My mouse,
It’s Tuesday evening. I’m in the parking lot outside your sister’s dance school, waiting for her ballet class to finish. Usually I go run an errand, or go check out some of the stores in the area, or just sit & catch up on social media.
Tonight, I’m thinking of you. My heart is with you, always. But especially this week. Your birthday is coming up & you’ve been on my mind non-stop. My heart is hurting.
Your angelversary, your birthday, Mother’s day. That’s the order. 4 years now. Some might think it shouldn’t hurt as much by now, that I should be used to it. Or that I should be over it. But how can I?
You should be here, bugging me about the plans for your bday. Just like when you were little, planning months ahead of time. Already knowing the theme, colors, food, place & time.
...
Your 15th. Your quince.
Would you of asked for an elaborate traditional quince like some of Sissy’s friends? Even though it was never a tradition in my family; would you of seen or gone with Sissy to her friends quinces & fell in love with the dresses & glamour of the whole event & then begged for one of your own?
Or would you of been like Sissy, telling me she rather wait for the big party on her sweet 16 & months later tell me she would of maybe liked the quince instead?
..,
I will never know. I can only wonder.
For the rest of my life, I know I will wonder.
Wonder & imagine. How happy & beautiful you would of looked.
What a proud mama I would be, looking on at my little girl growing up just like her sisters.
I can only imagine how it would be, to go on living without this big hole in my heart. Like I once did.
There’s no use in trying to remember how it felt, because that was another life. Another reality. Another me. And I can never get it back again.
...
It will be a hard day for me my little girl.
Maybe harder than previous years. I’m not sure why, but it just is...
I will try, for you, to continue our tradition now of celebrating you...
But I can’t promise my mouse. Please forgive me. I just miss you too much & it hurts so damn much.
I wish I could just reach out & hug you, just once.
I really need one of your big bear hugs.
I love you.
Mommy
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
Tattoo
Dear Hailey,
Your anniversary came & went baby girl.
I was hoping to find some time alone, just me & my grief...to feel you close to me. Some silence, to be able to hear your voice. God's voice. The universe's...
The only time alone I got was day before- when I went to see you at the gardens & then went to get this, on my ankle:
I don't know why I had to go alone, but I did.
Sissy was upset. She wanted to go with me, maybe get one too. I don't know baby girl. Your mommy acts on whims sometimes...but I had been thinking of doing this for some time now. I just didn't know when.
I've had many ideas for memorial tattoos, since the first year. I remember the medium I spoke to over the phone. She knew about it...she said you did too & you loved the idea.
It was when we moved & I found so many letters, notes, drawings, & cards you drew & signed over the years. For mother's days, birthdays, holidays...so many sweet notes from you. I kept them all. <3
I wanted to remember all your sweet words, your cute little drawings you made for me. I went back & forth trying to decide which one. I put them in a shoe box & took it with me on the way to the shop. I was half way over there, that I made the decision to get this one. I could hear your voice, telling me this was the one.
Maybe that's why I needed to go alone. To hear your voice. To do something for just me & you. Just the two of us.
...
It did hurt, but not as much as I thought. The tattoo artist was nice & easy going & he did a good job. I really love it my mouse. I won't regret it, I know.
Every time I look at it, it makes me heart smile.
...
On the way back home, I said to you in the car: " I did it baby girl! I did it! And I love it! It turned out so good."
Just then this song came on & I knew it was you responding. <3
This same song came on at Daniella's birthday party.
I was talking to tia about Louis. Ayde was there too. We were talking about the both of you- about signs & about our loss. I remember asking tia if she's gotten a sign from him yet & she said not really. We were talking about it baby girl & then just then the same song came on. Every Breath You Take from the Police.
Me & Ayde looked at each other. We smiled because we were both thinking the same thing.
The words/lyrics spoke to me:
Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you
<3
...
I love you Hailey.
I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel like this is just a dream.
This life still seems blurry. I can't see or think straight.
There are only a few things I know to be real & true- our love & our family & friends.
