Cords of light/More signs

My angel,

It's late Sunday night & I need to write to you. Too many days have gone by, too many things on my mind & tomorrow is Memorial Day...

I just got off work believe it or not. Trying to pick up extra hours when I can, because it looks like we might be moving after all. Nothing has been made official yet, hopefully we'll know something this week for sure. It's a long process...

But if everything goes well, we could be ready to move as soon as a couple weeks. Like I mentioned in my last letter, we have mixed feelings, but overall they are good.

I feel that if it wasn't meant to be it won't happen. Again, always looking for signs. And so far, they all have been good. <3
...

It means change. Many things will be changing, but hopefully for the better.

Daddy has been excited & positive about this whole thing (not in the very beginning, but now yes) & it's started to rub off on me. It's actually pretty amazing my mouse- to see him this way.

I can remember a time when Daddy's disease took over & nothing really made him happy. Everyday & everything was centered around his illness.

And to hear him now talk about the new place to Grandmom & Uncle Chris, sounding happy & excited...

The other night as we talked again, about how hard it would be for me to pack your room, he told me he had already talked to you about it. He said he went to see you at the gardens to clean off your plaque since they had just mowed the lawn. He said he told you how we were taking you with us. That no matter what, no matter where we go, we will always bring you with us.

It's true my angel. Wherever we go, you will go too. <3
...

So we've been busy already going through some things. My first big project was the garage & I'm almost done. Sissy was with me today, organizing & purging. Made a visit to Goodwill & the used bookstore to donate & sell them a few books of hers...it's going to be a long process, but since we have until the end of July, we're going to do a little at a time. No hurry.
...

Yesterday was the first day the pool opened & sure enough a memory popped up on FB of you & Bella all dressed up in your swim gear, ready for the pool. <3

I may have shared this before, but I'll share it again. Always so stylish my
mouse, even for the pool. :)

It made me miss you so much baby girl.

I picked up Daniella & Natalia so your sister wouldn't feel the sting of it too. She was so excited to be the first ones in- I'm so thankful your sister is still a kid at heart. She still gets so excited about these things & since I know it won't last forever, I'm enjoying & every bit of it while it lasts.

Or maybe like you, she'll be a mermaid forever. :) <3
...

While they were swimming, I was reading a book I ordered online a couple months ago: The Light Between Us by Laura Lynne Jackson. It was recommended by Aiden's mom, so I knew it would be good.

It's an autobiography written about her life- as a medium. I know, another medium. But this is one of those books, just like those in past, along with movies, songs etc that have crossed my path, I believe; not by accident, my angel.

She even says it herself in the beginning: "it's not an accident or a coincidence that this book came into your possession. You were meant to read it."

So here I was at the pool, feeling sad thinking of you; missing you. After thinking of you all week...after seeing the medium the weekend before & waiting for a sign that said, "Mommy, I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come through, but I'm here. I'm ok. I'm still here..."

When after a few pages of reading, I turn to this:

:(

Big fat tears started pouring out of my face baby girl. I'm sure you saw...

I was wearing glasses & a hat, yet I knew the tears were streaming down my face so hard it was noticeable. So I turned away from the girls- who just then decided to sit next to me & take a break.

As I turned my head away from them- I saw it & my eyes followed it. A beautiful yellow monarch butterfly flutter all the way down from the roof of the pool-house to underneath our umbrella & then flew away.

Like a quick stop, just to say hello.

The girls saw it too, except Daniella was paying more attention to my face I think, noticing my tears.

So I wiped my face & smiled. My heart smiled too.

I later told Bella & Sissy. Sissy asked, "was her name spelled the same way?" So I showed her how it was & read her the part...

She said, "Mommy, that message was to you from Hailey." I said, "I know honey. I know." and smiled a smile that came from the bottom of my soul my angel. <3
...

These signs give me air to breathe again baby girl.

It's the only way I can really explain it.

