Memories

Dear Hailey,

In the past couple of weeks, I've printed hundreds of pictures that I've had stored on my camera, phone & Facebook. Going back a couple years even. I didn't realize there were so many...and now I'm so grateful for them. You would tease me about posting pics on FB, remember? Every time I'd ask you girls to pose, you'd say "Omg mommy, are you going to post these on FB?" You'd roll your eyes, but deep down inside I knew you liked the attention. The family would tease me too. Every family get together, I'd be the one with camera in my hand. Now I know why...

It's been both a painful & healing process to go through them. Starting with the memorial service, I had to choose some for the slide show. Once the service was over, I couldn't just put them away. Not only because I didn't want to, but because now I have to choose some for the bronze plaque that will be permanently placed on your grave.

I came up with a memory book idea; a scrapbook. I spent a couple of hours at Michael's one day going through stickers, scrapbook albums, paper, patterns...the staff ladies walked by a couple of times probably wondering what I was doing. I spent a lot of money too. But I didn't care about that... I want it to be special. There are pictures, albums, & picture frames scattered all around the living room.

Staring at them daily has made me realize some things.

Over the years, Daddy & I were not the perfect parents. We could of tried better to give you girls a house, save for college or even for our retirement. But we didn't. We liked to have fun. We liked to buy things. We liked to go out to eat, go to the movies, go on trips, family outings....we spoiled you girls.

It's all in the pictures baby. All our adventures: from living in New York, to our trips to New Jersey, California, Tennessee, Florida (Disney World), DC, beach trips, festivals, zoos, circuses, concerts, museums, Ice shows, ice skating, fishing, amusement parks...All your birthday parties, & holidays. School field trips. All the Easter egg hunts with your cousins...sooo many memories.

And I don't regret any of it. If I could do it all over again, I would.

If I had no memories of you, or of us to sustain me right now & instead just a big empty house with expensive furniture, I don't think I would of made it this far. It's all meaningless. The only material things I cherish, are the little things you left behind. The art & cards you made for me in school, on Mother's days, birthdays, all your writings; those small things are more valuable than gold.

Yes, it's painful to realize that is all I have left of you. But next to nothing, I'll take it. I will continue to look at them when I miss you. In the pictures & videos, I will look for your smile, laugh, all those expressions that I miss. I will hear your voice. They will remind me that even though you only had a short time with us, they were the best times ever.

We weren't perfect, but we loved & provided for you girls the best we could. I hope you know that baby...I hope you feel the same way. I hope that if you see my crying when I'm alone looking at our memories, it's only because I wish we could have another lifetime more together. That in my pain, there is also joy in knowing that you lived a happy almost-eleven years on this Earth.



Sisters for life. Just a pin drop of memories.

I wouldn't change it for the world. Not for all the money, clothes, jewelry, cars...nothing. None of that stuff matters in the end. From the beginning, you girls were always enough.

I love you & miss you more, with every breath I take, my beautiful angel.

I will hang on to our memories forever. They will live in all our hearts. They will be passed on...

Until we see you again.

Forever your mommy <3