Grandmom & Pop Pops

Dear Hailey,

Today is the last day of July- also Auntie Zulen's bday. I hope she is enjoying her day. Please visit her if you can.

It's hard to believe that in less than a month, your sisters will be going back to school. It's on my mind because we've already done some back to school shopping, in small bits.

I remember the agonizing pain I felt last year of going back to school shopping; another reminder. Maybe because we've been doing it in small portions this time, it doesn't feel as intense...but I still do remember my angel. My heart still sinks & aches.

After doing some shopping yesterday, we went to see you at the gardens & smiled thinking about how many shoes you would of made me buy you; one to match every outfit. <3
...

Your sisters keep growing & maturing & I'm trying to keep up. New fads & tastes. I give my opinion but try not to judge...

I can't change their minds any more than I could when you all were little, my mouse. Passed your toddler years, each of you were strong minded & stubborn. You knew what you liked & what you didn't & weren't shy about voicing it out loud.

"It's too itchy. Too big, too tight, I like this, I like that"...it makes me smile remembering baby girl. I created little monsters at an early age. ;)

Nothing's changed, except that I have one less to shop for now & it hurts...

I miss you more than words can say. If you were to come back to me...I would buy you every shoe in every store. Anything & everything you want....
...

Oh my sweet girl.

We must go on. No other choice.

As I promised, we're going to try & enjoy the rest of the summer. We have our mini vacation to look forward to then Grandmom & Pop Pop's 50th wedding anniversary celebration; that's the big one.

Grandmom is really looking forward to it & we are all helping in what we can to make it extra special for her & Pops too. The pictures that Horacio took of them when they came down to visit in April turned out great & I had them blown up & framed & also made them into thank you cards for the all the guests. A guest book so everyone can sign in & write something nice about them...

I hope it turns out great, they deserve it. When Daddy & I decided to get married, it was just going to be through the courts, nothing fancy. But then Grandmom told me her only regret when she got married is that she never had a real wedding. No white dress, no ceremony...she said I'd regret it too. So her & Aunt Didi helped us & I'm so glad we did.

I want something similar for her..even 50 years later. That's always Grandmom & Pop Pops my mouse- all they want is to bring their family & friends together for a good time. Grandmom also said she wants to dance with her three sons...so we have to make it happen.
...

We've also been looking through old pictures for the slide show Sydney & Jaylen are making. From babies until recently...so many memories it was hard to choose baby girl.

We have to be thankful for all those memories. For our family; all the hugs & smiles. For Grandmom & Pops & everything they've done & what they mean to us...

I know it's going to be great. We're all excited about it. It's given us something to be happy about.

Just wish you were here...
...

Loving & missing you.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

~

~

"Grief is not a crisis of faith; it is a crisis of the heart. You can believe beyond doubt that your loved one is with God, but you are human. You are in pain. You hurt.

This doesn't mean that your faith is weak. Rather, grieving is really a show of faith."
...

"Grief is, in fact, a personal, solitary, journey of the heart and soul."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me."

~ A Journey Through Grief

Sissy's Day

My dear mouse,

Yesterday Sissy bought a car. It was a used car this older lady had traded in at Daddy's job the night before. He called us that night & told us it was in good shape & he thought it would perfect for her. So they let him test drive it home & keep it overnight & of course Sissy fell in love right away.

Just like me when I was her age- anything with wheels.

It was an exiting moment. We're proud of her because she paid for it with her own money that she's been saving ever since she started working. I'm happy for her- I wanted her to know the feeling. The rewarding feeling of knowing that all your hard work pays off- to be able to say you accomplished something on your own...

...

Of course it made it 100 times better that Daddy's job have us a great deal on it- really unbeatable actually. It made it special too that Daddy got to sell it to her & do her deal.

She still won't be able to drive it on her own for a few months yet. She doesn't officially get her license until October, but there is no rush. It's plenty of time for her to practice & get used to driving it.

I'm sure she would of preferred her dream car; a jeep. But being in the working world now- the real world; she's learned to appreciate how hard it is to make & earn money & how expensive things really are. That everything has a price...

It's been a good lesson all in all.
...

I got a little emotional on the way over to Daddy's job, thinking of how she's growing up so fast. How you will never get that chance. How things change & how time moves on. How I wished you were here with us to share this milestone in Sissy's life.

Even though I know you were smiling down, feeling the same pride as we did...

I just couldn't help it baby girl. My heart will always ache for you.

But I didn't want to steal your sister's sunshine. I lived in the happy moment- as always, with my heart split in two.

