Not Spring yet

Babygirl,

With your sisters on Spring Break, I find myself feeling more tired & worn out. You’d think it would be the other around, having them home to help me with Rocky etc, but it’s ok. Maybe it’s because Bella’s been sick or that we’ve been Spring cleaning...

I just hope that by the time your cousins visit this weekend she’s feeling better & all the things on our “to do” list get done.

It still doesn’t feel like Spring yet baby girl, other then our allergies kicking in. It’s still cold, windy & even rainy today. I can’t wait until it warms up. I long for some sun on my face...

Well my sweet girl, I have to get to bed early for work tomorrow...I just wanted to tell you how much I love & miss you before I go to sleep. Even though I tell you every night in my prayers, it just doesn’t seem enough.

I love you. And I miss you. Your laugh, your smile, your everything.

Goodnight my sweet angel.

Hope to see you in my dreams.

Love,
Mommy <3

Stick up for what you believe in

My dear Hailey,

Tomorrow Sissy & Auntie are going to the March For Our Lives march. I'm writing because I'm a little worried about them- about their safety.

I know I shouldn't worry. I know that would be "jinxing it". I know that we can't live our lives in fear etc etc... I know all this & I usually don't worry, I've never been that kind of person. But lately things have been so crazy baby girl. Seems like the world has gone mad...

We were all supposed to go, but then Bella woke up sick this morning. She stayed home from school & it seems like it's going to be more than a 24 hr cold. I was hesitant from the beginning, then when they both said they wanted to go, then I had to go. I was going to be there too in case something were to happen... :(

Oh baby girl. Maybe that is the point of this March. That you don't ever think things like what happened at that school will happen to you- until it does & then it changes everything. It turns your whole life upside down, everything you thought you ever knew, your view of yourself & the rest of the world...even your reason for living changes...

Then your mission becomes to try & save others from the same misery. To make others see, to make them listen, to try & make a change for a better tomorrow...

Just like what happened to us.

In my eyes, that's all these kids are trying to do. Make a change for a better tomorrow. People can agree & disagree on whether it's the right way or the wrong way, but at the end of the day, that's all they are trying to do.

So although I'm worried, I'm proud of Sissy & Auntie for making a stand. I wish we could join them.

I put this on Sissy's wall just now:

In the caption I said:  just wanted to leave this here for you. Part of your sister Hailey's bio from Instagram if you remember...it just reminded me of tomorrow & wanted to remind you too, that she’s proud of you & will be by your side. Love you 💜

I asked God to watch over them & I know you will be by their side too my angel. <3

I love you so much.

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Forever,
Your mommy

Snowday/Wrinkle in Time

My sweet girl,

Your sisters finally got their wish- our first significant snowfall in all of winter, at the official start of Spring. A real snow day.

It was a snow day for all us (even though I still had to work, but luckily didn't have to leave the house), including Daddy who had the day off anyway. He was up early, went to a meeting & apparently went to see you too.

<3

I saw his post on FB while I was working & immediately tears started to run down my face...we all miss you everyday my mouse, but some days are harder than others. He's right too- I know you would of loved today, a snow day, just like your sisters...
...

When he got back, to our surprise, he announced this morning that he would take Bella & the kids at Papi's to go sledding. That he did & they were gone for a long time too. I imagined you with them, running up & sledding down the hills, screaming with fun & laughter...

Sissy & I stayed back to start on dinner & walk Rocky who was loving the snow. He definitely is a snow dog. Maybe he used to be a huskie in his former life. ;)
...

Later we went to see Wrinkle In Time. Bella read the book so she was so excited, even more when it was over because she said it was almost as good as the book. :)

This is my favorite line from the movie:

"The wound is the place where the light enters you." - Rumi

There's so much truth in those words, my angel.

The only way I could explain it is using today as an example.

Feeling that wound; that hurt & emptiness of losing & missing you. The old wounds of past; feeling dread on Daddy's days off because of his disease...how it would thrive on his weakness.

With hope, faith & love & hard hard work....light begins to enter from those wounds. It's not that the wound goes away, because they will always be there, it's that we can appreciate better days like today, because of those wounds.

A simple snow day
The silence & stillness of the day
No hustle & bustle
The togetherness
Daddy going to an AA meeting
Visiting you
Wiping the snow off your beautiful plaque
A gesture of love
Sledding and snow angels
Red cheeks
The warmth of our home
The smell of dinner baking in the oven
Cozy kitchen
Snuggles with Rocky
Movie night
The togetherness
No outside world
Missing you
Feeling you sit right next to me
Always, right next to me

I love you my angel.

