Easter/Touched by God/Nanny

Dear Haileymouse,

Easter was really tough to get through, without another wave of grief hitting hard. I knew it was going to be...but I thought I'd be able to keep it together long enough for no one else to notice. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.

For the first time, I wasn't there when the girls dyed their eggs. I wasn't there for the egg hunt. I pretended to be busy downstairs in the basement, so I didn't have to watch. I just couldn't baby girl. Just like Christmas, when I was picturing all the kids gathered together; opening their gifts in excitement; knowing you should be there too; imagining you there, but not actually seeing you there....I knew it would be too much to handle. I skipped Christmas for that reason. I didn't want to ruin it for anyone else, so only your sisters went & Daddy stayed with me. How could I take Christmas away from them?

I couldn't take Easter from them either. It's long become the tradition- Easter at Grandma's. You remember how she went all out, like she did for every occasion. But Easter was always extra special. Coloring eggs, making the bunny cake, pies, Ham, mac n cheese & sides, Easter gifts for all the girls, Easter baskets filled with every kind of chocolate & candy....& epic Easter egg hunts in her back yard, not only with the real eggs you all dyed but with plastic ones she filled with quarters. So many good memories, thanks to her. <3

*****

Maybe I should have skipped it all by myself, baby girl. As much as I tried to hold back the tears, by the time dinner was ready & we were all gathered around the dinner table, holding hands & praying...
listening to Nanny pray, then feeling her tightly squeeze my hand, like a signal to let it go....like she was telling me, "Ok, alright now, let it out. Let it go..."

I did.

Right into her arms I went. It was like I was drawn to her in some way that I still can't explain.  As we hugged & cried, she whispered in my ear, "God loves you. Jesus loves you." I opened my eyes to see she was crying too. It was the first time I saw her cry. The girls too. And maybe even Grandma & Pop Pop & Uncle Chris & Aunt Didi.....I don't know.

All I know is that suddenly I heard others crying too, but what mattered more at that exact moment; as I was looking into Nanny's eyes; was that something almost magical was happening between us. How do I explain it my mouse? It's almost like I don't have to, because you were there. Like Nanny said later,

"Oh I knew when I woke up this morning, she would come. I knew she would be here, and she was."

It was as if something passed through us as we hugged. As if she somehow physically, at that very moment, lifted the heavy burden in my heart. And without words, I know she knew. I looked into her eyes & knew she felt it too. And just like that, I was able to turn around & give hugs to Daddy & your sisters, dry my tears, and sit back down to have dinner.

Needless to say, I didn't leave Nanny's side for a long time. Some time afterwards, she patted my leg and asked "You feeling better?" I said yes. And she said, Good!

I will never ever, for the rest of my life, tease Nanny for being "too" religious or let anyone else tease her either (because they do). Because my angel, I found out that day, she is truly touched by God. And what I felt was that touch passing on to me, helping to ease my soul....

And you; His angel & mine; was there.

The only other person that noticed it, was Daddy. When we talked it about it later, he said what he saw was like "electricity passing through between Nanny & you."

It's true. That's exactly what it felt like. :)

I will never forget it, as long as I live. And I will never forget her. Nanny is 94 years old my mouse. Saying goodbye to her, I thought- this might be the last time I see her. You just never know...

But she was smiling away, telling me about how she knew you were coming for Easter. Telling me how she keeps a purple balloon in her apartment, that's been there for a long time but still has air in it, and how whenever she sees it, she thinks of you & says to herself, "Hi Hailey"....

I knew for a fact that
1. She is truly touched by God.
2. She is a beautiful soul
3. No matter if the last time or not, I will always want to remember her, just like that.

I love you my angel.

All the way up to the sky & around the universe...

Goodnight. <3

Forever,
Your Mommy

Miracle in the City

My beautiful girl,

I finally get to write to you again. There is so much to say & share, even though I know you are always around watching. I still look forward to the times I can sit alone with my thoughts & write to you....

Today is the last day of Spring Break for your sisters. We made the best of it, considering. They had fun visiting your cousins in NJ. They spent a day in NYC walking around, taking pics, shopping, eating & people watching. Bella got to see the Brooklyn Bridge up close...something that had been on her bucket list because she "was born in Brooklyn & never even saw it before!"