I love you so much baby girl. To say I miss you is not enough. Half of me is gone forever.
...

Thank God for from us; for watching out for us & you too my mouse. I know you are always looking out for us; our precious angel.

Always & forever,
Your mommy



Making the deal.

To think I bought the same make car so many years ago!
I was proud of myself that day too but sorry to let go of my
hard earned money- even more excited to have my freedom.

Ready to go. :)

...

P.S. Today makes 3 years that my friend Dana passed. Say hi to her for me. Tell her I miss her too. <3

Special Day

My angel,

Today was a special day. Even though I know you were here in your own way, I so wish your beautiful physical being was here too.

Because it's late & I have to be up early for work, I will write more about it later tomorrow...

As much as I am happy, a part of me always aches. It's like I'm missing a limb or part of my soul. Oh how we miss you my sweet girl.

I will go to bed thinking of you, with my heart as always; split in two.

I love you so much. Each & everyday.

Yesterday, today & always,
Your mommy <3

"Everyone grieves differently. No amount of resolve or discipline can determine the course of your grief; it is not possible to order grief or will it to be different than it is. The head cannot lead; it must follow the heart." ~ A Journey Through Grief

~

A Journey Through Grief

My sweet babygirl,

There is a small booklet that Debbie sent me in the mail last year, shortly after we met & travelled to NC for Reegan's celebration called "A Journey Through Grief"~ Life Beyond the Broken Heart by Julie Yarbrough...

I guess you can say it's religion based. I read it despite being mad at God at the time. I read it in small excerpts at a time, trying to understand the words & letting them sink in. After all the books that I had read, this one seemed to summerize it best...& felt closer to the grief journey that I was (still) on. I kept in my purse, pulling it out & re-reading as needed, to remind me. I now keep it on my work desk  at home & read it again when I need to. I always said I'd copy some of it here, to remind me of it's words, to remind me of hope & to not lose faith.

Her words come from from first hand experience after losing her husband. I'll be quoting some of my favorite lines during the next couple of weeks, starting from the beginning of the book.

I love & miss you everyday.

Love,
Mommy

~

What is grief?

~"If you did not love, you would not suffer; grief and suffering are inextricably linked."

~"Through suffering you understand better the things that really matter: the meaning of faith, hope and love."

~"In suffering you find your deepest experience with God."

~"Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen." -Apostle Paul

~"Death has separated you only in body but not in heart."

Haileyfly

Haileymouse,

Just a short letter to tell you how I saw that you sent a Haileyfly to Uncle Mikey & Auntie Zulen today after they found out they're having a boy. :)

They shared the pics of them on a beautiful field of sunflowers, with a Haileyfly hanging around with them; attached to Zulen's finger & Mikey's phone. They said it followed them for a good while. <3

I guess you were trying to tell them you approve ;) and that you are just as happy & excited for them. It really made my week my angel. It was good news too to hear I'm going to be an Auntie again. Joshua must be so excited. He's going to love being a big brother I'm sure.

It was something good after a week of most things bad.

Maybe tonight I can catch up on some sleep.

I love you my sweet girl.

Your light shines down in all of us, each & every day.

Forever & ever
Your mommy

If only they knew

Dear Hailey,

This week has made me realize that grief can come back whenever, with a vengeance. That even though the waves may lessen over time, they can still return with such a force; like of a tsunami...& the tears don't just go away; they build up inside going unnoticed overtime & can be called back in an instant, pouring out continuously with every beat of our broken hearts.

This is how I'm feeling tonight & the reason I can't sleep. Even though I should, because I have work tomorrow, but I just can't.
...

Where do I begin my mouse?

To start, if your watching, I know you saw how hard this week was for your sister. That even though she was with your cousins in Jersey, it affected her not having both you & Kayla there.

I agreed to let her go because I thought it would be good for her. She's been struggling all summer being alone sometimes when Sissy goes to work or when she's out with her friends. Even though I try to keep her busy by taking her places like the pool or having Daniella & Natalia over to keep her company...during those times she's happy, but it's always after...after they leave, those in-between times when me or Daddy or Sissy are working...in those moments of silence she thinks of you. During those few hours in between...she's reminded & gets sad missing you. :(

I can relate. :(
...

I guess I should of known that being there wouldn't be any different, but it surprised me when she met us at the door with true sad heartfelt tears in her eyes & had a sort of a breakdown later. :(

All she kept saying was, "It's just not the same. It's never the same."

It broke my already shattered heart into even more little pieces...