Just like the medium explains, that after the reading, Hailey's mom sent her a letter with an angel figurine- writing to her that the reading saved her life. That her daughter saved her life. Because after the reading, she realized that not only is her daughter was always with her, but that there was nothing she could have done differently.

Her only job was to love her unconditionally, which she did. Knowing this, allowed her to live again...even if still somewhat broken; at least not completely crushed.
...

It's true Hailey. You & God saved my life too. With these signs, with this knowledge. Otherwise, I'd never be able to go on.

Thank you both. I'm so thankful.

I love you my sweet angel.

So much. With every cell. Always unconditionally.

Forever & forever,
Your mommy

<3

Soul contracts

My beautiful girl,

Even though we didn’t get our reading Sunday, I’m not devastatingly disappointed. A little, yes of course. I have to admit. But I have to believe that if there was anyway you could have connected with the medium that night, you would have.

We did witness many readings, many ‘connections’ though throughout the night & it was nothing short of amazing. Who would of thought or even believed it unless you saw & heard it with your own eyes...

Alina & I wondered why we weren’t lucky enough to have heard from you...:( but we weren’t the only ones. One of the reasons may have been that there were too many people. It wouldn’t of been possible for everyone in the room to get a reading unless we were there there all night. Out of maybe 200 people...only about 15 were lucky enough.

There were mostly dads & husbands that came through. Monica the medium said possibly because it was nearing Father’s Day.

But she was on point with everyone baby girl. As Auntie Alina said, she was “the real deal.” Such specific details, down to numbers & names. It really was amazing. Information she couldn’t of possibly guessed. So many heartbreaking stories, so many tears about the room.

It definitely made me realize we are not alone in our grief. :(
...

There are many things I took home with me that night my angel. Monica said we would. She said we weren’t all going to be able to connect, but often the messages are “piggybacked”; coming from more than just one spirit; meant for more than just one person.

I could tell you details of each reading but I’m sure you already know...

I just want to remember the messages from the ones that really touched me. The ones I want to keep locked in my heart & mind:


1. We all have a “soul contract” here on Earth, that’s written even before we’re born. In this contract, it’s already decided who our family & loved ones will be, our purpose in life & how long we’ll remain. When it’s our time, it’s our time & nothing can change that. So there’s no use in feeling guilty thinking about “if only I did this or I should of never done that...”

Nothing could of changed the outcome. One way or another, it was going to happen. :*(

The same thing the other medium last year said.

So there is no use in torturing myself with guilt or pointing the finger of whose to blame. It was your time. :(
...

2. That our time here, no matter how long or how short is precious. The time we had with you, even though we may feel was not long enough, was precious. And we should remember those precious memories, hold them close & be thankful for them. Learn from them & use them for good; now for our own purpose here.

3. That’s it’s not my time yet. That although maybe sometimes I want to give up, I want to see you again so badly I can’t bear to wait, I have to remember; not yet. I have not completed my purpose yet. But after I do, I will definitely see you again. Then we’ll be together for all eternity. <3

4. We are the best versions of ourselves on the other side. That’s the definition of heaven. There is no hell. No matter what struggles or ailments we had here on Earth, all of that is gone. You are healthy & happy. So I shouldn’t worry if you’re ok or not, because you are. We even get to keep our own personality; whether funny or sarcastic...but always the best version.

5. You want us to be & see us happy. You want us to move forward & are cheering us on every step of the way. That we shouldn’t feel sad remembering the good times, that’s it’s ok to even recreate the good times & smile remembering.

6. You’re always there. You try & let us know, specially when we need it the most, by sending signs. The signs are different according to the person. Dreams are the hardest because it requires a lot of energy, & if we haven’t had a dream yet, don’t worry we will ( I’m so thankful for all of mine.) So we shouldn’t be sad about moments you’ve missed or future events that you’ll miss; because you really won’t...because you’ll always be there. <3
...

