Aiden

My sweet angel,

I did something today that I consider an act of kindness that I would of liked to share on your page, but I didn't because I didn't want the other person involved to feel uncomfortable. So instead I will just share with you.

Last month this little boy Aiden lost his life to undiagnosed Type One Diabetes. From what I understand he had been sick only a couple days with what they thought was just a stomach virus & he died at home, on his mommys couch. :(

It's so brutally heartbreaking. I've come to know his mommy through Facebook & our support group there. I'm so glad she found us because she is absolutely crushed & needs as much support as she can get. We have started messaging each other privately and now texting...

I understand what she is going through and she knows that & I think it's what helped us connect. Maybe God has lead her to us because she is really in need. She mentioned having a really tough time at nights & is unable to sleep. I told her about the blog & how writing helps me. I also told her about how the grieving books helped me those few couple months. I offered to mail the ones & have & she accepted. So I mailed the books for adult I had & the one for kids that I bought for your sisters & is really beautiful. It has another way of looking at death...They were ok with sending it after I explained how Aiden has a little brother he left behind. :(

Anyway, they are on her way to her. I hope they help...I pray she makes it. I'm worried. We will keep praying. In the meantime if you see Aiden, ask him to send his mommy a sign. She is blaming herself  & needs to know he's ok.

R.I.P little Aiden...


Love you my sweet Haileymouse. <3

~

And today was a big day for signs baby girl. I can't wait to share. :)

I love you.

Hailey's Random Act of Kindness Day

Baby girl,

We decided to do something extra special on your angelversary. I think it's the best way we can honor you & possibly give us something to look forward to instead of dread. I know either way it will be hard, but at least something great will come of it. We've gotten good feedback from all our loved ones & even strangers. Everyone agrees it's a great idea. :)

We love you so much. I hope a lot of people participate. <3

 https://www.facebook.com/events/589329717891546/

Testimony

My little girl,

I've been meaning to share these with you. It's important to remember the good things too. These are a couple of messages I received from friends in the last couple of weeks- through Facebook.

Good news is he tested negative.

Amazing. I pray for my friend and her daughter.

You see baby girl? It is true that something good can come from something so tragic. When I first read these, I was in tears with emotion.

I can remember those first few months after we got back from Bolivia & I was on the internet researching Type One Diabetes. I have to admit, it was torture for me. In between bouts of breakdowns I kept reading about this monster of a disease that took you from us. The more I found out, the worse it got- my heart would continue to break into a million little pieces.

The hardest part to accept, was that your death could of been prevented. This fact alone was enough to end me.

Daddy & others would ask: Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you really think this will help you heal? Maybe you shouldn't read "that stuff".

That stuff? You mean the stuff that took my babies life? You mean the stuff that changed our lives forever? You mean the stuff that continues to kill other innocent children & adults??

My response to everyone was the same: You don't understand. This disease took my baby. One day she was here & then she was gone, with no explanation. I'm her mother. I have to know, I have to find out how this happened.

And so it began my beautiful girl. I soon came across Kycie's & Reegan's story & now so many others since then. As if one life wasn't enough. It's more than tragic. It's horrific & it has to be stopped.

Through the heartbreak I also found refuge in a whole world of warriors I didn't even know existed. The families of those who lost loved ones to this disease & those who are currently fighting it. There's a momentum going on right now my mouse & we are a part of it.

I've said all along, that if we can at least help save one life, it would be enough. This is testimony that we have, my little girl. THIS helps me heal. THIS fulfills me more than words can say. Because it is a testimony to YOU.

It was worth the staying up nights searching & researching. It was worth sharing your our story & reliving the gut wrenching details that left me crippled for days. It lead me to this other world of warriors. I know you & God had your hand in it too.

And I'm so glad for it, because I don't know what else I could of done, with no outlet to place all the anger & pain. I'd be sitting here all alone, or not be here at all....but maybe God already knew this.

Instead we get to turn it into something good, my angel.

Auntie was right in saying that we are now your voice & represent your spirit. I promised you that I would try knowing I have you; God, family & friends by our side.

