Louis

My beautiful girl,

There’s so much to catch up on & say, but what surpasses all tonight is the news of my dear cousin Louis’ passing, just a few days before Christmas. :(

It was unexpected, shocking & tragic.

We’re still trying to process it all. Everyone is devastated.
...

Even though we weren’t super close, we grew up together & just recently he became active on Facebook & I feel like we were getting to know him a little better as an adult, even if just virtually. The last time I saw him was at Papi’s 70th birthday celebration. Him & his wife looked great, were  in fine spirits. He was always smiling, funny & down to earth. Just a great person.

It’s very sad.

His poor wife, Tia & Tio, his brother & sister...

I went to see Tia & Tio just after it happened & of course I knew, even before I saw their faces...oh babygirl. It’s a pain you don’t wish on anybody & this is just the beginning. :(

What a long road to healing they still have ahead of them. It brought it all back & even tonight my heart aches for all of us.

The feelings, the questions, the why why why? And even how, as we still don’t know exactly what caused his death.
...

At Christmas mass, I prayed for the whole family & the two of you. I wonder if you’ve yet met in heaven? I’m sure you have. <3

Of course, Christmas was even more sad this year.

Daddy ended up going to NJ alone & came back on Christmas Eve. I didn’t have the heart to leave our family at such a sad time. I remembered how they were here for us & I had to be there for them. That is all we could do, but not a small thing. Showing support can save someone from drowning. I should know my angel. I’ve been lucky & blessed to have had many save me so many times...
...

Now we wait for the funeral next week. Uncle Mikey is flying up. At least we have that to look forward to, we’ll get to see him for a couple days.

We’re starting the New Year with another loss my angel. :(

I know he’s in a beautiful place. The same as you. But it still hurts.

And for our poor tios and other cousins, the holidays will be extra hard because it will be forever marked with his passing.

Life is so hard babygirl. I know one day we’ll have all the answers. We will finally understand. But in the meantime what do we do? I know, live & love to the fullest. We try,  but it gets harder with each blow...

I love you babygirl. If you see him, give him a big hug from all of us. Tell him we love him & will miss him.

And one day, we will see you both again.

I can’t wait.

Love,
Mommy <3

~

Another perspective

My baby girl,

Time is dwindling down & Christmas is just one week away. It's been so busy & stressful. With the shopping, preparing, all of Bella's activities & events...

Every year I say I won't get carried away & every year I bite more than I could chew. For the most part, I enjoy this time of year. Or at least I used to, when you girls were little. Even though it was just as stressful, if not more. It was just different.

In the end, it was worth it, so much more rewarding. To celebrate with the whole family Christmas Eve, to wake up Christmas morning & see your faces when you saw all the gifts under the tree.

Now everything is just different. With you being gone, nothing is the same.

Now your sisters are older too. No more pretending about Santa. No more a lot of things....
...

I guess in trying to still make it special for them & to make up for some of the pain & emptiness, I go beyond what is necessary. But my frustration this year is doing much & having it going unnoticed & unappreciated.

I don't think Daddy & your sisters realize how much effort it takes for me. I think they are just so used to me carrying all the weight. And when I do ask for help (which isn't often), I get pushback instead.

It shouldn't be like that my angel. I'm tired. Your sisters are older now. It should be easier.

But it seems like they are just dependent on me as ever. I still do all the things I used to & more. Cooking, cleaning, chores, Rocky, laundry, grocery shopping...then playing taxi for Bella running around all over to take her to dance, school functions, the list goes on.

I know it's stupid little things, but it adds up.

I've given myself a few breaks in between- a night out with friends, getting my hair done, but then I come home & it's the same story...
...

I know that looking at it from a different perspective; the perspective of a bereaved mother- I should be thankful.

Because what I wouldn't do to be stressed out about buying your gifts right now.

Trying to find the many shoes you'd have on your Christmas wish list.

Driving you places, washing your laundry & yelling at you to clean your room.

What I wouldn't do my mouse. :(

It hurts to remember this.
...

I know it's probably too much to be venting to you like this in these letters, but it's on my mind tonight & I have to share it & get it off my chest.

I guess I just wish Daddy & your sisters were more understanding & more appreciative of what I do & how much I do. I wish they would take it upon themselves to offer to help, without being asked...over & over.

I wish a lot of things my angel.

I’m just tired. My soul is tired.

And I miss you. Beyond measure.

We all do. This life is hard. We’re all just trying to survive. I will try to have more patience & also step back & learn to stop when it gets too much.

We’ll be spending Christmas weekend & Eve in Jersey. Daddy wants to see Nanny. Sissy can’t go because she’s working, but we’ll be back for Christmas Day to spend with her & the rest of the family.

My heart & mind has already been with you since Monday. I took two days off because I could feel the grief heavy in my heart as soon as I woke up.

