New Year

We love & miss you sweet Hailey.

Wishing you a very Happy New Year. I know you are busy working your magic up in Heaven. The thought of it is the only thing that eases my heart...

The heart that will love you & miss you forever.

I hope that this New Year brings us some peace & joy- to all our loved ones too. May this New Year be better than the last.

Fly High baby girl, but tonight, I hope you are by our side. <3

Forever,
Your mommy
...

Happy Sorrow

Baby girl,

Christmas has passed & we are moving on to the new year. It seems like the beginning of each month, each season, & every year that passes I'm telling you the same, because I feel the same- that I can't believe how time flies. That I can't believe we survived yet another month, another season...another year without you.

But here we are baby girl. Somehow, we've made it. Somehow we survived.

I don't just want to just survive things though, my angel. I wish it were different. I wish grief wasn't so uncontrollable, so unpredictable & unavoidable. I hate it for those reasons.
...

Christmas was different this year.

I don't know how to explain it exactly. We went through the motions with the family, but it was seeing my sister at mass & spending the next day with just us, that I enjoyed the most.

Christmas mass

Although we don't go to church as often as we probably should, it still feels like a place of peace. Somewhere I can go & pray & feel like someone is actually listening. That you are actually listening...I always pray for the same.
...

We were blessed to be able to exchange nice gifts on Christmas morning. This was one of my favorites from Sissy:

So sweet. <3

There was another one too that really brought on the tears, but I haven't had a chance to take a picture yet...

There are just some things that are worth more than gold, baby girl. And this was one of them. It was so sweet & thoughtful of your sister. It really filled my heart up.
...

These little things, that include you, really make me smile. Remembering you & keeping you in our life in these little but big ways...really lift me up.

Buying Christmas gifts, even if they are just ornaments for you...buying gifts to your sisters on behalf of you....all these little new traditions that include you...

Christmas or even my life would not be complete without it.

Like described below- it's a "Happy Sorrow"

...

Maybe for now, that's as good as it will get.

And for now, I'll take it.

I love & miss you my sweet girl.

When I need to see your beautiful smile, which is often, I just picture you. It makes me smile too.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Love,
Mommy <3



<3

~

 

 

Christmas

My angel,

Tonight I'm feeling exhausted. The stress of the holidays & days of poor sleep has caught up to me. Today was supposed to be the day to relax, but of course that doesn't exist for most moms. Specially me...

So it won't be a long letter tonight, but just these words to let you know how much we missed you this Christmas. How I hope with every ounce of my being that you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven, by Jesus' side. I prayed to him at mass yesterday that he take care of you, until I see you again.

I love you & miss you with all my heart my beautiful girl. Every single day, but especially today, our third Christmas without you.

<3

Julian

Dear Mouse,

I haven't had time to write as much as I'd like, but I'm always thinking of you. This month has been busy of course, with birthdays, holidays, strings concert, baby shower & now even a birth.

Today baby Julian was born. :)

We got a chance to talk to Uncle Mikey & everything went smoothly, the baby is healthy & beautiful. We saw pictures just through the internet of course, but hopefully we get to meet him & see them soon.

He looks so cute, I know you'd be so excited. But somehow, I get the feeling that you've already met him & that you were there guarding them, like a true angel. <3
...

Christmas is just a few days away.

I think we're going to go to Papi's after all. I talked to him & he lectured me on the importance of being with family on Christmas & your sisters really want to go. They would of gone even if I stayed behind, but I know they really want Daddy & I there too. Daddy said whatever I wanted to do, he would do. It's good to have his support, to have him there holding my hand.

I think it will be very low-key this year. Some of the family is traveling & some will be missing. Sadly, I think Auntie will be one of them. :( But I know we will see her soon.
...

My heart has been at peace the last few days, baby girl. Somebody probably has been praying for me. Of maybe a few...for that I am thankful.

I don't take these days for granted. I try to make good use of them. I've also picked up a new hobby that helps with my stress:

Puzzleling:). Picked this up while Christmas shopping a few weeks ago.
It took me about a week in between work, cooking, cleaning & life...of
course it was the Haileyflies that attracted me.

It may be the hobby of a grandma, but like I told your sisters, it could be worse. This one is at least safe. :)

It does help though baby girl. Just like writing, drawing, coloring, watching a good movie or reading a good book. It helps to keep my mind busy & focused on other things...
...