The good always win, right my baby girl? And there was always so much good in you...

We love & miss you, every single minute of every day.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy

Between the two articles we reached over
10K people just online baby girl. I always knew you
were an angel, now everyone else knows it too.
< 3




Grandma's bday

Dear Hailey,

I woke up this morning to this memory of you girls, wishing my mom a happy birthday.

https://youtu.be/o7gcwlQK3Ck

https://youtu.be/GsXQFbo0QUA

It brought many tears, baby girl. I am tired from all the crying & thinking over watching this video & everything that it means & represents. I wish I had energy to write about it, but I have just enough strength left to say this:

You looked so healthy here but you were probably already sick, yet we didn't know. I'm sorry we didn't know. I'm sorry, because if we had any idea we would of taken you to the doctor sooner. We would of never gone on the trip. I'm so sorry baby girl. We are paying the price for it now...

I love you my sweet Hailey.....

~

Last memories

 

Dear baby girl,

Memories can be a beautiful thing, but they can also be painful. I'm thankful to have them & to have lived them, but to know that they are now just in the past....and no more can be made (with you in them), breaks my heart.

I usually look forward to seeing my daily FB memories. My determination to keep your memories alive have been my main drive in writing these letters, in keeping up with your FB page & in all the awareness campaigns. It helps me too, knowing that they might help others. Just like there is so much beauty in this world, there is also so much heartache & pain. We are all in need of some kind of help, in some way or another.

But the reason all the recent memories have been so painful, is because they are the last few we have of you. It makes me really sad on one hand, to make this realization. But thankful on another...because they are special memories.



Freedom Center with the girls. You begged me to take
you all then thanked me, "Thank you Mommy, you're the best
mom in the whole world!" Always my little mermaid.

Hiking with Auntie & the boys at Scott's Run- Great Falls.
Those are the walking sticks with secret special powers- a game
you all created while hiking.

<3

The view from the top.

 

A few days later: Spring Break- hiking with your cousins at Great Falls.

Then Easter at our house. We couldn't go to Grandma's because
 we were getting ready for the trip & I had no extra days off...so
Uncle Grumpy drove down with the girls. He almost didn't- but
later  recalled saying something told him he should...

Last memories. Group pic after Easter egg hunt. <3

 



I even made Uncle C's favorite Bolivian meal while he was here.

And yours- Silpancho. You weren't a big meat eater but you loved it. It was one of your favorites & your sisters too...

At least you got to eat it one last time. Even if it wasn't in Bolivia. :(






There's always going to be that internal struggle inside all of us baby girl- the side that wants to break down looking back at all these memories. And then the side that makes us happy & elated to have these memories to look back on, in the first place.

I struggle constantly, but it's been worse these last few days. As you can see, you were so happy in these pics. So alive. And to think in just a couple weeks....

That's the hardest part to deal with when I look at these pictures. :(

*******

Like so many times before, I have to remind myself about all the good & try to push all the bad far from my mind. When I feel like I'm going to fall, I have to tighten my grip harder around the very thing that keeps us from falling- love. Remind ourselves of the reasons to keep going...

It's not easy baby girl. I don't know what to expect in the next couple of weeks. I just know it will be even harder.

I mentioned all of this to the support group- Families of Type 1 Diabetic Losses. I told them about the anniversary coming up- then your bday & Mother's day. I said how I wish I could fall asleep now & not wake up until June....

Those who have been through it & are further down this journey said that sometimes the weeks leading up to "the day" are sometimes worse than the actual day itself. To take the time off to do whatever I need to do; to not only grieve on that day but to celebrate on the others...that it's ok. That I'm allowed to feel & do whatever is needed to get through. And that of course they are there if I need them.

I know I'm not alone. We are not alone. I remind myself of all this my mouse.

That we can still have memories with you being there. Maybe not physically, but in spirit, you are always there.

And you will always be.... smiling sweetly & brightly as ever, with your sisters by your side. <3

I love & miss you,
With all my heart.

Forever,
Your mommy