Forever & ever,
Mommy <3

~

Natalia's bday

My dear mouse,

Today we celebrated Natalia's bday. She turned 10. Your same age. I looked at her as she blew out her candles & tried to imagine you sitting beside her. She looked so little next to you. In my mind, my memory...you were so much taller, looked so much older. Your features, more formed into a young lady, where she still looked like a little girl. Yet, you are both the same age.

In spirit, you were just a little girl too. There are some things about her that remind me of you. Her love for art, her sweetness & even her craziness too. :)

She loved you so much baby girl, she loves you still. Just like Dylan, she gets sad when we talk about you...it's only because they miss you.

Oh my mouse. I miss you too. I missed you today....I wish you were out there playing volleyball & soccer with us, enjoying the sunshine with us, the first nice day we've had in such a long time.

I wish you were falling, rolling around in the grass, cracking up laughing & screaming every time the ball got close to you- or kicking it as hard as you could, just like the like the rest of the girls...& Ricky too.

I remembered how you'd carry little Natalia around on your waist when she was just a baby. Doing the math, you weren't even 4 yet when she was born. You were younger than Valeria is now...toting around a baby in your arms, almost as heavy as you. :) Those memories always make me smile; you & your love for babies.
...

It was a much quieter party than last week. No Uncle Mikey or Auntie. Auntie was sick. I'm worried about her health, it seems like she's getting sick a lot lately. :( If you can my angel, please put a word in for her to the big man upstairs. <3
...

After this week, your sisters are on Spring Break. We don't have any big plans, other than your cousins' from Jersey visiting at the end of next week. Their Spring Break starts when ours ends, so they're coming down for that one weekend in between; Easter weekend.

At least it will give us something to look forward to baby girl.

I'm also just looking forward to Spring. We're supposed to get snow that your sisters are excited about in a few days...but not me. I miss my Haileyflies.<3

I love you my sweet girl. My baby whisperer.

All the babies you held here remember you. Did you hear Valeria come up to me a couple weeks ago, when I was over at Papi's making spaghetti, just a couple days after they moved in?

She came up to me with a mad face & said, "Vanessa, Ricky says I don't remember Hailey but I do." I said, "Of course you do, I know you do." Then I went on telling her stories about how you would change her diaper, feed her, play with her...she smiled, looking up as if trying to remember it all & said, "I don't remember when I was a baby, but I remember Hailey." I said, "And you always will, because she loved you so much." So I kept telling her stories, "If Hailey were here stories"- like, "If Hailey were here, she would still be holding you".

When we sat on the table to eat I said, "If Hailey were here, you would be sitting on her lap right now & she would be feeding you." She kept smiling, wanting to hear more...

It made my day for her to come up to me & say that. I know that kids grieve differently too. Whether they get sad or happy to talk about you, it doesn't matter baby girl. It's ok. At least they remember. To me, that's more important.

We are not alone, at least we have each other.

Hopefully that is enough to get through. But always, not matter what, we will always love & remember you.

Goodnight my mouse.

I know you must be busy up there too, toting all those angel babies around. You must be so happy being surrounded by so many beautiful faces. I could only imagine, & I often do. It makes me smile & if it's even possible, love you even more.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Messages from the universe

Baby girl,

A couple of weeks ago, I got a random message on your page from a mom who's daughter created this video for a school project:

https://www.facebook.com/lyssabuggy/videos/10214249153974629/

 

It made me so happy.

She said how her 10 year old daughter (your age) was touched by your story, Kycie’s & Reegan’s.  How she wanted to create a special awareness video & sorry that she didn’t ask permission to begin with & that if I wanted to remove you or change something to just let her know.

I responded to her message, letting her know how wonderful the video is & to thank her for including our story. I told her how out of all the awareness videos I've seen, this one is the most touching & most accurate- of course because you're in it, but also because it’s informative & it touches the heart.

I shared it on your page & it was shared almost 400 times in all....

I then got a response back from the mom saying how happy my comments made her daughter, how she felt like one of her favorite people she follows on Instagram “likes” her post. She felt “like a celebrity.” :)

So sweet. What an extraordinary girl.

It really lifted my spirits baby girl. It also reminded me not to give up.

A reminder that your life is making a difference in others. <3

And those last words- “We won’t let your death go unnoticed.”...

These are the words that I try to live by everyday.

Because it’s true my angel. We won’t let you be forgotten. You were too special & still are. You were meant for something greater. I know that know. It still hurts, but I believe it...I’m trying to accept it. These messages from the universe, they help me remember that it’s true.

