~

:(

We 

This was me yesterday, my heart breaking into two. No where
to hide...my heart is always with you. 

Winding down

My sweet Hailey,

This summer is winding down so quickly. Many stores already have Halloween decorations up. Normally I would gladly welcome Fall, since it's my favorite time of year. But this year feels different...

I guess because of our move, but I think what affected me too was finding the part of your "All About Me" book...where you said Summer & Spring are your favorite seasons. It just reminded me of all our Summers & Springs- Spring of course always reminds me of you because of your birthday.

I think the nostalgia of recalling all those memories, made me kind of stuck there. Not wanting to jump into Fall just yet.

Plus, I just started to see a bunch of Haileyflies everywhere we go. <3

...

Your sisters have one day left before going back to school, baby girl. Of course this has been on my mind too. I had a big wave of grief crash over me the day before yesterday, after we went to Bella's orientation. It was after that, & having a "conversation" with my uncle regarding the current situation with my mom. It brought back the trip to Bolivia & everything with my mom...

It's hard my angel. It sucks the life out of me. It brings me to this low low place & it takes everything I have to try & make my way back up... :(

You should be starting high school this year.

I guess no matter what, it's always going to feel like this. Every year, every milestone you miss. It breaks me in half, into millions of little pieces & there's nothing I can do but let myself grieve.
...

I'm lucky to have our family that understands & gives me space when I need it, is there what I need them too...I'm so lucky baby girl.

Tomorrow I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy the last day with your sisters. Of course we're going to visit you at the gardens & drop off some flowers to wish you luck on your first day of high school in Heaven. <3

I'm going to try because I can hear your voice telling me to- telling me to get some sun, to enjoy it for the both of us. So I am my beautiful girl. Thank you for always reminding & guiding me.

I love & miss you with all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Love her.

My beautiful girl,

Thinking of you and feeling this awful pain in my heart. Today was a good day, I shouldn’t even feel this way...but that’s not how it works is it my angel.

I love you my little girl.

You must of been smiling & giggling as you heard us with Dylan today. He had his first sleepover with Bella last night, it made my heart happy to see him & watch them two like brother & sister. He loves & remembers you so much my mouse. Just like Valeria. It warms my heart. He said things like “Hailey was always very nice to me.” And “I wish we could ask her what Heaven is like.”

We talked about our memories together & it made me realize again how everyone grieves for you babygirl, we are not the only ones. It makes me extra sad though to see the kids suffer that way. It’s almost beautiful & cruel, because it’s awesome that they remember you...but cruel that they miss you in the same way that we miss you. It’s even harder to answer the questions we grown ups don’t know for ourselves.

He said, “I hope we see Hailey again.” That was the only real answer I could give him, saying yes, we will one day. <3
...

Please look after your cousins if you can babygirl. Or ask God to...

Last night when he talked about monsters or seeing things behind the window I told him he didn’t have to worry because you’re an angel & you are protecting him in his sleep. I turned your purple lights on in your room & he said it helped him sleep, knowing you were close by protecting him. :)
...

I hope we get more chances to hang out with them. In the end, that’s all we have & all who matter. Our family & friends.

Goodnight my angel.
Tomorrow is Monday, I work all day.
It takes everything I have to try & go about having a normal day & not a “grief day”. I need to keep busy.

I love you so much. My sweet girl.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

My mouse,

Your sisters came back from Jersey today with Sydney and your uncles. As soon as I saw Bella I could tell something was wrong & I had a feeling I knew what.

I could always tell in her voice, in her eyes, in the way she acts...I guess like everyone else when they’re sad, it shows. But there’s a deeper sense of sadness I see in both your sisters eyes when it comes to you...
...

Sure enough, we sat on the basement floor, while your sister was rummaging through her memory box looking for a couple notes you had written her in glow-in-the dark pen. She said you wrote a note to her once after having an argument & she saved it. She finally found the tool you have to use to read it...

As she was talking & explaining I asked her how she was. That I could tell something was wrong & I hoped she knew she could talk to me. She started to cry saying how much she misses you. :(

She said how she had fun but there were times she really wished you were here, specially when her &  Sissy weren’t getting along. It always hurts so much to see her break down like that babygirl. I feel so helpless. She always knows how to make me feel better when I have one, I try my best too.

I always remind her how much you loved her & how much you love her still. How you were so lucky to have each other as sisters...

I was sitting there with her while hugging her & wiping her tears...telling her all these things & all of a sudden I look up & there’s a black butterfly fluttering outside the window. I pointed it out to her in excitement & she saw it. <3

I told her see, she’s always with you no matter what. Even if it’s not in the way we wish you could be...I know, I know...

I just want to write & document all these times so your sisters can grow up & remember my angel. The bond was so powerful between you too, I just know in my heart that her anguish & tears were felt by you, wherever you are & a beautiful Haileyfly was summoned to remind us you’re always here, that you will never leave.<3

I told your sister after that, that if she ever needed you...to close her eyes & think of you. It could be anything, but to shut everything else out & listen closely. That if she listens hard enough she will hear & feel you. It may be through a picture of you smiling, a surge of peace or overwhelming love that washes over, even the sound of your voice or laugh...

