Signs

My dear beautiful girl,

 

Yesterday we went fishing on the Shenandoah River. It was actually my idea. I wanted to get out of the house, a quick get away to somewhere quiet & peaceful. Exactly what I wished for, far enough away from home, but not too far. Being out there, absorbing the sun by the water,  surrounded by trees, mountains, birds, purple wild flowers, made me feel closer to you.

Don't think I didn't see the signs. The yellow monarch butterfly that followed us for a few miles stretch, flying around the raft, in front of our faces? I knew it was you. What I didn't see until this morning, when I uploaded the pics, were these of Daddy and sissy, the moment Daddy caught that cat fish. The purple reflection shining down on our raft, was this you too? Or sun and camera tricks?



                                                  What a coincidence, that purple is your favorite color too. There were purple wildflowers all along the river banks.

 

Maybe everything is a coincidence since we're always thinking of you. I'm sure you know Daddy ended up throwing that catfish back in the water. We all started to feel sorry for it, bashing around in the cooler, fighting for it's life. Bella reminded us that you would of been upset too, since you loved animals so much. We decided to go out to dinner later instead. Better for me, no cooking or cleaning fish guts. :)

Thank you for coming to see me my mouse. I didn't go the whole day without crying, thinking of you. But, we smiled, laughed & yelled at each other like we normally would do. (After being stuck on a raft for 3 hours, trying to teach your sisters how to paddle and going in circles and circles :) It was fun. It almost felt like we were normal again. Even though I know that will never be. There will always be that missing link; you.

We are permanently scarred and changed. But what will never change is our love for you, and for each other. Daddy & I decided we owe it to you, to ourselves, and your sisters to try and continue on...

Thinking last night before bed, my Mother's day prayer to you: I was so lucky to be your Mommy. I don't have any regrets when it comes to you and your sisters. I just wish I would of known about your illness sooner. I wish, so many things...but can't change what's happened.

But if I have anything to be thankful for, it's that I have almost 11 years worth of memories with you. I will cherish each one, for the rest of my days, and each memory thereafter will not be made without thinking of you.

I love you everyday of my life.

Forever your mommy.

**UPDATE**

 

WHY BUTTERFLIES? "Since early times, the butterfly has symbolized renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful, and freer existence. Frequently, the butterfly is seen with the word ‘Nika,’ which means victory. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross movingly tells of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children’s dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elizabeth believes in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concludes that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as a symbol -- a sign of hope to them that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom -- a comforting thought to many." - The Compassionate Friends
Facilitator Handbook