~

Nothing lasts forever

My Hailey mouse,

The house is quiet since your sisters left for Jersey with Grandma & Pop Pop. I remember back when you girls were little & me feeling exhausted all time, from being a full time mom & working a full time job. I remember how much I looked forward to the times you'd spend with the family in Jersey, just so I could get a break...

The first & second day I'd relish in the peace & silence. In the not having to cook or clean, just to be able to rest...or get a haircut, nails done, or shopping in peace...whatever it was I wanted to do. Those couple of days of freedom meant a chance to recharge my batteries.

But by the third day I'd be missing you girls terribly. The house was too quiet. There was too much silence.

There is a difference between the two:

"Key difference: Though the words quiet and silent are synonymous with each other, they do not mean the same. Quiet means that a surrounding environment is fairly peaceful except a little noise that lingers around. Whereas, silent means that there is absolutely no noise in the surroundings."

Even Daddy & I were left with nothing to talk about, expect you three.

This time, it's different. I wasn't looking forward to them leaving. I started missing them even before they left. I tried not to think of bad things that could happen; car accidents, illness, etc...but I did. So I hugged them extra tight & told them I loved them an extra time or two, before they left.

I haven't gone shopping or had my nails done yet, because I'd rather do that when they get back. They've turned from babies, to toddlers, to girls, and now....my best friends.

You were my best friend too, and still are my girl. Just in a different way now...

I wonder if this is what it will feel like years from now, when I'm alone. When your sisters are older & living their own lives (even though Bella has sworn she won't :). When their lives won't revolve around mine & mine around theirs.

There was probably many times I've wished for this; in midst of exhaustion maybe. In the longing for the freedom of my youth. But not now...

Now, its too sad.

I realize just how different things are now, how much I've changed, after losing you. In so many ways...this is just one.

I was always warned by older friends or co-workers, & Papi, "Enjoy the time you have with them now. Nothing lasts forever. They will only be this age once."

Even though I believed it then, now I absolutely feel the real truth of it.

*****

Nothing lasts forever. It just changes.

I will always be the mom of three.
I will always love you girls.
But not in the same way; the same manner.
Even the way we mother changes with time.
Our love only grows, with time.

Nothing lasts forever.

Even the aching, longing feeling of missing you my sweet angel, will one day end. The day we are reunited. I feel this deep down to be true.

It's a hope that I have...

That nothing lasts forever.

This life is only temporary & that one day I will see you again.

With all my ever changing growing love,
Your mommy

Happiest girl

My sweet girl,

I started to write you another letter...a sad heart wrenching detailed letter of how this week has been without you. But I stopped half way, realizing it isn't what I want to say to you.

I know you have already felt enough of my pain & seen enough of my tears. I'm sorry for that, but it's nothing that could be helped. Christmas was by far, the hardest holiday we've had to spend without you.

But only because we missed you, incredibly so.  More than words could express. And even though my mind told my heart something different, my heart refused to listen...

My hope is that you were also there for the special moments too. That you saw & heard them also. Because it's those moments I rather remember:

Your Christmas tree at your place in the gardens, with your fairy & your Haileyfly.
The midnight mass we attended, with our family as a whole, for the first time...in honor of you.
The Christmas ornaments that Auntie helped the kids make in your memory.
The card that sissy made for you & read out loud, before we opened the first present on Christmas morning- yours:

It plays a pretty song & has a butterfly on top of the globe.
Beautiful like you...

The candle we lit & placed by your placemat during breakfast.

4 of Bella's Shopkins she gave to you as a gift, and placed in your room (4 exclusive, "non-duplicate ones" that she didn't even have :). Because we knew you'd also want in on the whole new "Shopkins" craze....because you both always wanted what the other had, and more. :)

And finally, the visit we made at the gardens, in the pouring rain...sharing & standing under umbrellas, not caring that it was raining...admiring the pretty Christmas flowers we just laid, looking at your beautiful smile on the plaque, crying, laughing & sharing memories of you...my dear Hailey Anne.

This is what I want to remember, and your sisters too. What we strived to tell you & remind ourselves of....

The heartache will always be there.
Sometimes, some days, worse than others.
But no one can ever take away our love & memories.
It's something that we have to remind ourselves daily, to overcome such pain.
But will gladly do so, if that's what it takes.

Grandma said to me today, "Hailey was the happiest girl in the world. She wouldn't want you to be feeling all this pain."

I know she's right. You were the happiest mouse in all the land. Specially on Christmas.

Christmas morning memories & Santa

And now you're an angel...
I hope you got everything you wanted my angel.
I hope your first Christmas in heaven was extra special.

We all miss you down here, but I know we will see you again one day.

Until then we love you, from the bottom of our hearts & soul.
To the moon, around the universe & back.