Sissy really loves it there, which amazes me because NY is chaotic & noisy...the opposite of her. I guess she takes after me in that way. I've always loved it too. The city has so much energy that excites me- all the history, buildings, culture, people, food...every thing but the stink of the streets. :)

She even has NYU on her college wish list! I don't know my mouse. I trust Sissy. She is super responsible & very intelligent, but you also have to have a certain amount of 'street smarts' to survive in a city like that....

The thought of her there alone scares me. :(

Not allowed to show pics of your cousins :/

Oh my little girl....I can remember like it was yesterday being pregnant with you & working in Manhattan. Craving cheesecake with strawberry topping & walking down to the bakery during my lunch break & buying a $4 slice (but worth every penny).

Feeling extreme morning sickness on that hour long bumpy bus ride into the city every morning, made worse when I got off the bus, smelling that lovely mixture of urine, smoke, & greasy bacon coming from the streets. It got so bad, I had to carry a puke bag with me at all times those first few months, haha....:}

I would do it all over again. A million times over, my angel.

*******

But I wanted to share the best thing that happened while they were there...

Bella spotted your teacher Mrs. Stroud right there in the middle of China Town!! It was so amazing, Hailey. No one could believe it, not even her. Bella saw her walk by with her husband & cried out, "That's Mrs. Stroud!!" Everyone turned apprehensively & looked & sure enough, it was her. :)

Daddy ran with Bella chasing her down the street before she got lost in the crowd. Once they caught up to her, she said "Get out!!" shocked too. We all were.

Maybe that's why it took a little while to realize the significance of it. The more & more I thought about it- The fact that in a city of millions, your favorite teacher from last year; the last teacher you loved; the one that did so much for us after.....was right there at the same time & same place.

What are the chances?

I don't believe it was just a coincidence, my angel.

I know it was a sign from you letting everyone know you were there. And you knew it had to be a "big" sign after all- in such a busy place, with so much going on...

During those moments I feel the rage
That threatens to rise inside of me
Or the darkness
That threatens to cover me in a veil
As I fight internally within
To accept the hands of faith
That reach for mine
To set me free
I close my eyes & bow my head
I think of your signs
And I'm once again rescued
Again & again

Thank you my angel. Thank you to the God that strives for me to see the light.

While I don't believe in all miracles...I do believe in that one.

As long as you don't give up on me; I won't either.

I love you my Hailey & I miss you.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Our story in Insulin Nation

Dear Hailey,

Our story was published a couple of days ago in Insulin Nation. It was the first time I was published & listed as the 'author'. I never dreamed it would be this way for these reasons.

But I believe it's something I had to do. For you, my mouse.


http://insulinnation.com/treatment/diabetes-can-be-mistaken-for-altitude-sickness/

We did it baby girl. <3



This is how many people have seen this post
so far & counting. I hope people read & share it,
to spread awareness. This is just from your page alone.

I cried so much, baby girl. Even thought I wrote it, even though I lived it, it still doesn't seem real. It's like I'm reading about someone else's life, still heartbreaking, still Earth shattering.

A horrific movie or tragic book.

But the pain & love I feel is far too real to kid myself. It's our story. It's what happened. It's our reality.

I have gotten positive feedback from many on the article. I've been called courageous & while I don't feel that way...

I know it's one of hardest things I had to do since you passed. But I will keep doing it as long as I have strength to do so.

I love you my angel.

I know you are always keeping me strong.

Forever,
Your Mommy  <3

Missing you

Mouse, there is so much I want to tell you about but there's no WiFi & I have limited data. I just want to tell you I love and miss you.

Love,
Mommy <3

Memory

This date, last year.

<3

Baby doll

Hailey,

We will leaving tomorrow to go visit the Jersey Evans'.....

This time of year; Spring Break & Easter, brings back so many memories. Each holiday is so hard without you. I didn't know how it was going to be this time, but as the days get closer....I am feeling the emptiness. I didn't know whether to stay or go...but maybe going would fill up some of that empty space.

I love you baby doll. I used to call you that too & you'd always smile. That is how I always want to picture you....With that sweet smile.

Goodnight baby doll.

Sending you big hugs & kisses,
Your mommy <3

11 months

My sweet angel,

Yesterday was 11 months. Sorry I didn't get to write or go see you at the gardens. But today we dropped off your cute little purple Easter bunny & chocolate bunny, with the girls; Natalia & Daniella . When I saw it at the store, I immediately pictured you holding it & caressing it, begging for me to buy it for you....so I did.

