i love you.
https://www.facebook.com/letterstohailey/
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Air
Baby girl,
Over the last few months I've read a lot on loss & grief...specially on the loss of a child. Some things I've purposely picked out & read, some I've come across that are completely random...or so I first thought.
The movies I've watched, on the days I can't bring myself to do anything else...not particularly looking for anything specific, but catch my eye somehow:
Wild (the last book I read before our trip, then saw the movie when we came back)- the journey of grief after losing her mom
Things We Lost in the Fire- wife grieving her husband's death
Ordinary People- family grieves over the loss of their son & brother
Still Alice- (read the book)- woman who copes with her diagnosis of Alzheimer's & deaths of her sister & mom when she was younger...
A Little Chaos- love story of a woman who loses her daughter
And probably more I can't remember at this very moment.
Much like the random articles I've found about child loss, while browsing magazines...that captured me so much I tore them out to save for later (they were the mags we recycle at work that they allow us to read during downtime).
The last article I read was about one of my favorite authors- Isabel Allende & the real life loss of her daughter, which I had no idea about. I was at work & had to stop reading it midway because it was so heartbreaking, I didn't want be answering the phones crying.
It was just such a coincidence that I happened to pick up that magazine. Just like I happened to click on those movies, or read those books.
I just started thinking, my angel, that maybe it hasn't been a coincidence after all?
And as sad as the stories are, I finish reading or watching because there's so much inspiration that comes from all of them. I started writing down some of the quotes, some are memorized, never leaving my mind. They help me, baby girl.
It helps me to know, I'm not the first. And that I'm not alone. And that just maybe, you or God or the universe has a hand in placing them in my path & making sure I find them there...
If so, then thank you. Thank you my angel.
When you can't breath, every little bit of air pumped into your lungs, helps.
I love you.
Mommy
*******
(From most recent)
A Little Chaos:
What if no one person is to blame? And what use is blame? It is enough to have that happen to you. It is enough to recover from it. That is as much as we may ask of ourselves. That is enough.
Isabelle Allende- who wrote a couple books about her daughter that I want to read.
Still Alice:
Wild:
“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.”
“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.”
“God is not a granter of wishes. God is a ruthless bitch.”
“…the death of my mother was the thing that made me believe the most deeply in my safety: nothing bad could happen to me, I thought. The worst thing already had.”
“I was a pebble. I was a leaf. I was the jagged branch of a tree. I was nothing to them and they were everything to me.”
Things We Lost In the Fire:
"You know, you gotta accept the good, man, ’cause they’re gonna make you accept the bad."
Accept the good.
Over the last few months I've read a lot on loss & grief...specially on the loss of a child. Some things I've purposely picked out & read, some I've come across that are completely random...or so I first thought.
The movies I've watched, on the days I can't bring myself to do anything else...not particularly looking for anything specific, but catch my eye somehow:
Wild (the last book I read before our trip, then saw the movie when we came back)- the journey of grief after losing her mom
Things We Lost in the Fire- wife grieving her husband's death
Ordinary People- family grieves over the loss of their son & brother
Still Alice- (read the book)- woman who copes with her diagnosis of Alzheimer's & deaths of her sister & mom when she was younger...
A Little Chaos- love story of a woman who loses her daughter
And probably more I can't remember at this very moment.
Much like the random articles I've found about child loss, while browsing magazines...that captured me so much I tore them out to save for later (they were the mags we recycle at work that they allow us to read during downtime).
The last article I read was about one of my favorite authors- Isabel Allende & the real life loss of her daughter, which I had no idea about. I was at work & had to stop reading it midway because it was so heartbreaking, I didn't want be answering the phones crying.
It was just such a coincidence that I happened to pick up that magazine. Just like I happened to click on those movies, or read those books.
I just started thinking, my angel, that maybe it hasn't been a coincidence after all?
And as sad as the stories are, I finish reading or watching because there's so much inspiration that comes from all of them. I started writing down some of the quotes, some are memorized, never leaving my mind. They help me, baby girl.
It helps me to know, I'm not the first. And that I'm not alone. And that just maybe, you or God or the universe has a hand in placing them in my path & making sure I find them there...
If so, then thank you. Thank you my angel.
When you can't breath, every little bit of air pumped into your lungs, helps.
I love you.
Mommy
*******
(From most recent)
A Little Chaos:
What if no one person is to blame? And what use is blame? It is enough to have that happen to you. It is enough to recover from it. That is as much as we may ask of ourselves. That is enough.
Isabelle Allende- who wrote a couple books about her daughter that I want to read.
Still Alice:
“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.”
“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.”
“God is not a granter of wishes. God is a ruthless bitch.”
“…the death of my mother was the thing that made me believe the most deeply in my safety: nothing bad could happen to me, I thought. The worst thing already had.”
“I was a pebble. I was a leaf. I was the jagged branch of a tree. I was nothing to them and they were everything to me.”
Things We Lost In the Fire:
"You know, you gotta accept the good, man, ’cause they’re gonna make you accept the bad."