All I could say in return is, "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's ok. I love you." & let her cry it out.

Sometimes that is all we can do.
...

We thought she was doing so much better last month baby girl. She had her last session with the Dr....after several months of sessions. The doctor said she was improving so much that she didn't think she needed any more for the time being. To check in after the summer break...I guess we need to check in sooner.

It's hard my angel. I can't quit my job to devote every hour to her, even if I could I don't think that would be healthy either. It's not realistic. I try my best but I won't always be able to make her "forget".

Even though there are some who would like us to.
...

I only mentioned what happened to Daddy & Sissy. Not even to the family up there because I didn't want them to think she had a bad time or that it was their fault, because she didn't & it wasn't. It's just that she misses you.

Maybe too, it's because our grief is not something we talk openly or too often about with them. Or anyone these days for that matter...just each other. Or here- for me.

But every now & then I post something on Facebook, knowing that it makes people uncomfortable. I get it, it makes me feel "uncomfortable" too. FB memories can be a blessing & a curse. It can bring me the biggest smiles & also the greatest pain. I understand all that & I don't expect others to be on the same page...
...

But today my mouse, it really hurt when my Tia Patty commented on a picture of you I posted that came up on my FB memories...

She said in Spanish that I should "let you rest in peace already." I could hear her tone as I read it as frustrated & upset one....like "why do you keep posting her pictures? that's enough already. leave her alone..."

Needless to say, I was so upset. I tried not to let it ruin my day. After all, I have heard this before from both my mom & dad's side of the family. However, it was put more nicely at first, like "Hijita, mamacita...your beautiful angel is in Heaven now, let her go, let her be with God, let her rest in peace..."

I got that. They mean well. They're trying to help.

But then came that first blow last Christmas when Bella started crying as they were passing out gifts & after we included a framed picture of you in our family pictures...

"They still can't forget? When are they going to get over it?" Tia Cuqui in Spanish. Asking my dad this as she's watching Bella crying & clutching on to me, thinking I couldn't hear & that Sissy couldn't understand her.

I couldn't help but turn around & say, "How long do you think it would take you Tia, if it was your child or your brother?"...then watched her as her chin hit the floor & choke up some dumb response like "Oh, of course! I understand" blah blah blah...

Oh my mouse. The hurt I felt that day and many days after I relived today with my other Tia's comment. I felt like I was being chastised for opening my heart out...for sharing my pain & happiness to the world.

For the pain of losing you, but happiness that you were mine to begin with.

And not really to the world. To just the people I thought to be family & friends. Which stings the most.
...

My heart. This is the pic I shared.

...

I'm done baby girl. I'm tired.

I'm done with trying to so hard with people who aren't worth it.

I deleted her & my cousin from FB who friended me only to be nosy & report everything back to my mom anyway. From what I've heard when I talk to her, they also show her things which they shouldn't because of my mom's mental state & they know better...
...

If only they knew.

If only they knew my pain. Or how much strength it takes for me to muster each day just to get out of bed, to continue living without you....if only they knew.

If only they knew all of our pain- the pain in my sister's eyes, my brother who says he's still so traumatized it's hard for him to step inside a hospital, my dad who can't say your name without getting choked up, the kids, Ayde...everyone...

If only they knew what it was like to hold your sister & watch her cry because she's heartbroken & feel utterly helpless.

To not be able to hold you in the same way. Anymore. Ever. Until I see you again in Heaven.

If only they knew...

But I don't want them to know. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Like Uncle Mikey said, God forbid the day comes when grief comes to them...

I hope no one tells them to get over it or forget.

I hope instead someone is there waiting with their arms wide open.
...

Please visit your sister in her dreams if you can my angel.

Please ask God to comfort her- to comfort all of us.

Like Uncle Mikey said- We know you are in a magnificent place. By the signs that you & God send, we know that you are not only resting in peace, you are doing great things up there & down here too our angel.

I will never stop speaking your name. I will never stop loving or remembering you.

Forever & ever,
You are mine & I am yours.
Love, Mommy

Saw these today & thought of you.

Made this for Valeria with her play-doe. She knows
you're an angel.

~

My beautiful girl,

I'm at work & we're busier than usual. But even during breaks or during busy times, my mind is always with you. 

After this, Sissy & I are going to Jersey to pick Bella up. She stayed over Uncle Grumpy's since Wed.  :) They came to pick her up -----

...

Mouse,

We made it to Jersey. I didn't get to finish before because it got busy at work....