Always thinking of you.

*****

We had a busy week with work, St. Patty's Day, Natalia's & Papi's b-day. It was nice being around family & celebrating. Eating good food & cake....it was nice after a tough few days. Of course we missed you. We missed Mikey & the fam too. As much as we enjoy these special moments, we feel the absence of those we love & miss.

It turned cold again & we got some rain showers with some snow, but Papi being the party expert that he is, made the best of it. He cooked a ton of food (for his own birthday). But that's what's so great about him...not only does he not mind, he enjoys it. He loves having the family over, eating & drinking & having a good time. I think that's why he chose to be a Chef. The reward of all their hard work, is being able to watch others enjoy their creations. :)

My little girl....I miss you so much. We all do. We bought Natalia an art set for her b-day with paints, brushes, easel & canvases. This is what her, Bella, Daniella & Madeline drew for you:

We let it dry & placed it in your room.

They did that all their own, without being asked. It was really sweet. I love that they still remember, that they still think of you. I see so much of you in the girls. Natalia is a sweetheart, loves art & gymnastics like you. Daniella loves to read, gets good grades & doesn't like to clean or cook at all, like you. ;) She still plays with babies too. Madeline loves the dresses & purses & the shoes, like you. Always looking girlie, fashionable & pretty. And Bella, well you know your sister. After all, you share the same souls with her & Sissy. And always will. <3

*****

11 months my mouse. I can write about how much this pierces me, but I won't. Instead I will write about how tomorrow Debbie, along with a couple of other T1D moms, will be meeting with some very important officials, to advocate for funding towards awareness & education of Type One Diabetes & Reegan's Rule. She will be including our story along with all the others, to hopefully make a case for the importance of this cause.

She asked last week if it would be ok to include you....of course I said yes & thanked her. I can't thank her enough. See my mouse, you are already starting to make a difference....

 

This is not how I would of wanted it, my beautiful girl. None of these other families either. It hurts & it makes me angrier at this disease. But its a reminder of why we have to continue to fight. It hurts, but we are trying to see the light & still fight...

I don't know if it will ever be like this, like this pic says:

And maybe I don't ever want it to be. Maybe I'm ok with just floating. Keeping above water. For now, that is all I can ask for....


I love you with all my heart. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

Forever,
Your Mommy <3

Memories

Your last recital. Hard to see but you were in the middle right.
We were so proud of you. 

St. Patrick's Day, Natalia's & Papi's bday

St. Patty's Day~green carnation.

Sweet Natalia and you, remembering on her bday.

You & Papi right after you were born. Remembering on his bday.

Reliving & accepting

My little girl,

It's hard to recall all the details of those final days leading up to the day...in which you passed. I don't like to use the word died, because in my heart you haven't. You are still very much a part of our lives, and always will be. It doesn't have anything to do with denial or letting go....but everything to do with the fact that our love will always keep your memory alive. The fact that your spirit is felt every minute of everyday.

And the fact that I believe, like I never have before, that you have really passed on to heaven; maybe not one like they describe in books or movies; but still a place of peace; rich in beauty and bliss. I know this because of all the signs we've received, both from you & the God that is keeping you safe for me, until we meet again.

I knew that the days leading up to the anniversary of your passing would cause a new tsunami of hard-hitting waves that would leave us half drowning again; fighting & gasping for air.

Maybe not all of us. Maybe only me. I can only speak for myself.

The other day, when I opened FB to find last year's memory of you joining the running club- it didn't bring the usual joy I get, like opening up a small wrapped gift. There was no smile & no warmth in my heart. Instead it felt like I was sucker punched in the gut. My first thought was- nooooo! This is when it first began & I had no clue. It was like watching the beginning of a timeline....& in my head I couldn't help but reliving the days & moments of that timeline.

Today, I relived it all over again by sharing our story with the editor of Insulin Nation. About a month ago, they published an article In Memoriam to the Undiagnosed, about all deaths caused by undiagnosed Type One Diabetes, in the past year. Most of them were children. Of course your name wasn't mentioned, & it stung me in a way I didn't expect.

http://insulinnation.com/living/in-memoriam-to-the-undiagnosed/

How would they know? How would anyone know? You didn't pass away here, in the grand country of USA, even though you were born here. You passed away in a small obscure, not-well-known, third world country named Bolivia. You weren't technically "undiagnosed". You were just diagnosed too late...

