom was waiting for us at the airport. I didn't even tell her what time our flight was- just the date. I told her I'd meet her at Dumbo's (the last restaurant we went to on your last night, before the hospital) at 11 am, giving us enough time to get to our hotel & get changed.

But she couldn't wait. She waited a couple hours at the airport & was about to leave, maybe thinking I was fooling her. She was sitting in a bus, still looking at the entrance hoping by chance I would appear. When we did. Immediately her face lit up & I saw her smile from across the street.

My heart instantly smiled back. It was a great reunion baby girl. I'm sure you were there. She was happy to see me, but also Bella & Papi. They were a surprise, because I hadn't told her they were coming.

A little later, we went to El Prado, the main plaza in Cochabamba where all the restaurants are. We ate delicious saletenas- at the request of your sister. It was a nice warm sunny day. We went for a walk afterwards, taking pictures, walking & talking. El Prado is always busy with people & cars. Not a place you would imagine seeing a lot of butterflies.

But there she was.

Bella saw it first. Bright orange, to make sure we could see her...

She flew down directly in front of us, landing in front of our path.

She stayed there for a while & didn't budge. We thought she was hurt, but when Bella reached down to check, she woke & fluttered back to the skies where she came from.

Saying hello, I see you. I love you. I'm ok. Until I see you again....

Our Haileyfly <3

My heart was so full of emotion my angel.

At that moment I could feel God's touch. I could feel everyone's prayers. I could feel you.

I was so thankful.
...

Even though the pain tears me up, breaks me open, nearly kills me....

Underneath all the ashes & rubble, something grows there. Something delicate & beautiful. I can't describe it in words.

All I say is that it gives me hope & strength. Enough to continue my time on this Earth. Until I see you again.

And it gave me hope & strength for the time I was in Bolivia.

God knows I needed it.

<3

I love you Hailey.

Now & forever,
Your mommy
...

Resigned part 1

My little girl,

Just a week ago, I was spending the last day of our trip with my mom.

After days of running around, searching & looking at different apartments. Calling, walking, taxi's, appointments. Tensions & emotions running high. Exhaustion. Both physical & mental. Sunday came quickly & we were back to square one. I gave up. I felt resigned.

The whole week was a whirlwind baby girl.
...

I didn't want to leave. But my only consolation was that I was leaving my mom in a better state than I found her.

The first few days I was broken hearted. Because of you- because of my mom. From afar, she looked well. Even better physically than I remember. She was well dressed, wearing make-up & jewelry. But up close, I saw the white hair growing around her temples. The increased lines around her eyes- that in her own words, were "shrunken" with age.

She talked incessantly. Because of her nerves, her anxiety that gets the better of her. Because of her loneliness. Never of anything that made any sense. Jumping from the past to the present, in a reality different from ours.

I searched for my mom in her eyes & for some moments I could see her, but then she'd disappear again.

Scars on both her face, neck & arms from the scratching she does, creating sores, due to her anxiety & in her own words- because she gets bored sometimes from having nothing else to do. :(
...

It took at least 3 days of listening & talking patiently. Of reassurenace, of love & hugs. Mainly from your sister, who was so good with her, Mouse. It amazed me. My mom responded to her the most. I was so glad I decided to bring her after all. It warmed my heart to watch them together.

It took at least that long, and an arguement....before she started to calm. Before she realized that we were all just trying to help...it was tough baby girl.

To feel so helpless, in a hopeless situation.
...

In between the craziness, we did manage to make some memories my mouse. We did some sightseeing, ate some good food, took great pics. But by that last day, I woke up deciding no more calls, no more taxi's or appointments or apartments. I was just going to spend it with her. Enjoying it together. And that's exactly what we did.

And to my suprise; almost like a gift from God or the universe, my mom was the most "normal" I'd seen her in such a long time...

She heard me tell my tio on the phone that I was just going to enjoy the day with her & it's almost like she agreed, or was relieved to hear it, so that her nerves allowed her some freedom, at least for a day.

It was my reward. It made the trip worth it.
...

That's all I ever wanted my angel. Ever since I could remember. As a little girl, as a teen, as an adult. For my mom to be happy & normal.

I felt what that would feel like, for the very first time & I didn't want to let it go.

We talked, had normal conversations, laughed, walked together, shopped. I was her daughter & she was my mom, With her grandaughter, spending quality time together.

I will never forget it.

Grandma & Bella

...

The next day, that feeling continued & neither of us cried at the airport. It's like we didn't want to ruin it with tears. We were still sad of course, but our hearts still so full from our visit.

It's lasted even up until yesterday baby girl. Even though she's stressed & worried still, as am I, about her finding a place. At least I could honestly talk to her about it. She still had all her senses.

It's amazing what love can do baby girl. So many years I resented my mom for her illness, words & actions. It took almost 20 years of healing in order for me to get to his place of understanding & forgiveness. Of resigntion & acceptance.

I no longer expect her to change. I'll just love her for what she is.

Maybe that's what we all need.
...

I love you baby girl.

So damn much.

The second part of this letter is about you & our trip. I will write in another night this week. It deserves another letter of it's own. <3

I miss you with all my heart.

Thank you for being there. For always being here.

Love,
Mommy

~