Your anniversary is also a reminder of that, because that is what is shown to us. All the calls & messages we receive from all those who remember. Those who still love you & will never forget you.
I know we are not alone.
There will be another letter about your anniversary my angel.
There were the random acts of kindness, my tattoo & your cousins' visit...
It was not just a sad day & I thank God for that.
I continue to pray for strength. Not just for us- but for everyone. All our family & friends & loved ones.
...
One more day baby girl. I can't wait.
Love,
Mommy <3
Your anniversary came & went baby girl.
I was hoping to find some time alone, just me & my grief...to feel you close to me. Some silence, to be able to hear your voice. God's voice. The universe's...
The only time alone I got was day before- when I went to see you at the gardens & then went to get this, on my ankle:
 |
| From a folded note you gave me. This was on one side & on the other you wrote From: Hailey To: Mommy. On the inside you drew a bunch of pictures with little messages. <3 |
Sissy was upset. She wanted to go with me, maybe get one too. I don't know baby girl. Your mommy acts on whims sometimes...but I had been thinking of doing this for some time now. I just didn't know when.
I've had many ideas for memorial tattoos, since the first year. I remember the medium I spoke to over the phone. She knew about it...she said you did too & you loved the idea.
It was when we moved & I found so many letters, notes, drawings, & cards you drew & signed over the years. For mother's days, birthdays, holidays...so many sweet notes from you. I kept them all. <3
I wanted to remember all your sweet words, your cute little drawings you made for me. I went back & forth trying to decide which one. I put them in a shoe box & took it with me on the way to the shop. I was half way over there, that I made the decision to get this one. I could hear your voice, telling me this was the one.
Maybe that's why I needed to go alone. To hear your voice. To do something for just me & you. Just the two of us.
...
It did hurt, but not as much as I thought. The tattoo artist was nice & easy going & he did a good job. I really love it my mouse. I won't regret it, I know.
Every time I look at it, it makes me heart smile.
...
On the way back home, I said to you in the car: " I did it baby girl! I did it! And I love it! It turned out so good."
Just then this song came on & I knew it was you responding. <3
This same song came on at Daniella's birthday party.
I was talking to tia about Louis. Ayde was there too. We were talking about the both of you- about signs & about our loss. I remember asking tia if she's gotten a sign from him yet & she said not really. We were talking about it baby girl & then just then the same song came on. Every Breath You Take from the Police.
Me & Ayde looked at each other. We smiled because we were both thinking the same thing.
The words/lyrics spoke to me:
Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you
<3
...
I love you Hailey.
I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel like this is just a dream.
This life still seems blurry. I can't see or think straight.
There are only a few things I know to be real & true- our love & our family & friends.
Your anniversary is also a reminder of that, because that is what is shown to us. All the calls & messages we receive from all those who remember. Those who still love you & will never forget you.
I know we are not alone.
There will be another letter about your anniversary my angel.
There were the random acts of kindness, my tattoo & your cousins' visit...
It was not just a sad day & I thank God for that.
I continue to pray for strength. Not just for us- but for everyone. All our family & friends & loved ones.
...
One more day baby girl. I can't wait.
Love,
Mommy <3
 |
| Your sisters & the purple butterfly we found at The National Harbor <3 |
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Saturday, April 20, 2019
4 years
To read at the gardens:
My little girl,
Daddy said today was going to be a day of celebration, to remember your life instead of mourning it.
But as I sit here & type, all I think about..is how it's been 4 years. And how hard it is to believe, that we've lived this long without you.
So you'll have to excuse my tears, at least while I write this letter.
...
While I don't want to remember those last couple of days before you left, I can't help but think that was the last time I got to hold you & touch you & see your beautiful face.
I would of never imagined we could survive even a day without you. From day one, all I could ask God was why & how? To live without my baby girl, my heart, my life.
I didn't think I could.
But somehow, little by little, day by day I did. I knew I had to.
We all did.
Those days eventually turning into weeks, months & now years.
