Remembering

Dear sweet mouse,

I should be going to sleep, so I can get up early for work tomorrow. But I have so much on my mind. Mainly, you...

There is so much I want to tell you. So much I want to share. I wish you were lying next to me in bed, telling me about your day in great detail, like you used to. I would love to listen to you talk, with such enthusiasm. You were so cute, the way you would just ramble on & on, sometimes without pausing or taking a breath...so excited sometimes you'd stutter your words, but then continue to talk.

You would listen to me back, with great attention. Your brown eyes looking right at me, listening to every word & chiming in every now & then. You always took what I said seriously. All you girls. It made me feel good to know you had so much respect and that my opinion on things mattered so much to you.

I would take great care in sharing my thoughts with you, because I realized the great effect & influence I had.

In moments of silence, like now....I can still hear your voice. Telling me about the drama in school, or drama with the family or your sisters, or something in the news. We would talk until we got tired, & couldn't talk anymore. Then I would say goodnight, sweet dreams my mouse.

These memories I hold so dear, and fear that if I don't recall them, if I don't keep them close to me...I'll forget. It's my biggest fear baby, and I don't think people understand that too much. I've heard & read comments like, "time to let go" or "move on".

My Tia, meaning well, made a hurtful comment to me this past weekend. It was after that health scare I had, that her, Papi & everyone else attributed to my "depression". She said, "It's time to move on, for your own good. It's time to stop with the memories."

She doesn't know...that it's the memories I want to keep alive now more than ever. They just don't know and it's useless to explain. They are not the ones who lost their child. Daddy & I are the only ones that know.

This quote was from The Bereaved Parent book I'm reading:

"The only thing worse than speaking ill of the dead, is not speaking of them at all."

I get it. I get that it makes some people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Which has happened...I try not to say anything in response. Again, how to you explain the anguish to people using plain words? Soul shattering? Life ending?

 I just try and remember that people mean well, overall. They are just worried & concerned & trying to help. But if they are really uncomfortable or disagree how I'm handling my own grief, they should just remove me from Facebook or not read my posts...

Ten, twenty, fifty years from now if someone were to read this blog, or my journal, or stupid Facebook....I want them to know you once existed. I want your sisters to read back one day to recall this time, however painful & know how hard we fought as a family to live on. To remember the love, to remember you.

A beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, little innocent girl...my daughter, who was such a blessing in all our lives. That we are better people for sharing our lives with you & the world is a better place because you lived.

That there is a terrible disease called Type 1 diabetes that took your life too soon, & we will fight in your name, in your honor to spread awareness, so it doesn't take another precious life.

That is what remembering does for me, & I hope it does in the future.

It's the story of our journey, our lives and it keeps you alive. At least in my heart...

Sweet dreams my angel.

I love you to the moon & back. I miss you..

Forever your mommy. <3