Forever, your mommy

If only

My dear baby girl,

We have talked, prayed, cried, & smiled about you & to you so much in the last few days, you would think there would be nothing left to say. But there is. There always is...

I wish I had the energy to tonight. But today was a long day back to work after a long emotional week. All I can say now, is that somehow we made it. Somehow we survived...

We love and miss you so much.

Tomorrow Grandma & Pop Pop will be driving down to pick your sisters up & take them to Jersey for a few days. I'll miss them but I'm sure they'll have fun, and daddy & I will be working anyway.

I'll write more tomorrow, when I'll be home alone with my thoughts, no doubt thinking of you.


Can't wait.

If only I had more time.
If only I could go back in time.
If only I could speed up time....

Anything, to get back to you.

Sweet dreams my angel.


Love, mommy

Christmas

Christmas Eve

Not the same

Merry Christmas Eve, my pretty angel. I love and miss you.

Mommy

My little fashion model, who would dress & braid
her hair herself. . <3

A couple Christmas' ago...my other model.
Not sure where my third is, probably hiding
from the camera. :/

~

8 months

My Hailey,

I woke up this morning not remembering right away, that today was 8 months. I'm sorry. I know you probably heard me apologize to you in my head all the way to the gardens, and then when I had my time alone with you there....

I don't know why I felt bad, or guilty about it. I guess it's something that I got used to...revolving our lives through all the firsts; the first day, then week, then month. Then all the seconds; second month, second season, and so on. We slowly got away from counting the weeks, forcibly so because it was the only way we'd be able to keep our sanity. But the months were different. We couldn't get away from counting those. But we didn't want to either...

We use those days to honor you in some way, my mouse. Whether we do flowers, balloon releases, mass...it doesn't matter. Yes, it makes us sad to realize more time has passed without you. It does bring back bad flashbacks of that day.  We cry, hug, and let the grief take over. But we also remember to love too. To hug each other more tightly, to love deeper & search harder for the true meaning of our existence.

More importantly, we remember you my sweet angel.

It doesn't get any easier Hailey. But even though I didn't remember today was 8 months, first thing....I did remember to say hi to you when I opened the blinds & saw the bright morning sun. I never forget that. I never forget to say goodnight when I look up at the stars either, my angel. I don't have to remember. It's as natural to me now as breathing.

So I guess I shouldn't feel bad or guilty. Maybe it's a sign of healing that I should be glad about. Even though it still hurts like hell, we've somehow learned how to live & manage with the pain. To feel it when it comes, but push it aside & allow more room for love.

For love always wins, my sweet girl.

To show our love for you, we placed your pretty Christmas tree by your plaque this morning. Sissy & I took some time in picking it out, along with the fairy & decorations. I hope you like it.

There's a story that goes with the purple Haileyfly. Keep reading. :)

Your tree & Mikey, Zulen & Joshua's Haileyfly.

We took the girls- Natalia & Daniella with us too. They spend the night each Saturday now & they love to visit you each Sunday with us. We took them ice skating afterwards. They had a lot of fun. It reminded me when I took you girls a few years ago. I imagined you skating along with them today...

No hands. :)

They took this pic to send you a message: We love you Hailey!

Winter 2012- First time ice skating, or attempting to :)

We always remember you my Hailey. You are always with us.

*****

I wanted to also show you this surprise we got on our doorstep. Actually, right underneath your angel statue that Grandma got you. :)

It was a envelope with this sweet letter, a Christmas card & a gift card to a salon & your beautiful Haileyfly :)

It had no return address or name attached nor was it signed, but I have a strong feeling of who it might be. Only a few people (of which read this blog) know about your "Haileyfly". :) And if she's reading this now, I just want to say THANK YOU!! For the letter, the card & the gift card, but mostly for thinking of us & of Hailey. For thinking of us now and all this time in between... :)

It really warmed our hearts, my mouse. We read it together in the foyer downstairs & hugged each other, me in tears. It's heartfelt & genuine, & it means a lot.

As time goes by, people tend to move on with their lives. They maybe not entirely forget, but not entirely remember either. But the ones left behind always remember. Us, the ones that loved you & love you still, we don't forget. Sometimes we feel alone in that path. Sometimes the path feels cold & empty. So even small gestures as this are felt as big gestures of love.

Sometimes, they serve as the only light in our path. And we, the ones walking it...so much appreciate it.

****

So you see my beautiful angel, we are surviving. With the love of our loved ones, with the energy we feel surrounded by your spirit & the help of God. We did that today too, we went to church & prayed. To you, because we know you can hear us. To God & Jesus, who have you by their side.

We pray for strength & we give our thanks that we've made it this far. We pray that they take care of you, until we see you again.

My sweet angel, my love, my daughter....

I miss you more than words can say.
Eight months since I last held you in my arms.
But I will never stop holding you in my heart.
Nothing, nothing, can ever tear us apart.