We visited you before getting on the road. Daddy is at home with Rocky because he had to work. I'm really missing you. I feel so incomplete when I don't get to write you.

I saw the lights flicker downstairs in Grandma's living room twice & once just now in the upstairs bedroom as I'm writing to you...

Sissy noticed downstairs too. It makes me think it's you saying hi & that you're around, just like I asked that you be at the gardens.
...

I would write more but I'm tired from work & the drive.

I love you babygirl. We'll be heading back tomorrow. Hopefully I get to write again soon.

I miss you so much.

Visit me in my dreams, if you can.

Love,
Mommy 

Memory

My mouse,

Going grocery shopping- there are still some things I do & buy in your memory.

For example today I bought the cheese you used to love: The Land O Lakes brand of yellow American cheese.

It had to be this brand & only the yellow....

You would stand right beside me in line to make sure I got the right brand. You would watch the deli lady slice & would always take a sample with your sister.
...

I still buy your favorite cheese my mouse & I always will, even when it's not on sale, just like before.

All these memories pop up in my head & pull at my heart & I have to share.

There was a time, specially in the very beginning when I couldn't even go to the grocery store. The memories were too painful- another reminder that you passed. The pain was so heavy...I couldn't even breathe.

There are times it still feels that way. Then there are times like today, when I could still feel you next to me as I stand there waiting for the deli lady to slice your favorite cheese & I smile. I silently remember & can manage to silence the pain with a tiny smile...

Then I catch up to Daddy in another aisle & as he looks at the price sticker on the cheese with a question in his eyes & I tell him.

He smiles too.

Our mouse & her cheese.
...

You will always be alive in our hearts our sweet baby girl.

There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about you.

Today & forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Almost perfect day

Haileymouse,

We made some beautiful memories this past weekend, on a short mini vacation to the beach. We just stayed for a night & a day, but we made the best of it.

We wanted to make sure we were there for at least one sunrise, so we left right after Daddy got off work Saturday & drove straight over. As soon as we got there, we saw a double rainbow. Later that night after we checked in, we walked to the boardwalk & noticed the big super moon in the midst of the breaking clouds...

In the morning, we woke up really early to watch the beautiful sunrise & on the way to breakfast, we noticed a single star in the sky. After a yummy breakfast, walking back to the room to get ready for the beach, we saw a Haileyfly in the bushes- happily eating away.

Always thinking of you.

Then we enjoyed a gorgeous morning & afternoon at the beach that reached mid 80's with no humidity, not a cloud in the sky...swimming in the cold water, napping under the umbrella, tanning (or burning for Sissy & Daddy)...enjoying the cool breeze, people watching & listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.

I haven't felt so relaxed in so long...

It was an almost perfect day my mouse.

It would of been more perfect if you were physically there. But in other ways- you were. Each time we've visited the beach we've felt closer to you; to God. There is something magical that happens, just like that first time when we saw our first Haileyfly at the beach. We will never forget. <3

Each one of those things in the picture is a reminder of something else greater than us. A reminder that greater & grander things exist, that maybe they are a peek preview to another world. The world you are living now...

They represent hope...hope that one day we will be able to go through that door, & meet you there, on the other side. <3

...

I was picturing you my little mermaid, first one in with Bella & Daddy.

It would of been an almost perfect day.

I love & miss you forever.

Love,
Mommy

Perfect day

Early for a sunrise. <3

My dear Hailey,

This has been a long week. Just a quick note to tell you I love you. I'm using my phone instead of the home computer to write this & it's just harder to navigate...attaching pictures and things.

It seems like short holiday weeks always seem longer. We did manage to get away for a day to go to Busch Gardens; first time for Daddy & your sisters. It was fun & we picked a good day that wasn't too crowded. I guess most everyone was at the beach. But it's ok, we still got wet with some of the water rides & some rain.

Daddy rode on every roller coaster in the park & Bella made him go on the cups & another ride that goes round & round. He was looking pretty out of it by the end of the day. :) He lasted longer than Sissy & me, we felt sick just after a few rides.

I can't explain it other than maybe the heat & it was Sissy's time of the month & for me I'm just getting old. When I was her age I could go on endless roller coaster rides & feel fine.

But we braved it out & still had fun baby girl. Of course we missed you. Bella specially. I went on the smaller rides with her- the ones you would of rode with her because you were scared of the bigger ones...the ones that went too high up or went too fast.

Of course we saw our Haileyfly. <3

I told Bella you were trying to tell her you were there with her & that you probably aren't even scared  of heights anymore because you have wings...
...