These are the most important things I took from that night babygirl. So you might see why I wasn’t so heartbroken. These are special & meaningful. Even though we weren’t able to ‘connect’, in my heart we are always connected. I felt as though it was all meant for us to hear. Like she said, there was a reason we were there that night.

I thought about all the stories & the messages ever since. I felt an ease in my heart after I was able to process them all.

Like a small blanket of peace was placed over my burning heart... the flames now slower, dimmer. Still some reminants of smoke & ash, but still beating just the same.

With a new sliver of hope shining through the breaking of the clouds...

I see now. My purpose.

My main one; to be a mommy. Amoung others...& I’m not done yet. But when I am, I will see you again & I cannot wait. <3

Forever all eternity,
Your mommy

But my heart will always miss you. 

Nanny’s card & Aunt T

Mouse,

Nanny’s sister, Aunt Tang passed away last month. :(

The pic above is what Bella wrote on her card.  I happened to glance at it right before mailing it & was so touched by her sweet words. Notice how she signs for you & her, even ‘dots’ her I’s with a heart just like you would...<3

I’m constantly amazed by her & so proud...and sad too that she knows this pain.
...

Nanny was so touched too, she called Bella on her cell & they talked for a while. I hope that Nanny is ok. Even though Aunt Tang was in her 90’s & she lived a full life, it doesn’t make it any easier. A sister is a sister... :(

We never met her, but just like Bella said I’m sure you both have met & are looking out for the family. Nanny is in her 90’s too & the last of her siblings left. She sounded really really tired last time we spoke...

Oh my mouse. There’s so much to catch up on. I keep these pictures on my phone as reminders, just like I keep these letters as reminders...

About life, the lessons we learn, about our journey.

Nanny said in the last week her sister was alive she was sick & in & out of consciousness; she started talking to family members that passed away years & years ago. Specifically a cousin she was very close to that passed away when they were young...

Nanny was told by the family down in Texas, who were in the same room with her, that Aunt T was talking to her- the cousin & other deceased family members like they were sitting right there in front of her, right there in the same room!

I told Nanny that I heard & read before about how the spirits of our loved ones come near when ‘our time’ is near...

How I read an article from a prominent doctor who worked closely with hospice patients for years & tried to explain away this phenomenon with science...with what was taught to her in medical books; hallucinations, delusions etc.

But eventually she said, she was convinced that it was more than that. She became so fascinated with it, she began taking notes & documenting...

After years of studying her patients, she came to the conclusion that they were not in fact hallucinating. She really believes that the spirits on the other side, are able to cross over when we are near death & guide us when it’s time.
...

I told Nanny how I wish so much that it’s true. <3

She said, me too.
...

I love you baby girl. So much.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Flashbacks, mediums & crazy lady

My beautiful girl,

Tonight was Bella's last strings concert before school ends. I saw Kylie's mom enter the gymnasium, with a little cute brown haired boy by her side & I had a sudden flashback of you holding her baby, when you used to go play at their house.

Sure enough she sat by us & I asked her, if that was him, she said yes. He's 4 now. I forgot to ask her his name, but I heard her call him Christopher.

When you & Kylie became friends, I remember you would ask me so excitedly, to play at their house after school, "Mommy, can I pleeeease go to Kylie's house. I want to play with her baby brother. He's so cute!"

When you'd come back, I'd ask, "So what did you do the whole time?" "I held her baby brother & played with him. He's so cute." I'd ask again, "The whole entire time?" "Yes" you would respond, with a smile.

Once I remember I went to pick you up from her house & there you were, carting that little boy around on your hip like he was yours. Of course I wasn't surprised. I remember he had blondish hair then. Now he'll be starting kindergarten next year her mom says...

She remembered too my mouse. She smiled & said how she thinks of us often. Asked us how we are.

It was nice to see her again. I didn't see Kylie but I see her in the neighborhood from time to time. I smile at her, but we don't talk. I think she's shy or maybe doesn't know what to say. I understand.
...