I hope I can continue...to focus on other things. Better & more positive things.

You have to understand that my heart & mind never forget you my angel. And I don't want to forget you. That isn't my wish.

My only wish is to not have to feel this pain everyday. To get a break from it when I can. I know there will be days when it's beyond my control.

But for now, for today, I will go to bed with some peace in my heart. Focused on better days to come & looking forward to meeting your new little cousin. :)

I miss you my little girl. With every breath I take, until my last breath.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

~

 

 

Not over yet

Baby girl,

The other day we were at the mall & we stopped by your favorite kabob place to eat. The girl taking our order remembered us, it was the same one that used to take our order when you were here...

This is the first time we've seen her since. She even remembered our order, asking Bella if she wanted extra white sauce. She thought Bella thought was you...She asked, "You are the one that always wanted extra sauce, right? I remember." So I had to tell her.

Of course she was sorry to hear it. She still smiled & said she was glad to see us. I told her how we were glad to see her, how we looked for her a few times since & figured she left...

When we sat down to eat, we realized she gave us an extra sauce, for you.

I was so touched. Such a small gesture that spoke a hundred words.

You never wanted to share your sauce with your sisters,
so you would make me buy you your own. Yes, they would
charge for extra. But not this time, she gave it to us for free.

The nan bread was your absolute favorite. You could of just
had that to eat & you would be happy, with the sauce of
course. :)

...

I thought it was so sweet of her, I had to take a pic & write about it.

These little moments, these little gestures, even from complete strangers that knew you...

They mean so much.

She knew you. She remembered. <3
...

I'm feeling a little better today my angel. I got to see you at the gardens. I got to bake cookies with Bella. I'm trying not to overthink things...just one minute, one hour at a time, like in the beginning.

Here are the cookies we baked over the weekend. Your sisters are going to take them to school for their friends & we're going to bake some for the family too.

We baked chocolate, white chocolate, stars, Christmas tree & angel cookies. <3 Grandmom sent us her old cookie cutters & we used her recipes too. Just like her, they were baked with love for our loved ones. Starting new traditions, with you by our side.
...

I know you would of loved to bake with us too my mouse. Even though you weren't ever one for the kitchen ;) You had your favorite things that you'd like to make, but other than that you were never domestic. Cleaning, cooking, was not your thing. When I'd ask for help in the kitchen, you'd make a face. Unless it was baking, you & Bella would fight over who got to stir, pour & crack the eggs...

We always joked that when you got older you'd marry some rich schmuck & you'd have him wrapped around your little finger. We imagined you driving a cute red sports car, living in a big house with a maid & a cook & a huge walk-in closet filled with shoes & dresses. :)

Oh my mouse...we'll never know now.

But I know you were meant for more. We joke, but in my heart I know you would of been a teacher, possibly an art teacher because you loved art & children.

But it doesn't take from the life you had & how much meaning it had & it's meaning to us, the people who love you. And it's not over yet baby girl.

You continue to inspire & guide us.
You are part of us.
You continue to make waves...

It's not over yet.

We don't forget.
...

Love you baby girl. A lot is happening this week. I'll be an auntie again this Friday. I know you'll be guarding them. I'll pray tonight for them & the rest of my family & for ourselves...

To give us strength & wisdom. Love & protection.
..

I miss you.

I love you.

Forever & ever,
Mommy

Missing you

Dear Hailey,

Today was another tough day. I wish I had something better to write about, some good news maybe. But all I can write about is what consumes me right now- this relentless grief.

I'm tired babygirl.

I'm tired of crying, tired of feeling this pain...today I felt a physical kind of pain in my heart that I don't remember ever feeling. Maybe the pain of an actual broken heart- coming from the deepest part of me...

It just hurts. I just miss you. There are no words to describe it.
...

The pressure of the holidays, birthdays, & now Christmas has gotten to me. The family is asking about our plans & I have no answer to give them. I don't want to make any plans because I don't want to make any promises & then have to break them. I see & feel the disappointment in their faces.

I was hoping to escape it altogether & go see Uncle Mikey & meet the new baby, but things didn't work out & it looks like we'll have to wait a little while longer...

My mom, my dad, my sis, my brother...I worry about them all. Just feeling overwhelmed. I know they are used to seeing me strong, but sometimes I just can't wear this mask. Sometimes I just need to take it off & grieve. I know they wish it were different, I do too.