I knew I’d have to see you at the gardens. Daddy & I went together & placed your new wreath. Your tree kept getting knocked over with the wind, so we brought it home. It looks nice my angel. I hope you like it.

I shared it with my parent group with a caption saying, “Instead of shopping for gifts, I went shopping for a wreath for my baby’s grave. I still can’t believe it’s our new normal.” :( I knew they’d understand.

I love you babygirl. With every ounce, every breath.

We are going to try & make mass on Christmas Eve, to say hello to God & to you. I know I will feel you there.

Until then, visit us if you can. I know you’re busy. <3

Goodnight my mouse.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

<3

<3

~

My grief

My beautiful girl,

Read this today and it resonates with me so deeply.

It was written by one of my favorite authors- Elizabeth Gilbert. She wrote this about her partner that recently passed away. Even though it was a different kind of love, I can still relate to her words.

You are everywhere. In everything.

This simple fact I think has saved my life here on this Earth. It has allowed me to continue to live. I don’t think I would be able to, if I didn’t still feel so strongly connected to you.

I wouldn’t be able to breath and see another day. I wouldn’t want to.

This is my grief.

Blessed

My angel,

It’s been a long day & I’m tired but I wanted to share a few things before I went to bed. Things that I most likely will never forget & that you probably already know, but want to write about anyway.

There’s so much I want to express, so much that I have in my heart tonight, that I just don’t have the words for. The only word I can think of right of right now is- blessed.

First, there’s the post from my old high school friend who’s daughter has been having health issues related to her blood sugar since last year & it looks like they’ve gotten worse. No diagnosis yet, but it seems to be similar to type 1 diabetes. I have discovered there are different types of not only type 1, but also other sugar related disorders.

Last year, or maybe even the year before that...she thanked me for posting the awareness symptoms because she noticed some with her daughter & took her in to get tested. At the time I believe she was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. She was so thankful and let me know.

And now this post from a couple days ago. <3

She said she’s going to keep me updated. I told her we are praying for them.

When I saw & read it I cried & smiled at the same time. To see the words, “Hailey saved my daughter’s life!” you can imagine the leap my heart took when I first saw it, innocently scrolling down on my feed & then seeing your name. <3

What’s even more amazing my little girl is that it all ties in with the following post & the cross I found, with the purple necklace on the grass.
...

Just a few days before I had posted the same awareness symptoms for the last day of November, the last day of diabetes awareness month...with a message saying something like: they say everything happens for a reason, but I can’t imagine a good enough reason other than saving other lives, yet my heart still hurts.

The whole thing had my on my mind again. My anger and resentment towards God. Why did he have to take you? Whose life has been saved? Why why why...

Then I wanted your tree to be special so I went to several stores that had everything almost sold out, stood in line & drove around. Tired, frustrated and still mad at God. Anxiety built up...

Yet I was determined to get it done, because it meant that much to me.

So I took Rocky out for a walk once I got home, and there it was babygirl. I couldn’t believe it at first. I didn’t even pick it up right away. I thought, no one’s going to believe this. My heart sunk, knowing deep down inside that it couldn’t be a coincidence.

I finally picked it up to look at it closer & I just stared at that cross. I knew right away, it was a reminder.

I could almost hear your voice, “mommy, don’t hate God. It’s not his fault. He’s with you, just like I’m with you. Even though you can’t see us. It’s going to be ok Mommy.”

Oh babygirl even now as I type the tears are rolling down my face and I feel the big lump in my throat. I know I can be such a fool sometimes and yet I’m still loved enough by you and him...

Enough to find this, to receive this sign to reassure me and give me some comfort. Sometimes I don’t feel deserving of it. I almost hesitated sharing this with my parent group because there are some who haven’t been as fortunate to receive even one sign. :( But I did share it, in hopes it gives other reassurance too.

I love you my little girl. I miss you with all my might. I’m not mad anymore ok? Not tonight. My heart is full and I feel blessed in every sense. I may not be deserving, but in desperate need & to receive this reminder, I’m grateful too.

Thank you babygirl. Thank God for me too ok?

I love you so much.

Forever & ever- each & every day,
Your mommy <3

P.S. your tree turned out so beautiful! I picked soft blues, white & turquoise bulbs with white & blue flashing lights. The star shines rainbow color star designs on the ceiling & all your angel decorations look so pretty. I hope you love it as much as I do. I picked blue because it was originally your favorite color, before purple, remember? :)

Always in our hearts.

Love you.

<3

~

Love this. Came up on my FB memories the other day, my little mouse
and your sister sucking your thumbs. First it was your binky until you
were like 4 years old, then replaced with your thumb. Of course Bella has
to copy you. I miss Uncle Mikey too. Wish I could turn back time to this day. Miss that old house
too sometimes. <3