Random Acts 3

My little girl,

I miss you...

<3 So cool baby girl. <3

 

 



...

A beautiful post from your Bella~

She's so smart & wise- beyond her years. It hurts me
to know the reasons why, but at the same time we
can learn from her beautiful words. <3 It really
warmed my heart to see this.

...

These weeks before, between and after your anniversary, your birthday and Mother's Day are hard baby girl. I can't pretend. Although we've been busy, even with everything that I've shared from your kindness acts....

But they definitely keep me from drowning, at least help me float in between the waves & tides.
...

Now my thoughts go to your birthday coming up.

Wondering what you'd be asking me for this year. Where you would want to celebrate, with which friends...some of whom I could guess, but would you of met new ones?

I know by now, we'd have it all planned out. You'd be so excited.
...

So much is going on my mouse.

I'm going to be helping Papi & Ayde with the kids for the next 2 weeks as they make their journey back to Ayde's hometown, to take care of some very important things. We're all wishing them luck. It's going to be a challenge, but hopefully everything goes smoothly- over there and over here.

I'm going to try my best. At least it will keep me busy. I know they would do it for me, they've helped us out so many times...

And we're going to celebrate your birthday with Auntie & the kids. It will give me something to look forward to. I don't want to be sad on this day.

I want to celebrate you, my beautiful angel, just like we would always do. <3
...

I love you so much.

Sending you so many kisses up to heaven.

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Love,
Mommy

Random Acts 2

My beautiful girl,

Our laptop has decided not to work, so I’m going to try to use my phone to write this letter. They don’t make it easy to share pictures here when you’re using your phone but I’m going to try.

I wanted to share a few more random acts of kindness that were shared with me through Twitter and Facebook, some special messages and a special surprise we got in the mail.
...

sweet carly <3



Got this in the mail from Auntie and the boys. It
has your name carved right above the wings and a
special message above that: “I will hold you in my
heart until I hold you in heaven.”<3 <3 <3

It came with flower seeds <3

Auntie’s gift is so beautiful my mouse. :)

It warmed up my heart so much. And instantly I was reminded of a message I got from Aunt Loni a few weeks ago. She said she had a message from you...

I had to share it with Auntie:

 

When I spoke to the medium last year over the phone- she also mentioned chimes. But I had forgotten about it until Loni's message.

 

But I was still confused both times because I don't have any and I don't recall any chimes that stuck out in my head...

 

Then this gift from Auntie...and seeds to start your "fairy garden." Auntie said the designer did that on her own, Auntie never mentioned or ordered them. And I had never mentioned the chimes to Auntie...

 

We both agreed how amazing it was & couldn't help thinking that it was a sign for both of us. :) <3

...

 

I heard from Dom & Anthony's moms of course. <3

 

And Isabelle's mom too. <3

 

She said that Isabelle wore your bracelet & dressed up for you, how she still has pictures of you together in her room and how you will always be her "true best friend". :)

 

Oh my mouse, all these little things....are such big things.

 

They make us feel- not so alone. That fact that you were so loved & they don't forget. 

 

That is always my fear & my sadness.

 

I know how silly it is to think that. How could it be possible since you had such an impact on everyone's life? Not just us.

...

 

And we continue to try & spread the word baby girl.

 

There were messages spread through Twitter and others on FB that shared our message, for Type One awareness. We got several messages from complete strangers thanking us for spreading the message and how we inspire them to keep advocating. There were a couple of doctors too...it is so uplifting. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right...

...

 

At the beach, we left your kindness rocks in several places.

 

 

 

 

I also did another raok and paid for this lady's ice cream, she was so thankful. When I gave her your card and flyer, she asked "What is this for?" asking about why were doing it...

 

I explained to her it was your anniversary and about Type One Diabetes. She was reading the flyer too. She smiled at all of us and thanked us again.

 

She seemed young but old enough to possibly have kids.

 

I hope that she remembers. If we can even save one life....

...

 

I love and miss you baby girl.

 

There is more to share. But this will do for now....

 

I would say we survived another anniversary, but we are still having a hard time. Sissy and Bella...

 

I know you know.