To watch for signs closely that may not even come at that moment, but will eventually. It’s you. You will never really truly leave us, because you are always with us.

I love you my beautiful girl & I miss you.

Thank your always for our precious signs.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

My beautiful mermaid,

We spent a beautiful day at the beach yesterday- just one day. But like I told your sisters, one great day is better than 5 or 10 crappy ones.

It was much needed my angel. Me & Bella woke up to watch the gorgeous sunrise from the 17th floor hotel room, what a view! <3

Of course, my thoughts are always with you.

I prayed for you & talked to you...

About an hour later when Sissy woke up & we both went back out to the balcony, I saw a Haileyfly flutter towards us & then above us. The sun was shining so bright that Sissy missed it, but I saw her. 17 floors up...who knew they could fly up so high. <3

Then later on the beach we saw one again, a huge yellow monarch flutter around us then to the tops of the umbrellas...beautiful & playful just like you.

My heart smiled babygirl.
...

I had been sad on the way to the beach. Daddy & I were recalling memories of you while driving then  suddenly here comes the tears....

I just miss you. Always. Everyday.

So seeing your Haileyflies cheered me up. We saw a bunch of dragonflies too.
...

Tomorrow I’m driving up to Jersey & dropping your sisters off there to spend a few days with your cousins. I’m only staying for a day then driving back alone because Daddy has to work. It’ll be a nice break for all of us babygirl. Your sisters last hurrah before school starts again.

I wish we could of stayed at the beach longer, but I’m glad we at least went. This morning’s sunrise was more glorious than the last...it was just me and Daddy this time. And right in front of him I asked
God to take care of you. That I know you’re making him proud & doing great things for him, but that we miss you too. And love you so much...

Every single day.

And for a moment instead of picturing you as an angel, I stared off into the ocean & pictured you swimming with the dolphins- my beautiful lovely mermaid.

Still floating

My dear Hailey,

It feels like forever baby girl...

It's already August. Not sure what happened to our summer, but it just flew by. The move took up our first half- hopefully we'll get a chance to squeeze in a few days of fun at least for the second half.

Things are coming together slowly but surely. The basement is the only thing we have to clear out & fix up now. These past two weekends Daddy & I have worked on the front & back yards & even though it was hard grueling work, I actually found myself happy for the first time in a long time.

Happy that it's finally to start to feel like home. Happy that Daddy & I are working on something together, as a team. That we are striving & trying for the same things...a loving happy healthy home; for the first time in a long time.

This life is so crazy baby girl. The things (the hell) that we have to go through to get to a comfortable, safe place....it's amazing. Scary and unfair at times. I just pray & pray that it continues on this path. It's so easy to veer off the path, I know this too well. So many times we have experienced it. So many times we need to be reminded of what our end goal is, forced to see it's worth.

Nothing comes easy.

And even though it's never going to feel complete again, we are trying our best to just not be broken.
...

For one, your mommy has reminders of you all over the house. It eases my heart to feel you around me all the time.

Our sun room. <3

I'm trying to not go overboard, but it's so hard.

Every time I see an angel or a butterfly, I have to buy it. But after this move, with all the packing & unpacking...I swore I would never buy anything else!
...

We miss you my mouse.

Right beside me, as I write, your room sits next to mine. Your purple lights hanging on the window frame. Your babies, stuffed animals, picture frames, decorations, all within feet of me. It makes me feel closer to you. Just like the other house, on the days & nights I miss you the most- I grab your pillow sheet or something of yours & I hold or hug it tightly.

The picture of you & Isabelle (your bestie) that was on your nightstand, I placed on a shelf along with another framed picture of you & your friends.

Since we moved, I've had a feeling that I should tell her we moved. I've had her in my thoughts. This morning I woke up with an overwhelming urge to check on her. It's like you were telling me I should.

I haven't been on Instagram so much lately, so I went there first. And there it was- the same picture of you & her that you had on your nightstand.

She posted it on her story with the caption: "My sweet angel, I miss you." <3

It warmed my heart baby girl, & as surprised as I should be by the coincidence, I really wasn't.

What are the chances that you knew your sweet friend was thinking of you & missing you & I woke up with this overwhelming urge to check on her, to tell her you miss & love her too? That we do too?

I can't explain it. But I tried when I messaged her. She was glad to hear from me, & said she gets signs from you too & knows you are with her all the time. That she thinks of you everyday. <3

Oh it really filled my heart, my angel.

It always does, to know that your beautiful friends remember you. But how could they not? I know it's silly to think they would forget- but just to hear it...

I mentioned her starting high school soon, that I know she'll do great & that you'll always be by her side. I know you will.
...

There's so much more to write about baby girl, that I won't try to write about tonight. Other things I have on my mind, that are worry me. I'm pretty sure you know what they are.

I've prayed God give us strength to help us face our troubles. I've prayed that he especially protect my mom during this difficult time, that he help guide us for answers.

I will have faith that we do. That is all we can do, for now.

I love & miss you Hailey.

My beautiful girl. Every single day of my life.

Until I see you again, and even after then...until infinity.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Daddy just walked in & said to tell you he loves you & good night & he can't wait. <3