~

My sweet beautiful girl,

I love you so much.

Always and forever,
Your mommy

Dear Hailey,

Today we packed a little more of your things. Sissy and Bella helped. This past weekend Auntie & the boys came to help too. I was so glad I didn’t have to do it alone. It would of been so much harder...

But having Auntie there the first day- I was so thankful babygirl. The boys too were so sweet, saying they always miss you. What made it wonderful is that we were sharing our Hailey stories, and just talking about you in general. My favorite thing to do.

It’s amazing how many memories a physical item can bring back...different than a picture. Your babies, stuffed animals, a drawing, your favorite pair of shoes or jeans...

Peoples, places & events come back. You come back. My sweet angel.

You come back to me laughing, smiling...and suddenly I can hear your voice again. I can see the light in your eyes. The joy fills my heart.

Of course it makes me miss you too, my mouse. So very much.

...

Being in your room filled with your things- makes me feel so close to you. Like any minute you’re going to come back, walking through the door.

The fact that you won’t. That you never will again...

Like Auntie said, it’s still so very hard to believe. :(

I feel like I did in the very beginning...going through the motions. Going through your things, figuring what we’re keeping, what’s going, to whom, where...

And any minute it’s going to hit me again, and completely destroy me.

...

I pray not my angel.

I gave Tyler your new art set I bought you on your last Christmas. You had opened it, but never used it. He loves to draw too he was happy. :)

He was saying things like, “Hailey loved kids. She would of been the best teacher.” They were amazed to see your collections of dolls & stuffed animals, sleeping comfortably on your bed & their make-shift bed on your floor. All tucked in, covered snugly by a blanket.

We all agreed- yes you would of been the best mom & teacher. <3

...

Today we reminisced with your sisters too. There were smiles, laughs & tears. So many memories baby girl. I hope you were there laughing with us. 

I want to create the same feeling in our new home, in the room we have chosen for you- that we feel in your room. It don’t be 100% the same my angel, but it will be special. The one thing I don’t think we can recreate, is your smell. 

All your clothes, blankets and babies smell like you. Like the Victoria Secret spray perfume I got you that you loved & used all the time. 

Tomorrow I’m going to check the bottle for the name & write it down so I don’t forget.

...

It’s so late & im exhausted my angel. I also have to work tomorrow morning & we still have do much to do.

I love you. I miss you. With every breath.

Mommy <3

Awhile

My beautiful girl,

Things are moving along slowly but surely. I'm sorry it's been awhile since I last wrote.

We've been busy with packing, cleaning, moving & painting all at once. And basketball practices, dance rehearsals, dance recital in between...

I'm physically & mentally beat. I'm not as young as I used to be either & definitely out of shape. But we've accomplished a good amount with the little time we've had. Neither Daddy or I can take any real time off to knock this out in one shot, nor do we care to. I don't know which is worse...but I think moving is torturous either way.
...

There was a moment yesterday where us girls were painting Sissy's new room; with music playing, us laughing about something, carrying on & I had a sudden flash of...I don't even know what. But all I know is that at that moment, I wished so bad you were there with us, laughing & carrying on too.

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, wondering which color you would of picked for your room. Sissy picked a lavender color, she said, for you. She said she had to have some kind of purple in her room. <3
...

Bella picked a grayish color, because her bedspread is light purple with gray butterflies & her lamp is silver. She thought that purple walls would be "too much purple". I agree.

The ceilings in their rooms are high, so we borrowed Papi's 8 foot ladder to paint the tops. Even so, I still have to twist, stretch & turn...with your sisters spotting me to make sure I don't break my neck.

I had plans to paint the rest of the house baby girl, but after this last week I decided to wait. It's a lot of work & very expensive.
...

Today was Bella's dance recital & she was so good! Daddy was able to get a Saturday off (unbelievable)...so he was there too. The entire show was great, all the dancers & costumes were awesome.

During the show, I remembered how when Bella started soccer, you told me you wanted to join next season...I was pretty sure it was because you wanted a pair of matching cleats with your soccer outfit. <3

When I told you yes, you smiled your big beautiful smile. I imagined you sitting next to me today, leaning over & whispering in my ear... "Mommy, can I join dance too in the fall?" I would say yes, you'd smile & I'd be thinking of how it was because you loved the glittery costumes & make-up & wanted to dress up too. <3
...

I miss you my mouse.

I always think of you.

We'll be moving the rest of our stuff in the next couple of weeks, including yours. Part of me is excited, because I'm so happy about our new place & I can't wait to 'bring you with us'...

The other part of me is dreading it, because I know it will hurt.

It already hurts.
...

Lavender roses <3

Our first rainbow of the summer. It's been awhile since our last one.
It made me smile. <3

~

One of many sweet gifts. <3

I love and miss you so much.

Every single moment of every single day.

Always and forever,
Your mommy <3

Dear Mouse,

We did it.

I’m so tired. But I wanted to write to tell you.

I love you baby girl.

We left this Haileyfly nightlight in your space by my room, that Ayde gave us. As a reminder that you are always with us.

But I wish you were here with your sisters fighting about which room is yours...

I miss you.

Goodnight <3

Mommy

Still proud

My sweet girl,

This weekend passed by so fast. Even with work, packing & cleaning pending...so many things coming up with the move; I find myself needing to stop to write to you.

I miss you.