Having this little flashback almost brought me to tears in the middle of Bella's concert. Like a crazy person, I had a sudden urge to grab Christopher & give him a big squeeze.... :*(

Oh how my heart still aches my mouse.

My little baby lover. <3
...

How I wish you were here for me to give you a big squeeze. To share all these moments, these new memories with us.

I know deep down inside you are still a part of us & that you are here in your own way. I have to remember this...

As you know because I told you at the gardens, this Sunday Alina & I are going to be part of a group session with a medium.

I believe her name is Melanie. This is the same one she went to see last year after her birthday party- the same one that not only mentioned her birthday but said your name.

Auntie Alina has been trying to get me to go the past 2 years & I think I was just scared at first, of hearing something that might do more damage than good...scared that she might be fake or that I would hear something I didn't want to hear...I don't know my angel.

But Alina took her time in researching mediums to find the right one, then after she told me what happened last year, I agreed to go with her this time.

I'm looking forward to it, but I won't get my hopes up, just in case. I won't have any expectations. I will trust in my faith, in believing that if there was anyway of you reaching out, sending messages or signs, you will- through the help of God....just like you have done in the past through our Haileyflies, rainbows & other signs. <3

Which by the way, I saw my first Haileyfly up close yesterday when I was grilling at papi's. :)

Beautiful orange monarch that fluttered by the back yard long enough for me to notice it. I think there was too much smoke coming from the grill for it to stick around...

Also we had a real bad rainstorm that came through Monday & afterwards the sky was real orange, then pink, then purple...I knew there was a rainbow somewhere but we couldn't see it from where we were...

I insisted to Sissy that I knew that a rainbow was near. I even went outside barefoot while it was still lightly raining to look, but it was too dark to tell. I'm sure your sister was thinking, "My mom is a crazy lady." She had the look of thinking it, but not wanting to say it.

But sure enough the next day, there were pictures of a beautiful double rainbow posted all over Facebook.
...

I guess I am a crazy lady, my mouse. For searching for Haileyflies & rainbows. For wanting to squeeze little boys...for paying to go see a stranger in hopes she can relay a message from you- from the other side.

But it's more like... I just miss you.

So much that I search for anything that's connected to you.

Any little thing that may lead me towards you. Even though I know I probably don't need to reach far...
...

I love you Hailey.

So much baby girl. Everyday.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

The geese and their babies crossing the road yesterday.
Every time I see them I think of you, how’d you shriek in excitement,
“Oh mommy look! They’re so cute!” It makes me smile. 

Searching for “indeed jobs” and your
name showed up. Google must know. <3

It's okay

My mouse,

Sissy agreed to watch the kids and spend the night with them at Papi's so I could get a break- a mini pre-Mother's day gift. I could use it, I'm definitely worn out. It's sweet of her.

She also said, "Mommy, go ahead and sleep in tomorrow. Even if you wake up early, don't get out of bed. Try & sleep in." (I have a feeling she's going to try & get the kids up early to come over & make breakfast. Hope I'm not waiting til lunchtime. :) <3
...

I'm glad, because it will give me some time with you baby girl. Me, my thoughts, my tears, & you. After breakfast, I'll go see you too. I'll change your birthday flowers & I'll talk to you. Everything I write to you about, I also talk to you about at the gardens. Some might ask, what's the point? Sometimes I wonder if you even ask...

But if you can see into my heart baby girl, then you know how much of a big empty hole there is & how I try so very hard to fill it...even though I know it won't ever fill completely.

You can probably see & feel how much I miss you- & how hard I try to quench that feeling too. Even though I know only seeing you again would quench it completely. <3
...

There's so much I want to share with you my angel, & most of it is good news- finally.

First, all the effort Papi & Ayde have made for their trip- as well as me & Abuelita, who've helped them with the kids these last couple of weeks haven't been for nothing. Their mission was accomplished, we heard the good news yesterday.