...
It's hard to put into words baby girl, how much we love & miss you.
I can't help but wonder how you would look, how you would be? How many boys would daddy have to be chasing away with a shotgun?
You are always with us, always in our thoughts.
I laugh picturing you in the middle of your sisters & cousins measuring each other's height, arguing about who's taller or guessing about who's going to outgrow the other. I smile listening to them go back & forth about stuff, imaging you right in middle...being just as loud & having just as much fun. Just like you all did when you were little....
Because that's the beautiful thing about love baby girl. Nothing can take it away. Not even death.
It's what binds us & what brings us close to you.
It's what gives us strength, even in the darkest days...
...
We have made so many wonderful memories, even in the short 10 years you were here. Even though we will never stop missing you, or wishing you were here...
You somehow still are.
We will hold & cherish those memories.
We will never forget.
We will make new ones, like the ones we're making now, just being together & remembering you.
I'm so thankful for that.
We will celebrate your life. We will shed tears. We will feel you close. We will love you forever.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
My little girl,
Daddy said today was going to be a day of celebration, to remember your life instead of mourning it.
But as I sit here & type, all I think about..is how it's been 4 years. And how hard it is to believe, that we've lived this long without you.
So you'll have to excuse my tears, at least while I write this letter.
...
While I don't want to remember those last couple of days before you left, I can't help but think that was the last time I got to hold you & touch you & see your beautiful face.
I would of never imagined we could survive even a day without you. From day one, all I could ask God was why & how? To live without my baby girl, my heart, my life.
I didn't think I could.
But somehow, little by little, day by day I did. I knew I had to.
We all did.
Those days eventually turning into weeks, months & now years.
...
It's hard to put into words baby girl, how much we love & miss you.
I can't help but wonder how you would look, how you would be? How many boys would daddy have to be chasing away with a shotgun?
You are always with us, always in our thoughts.
I laugh picturing you in the middle of your sisters & cousins measuring each other's height, arguing about who's taller or guessing about who's going to outgrow the other. I smile listening to them go back & forth about stuff, imaging you right in middle...being just as loud & having just as much fun. Just like you all did when you were little....
Because that's the beautiful thing about love baby girl. Nothing can take it away. Not even death.
It's what binds us & what brings us close to you.
It's what gives us strength, even in the darkest days...
...
We have made so many wonderful memories, even in the short 10 years you were here. Even though we will never stop missing you, or wishing you were here...
You somehow still are.
We will hold & cherish those memories.
We will never forget.
We will make new ones, like the ones we're making now, just being together & remembering you.
I'm so thankful for that.
We will celebrate your life. We will shed tears. We will feel you close. We will love you forever.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Even though
My little girl,
April has arrived. My mom's birthday, in just a couple of days.
There is so much to catch up on, so much to tell. Even though I know you are watching, even though I know you are near.
Everyday we talk to you, think of you, talk about you, visit you often at the gardens...light a candle at the table...
Even though these letters are few, we include you every step of the way.
...
I'll start with the good news about Sissy.
Even before Christmas, she was busy researching & applying for colleges. It's been a process, new to all of us. She did early applications for all the ones that allowed it. We toured a few on Daddy & I's days off, two being a couple hours away...
Within months, we starting receiving acceptance letters to Mary Mount, Old Dominion, Radford & Towson; her third choices. Her first & second choices; George Mason & VCU put her on waitlists. She was a bit disillusioned, but I contacted the admissions office for Mason & she resubmitted her resume, got another teacher recommendation & Daddy went with her in person to speak to an admissions officer to see what else we could do to help her get off the waitlist.
Well, it worked baby girl. We got the acceptance email a couple of weeks ago. :)
We are so happy & excited for her, as I know you are too. When Sissy told us, the first thing that popped in my head was your bright smiling face, smiling from ear to ear. You cried, "Yay Sissy!!" I could hear your voice so clearly. <3
...