I find myself realizing how big of a change, how big of a step this will be in our lives & I can't help but miss you even more. I can't help but wish that you were physically here with us...even more. And the hardest part hasn't come even yet.

I'm trying pace myself.
...

Your sisters are finally done with school. They are definitely due for a break- I'm very proud of them.

The other day I had to go in the office for some training- one "training exercise" we had to do, was to pick a person in the room whom we didn't know & talk for 2 minutes, about one thing in our lives that we were really proud of (to make an example of how important listening skills are).

The first thing that popped into my head was you girls.

I told my partner I was proud of my 3 girls. She didn't know & 2 minutes wasn't enough time to explain...but even if I had longer, what could I say? To a complete stranger?

These moments are always so hard & painful baby girl. I will always be a mom of 3, no matter what. And I could never exclude you. Why should I have to? Yet, to have to explain or how to explain...

I have to put that mask on again, & say whatever I need to say, with a smile.
...

It made me think though, when I went to see you later at the gardens....

Of how true it is, that I'm still so very proud of you.
 
That even though I can't see it, I know it, I feel it- that you are doing great things up there & down here too. <3

I just know you are.

And it brings tears to my eyes & a big smile to my face.
...

Going through my file boxes I found old report cards that I kept from you girls...all had so many good things to say.

But of course there were the occasional, "Hailey is too chatty with her friends." "Needs to pay better attention, so I moved her to another desk." It made me laugh, because I could just picture you & hear you....

My social butterfly. That's what I would always call you. <3

Bella was a talker too, but she's better now. :)
...

"Otherwise a delight." "She's a good mentor" Friendly, kind" So many good things...

Mrs.Greene's (your favorite) comment: "I'm so happy to have a relationship with Hailey."

It made me smile thinking of how you would come home & play teacher, & stick a pillow under your shirt pretending to be her, after she got pregnant.

How much you missed her while she was on maternity leave. How upset you were the day she came by to show the class her new baby boy, but "She didn't take him out of his carriage Mommy! She didn't let us hold him! She said because she didn't want us to give him germs!" You were so mad. But in your usual cute, funny, pouty way...when you didn't get something you really wanted.
...

It's amazing how many memories can come flashing back my mouse, from a few simple words.

Again, I'm so happy I'm the silly crazy mom who kept all your report cards...just like I took all those pictures & posted them to Facebook, that used to make all 3 of you laugh & make you roll your eyes.
...

Even with keeping all that stuff, I've gotten rid of a lot of other things that I didn't need baby girl. That's the other thing- that one learns after loss. The things that really matter.

20, 30, 40 years from now- it won't be the tax returns, receipts, none of that crap. It'll be the drawings you girls drew, the pictures & videos we took as a family, your old report cards & awards you earned...all our memories.

Maybe I'll look at them again when I'm old & gray & forgetful & remember all over again.

Or maybe one day your sisters will look through the same piles & laugh & smile, remembering those same flash of memories too. Or maybe they'll still roll their eyes, thinking what a silly crazy mom they had, keeping all that stuff. :)

Either way, I hope they know it's only because I was proud of them. How I still am, & always will be. All you three...

I love you my mouse. And I miss you.

Every single day.

Always & forever,
Your silly mommy

<3

~

So true.

My sweet girl,

I wish I were at the beach again watching the sunrise. The pic above was from the trip we took right before your anniversary, I don’t think I got a chance to write you about it, except for that sad letter the night before. But it was a nice trip, a nice break-~ a chance to get away. I wish we had more days like this.

Time just keeps ticking. Things are moving along...it’s your sisters last week of school. We’re supposed to close on the townhouse next week, Bella’s dance recital after that...we’ve already had 2 bdays; Joshua & Gabby, Auntie’s coming up...

In the midst of that I’ve been trying to go through some things, already I’ve found some lost treasures. <3 Letters, cards, drawings, pictures, projects, writings belonging to you & your sisters. Things that are worth more to me than gold. I’m so glad I was one of those silly sentimental moms that kept everything...I mean everything!

I’m so glad babygirl, because I really did find priceless gems. I’m going to take a picture of a few so I can share here.
...

Making all these finds has made my heart happy & sad at the same time. Has made me walk down memory lane, made me nostalgic, grateful, remorseful, all at the same time.

Definitely, closer to you. <3
...

It’s made me realize how the years go by. How fast it seems yet how many stories, how many memories have filled those days.

Mostly good. The best parts, have had you girls in it.
...

I’m learning to keep stepping back when I need to breathe my angel. I know this move will test me, will bring the waves...it will one of the hardest things I’ll have to do, so I keep telling myself to step back & breathe...ask for help when I need it.

Even with all my anxiety & doubts, I feel like you are here by my side. Every time I open a letter or a card, a drawing from you...& I see the words “I love you mommy”, it fills my heart.

I love you back Hailey.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

I love this picture of you. It was taken at your cousins’
house in Jersey. I remember this dress was handed down
by them too. All you girls inherited each other’s clothes,
each year exchanging bags back n forth. <3
My sweet tan baby girl. Always loved dresses & dressing up. 

My mouse,

I’m going to have to stay away from social media these next couple weeks. The pictures, posts & reminders that you would be graduating middle school...the celebrations & happy memories, another milestone you’ll never reach...

It’s too much for me right now.

I miss you baby girl.

I know you’re with us in spirit. But it’s still so hard sometimes, in moments like these. So I will just step back and breathe.

I love you.

So much.

Mommy