Accept the good.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Another lifetime
My dear sweet Hailey,
Sometimes I feel I have lived several different lifetimes, and a thousand years have passed in between. Like I've lived in different worlds, in different times & been several different people.
Sometimes I look back & remember & find it hard to believe all these lives combined, have been all mine, rolled up into one. Yet, it is true. And here I still am, despite it all...
My mouse, this life that I'm living now. The one without you. The one that started the day I lost you....doesn't compare to anything I've have had to endure, ever.
In this lifetime, I am broken into a million pieces.
Each day, I try to find & sort each piece, one by one & glue myself back together.
In hopes that one day I can be somewhat whole again...despite the hole in my heart that I know will never mend.
In hopes that all this pain I feel, will transform to love & it will spill freely. Abundantly.
And that it will be enough to sustain me, so that I can continue to live...
Until I see you again, in another lifetime.
My sweet girl.
I love & miss you with all my heart. I will never forget you.
Forever,
Your Mommy <3
Sometimes I feel I have lived several different lifetimes, and a thousand years have passed in between. Like I've lived in different worlds, in different times & been several different people.
Sometimes I look back & remember & find it hard to believe all these lives combined, have been all mine, rolled up into one. Yet, it is true. And here I still am, despite it all...
My mouse, this life that I'm living now. The one without you. The one that started the day I lost you....doesn't compare to anything I've have had to endure, ever.
In this lifetime, I am broken into a million pieces.
Each day, I try to find & sort each piece, one by one & glue myself back together.
In hopes that one day I can be somewhat whole again...despite the hole in my heart that I know will never mend.
In hopes that all this pain I feel, will transform to love & it will spill freely. Abundantly.
And that it will be enough to sustain me, so that I can continue to live...
Until I see you again, in another lifetime.
My sweet girl.
I love & miss you with all my heart. I will never forget you.
Forever,
Your Mommy <3
Monday, January 4, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Trying
Dear Hailey,
We blinked & it's a new year already. I was looking forward to the holidays being over, and now here we are. A brand new year.
I remember in the past, really feeling a sense of a 'new year'. Allowing permission to rid ourselves of some baggage & feeling that sweet exhaling relief of letting go...
The feeling of excitement as we looked at the path ahead, filled with promise, holding in our hand a list of resolutions & declarations. A map to happiness...
I don't feel that way this year, baby girl. Not so far. And if I haven't already, it's most likely that I won't.
Everything's different now. Everything's changed.
I shed a few tears as we toasted sweet sparkling cider together (our tradition); us girls, Grandma & Pop Pop. I tried hard to hold in the feelings of sadness & regret, that were swelling up my heart to the point of explosion. Instead what we heard at the strike of midnight, was the sound of fireworks outside the living room window.
I'm glad it was a distraction to the tears that managed to escape (but I know were still noticed). New Year's is a time of reflection after all, how could I not reflect on all that's happened? Look ahead to the new year, without you my beautiful girl?
We know you are here in spirit. But we still miss you; the physical you & that won't ever change. New year or not. :(
But we lit a candle that night, knowing you were there with us. Acknowledging that you are always with us. We got the mozzarella sticks you love, along with all the other regular hors d'oeuvres (horseduvers :) we get; pizza bagel bites, shrimp cocktail, pigs in a blanket...
I was glad to have your sisters back, grateful to have Grandmom & Pop's company & that they were able to pick the girls up & drop them off. That the girls had a chance to spend time with your cousins. I'm sure you were there with them too.
******
Oh, my sweet Hailey.
My hope is for strength to go on. To find good ways to keep your memory alive. To make you proud.
We've looked into making a donation to the homeless shelter in Manassas, in your memory. It was the last project you worked on, before we left for Bolivia. It was a community service project, you & your group chose: homelessness. You worked on a poster board & pamphlets based on the research you & your group did. I still have the pamphlet. I've held on to it, so we could make the donations you suggested. We have bags of groceries in the trunk, but time ran out on us. Now we have to wait on a day when we're all off again at the same time (don't worry they're non perishables, they won't go bad ;)... I want your sisters to be there with me, when I drop them off. I want it to be meaningful.
Also, my mouse. I'm excited about another possible awareness project I've been reading about & researching for some months now. Today I spoke to the mom of another little girl, Reagan, who also passed due to DKA Type 1 Diabetes almost 2 years ago, from South Carolina. Her mom's been devoted to this project, working hard & with wonderful results.
All her hard work & dedication have come from the same place; her heart. We had a good long talk to day. We walk on the same exact path, my angel. And I know you are with her angel up there too.
She gave me some background information on the project, shared her experiences, & told me how to get started. She also offered help & asked that I contact her if I have any questions along the way...
Her last words to me were, " I love you. I don't know you, I've never met you, but I love you. Know that you are not alone."
I love her too my mouse.
And I love you.
I won't make any promises or resolutions for this new year except for this:
I promise to always try.
I will try to go on.
I will try to not only exist but to live & love.
Love with no fear.
No matter the path, no matter where it will lead me, you will always be with me.
See you in my dreams,
My beautiful angel.