I'm so glad my angel. It's been stressful these last few months. A lot of pressure. A learning process, since neither Daddy or I went to a "real" college. I went to a community college, but it was much different. I went in person to apply, register & pay from my own pocket...
I do have to give Sissy a lot of credit though, for doing most of it on her own. Application time was right around the holidays, when we were busy with work, home & grief. When I did offer to help, it seemed like we often butted heads instead.
But that's all forgotten now baby girl. It was all worth it in the end.
She deserves this opportunity. I always wanted this for her. My heart couldn't be happier.
...
So a new chapter begins baby girl.
From this thought, I could write 10 more letters.
Besides happiness, there are many other emotions. My first thought is Bella.
But that will be for another letter.
...
This one, is about Sissy. Her prom, graduation is next. Orientation for Mason. All in the next couple of months.
But first we have to get through your anniversary & birthday, my mouse.
My heart forgets all else & the ache returns.
My eyes well up with tears, making it difficult to type.
Another year.
Another year since the last time I saw you. Another year closer to the next time I'll see you.
...
Even though I know you are near, I miss you.
Even though I know you can hear my thoughts, I wish you could reply back.
Even though I know I'll see you again, I wish it wasn't so long to wait...
Even though I know you are in heaven, I wish you were here with me.
Even though I'm happy. I am sad.
...
I'm sorry.
I love you my mouse.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
April has arrived. My mom's birthday, in just a couple of days.
There is so much to catch up on, so much to tell. Even though I know you are watching, even though I know you are near.
Everyday we talk to you, think of you, talk about you, visit you often at the gardens...light a candle at the table...
Even though these letters are few, we include you every step of the way.
...
I'll start with the good news about Sissy.
Even before Christmas, she was busy researching & applying for colleges. It's been a process, new to all of us. She did early applications for all the ones that allowed it. We toured a few on Daddy & I's days off, two being a couple hours away...
Within months, we starting receiving acceptance letters to Mary Mount, Old Dominion, Radford & Towson; her third choices. Her first & second choices; George Mason & VCU put her on waitlists. She was a bit disillusioned, but I contacted the admissions office for Mason & she resubmitted her resume, got another teacher recommendation & Daddy went with her in person to speak to an admissions officer to see what else we could do to help her get off the waitlist.
Well, it worked baby girl. We got the acceptance email a couple of weeks ago. :)
We are so happy & excited for her, as I know you are too. When Sissy told us, the first thing that popped in my head was your bright smiling face, smiling from ear to ear. You cried, "Yay Sissy!!" I could hear your voice so clearly. <3
...
I'm so glad my angel. It's been stressful these last few months. A lot of pressure. A learning process, since neither Daddy or I went to a "real" college. I went to a community college, but it was much different. I went in person to apply, register & pay from my own pocket...
I do have to give Sissy a lot of credit though, for doing most of it on her own. Application time was right around the holidays, when we were busy with work, home & grief. When I did offer to help, it seemed like we often butted heads instead.
But that's all forgotten now baby girl. It was all worth it in the end.
She deserves this opportunity. I always wanted this for her. My heart couldn't be happier.
...
So a new chapter begins baby girl.
From this thought, I could write 10 more letters.
Besides happiness, there are many other emotions. My first thought is Bella.
But that will be for another letter.
...
This one, is about Sissy. Her prom, graduation is next. Orientation for Mason. All in the next couple of months.
But first we have to get through your anniversary & birthday, my mouse.
My heart forgets all else & the ache returns.
My eyes well up with tears, making it difficult to type.
Another year.
Another year since the last time I saw you. Another year closer to the next time I'll see you.
...
Even though I know you are near, I miss you.
Even though I know you can hear my thoughts, I wish you could reply back.
Even though I know I'll see you again, I wish it wasn't so long to wait...
Even though I know you are in heaven, I wish you were here with me.
Even though I'm happy. I am sad.
...
I'm sorry.
I love you my mouse.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
 |
| <3 |
 |
| <3 |
Saturday, April 6, 2019
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