 

It's been a hard week. It's a hard life.

...

 

Sweet dreams my angel.

 

I love you all the way up to Heaven, and back.

 

Mommy <3

 

 



 

Random Acts part 1

My mouse,


These are some of the random act of kindness we received through Fb and Twitter:

<3

I corrected her on the birthday part.
Still nice of her to share.

Amazing!

 

 

 

 

 

<3

 

 

 

 

<3 I'm so glad to hear about Telvin's mom. <3

She works for Huffington Post and wrote
the article about you, Kycie and Reegan a couple
of years ago. <3

 

<3

<3 <3

<3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These made my heart so happy baby girl.

 

 

They are a light in the darkness. Just like you are-still. I'm glad we continued this in your honor this year. I think it's something that we will try & continue every year.

 

 

There are a few more special messa

 

ges & acts that I want to share in the next letter. I want to treasure the moment for as long as possible.

 

I love you. So much. Everyday I miss you.

 

Mommy

 

 

~

Dear Hailey,

We came all this way, to the beach, so we wouldn’t have to remember. Not to forget the fact that you’re gone, because that we could never forget. :(

Just the way it all happened. Those last 3 days. Starting from the moment we boarded that dreaded flight.

But laying on this bed in the dark, my mind goes to that last night with you babygirl. With me sitting by your side. With daddy outside with the rest of the family. All of us crying, all of us praying. Then eventually as the night turned into morning, it was just me & Daddy.

Only one of us could be in the room at a time, so it was me babygirl...,right there all night while daddy waited outside in the waiting room.

Even being in a dream like state, I will never forget the moment they told me you were never going to wake up again.

It was like my soul left my body. A part of me did die that day. As I sat there for hours, watching the nurses nodding off to sleep, I remember thinking how odd for nurses to fall asleep during their shift. I remember thinking that would never happen here, in the US...

What a scandal that would be. Instead of monitoring your levels they had their heads down on their counters, taking naps.

While my baby lay there dying, they were peacefully sleeping.

How I wanted to scream babygirl. How I wanted to yell from the top of my lungs and violently shake them to wake up! To do something! To bring back the doctors and tell them they were wrong! That you were doing better and that you were going to live!

But I couldn’t do it. I could barely move. Nothing came out except hot burning tears. My body, my spirit was still. Crushed. Unmoving. I could do nothing, and the very thought was killing me. It was suffocating. There was nothing anyone could do...

I just sat there. In silence. Listening to the machines that were attached to you....I held your soft hand. Pissed at the damn nurses for taking your pretty red orange nail polish off your beautiful fingers...I didn’t know until later they had to....

It was 3 years ago today my angel.

Sometimes I still feel as soulless as I did that night. Sometimes I still feel like I’m living this life in a daze, mechanically moving, talking, with no point, no direction, no will...

I still think sometimes- that this can’t be real. I still ask myself how? How am I going to get through this? How am I going to live this life without you??

And yet here we are. Here I am...three years later.

I know better than to believe in miracles baby girl.

I know better than to ask God for any, because he didn’t grant me mine. But somehow I believe I’m still here because of “him”. And because of you. My sweet girl. I know it.

I feel it.

That night I didn’t feel you “leave me”. I was there when your last heart beat...I was there as you left this world, but I never felt you leave me babygirl...

Three years later & I know you’ve moved on. Transitioned. But I never say dead or died because in the deepest part of bones, I know that to die is to disappear and that you never have my mouse. Not ever.

Not ever will you disappear from my mind. My heart. What’s left of my soul...

I feel you close. But I just wish I could hug and kiss you...

Just one more time.

3 years later and that’s what I miss...you in your physical form. Your laughter. Your hugs. You...all of you....completely, entirely. My sweet Hailey Anne

Mouse,

I said I wasn't going to do this. I said I wasn't going to remember. I told myself I wasn't going to look at my FB memories, that I was going to stay away altogether....

But how could I?

These pictures below tell a story of several lifetimes.