Even though I’d rather have you back...to know that it wasn’t for nothing...it just eases my heart. In between the tears of watching the video, it also made me smile.

I love & miss you.

With every single breath. <3

Forever & ever,
Your mommy



A dream

My Dear Hailey,

The day of Papi's party, I heard him say, "I feel like I'm having a dream. And I don't want to wake up."

It made us happy to see him happy & hear him say those words. Even with some minor snags along the way, everything worked out. I guess we just have to have more faith sometimes, that in the end, things will work out as they should.
...

As I'm sure you know, it turned out that Uncle Mikey was able to come with Auntie Zuli & the boys. That was the best part of all- the best gift for Papi & the rest of us too. His face & reaction was priceless. It was worth it all. It was the best surprise, the surprise of all surprises. :)

He was definitely shocked at first, but once he saw Mikey it turned into happiness. I wonder sometimes, if Uncle Mikey realizes how much he's missed. I don't think he does. I don't think we get a chance to tell him often enough. Which makes moments like these more special.

As I was looking around the room, I noticed how much everything changes baby girl. All the kids keep growing- all the boys especially are so tall! The older "kids" not so much kids anymore. The new additions, Mia & Julian. <3 The older family members, my grandma, uncles & aunts & Papi- getting older too.

I captured the moment in my mind & absorbed it in for that moment; like a photograph. All of us there, celebrating, laughing, eating, having a good time. For a brief moment, all the old worries & grudges forgotten.

It was nice to have everyone together. I couldn't help but think- absorb the moment, because who knows what changes will come. "They" say nothing lasts forever. We've learned that lesson first-hand. But instead of worrying about the future- I've learned to live in the present.

I did baby girl. For that day at least, I tried not to think beyond that moment. A special day, with our family, celebrating a very special person. That's all I wanted, at least for that one day.
...

Your sisters made a comment to me earlier when we picked up the food for the party- something to the effect of "Wow Mommy I can't believe you're doing all this & spending all this for the party."....

I had to tell them that it's not about that for me. That for one, I'm blessed to be in the position where I'm able to. But that for my dad, I would much more.

As we were waiting for them to check us out, I told them how much Papi sacrificed for us. How he used to work up to 3 jobs at once, just to put food on the table. How he'd come home late & tired, with his feet swollen from standing so many hours....

How sometimes we'd massage his feet for him. How we would stay up to see him even for at least 5 minutes each night before bed, how even being as tired as he was, he'd stop by 7-11 on the way home & bring us candy bars...

So many memories my mouse. I could on. Most of my life, he's the one that's always been there. It's not that we had the perfect life or that he was perfect, because none of us are....but he's just a great Dad; a great person; just like he was a great grandpa to you & the girls...<3

I've learned since you passed, that we only have one life. And it's now, while we are still here living in this world...before we go to the next...that we have to let our loved ones know how much we love them.

Not after, when it's too late.
...

So that's pretty much it baby girl.

Our mission accomplished; at least for one day.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. With our extended family, there are still things that need to be worked out. Things that are broken that need to be repaired, I'm not too sure if that's even possible. Maybe the damage has been done & there's no going back. I don't know.

But I'm glad that at least for that day, we were able to put everything aside. For my dad at least. I think that made him happy too. It was worth it to make him smile.

Because we don't know what will happen tomorrow...
...

I don't know why but I've been feeling uneasy lately, like a premonition of something bad to come. I'm trying to ignore it & focus more on the positive, because I believe there's such things as attracting negative energy...

But I've been unable to shake it off.

I hope I'm wrong. Maybe it's knowing that your anniversary is coming...I don't know my angel.

But I will pray.

I won't worry. I will try & remember this great weekend...
...

I love & miss you with all my heart.

We all do.

We got a chance to visit you at the gardens with Uncle Mikey & fam. They asked to see you before they left...

Dylan mentioned how he found a purple bracelet on the way to church. How he never takes yours off- the "In Memory of Hailey" one. How he's been trying to collect more purple bracelets. <3

Auntie Zuli sat down & placed baby Julian on her lap & then Joshua. Joshua kept saying, "I miss her." <3

We all agreed that if you had been here, you wouldn't of let us hold the baby. That you are probably up there choosing all the babies for everyone. :)

Uncle Mikey said. "I can't believe it's almost been 3 years." & I could see the sadness in his eyes. All I could say...is "I can't believe it either."

Like Papi said baby girl- sometimes it feels like a dream.