Forever, your Mommy <3
We blinked & it's a new year already. I was looking forward to the holidays being over, and now here we are. A brand new year.
I remember in the past, really feeling a sense of a 'new year'. Allowing permission to rid ourselves of some baggage & feeling that sweet exhaling relief of letting go...
The feeling of excitement as we looked at the path ahead, filled with promise, holding in our hand a list of resolutions & declarations. A map to happiness...
I don't feel that way this year, baby girl. Not so far. And if I haven't already, it's most likely that I won't.
Everything's different now. Everything's changed.
I shed a few tears as we toasted sweet sparkling cider together (our tradition); us girls, Grandma & Pop Pop. I tried hard to hold in the feelings of sadness & regret, that were swelling up my heart to the point of explosion. Instead what we heard at the strike of midnight, was the sound of fireworks outside the living room window.
I'm glad it was a distraction to the tears that managed to escape (but I know were still noticed). New Year's is a time of reflection after all, how could I not reflect on all that's happened? Look ahead to the new year, without you my beautiful girl?
We know you are here in spirit. But we still miss you; the physical you & that won't ever change. New year or not. :(
But we lit a candle that night, knowing you were there with us. Acknowledging that you are always with us. We got the mozzarella sticks you love, along with all the other regular hors d'oeuvres (horseduvers :) we get; pizza bagel bites, shrimp cocktail, pigs in a blanket...
I was glad to have your sisters back, grateful to have Grandmom & Pop's company & that they were able to pick the girls up & drop them off. That the girls had a chance to spend time with your cousins. I'm sure you were there with them too.
******
Oh, my sweet Hailey.
My hope is for strength to go on. To find good ways to keep your memory alive. To make you proud.
We've looked into making a donation to the homeless shelter in Manassas, in your memory. It was the last project you worked on, before we left for Bolivia. It was a community service project, you & your group chose: homelessness. You worked on a poster board & pamphlets based on the research you & your group did. I still have the pamphlet. I've held on to it, so we could make the donations you suggested. We have bags of groceries in the trunk, but time ran out on us. Now we have to wait on a day when we're all off again at the same time (don't worry they're non perishables, they won't go bad ;)... I want your sisters to be there with me, when I drop them off. I want it to be meaningful.
Also, my mouse. I'm excited about another possible awareness project I've been reading about & researching for some months now. Today I spoke to the mom of another little girl, Reagan, who also passed due to DKA Type 1 Diabetes almost 2 years ago, from South Carolina. Her mom's been devoted to this project, working hard & with wonderful results.
All her hard work & dedication have come from the same place; her heart. We had a good long talk to day. We walk on the same exact path, my angel. And I know you are with her angel up there too.
She gave me some background information on the project, shared her experiences, & told me how to get started. She also offered help & asked that I contact her if I have any questions along the way...
Her last words to me were, " I love you. I don't know you, I've never met you, but I love you. Know that you are not alone."
I love her too my mouse.
And I love you.
I won't make any promises or resolutions for this new year except for this:
I promise to always try.
I will try to go on.
I will try to not only exist but to live & love.
Love with no fear.
No matter the path, no matter where it will lead me, you will always be with me.
See you in my dreams,
My beautiful angel.
Forever, your Mommy <3
Friday, January 1, 2016
Lessons
My beautiful girl,
This is what I wrote on my FB status yesterday. I meant every word, but we still missed you last night.
I wish for this to New Year to be a calm one, with room to heal.
I love you, so much.
Mommy
*****************
Woke up to the birds chirping outside my window, now the sun is out after 2 weeks of rain. This year was the worst year of my life but it's taught me so many things. What I choose to take from it I want to share with all of you...the ones that have seen me at my worst and lifted me up from the darkest place: I know there is something better waiting for us at the end of this life. We are destined for certain things & we make choices on others. But this isn't it, something more... awaits us...I know this because my baby's given me so many signs & because I can feel her spirit around me, specially today. This is what keeps us going. So just remember that no matter how dark it gets, look for the light...and don't forget to enjoy the sun after the rain. Wishing you all a healthy happy new year. Don't be afraid to love & live passionately...We are just visitors here, passing through. Love you all <3 <3 <3
This is what I wrote on my FB status yesterday. I meant every word, but we still missed you last night.
I wish for this to New Year to be a calm one, with room to heal.
I love you, so much.
Mommy
*****************
Woke up to the birds chirping outside my window, now the sun is out after 2 weeks of rain. This year was the worst year of my life but it's taught me so many things. What I choose to take from it I want to share with all of you...the ones that have seen me at my worst and lifted me up from the darkest place: I know there is something better waiting for us at the end of this life. We are destined for certain things & we make choices on others. But this isn't it, something more... awaits us...I know this because my baby's given me so many signs & because I can feel her spirit around me, specially today. This is what keeps us going. So just remember that no matter how dark it gets, look for the light...and don't forget to enjoy the sun after the rain. Wishing you all a healthy happy new year. Don't be afraid to love & live passionately...We are just visitors here, passing through. Love you all <3 <3 <3
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