Waiting for Mikey at the airport, a day late because his flight was
delayed. We were all so excited. You girls ran up to greet him first.
There you are, now looking at you...so skinny. Your face already looking
so gaunt. :,( Why didn't I notice earlier? How didn't I notice? Because
we were so excited for my mom and Mike to reunite?...

The moment we all waited for. The moment that was years and years
in the making. Very long, suffering years...

The smile on my mom's face....I thought then it was priceless. That all
the heartache of getting to that point had been worth it. That's what I thought. :(
 

Little did we know my beautiful girl.

I wish we did.

I'm sorry we didn't.

I'm so sorry my beautiful mouse.

I will be sorry for the rest of my days.

My heart will never forgive or forget.

I should of known.

I wish know I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back...

~

It doesn't get better

My sweet mouse,

Today was the start of a tough week. Tough is not even the word to describe it...

Immediately I felt it in my heart when I woke up. Monday. Was it this Monday 3 years ago? Or will it be next?

Immediately I felt my spirit overshadowed- covered by a blanket of sadness. And I don't have the power to lift it. I couldn't & I already knew it. I didn't even attempt to. That is what I've learned with grief. There is no way to stop it, even if you want to.
...

My only saving grace is that Daddy & your sisters were home too. It's teacher work-day for your sisters & Daddy had the morning off. We had a nice breakfast & Daddy & I hugged each other crying in each other's arms. We lit a candle for you & said a little prayer before we ate.

We asked God to help us & give us strength to get us through this. To take care of you until we see you again....

It's so hard baby girl.

We miss you so much. It's still so hard to believe...
...

We'll be going to the beach for your angelversary. I reserved a room for just a day. We wanted to wake up Friday morning & watch the sunrise on the beach. Sissy & I especially- agreed that we feel closest to you there my angel.

I feel bad, because the last 2 years, Grandma & the rest of the family have spent that day with us. They've driven down, went to mass, went to your place in the gardens, released balloons & then went to Ihop for breakfast...

I love having them down here. I appreciate them coming down, to be with us on such a hard day. For support. The fact that they remember, that they take the time to be here. It means more than I can say.

There are no complaints. Except that I've found that this day- this very day of your angelversary, I cannot wear a mask. Any other day, I can pull off a smile. I can act like my heart isn't breaking & fool everyone. But on this day, my heart shatters all over again- again & again. And I can't pretend.

The first year, I locked myself in my room for over an hour & just balled. I had to call my mom on the phone & I just cried & cried....meanwhile Daddy's family was down here waiting to eat lunch.

Last year, I had to walk out of mass because I could not hold in the tears & I just lost it outside. Cecilia was there to hug & hold me. But I was sorry I disrupted the service. I was sorry to cause a scene. I know everyone felt sorry for me & didn't know what to say or do. So they just stared. It was pitiful & awkward.

But how could I help it?

Even when I tried to hold it in, I couldn't. Even as I tried to hear the priest's words...I couldn't. Nothing could sooth me. Nothing. I just needed to cry. I just needed to let it out. I just needed to be alone.

Not completely alone, baby girl. But I needed to be somewhere with just Daddy & your sisters & mourn in peace, or silence, or scream or cry if we needed to. Where I don't need to pretend to be strong...
...

I know Grandma & family are big on traditions. I know they planned on coming down this year too. But I knew this year had to be different.

I told Daddy far enough in advance to let them know, that this year we wanted to try something different. I know they understand, but I still feel bad.

I know them coming down here to be with us, is not only for us- but for them too. :(

I know Daddy & Bella would go along with anything, as long as we're together. They would be ok with continuing the tradition we started, with mass, balloons & breakfast. But my heart was really telling me to go to the beach.

Sigh...

Oh baby girl. This is the most painful journey. It doesn't get better, it just changes. I've learned we will never figure it out, because it changes with time. But better- it will never get. :(

I pray. I pray so hard. I pray for anything that will make it better.

I hope the beach will help this year.

While I know we can't "runaway" from grief...it's not the reason. We just always feel closer to you there. <3

The only thing that would make it better is to have you back...

I love you my little girl.

Forever & ever- for all eternity.
Your mommy <3<3


 P.S. I forgot to show you:

I ordered these to pass out with the flyers. <3