I'm happy for them, mostly relieved. It could mean great things for them- many changes for the better....for everyone involved, but hopefully for Papi's benefit too. I hope that means he will slow down now & take better care of himself. We can only hope.
...

Also my mouse, we put an offer on a home last week & it was accepted. :)

So many emotions....

We still don't know for sure. We just started the process of the loan application & so forth. But if all goes well, we should be ready to move in next month.

Again, so many emotions.

We're excited, nervous, and sad too.

It's all too much to explain in this letter my mouse.

All too much to feel & think about.
...

From the beginning, we tried not to get too overwhelmed or get in-over-our-heads about it.

Everything happened by chance really. After Papi bought his new house, he encouraged us to at least look into getting pre-approved. "It won't hurt to try." He said. "If I could do it, you could too." He said.

It was the last thing we were thinking about...then the landlord emailed us saying he was planning on increasing our rent, yet again for this new year coming...

Next thing you know, we got pre-approved & then started casually looking at places...then here we are now baby girl. With the possibility of moving in the next few months.

I don't know.
...

When Tio called to tell me our offer was accepted, I hung up the phone with tears, not of happiness...but of sadness.

My first thought went to your room. :(

I'm sure you know we've talked it over with Daddy & your sisters. How every house we looked at, we were checking to make sure there was room for at least a corner somewhere we could have a few of your things, or even luckily a full room; a "Hailey room."

This place has a bumpout of each level, meaning there's extra room for us to have your things spread out. Your sisters said they each want to keep something of yours...& in the "bumpout" in me & Daddy's room there is space for our "Hailey room." <3
...

It's such a big decision baby girl. Which is why we're nervous too. We have been down this road before & didn't have a great end...

I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I didn't think I was ready to make such a big decision on our future, when we're still living day to day.

But something in my gut & in my heart told me it's ok. I try so hard to listen baby girl- so hard to pay attention to the signs, to look for your & God's guidance now...

And it was all pointing to the direction of- "it's ok." <3

I can almost picture you smiling, saying, "Mommy you deserve this. It's going to be ok."
...

So I will let things happen the way they are meant to, if that's the case.

If they do great, if they don't...I will believe there was a reason for that too.

Then we will just stay here & continue doing what we've been trying to do. Just heal, live and be.
...

It's sad to feel that you don't know what to expect or deserve baby girl.

That you're life has had so much struggle & pain, that you're just sitting around waiting for the next wave to hit. :(

The last thing I ever wanted to be is bitter. But life has taught me to be cautious. I can't just jump in anymore...

It's step by step. Baby steps.
...

If anything, my decisions now are made thinking of your sisters first.

I know that you are more than safe. <3  But your sisters...I don't want them to be like me baby girl.

I've never had a home to turn back to; a safe haven. At the very least, I'd like to give your sisters that. A place to call home, to turn back to if they ever need it.

I will leave it at that for now.

I don't want to overthink things like I usually do.
...

I love you my mouse. Everyday, you're still in my thoughts. Tomorrow, mother's day will be the same, except I will be missing more- that extra pair of arms wrapped around me ever so tightly...

I will close my eyes & listen for your sweet voice, "happy mother's day mommy, you're the best mommy ever." Just like you would always say... <3

Goodnight sweet girl,
See you in my dreams.
Send me a sign if you can...

Love always,
Mommy <3

~

All these things

My mouse,

I'm finally getting a chance to sit down and write. I've been so busy this week with the kids, but sometimes we have to force ourselves to just stop and breathe. Because there will always be something that needs to be done, because it's never-ending.
...

Yesterday we celebrated your special day at Papi's, since him & Ayde are still away. We started the day with your favorite- French toast. Daniella was the only that's ever tried it, she said, at Denny's. Once we told the kids it was your favorite, they were all excited to try it and loved it.

<3

...