It's like this article one of the moms in my group posted:

It's not the life we chose:

Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2016/09/03/grief-and-holidayswhat-the-bereaved-need-from-friends-and-family/

It's so true...

I shared this on FB, in hopes my family would read it & try to understand.
...

One good thing that cheered me up today was Bella. It was just me & her today because Sissy & Daddy had to work. She made me feel better like she always does. She said to me: "Don't worry Mommy, I'm always here for you. You can cry, you don't have to wear your mask around me."

She have me a hug & literally gave me her shoulder to cry on because she's gotten so tall now. <3

We hung out at home all day & watched movies while she did her homework & practiced her violin. We also baked cookies. Stars, Christmas trees & angel sugar cookies. I'll show you the pictures later...but I know you were there with us.

Your sister not only has a sweetness that reminds me of you, she also has your smile. The other day we went to Papi's to celebrate Valeria's birthday & Ayde sent me a pic of Bella she took, she said it was a nice pic of her. I agree. I see so much of you in her...

I'm not the only one that thinks so. Even FB always tags
you automatically when I post a picture of her. It never fails.
 

I love my sweet girl. <3
...

I'm trying so hard to be grateful for everything baby girl. I'm trying hard to continue living this life without you. I know you are in a better place. I know that I have much to live for...I know all these things. Yet knowing these things don't matter to my heart some days. Some days, nothing else matters.

Our minds & our hearts aren't as connected as we'd like to think. :(

How I felt today. :(

...

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm going to check on your tree.

I love you my mouse.

I miss you so much.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

Memories

Funny moments from FB- yes your mom put everything
on Facebook. I'm now glad I did. I can hear you saying this
in your voice & see your expression & it makes me laugh.

They still suck baby girl, and I still love them.



A text from Daddy the other day that made me smile.
He went to see you at the gardens & saw that your
kindness rocks I placed around your tree helped it
from falling down. It made me smile & it also made
me tear up. I love you baby girl.



~

Found at Hallmark. Grandmom got you one for your other tree & I had
to get one for ours, while looking we found Sissy's & Bella's. <3

Our Christmas angel.

We added a few things since this pic. Would add more if we could.

Everything but the making cookies...making them
are making memories too.

Your light

Mouse,

We got our first snowfall of the year. They're not predicting a lot of snow this year, but who knows...seems like it's starting early instead. You sisters weren't as excited because it snowed on the weekend instead of a school day, & of course most of it's melted already...

Rocky was so excited he kept jumping on Bella.

Rocky is definitely a snow dog.

...

The month is moving along baby girl.

This week is Daddy's birthday. Too bad he has to work on his b-day but we're going to celebrate on his day off. We're not doing anything big this year, just treat him to a nice streak dinner. I know you will be there too.

I never mentioned it, but I know you already know, that last month was 2 years for Daddy. It's a big deal. We're proud of him. I know you're cheering for him from Heaven. We are too.

I wish I could say that it's been easy & that he doesn't still struggle with it everyday. Or that it's gotten easier over time...it hasn't. Some days are worse than others. Daddy doesn't talk much, but I can usually tell on his face. If he's had an especially hard day at work, the ongoing issues with his car & other problems...

But he's still fighting, & we are too right by his side. We support him here & he goes to his support group every week on his day off, that helps a lot too. It's hard baby girl. Temptation is everywhere...baseball & football games, parties, concerts, almost at every event & occasion...

There's some things we just can't do anymore, places we can't go & people we just can't hang out with. It's sad, but that is the sacrifice we have to make. But it's worth it, to have Daddy healthy. It's worth it.

Just like with grief...we deal with things day by day.

So nothing crazy on his bday, just his favorite- steak. I know you will continue to cheer Daddy on, & so will we baby girl.<3
...

Today is the annual worldwide candle lighting ceremony in memory of our babies with Compassionate Friends. We're not supposed to light them until 7 pm tonight, but we've had ours lit since breakfast- just like we do every Sunday at breakfast; the only day we're all home at the same time & able to eat a meal together.

I also decided to write you at this time instead...

Just like I told you when I lit the candle, at the gardens & now...

Not a day goes by baby girl...

Each minute of every day...

We love & miss you so much.

Our candle is lit & I hope you can see. I hope you can feel the love. With the rest of the angels.

I know the world is shining brighter tonight, not only from our candles, but from the love that radiates to you & the love that radiates back.

Your light will always shine bright my angel. We will never forget.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy <3