~

I love and miss you.

~

Four leafed clovers

My mouse,

I woke up this morning abruptly with an image of your beautiful face. Thanks to Rocky's wining, wanting to use the bathroom, it was actually in the middle of the night sometime. The image must of been from a beautiful dream I was having, although I don't remember much. Just an image of your face, close-up, like you were right there. Older this time, like when we last saw you. <3

I took Rocky out & the skies were dark, like it was about to pour. Then I went back to bed, still with that image of your beautiful angelic face.

I woke up again later, with a heavy heart. Like I do sometimes, like someone is stepping on my chest.

I missed you all day, so much- so much more than ever.

I could feel the grief building, wanting to show it's ugly face. I tried to keep busy, because I could feel this one wasn't going to be good...

In between work & your sisters, I had to go see you. I picked up some Fall flowers for you first, then I went to see you, sat, talked & cried to you.

It helped baby girl.

I'm so glad to have your memorial site there, as our refuge. I don't regret...keeping you there. And I feel lucky & thankful that we had a choice. Some do not. :(
...

Coming back to pick up Bella from the bus stop, my heart was still heavy, but not crushing. Like always, that feeling of nostalgia & longing never truly leaves, but some days it's presence can't be easily ignored.

We went about the rest of the afternoon like usual. I made a yummy dinner, listened to your sisters argue, Daddy home from work, homework, clean up...

Then I finally decide to go to my room & lay down & shut my mind off & read a new book I picked up from the used book store last week.

I pick it up & I see something sticking out from the middle of the book. It looked like a leaf. I open it up on the exact page & this is what I see:

Three pressed 4 leafed clovers!

I couldn't believe my eyes my mouse!

Three four leaved clovers- pressed ever so delicately in the middle of the book!

I didn't know what to think. I went to show Daddy, Bella & later Sissy when she woke up from her nap. They were just as surprised as I was! What could it mean? What are the chances?

Did the previous owner forget? Or leave them there on purpose?

Could this really be a sign of good luck? Or what?

I could help but try to google an answer & this is what I saw:

In water or pressed in a book!

...

It still said how rare it is, to find one. Much less 3! <3

I don't know my mouse.

I know there wasn't any way it was you who put them there. But my heart couldn't help thinking you had something to do with it.

Either way, I took it as a good sign.

I was having another shitty day, missing you. My heart aching, crushing, not being able to breath. Remembering your beautiful smiling face in front of me, like you were looking down on me while I slept...

And then this!

I didn't even bother posting it on Facebook or anywhere because I felt no one would even believe me. But I had to show the family, & share it with you here.

It made my day & it made me smile. It made me wonder, how all these little things happen on my worse days. It made me thankful-  because from the bottom of my heart I know you are still here with me.

I know God hasn't left my side either.

And because of this, I can go one another day.

Now I'm going to have to finish this book. ;)

I love you sweet angel.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

So many things

Baby girl,

I have so much on my mind tonight. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could write about every single thing, I wish I didn’t have to start work early tomorrow, or work a full day at that. So many things.

The world keeps turning babygirl. Even when we wish we could press pause. Things have been hectic. I don’t handle stress the way I used to. Multi-tasker, do-it-all, supermom. The old me. Now it’s one task at a time. The biggest & most important one first. Sometimes it’s hard determining which is the biggest & most important...

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but I’m sure you can see from where you are.
...

I’ve been waiting for Fall to arrive. So far it’s been humidity & rain...but I shouldn’t complain. Nothing compared to the hurricane that recently hit N.C. Those poor people down there are dealing with worse.

That’s what I’ve always been told in the past, “be thankful because there’s always someone out there dealing with worse.” Maybe that used to work babygirl, before. But now that I know what worse is, I can never feel thankful that someone out there is feeling it too.
...

I miss you Hailey.

We’ve been talking about you so much lately. I wonder if your ears still ring in Heaven. <3

I’ve been helping Uncle Dan design his marathon T-shirt. He is planning on running in the Marine Corps marathon next month in your honor.<3

We talked about it when he was here visiting last month. He got teary eyed mentioning it, telling us he can hear you cheer him in the background whenever he gets tired or wants to stop. Just like Auntie Alina said, the exact same thing when she ran a half marathon a couple years back. <3

Of course, my heart is so happy. :)

I hope you love the design my mouse. Uncle Dan picked the picture. Originally he wanted a picture of you running on the front, but we don’t have any. So I mentioned the picture that your running team had taken & framed to give to us, with a beautiful inscription on the back. He loved it. I just added your beautiful face in the middle.<3

<3

I’ll show you the original picture in the frame later when I put it back together, & the T-shirt when it’s done.

It’s going to turn out great, I’m sure.

I just hope Uncle Dan will be able to run after all. Training hasn’t been easy & apparently he’s had major leg problems.
...

I told him when he was here how you loved the running club even for the short time you were a part of it & how they loved you. I told him how I used to say, “It’s a good thing you inherited your daddy’s legs!” and you used to laugh.

Oh my sweet angel. If only I could see & hear you laugh again...

We’ll pray Uncle Dan recovers enough to run. We’ll pray for my mom & the rest of the family, us, your sisters.

Bella specially wanted to dream about you these last couple of weeks. She took Mr. Snuggles in to her room & hugged him & snuggled tight before bed hoping to see you in her dreams...

I pray she does.

I pray for the people down in the Carolinas. I pray that you hear me my beautiful girl. I pray that you feel my love for you, all the way in Heaven.

I pray for strength & guidance & another day.

I love you. So much. Each & everyday

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

~

I love and miss you everyday my beautiful girl.

Part 2

...will join you, wherever you are my sweet girl. I can’t wait for that day. I love you so much. I miss you everyday.

Now that your sisters are back in school & we’re done with the move, hopefully I’ll have more time to write now. It still helps me so much my mouse.

I still feel & hope that every word I write, somehow in someway you can hear them. <3

I will never stop dreaming.

Love you my sweet mouse.

Sweet dreams.

Mommy <3

My tiny mouse.. I love you. <3

Part 1

My mouse,

Saw this picture & it reminded me of you, down to the violin you used to play. <3

This week was a long week, but we survived babygirl. After a bad weekend of grief anticipating back to school, I was ok enough to work Monday all the way through. It probably helped that it really hit me hard the day before instead of the day of this time...

Oh my sweet angel.

We do what we can to keep going, with the help of our loved ones. I got a few messages & texts that made my heart happy including one from Dom’s mom & his purple football shoes he ordered in memory of you. <3 These things may seem like simple kind gestures but they are really huge life saving gifts from the heart. There are angels among us babygirl, I believe that God sends them to us when we need them the most.
...

I’m so proud of your sisters. The first week was nerve wrecking & chaotic for them, but even so they survived & did ok.

It’s hard to believe it’s Sissy’s last year & Bella in 7th grade. Thinking of colleges & the future...it’s scary to think about sometimes. I was never scared of change before babygirl, but I guess when it comes to your sisters- that’s a different story. I was never scared or worried for myself, looking at things as an adventure. That was back then, when your mom was young & perhaps naive.

Time & life itself has a way of changing things though. Even though deep down I know we survived something so horrible....losing you. :( still trying to survive & overcome.

But I’ve met too many in this new life, this new journey; that have been through what we have & worse. Hard to believe but true, like not just one child but two. :(

Oh my mouse, it’s too sad to even think about. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of now, is life itself. Now that I know what it’s capable of. :(
...

I try to get these thoughts out of head & be grateful for what we do have. To honor your sweet soul & be a better person, to live a better more meaningful life. Everyday I try.

But life doesn’t make it easy. You probably know that my grandpa passed away last week. So many mixed emotions & so much that goes with this my angel- a longer letter for another time. But now we have our mom to worry about. She has no where to go now & this is where I’ll have to put my time & energy now.

I pray my angel. I pray & pray for guidance & strength. We will definitely be needing it.

I wish for times of true happiness & peace, for once... but I’m starting to think that’s only in movies or books...fantasy. Reality is so different. Our time on earth is do trying...maybe the only time we’ll truly find peace & happiness is when we