I love you every single day of my life.

Forever,
Your Mommy

~

Yesterday

Treasures

My little girl,

I found these while cleaning up a few months ago. It was your gift to Daddy ( I have mine too but haven't taken pics). Sissy said you got the idea from You Tube.

16 things I <3 about you....

You wrote them on index cards & cut them up so they fit in a small jewelry gift box.

It's the sweetest thing. Of course we kept it. We will treasure them forever.

I love and miss you so much.

Your mommy.

Not Alone

My little girl,

I'm up thinking of you. Thinking about this FB memory that popped up today...



This time last year.

So many thoughts run through my mind when looking at this. I knew it was around this time last year, we had bought the tickets to Bolivia, but couldn't remember the exact date. So, here it is.

I can't tell you how many times I've wished we never made the trip. How much guilt I've felt...how I've wondered if things would of turned out differently if we had been home in the States. How I've hated myself for being so caught up in the stupid trip & not noticing the signs of you being sick. For not acting sooner...

It's taken my family & friends, other bereaved parents, your doctor, the one therapist I saw & a lot of reading of those grief books & researching Type one Diabetes to make me realize, it's no one's fault.

Last week, another mom whose son passed away from undiagnosed Type One reached out to me from your FB page. She shared her story, of how her 13 year old son had flu like symptoms for 2 days. How she let him stay home from school, letting him rest, disinfected the house, etc.....thinking it was just the flu. That he would get better in a few days. Never even got the chance to call the doctor, my mouse. He passed away overnight in his own bedroom. She found him the next day. She was too late. IN JUST TWO DAYS.

It's more than heartbreaking. It's unjust, it's crushing, it's catastrophic. :(

She invited me to a private group in FB specifically for bereaved parents of children who passed from Type One. There are so many more than I ever imagined, my mouse. :( It's heartbreaking. I cried reading all the stories. Most very similar to ours. One family lost their daughter too while overseas. They were in Italy. In her mom's own words, "A nightmare within a nightmare."

I shared our story & got back many sympathetic comments. We shared the same feelings of pain, guilt, regret....the sorrow. I was very thankful to Kathy (the mom who invited me to the group) for inviting me. Even though it broke my heart to discover we are not alone....it is also comforting to know, we are not alone.

I hope you've met all those precious angels. I hope you aren't alone either. <3

******
So many things were different this time last year, my sweet girl. In that picture, we were standing in front of the Christmas tree at the National Harbor. We had made a day out of it & went to the Ice Show at the Gaylord Hotel. You girls loved it, specially you & Bella. You didn't mind your frozen booties, just so you could go down the slide made of ice, "just one more time Mommy!"

You & Bella sliding on ice. :)

We had so much fun that day.

Frosty the Snowman Ice Show

I'm so thankful to have these memories. It's not me living in the past, my Hailey. It's just me holding on to what I have left of you, my beautiful girl. I remember & it makes me smile....

Your sisters & I will continue to make memories, with you included. But these are the ones we will cherish forever.


Sisters forever <3

I love you my girls.

My sweet beautiful girls.

No matter where you are.

Remember that you are never alone.

Remember the love.

Remember the smiles & the laughs.

The great times we've had.

Keep the memories safe inside your heart.

Reach down when you need to.

And it will get you through.

Forever & always,
Your mommy. <3

Candle Ceremony

My angel,

I hope you saw our candles lit for you tonight. We love you. We never forget. I'm mentally drained, so I will write more tomorrow.

Please come visit me in my dreams.

Love, Mommy

Choosing love

My sweet Hailey Mouse,

I'm sorry I haven't written as much lately. Our days stay busy & go by so fast. One, after another. But there isn't a day that goes by when we're not thinking of you, missing you with every breath.

I never got to tell you about Sissy's birthday, even though I'm sure you were there. You wouldn't of missed it for the world.  Just like Bella didn't. She had the choice of staying with the kids or going with Sissy & her friends. She insisted on coming along. :)

Dinner at El Tio's

Then she had her party with the family. She looked so beautiful.

La Quinceañera

 

We had a great time, even though the family couldn't get her to dance. Maybe next year. ;)

 

15 years old, my mouse. It's hard to believe. I kept thinking about the day she was born & all the things that have happened since. 15 years of memories, milestones....and to think she's still only a baby. This is just the beginning of a long happy life. I know she will succeed in whatever she chooses to do, whoever she chooses to be. She's already a smart, beautiful, kind & passionate soul. It's amazing to watch her become a young lady. She's a great daughter, friend & the best big sister anyone could ask for.

 

I know you will look after her always, just like she looked out for you.

 

******

 

Last week was Valeria's birthday too. Every time I see her, I kiss her twice. Once for you. Since she was the last baby, she was your favorite. I can't believe she's three already.