Sometimes a nightmare. I think that's life in a nutshell. Sometimes it's so good you don't want to wake up. Sometimes it's so bad, you wish you could wake up & have it be just that- a dream.

Maybe regardless, it's all just one big dream anyway. Maybe when we really wake up, we'll all be where you are now...

We'll all be together. And that's when our real life will start...a better one.

That's the best dream of all.

Speaking of dreams, it's been a while since I saw you in mine. I miss your hugs.

If you get a chance..

I love you my angel,
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

<3

Blessed

My sweet girl,

This weekend could of only been more perfect if you were here with us physically & even though I know in my heart you are with us in spirit, it still stings.

I'm left wondering how one heart could hold so much happiness & heart ache all at once.

There's so much to tell baby girl.

But the lack of sleep these last few days, has caught up to me. The stress, anxiousness, excitement & nervousness (your mom is a perfectionist as you know) has finally worn off & I'm feeling tired...but I'm left with a heart fuller than it's been in a long time.

All in all, we had a wonderful time & Papi's surprise party was a success. :)

I can't help but feel that you & God had something to do with that, because I feel really blessed. Blessed that we are still able to make memories. Blessed that our family was together again. Blessed that we were able to celebrate my Dad.

Just feeling blessed & thankful baby girl.

But like always, we miss you. And we love you so much.

I know that all that I'm feeling tonight will last me a while. I will grasp on to it as long as I can. Another memory to last until the end of my days.

Until I see you again.

My beautiful girl.
Sweet dreams,
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Staying busy

My beautiful girl,

I thought only a few days passed since I last wrote & it turns out it’s been a week! :(

As you probably can see, I’ve been busy helping Papi move, unpack & clean up back & forth from the old house to the new. He doesn’t know, but I’ve been trying to help as much as possible in hopes we can still celebrate his birthday coming up at the new house. But I’m not sure it’ll be ready in time.

They haven’t moved in over 10 years & have accumulated so much stuff & they still have more at the old house they’re trying to get rid of...

Tio offered his house as a second choice to have the party, but I’m hoping we can still pull it off at Papi’s new house. I just think it would be nice to have it there. New memories in a new place.

I’m getting excited because Uncle Mikey is supposed to be coming up for the party. :) We all wished the whole family could come & Papi could meet the new baby, but after Auntie’s Abuelo passed, they just have too much going on & a lot to worry about. I know it’s not easy.
...

I’ve been also working on the slideshow that’s coming together nicely. I’m going to go through a few more boxes of pics tomorrow since I already looked through all the albums & then Sissy is going to just edit it & add a few things to it, hopefully we can finish it tomorrow & then go to Papi’s to test it while he’s at work. We’re going to try & play it on his big screen TV.

We still have to work on a food, drink & decorations list. Auntie will help me with that...I’m not sure what the weather’s going to do yet. First they said rain, now just cloudy. I guess we’ll see baby girl. I’m sure everything will work out. Papi asked Ayde not to plan on any kind of surprises for him, I had to laugh. I said too bad, he’s getting one anyway. It’s a good thing he doesn’t read these letters. ;)
...

Just staying busy my mouse. But still missing you immensely.

We all do.

Last night we had tea at Papi’s for the first time at the new house & somehow we got to talking about the random voicemail I got a couple months back that sounded like your voice saying “ Hi mom.” I told them the whole story & then played them the voicemail...

They agreed it sounded like you & they had tears in their eyes. I told them I don’t like to think about it too much because your voice sounded so sad. They agreed it did too. :(

We drove home last night thinking about it & it made us sad too. It never leaves us, the sadness. But moments like last night, we can’t suppress it & it rises from the bottom all the way up passed our hearts, our throats & up to our heads. Making it hard to breathe, swallow & the tears they flow....& hearts just ache.

I told Sissy that I hoped you aren’t really sad. She said she hopes not either. More than anything, that would break us. :(

I always try & think of the signs you send us & remember their meaning. Always happy signs, not sad. I was thinking about all this last night & this morning & even during work when I get a text from Sissy:

I had to put myself on break because I just burst into tears my angel. It made me smile, but it also made me cry.

And I felt so much better afterwards. God is good. And I know deep down you are with Him. And like I told you last night in my prayers baby girl;

It’s ok to be sad. Because we are sad too. But just remember how much we love you. With every ounce of our being. And remember that we’ll see each other again my angel, but in the meantime we carry you in our hearts, everywhere we go. We don't exist without you. And I promise to try & not be sad if you will, ok?
...

I miss & love you.

Forever,
Your mommy <3