I wasn't on Facebook posting every single detail of our nightmare. I was too busy living it. There was no time. Everything happened so fast. You were with us & then suddenly, you were gone. Physically gone...leaving us emotionally gone.

It stung me long afterwards not seeing your name mentioned, my sweet girl. It wasn't their fault, I know. So I decided to email the editor to at least tell him about you, about us. I finally received a response last week & he asked if it was ok to publish our story. Of course I agreed & sent him the full story this morning.

This was his response:

And this was mine on FB:

It did my mouse. It took a lot out of me. Whether he'll actually publish it, I don't know. We're still waiting to hear from the other lady from the magazine. Debbie was told our story will be published in April. Tom "Diabetes Dad" who we met in NC, told us not to hold our breath. :(

Either way, it was both relieving & devastating to tell someone our story & relive every moment. But I tried, & that is enough. He was genuinely nice in his other emails, sending us condolences, etc. I just don't know if I could do it again, sweet angel. I was useless all day. I had a headache, couldn't eat & was in bed most of the day.

But I also want to share that when I finally forced myself to get out of the house & go for a walk- it was a beautiful sunny day. There was a cool breeze. I noticed the trees are starting to bud. Out of the five people who walked past me; 3 waved & smiled & 2 said hello. That never happens.

And in a the midst of the patchy green grass beside the sidewalk, I noticed a little patch of tiny light purple flowers. And I thought...my little girl is everywhere.

My sweet girl, I have accepted that we can't turn back time. I have accepted that no one is to blame. Not even God.

I have accepted that the world will continue to turn. That the stars & sun will still shine...

But I also know that they shine a little brighter, because of you. That the world is forever changed & made better because you were in it. And your life will continue to impact others...whether it's in big numbers or just us; the ones that knew you & loved you best. And that's ok.

As long as I have breath left in me & as long as I have the strength, I will make sure of it.

And I will never stop being your mom & I will never stop loving you. Not even for a moment.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy

Silver linings

Type One Diabetes

A first step

Mouse,

I did it. I emailed one of our state delegates (the one that belongs to our district, and got a response almost right away. I got the template from Debbie & a copy of the actual bill & will be sending it to him tonight. I got so emotional after receiving his response I was in tears.....

I promised you I will try my angel. <3

********

Dear Ms. (deleting my name for this post):

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my oldest son in a car crash at 19 and I agree it is something no parent should have to go through. 

 

Unfortunately, we are almost at the end of the 2016 General Assembly session and all the deadlines for introducing legislation have long passed.  However, I would be glad to work with you over the interim to see if we can put in something for the 2017 General Assembly session. 

 

If you have more information about the details of the legislation that passed in North Carolina I would really appreciate you passing that on to me.  Sometimes having a template does help. 

 

Thank you so much for contacting me about this and I look forward to working with you going forward.

 

Sincerely,

 

Delegate Bob Marshall

 

Dear Mr. Marshall,

I lost my daughter Hailey almost a year ago due to complications to Type One Diabetes, a disease we didn't know she had until she was diagnosed too late. Just a couple of weeks before her 11th birthday.

Prior to her passing, we never even heard of this disease. After much research, I have learned of many other deaths caused by this disease all around the country. Recently, Reegan's Rule was passed in North Carolina, named after little Reegan who lost her life to Type 1 at 16 months old. I had the honor of meeting her family last weekend, during the celebration of the passing of the bill.

Reegan's Rule encourages education & testing of Type One Diabetes from birth to age 5 at every wellness check. This law will save so many lives. If we, as parents had known about the symptoms of this disease, our daughter Hailey might be alive today. This is why it's so important to me. I've learned there are many other states at this time, looking into "jumping on board" and adapting Reegan's Rule in their own state.

I am looking for suggestions and guidance on how we could bring Reegan's rule to Virginia, and I would really appreciate your help in this matter.

Type One diabetes is slowly becoming an epidemic. It's the disease that took my daughter from me. I feel many lives could be saved, and believe me when I say, I don't wish this pain on anyone.