Things aren't the same without you Hailey. They never will be. Everything...just life itself is just so different now & we are still adjusting to this new normal. Yes, it's still new baby girl. This is only the second time we went to an amusement park without you & the first time it was with Papi & the kids. We saw a Haileyfly that day too & Somewhere over the Rainbow played over the loud speaker as we were talking about you. <3 Me, Papi & Ayde looked at each other in disbelief...

So many times you have tried to remind us, to let us know you are always near.

It brings us so much peace.
...

Oh babygirl. Today I found out an old coworker/friend of mine's brother passed away from Type 2 diabetes. He was only diagnosed a few years ago & he was still young but his health quickly declined. :(

I never met him but my friend would always tell me stories about him & I felt like I knew him. He was a character; funny & fun loving. They were really close. My heart breaks for her...embarking on this new journey of grief.

It's just not fair babygirl. I know it's part of life but it should be only after living a long fruitful life. Not sooner for some than others...

It makes me worry about Papi & his diabetes... :(
...

It's a reminder to try to enjoy every moment with our loved ones, but then we are reminded every morning we wake up.

We miss you so much. My beautiful daughter.

I missed the fireworks this year because I just couldn't do it. There will be some days I just can't & I've read & been told that that's ok.

Daddy took your sisters & even though they wanted me to go, they understood. That's all I ask.
...

Well my angel, I have to work early tomorrow so I will stop now.

Today we saw a little bit of a rainbow after a storm that quickly passed through & we smiled & waved hi.

Always & forever you are always on our mind.
Love  Mommy

In memory Jerseys

Baby girl,

 

This jersey has your name on it as well as many other angels' who passed away from Type One Diabetes. Misdiagnosed, undiagnosed, delayed diagnosed & kids/adults who were already living with T1D... :(

 

It's a jersey from Riding on Insulin- an organization that one of the moms is involved with (Jesse's mom, the one I sent a mermaid basket to last year for Jessepalooza). They will be worn on a bike ride in memory of all those who passed away to this horrible disease.

 

They will stop at mile 23 for a moment of silence to remember each of you & Jesse, 23 to remember the day he passed; Feb. 3rd.

 

Part of the proceeds will go to JDRF to help find a cure.

 

I bought one in support. Your name is on the back, you can barely see it in the picture but it's the only pic available...

 

Your name shouldn't be on this jersey. None of them should. :(

 

My heart remains broken.

 

I love you my sweet angel.

 

You are never forgotten. <3

 

Love,

Mommy



Add caption

Mikey's bday

Baby girl,

It's been a quiet weekend, seems like everyone's away except us. Papi, Ayde & the kids went to Myrtle Beach for the holiday, Caro & the boys went too. Today is Mikey's birthday & of course he's away too. Reminds me of the days living in NY when I'd be homesick for my family.

Daddy, Sissy & I have had to work, but we snuck in some pool & movie time in between. We are definitely due for some fun. We are looking forward to some sunrises on the beach...

We didn't count on Sissy's job getting in the way of our summer planning, but we will make the best of it. So far, it's been working out. Hectic, but ok. One day soon she'll be driving on her own & won't need us for rides anymore.
...

Just like Uncle Mikey moving away- we never know what the future will bring baby girl. Another year, another birthday without him. I would of never thought we'd be living so far apart. Our whole lives we were so close.

I guess I was the first one to move away, when he was little. I remember feeling horrible for it. But I came back...even the second time too. :) I guess I always figured he'd come back. :(

What I mean to say is that we need to enjoy today because we never know what tomorrow will bring. One day it will just be Daddy & I. If I'm so nostalgic now, I can't imagine how it will be later...
...

My sweet angel.

Today we woke up really early to go see you after having breakfast, right before we dropped Sissy off at work. The 4 of us. With all our crazy schedules, it had been a while that all of us got to go at the same time.

Daddy told you to get your wings ready, so you could join us this week if we get a chance to go somewhere for a mini vacation. <3

I know you will be there my beautiful girl. Wherever we go, you will always be there.

We miss you so much. Every single day.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy


Me & Mikey in Ocean City, so long ago. I posted this on FB
and a friend commented that I look like you in this pic. <3

 

~

My sweet girl,

 

I made a donation the other day to BTO through a parent advocate who recently succeeded in having 3 different universities in Texas agree to launch the awareness campaign...she's also the same mom who printed out awareness flyers for your Random Act of Kindness day. She wrote this nice post on her FB:

  

<3