 

The day before her party, Daniela found an old CD from her Kindergarten class at Glenkirk. We all got excited to see a random picture of you pop up, wearing a blue top with a butterfly in the middle & the cholita earrings Papi got you after one of his trips to Bolivia. You wore those for months with every outfit. :)

 

You were sitting next to a little boy in her class. Daniela said she remembered that day. Your 2nd grade class came to read to them, as 'reading buddies'. You had your usual sweet smile on your face, my little girl. It touched all of us to see you appear on her computer, so unexpectedly. But what really got us even more, was Valeria's reaction when she saw you.

 

Upon seeing your picture she immediately got so excited. She said "Bella!" (which she would always do, mix up your names) She was flapping her arms in excitement, face all lit up, smiling, looking at all of us...

 

Then, she stopped.

 

She turned her face away & hugged Kayla, who was holding her. She turned sad & said "No more. No more." She didn't want to look anymore. It's like she realized, when she looked around to all of us....that you weren't there. She knows you're not here, baby. :(

 

We were sad to see her second reaction. She's too young for us to explain anything to her...yet she knew. Too young to explain to her that you are here, in spirit. But even that may of not been good enough. Her face said it all.

 

We were also amazed she remembered. It's not that's its been that long, my mouse. It's just that little kids usually have short term memory. Yet, she remembered. But then again how could she not? You were the baby whisperer. :) Always had that magic touch.

 

You loved them, and they loved you back.

 

And I know you've come to visit her. Papi & Ayde have told me about the times she's pointed & said your name. The many times they've felt you were hanging around the kids, random but powerful signs. They will never forget, my beautiful girl.

 

I hope she never forgets...but if by the natural way of life, she does....

 

As long as I am alive, I will be there to remind her. 

 

 

When we went to Val's party, Auntie was in tears. She said it was because she was just thinking of us. I know.... it's because she misses you too. <3

 

******

 

The same day as Val's bday, Alina & the kids came over for breakfast. Madeline was excited to show us her blue & purple highlights. Specially her purple ones, that she got in honor of you. Alina said her & Max always talk about you too. They mention your name in their prayers at night. For Thanksgiving, Madeline asked to save a placemat at the table for you. So sweet... :)

 

We went to show them your plaque at the gardens too, & they left a pink rose they bought for you. I know you were there, my Hailey. I know you could hear & see us smiling at the memories & crying tears for you, listening to Alina tell me, "We miss her."

 

****** 

Your friends still remember you too. I got a text with this pic from Dom's mom saying they went to a lights show & thought of you when they came across a tree with purple lights & a purple butterfly. :)

 

So sweet to remember you.

 

I want to see it too.

 

 ******

 

Last night, we went to see Bella's first choral recital. She was so excited & nervous, it was cute. She has been working hard in rehearsals since school started, going to practice twice a week. Memorized every song, & even the few lines she had as an announcer. I love to see her passionate about something, specially singing because she's good at it. She sings with such heart. :)

 

Not only did we see Dom's mom there, but we also ran into Carly too. Just like the last time we saw her at the fair over the summer, she came over & gave us all a big hug. She said it made her feel kind of sad to be there. She remembered the violin recital last year & how you both talked about it the next day. I remembered too. As soon as I sat down, my mind went to the last time we were there. Your violin recital.

 

You were so excited to learn how to play.

 

 

 

I knew you were there too, Hailey. We were sitting there, proudly watching your sister's performance. Enjoying watching her belt it out, along with the rest of the kids (They did so good). I couldn't get a good shot of the all of them from where I was sitting, plus I was hot because we were squished together. I had my coat on. So I stood up against the wall to record their last song in clear view.

 

After the song was over & I pressed stop, a sudden chill spread throughout my body. From my head to my toes! I looked around to see if they had turned any fans on or wondered if the AC suddenly on. But AC in the winter?

 

My first instinct was to think you of you my mouse. The chill was soft like a wave but so noticeable. Like you were trying to let me know you were there. That you loved the performance. That you were proud of your sister, and you wanted me to let her know.

 

 

 

Bella n her bestie.

 

******

 

Some things get a little easier over time. I don't think that I would of been able to sit there months ago, with those memories of you & your violin running through my mind.

 

But wanting to see Bella sing, not only got me through it but also allowed me to enjoy it. I was glad to be there. To see Dom's mom & your friend. Oh, and my mouse I'm glad Daddy was there to see it too...I know you were too.

 

Not only to see him at the recital. But alive. He made it out of that place more than just alive...

 

The world is so beautiful & harsh at the same time, my angel. A constant battle between love & war.  But I think in the end, we get to choose which side we fight for.

 

I will try & always choose love. For you & your sisters. For myself too.

 

I love, love, love you.

 

And I miss you. Everyday.

 

Forever,

Your mommy