Even though they called for rain all day, it held back while we went to see you at the gardens, grilled hot dogs & hamburgers for lunch & planted some flowers for you in Papi's garden.

Auntie & the boys came, Alina & Maddy too.

We got cinco de mayo flowers. <3

<3

Ice cream cake from Cold Stone, Sissy and Natalia picked it out,
remembering how much you loved Oreo's.



Gift from auntie. <3



Your flowers...

This one's my favorite- African Daisy with some purple in it.

The girls were excited to plant your little garden too. The kids played outside, riding their bikes, even a game of basketball with Auntie. That's the nice thing about Papi's new place- their big back yard.

Even though there were tears, even though we felt sad as we sang happy birthday to you & the kids blew your candles out, we were together. In our grief & happiness.

It was nice to have them there my angel. I know you were watching. I'm so thankful for them.

They never forget. They don't judge. They're just there when I need them. And they love and remember you.
...

I started a fundraiser for Beyond Type One in honor of your birthday, through Facebook. We raised almost $200 for them in your name. Uncle Mikey & Auntie Zulen donated too. <3

I know that they were both thinking of you, wishing they were here with us. I missed them being around yesterday, but in spirit, they were.
...

All these little things baby girl- to remember & honor you.

Because we can't hug you or kiss your beautiful face.

All these things- to express our deepest love.

Because we are here & you are there, & by doing these things, we feel closer to you...



All these things...

To ease our pain & longing & direct it to somewhere good, to a good purpose...

To give us continued hope. To keep us one the side of light.....

To keep our faith in tact.

It's the best we can do.

All these things...

Because we love & miss you.

My beautiful girl.

I bet you are more beautiful now. It makes me smile to think of it. I could just picture you- smiling down with that radiant smile- with those bright eyes glistening. Feeling the warmth of your beautiful soul shining down upon us.

<3

Always & forever,
Your mommy
.

Happy 14th birthday

Happy 14th heavenly birthday baby girl. I missed you so
much today. So many emotions...I’m  left without words,
just pure undying love...

Blessings

My mouse,

Valeria: “I miss Hailey. I wish she wasn’t a butterfly.” I know, me too.

Showing her pictures of you and her...

“Vanessa, my eyes started to get watery after seeing the pictures. I started to feel water come out of my eyes.” I know, me too.

<3
...

Then tonight I got this message from Mr. Tom, Diabetes Dad.

It means so much that he remembers. This really lifted me up. <3

I love you so much my sweet girl.

I’m missing you more than words can express. I’ll be waiting for you in my dreams.

Forever and ever,
Mommy <3

One more

Dear Hailey,

I received a message a couple days ago from my cousin Beto (Roberto). You met him a couple times that I can remember.

He was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer. :( This was devastating news, but he is almost done with his treatment and it looks like it’s working. As far as we’ve heard, he’ll be ok. That’s such great news babygirl. He’s so young and such a good person...

But that doesn’t matter does it? We keep learning this the hard way. :(
...

I’ve always liked him. He’s close to uncle Mikey’s age and even though they grew up close in age, they would have been closer to brothers had circumstances allowed it.

Well, my Tia Maggie hasn’t been taking it too well. Even though he’s getting better, she hasn’t really returned my calls, just a few texts. I’m giving her her space but I want to show my support like she showed me...

Life is so unfair my angel. I don’t even know if he’ll be able to have any kids. :(
...

What’s been amazing is his upbeat attitude throughout. I only see updates through Facebook, but I plan to visit once he’s up to having visitors. But he seems to want to kick this thing in the butt. I pray he does.

In the meantime he sent me this and it made me love him even more. <3

This really picked me up babygirl. :)

Beto sent this to a friend who recently moved and got a
new job. It was his #raok4haikey. <3

How I’ve been feeling...

Even though the sadness I still have things to be happy about.

I’m trying to remember this my angel, just as I still remember you every single day.

I love you so much.

Forever,
Your mommy