Thank you,

(deleting my name for this post)

~

Memory

My sweet Hailey,

The memories that usually pop up on Fb usually bring a smile to my face. This morning when I looked, this memory showed up & it me cry. It really tore me up inside...But I shared it anyway with this message:

I remember this day so clearly.
The orange hoodie
you wore is still in the coat closet downstairs. 

Your biggest fans :)

Living & surviving

My beautiful girl,

Each day we get up, we have to choose to live. Yes, we wake up alive. We are breathing, our hearts beating, our eyes open...but the choice to get up & live the day or just lay there & just survive: they are two different things.

Every day, we all make have to make that conscience decision. All of us; Daddy, me, Sissy & Bella. Daddy battles his disease every minute of every day & he has been beating it now for more than 3 months.  He's been keeping up with the medication & treatment they recommended & we are all very proud of him.

Sissy gets up at 5:30 every morning, gets ready on her own, makes her own breakfast, & goes to school- not missing days or skipping class, like I'm sure many high school kids do. Like I used to do. She gets good grades by studying & finishing her homework & projects on time. She helps me with Bella on my late nights & Saturdays while I'm at work. When she goes out with her friends, she pays attention to curfew & I trust her. I know she's not drinking or doing drugs or doing bad things with boys....She makes all those choices, my mouse.

Just like Bella. It's her choice to get up with Sissy in the morning to have breakfast with her & see her off to school (like a little mom). No one ever asked her to do that. Just like we don't have to remind her to do her homework & read. She does all that on her own & gets good grades too.

I think about all that everyday when I get up, baby girl. Every single morning, when the reality of our nightmare, paralyzes me once again.

I think about their courage & it gives me courage. I think to myself- I owe it to them. Not just you or me. But them too....because they could have easily given up. They still could. That's why every day forward, is crucial.

In the beginning we were just learning how to survive day by day. Learning & trying to cope with the torment & the pain. It was all we could ask for; to live through another day. Slowly, getting back into routine. Slowly, getting accustomed to this new life. Slowly learning how to pick up the pieces..

Slowly, learning how to live again. We are still learning my angel. With your help & God's help, everyday we take another step.


Today, Daddy had the day off.
He went to two meetings that is part of his treatment.
Bella & I walked to her school for the first time. Our goal is
to start walking everyday. We've been walking with Sissy
too after school too.

We went out for dinner. We went grocery shopping, Sissy
put everything away, like she always does.

It may not sound like much, but it's the little things that matter. Sure, we could do big things like we did over the weekend; like drive to another state to meet another family who lost their angel. We could watch & learn from them.

But it's another thing to apply what you've learned to everyday life. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, but it is. We still grieve. We still cry. We still hurt. None of that stops just because you choose to live.

As hard as it is to do without you..
In between the tears,
And the moments that hold our breath...

Missing and loving you,
Every step of the way...

We are choosing to live. And to love.

There was a time, when even that was unthinkable. We have come a long way, our angel.

I love you & Daddy & your sisters. With all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

Faith & Southern Hospitality

My mouse,

We are back home, back to reality. We arrived late last night after driving a total of almost 13 hrs (both ways) & little sleep (in two days). Back to school & work today. But it was worth it...it was so worth it.

It's hard to put into words sometimes, the feelings one feels. Because words alone don't seem sufficient or appropriate enough. I hope you can see & tell in these pictures the amount of love & joy felt between me, your sisters, Debbie & Reegan's family the first night we met & the day after.

Complete strangers, that were brought together by the passing of 2 innocent little girls. The almost-passing of another boy. Moms, Dad, Grandpa, sisters, brother & cousin:

After dinner our first night.

Yet, it felt like we knew them for years. There was a definite connection. They get it, my angel. Without words, they know & they get it. There were hugs, tears & laughs both days. We talked about you & Reegan. We told them how much you loved kids & babies. How we know you're up there with her hand in hand, or baby to hip ;) Bella was given the nickname Izzy & Kayla was Boo. :) They were so down to earth & welcoming. It's true what they say about southern hospitality...

The next day was even grander. Your sisters & I got to experience something we never have. First, a church service in the South! Wow! With live uplifting music & singing; dancing; passionate preacher; the whole works my mouse. I know you were there. I know you could feel my heart balloon to the size of a watermelon. Both your sisters agreed that our church is so boring compared to theirs. :)

The words the preacher spoke; about not staying idle, about doing something good not just for the sole purpose of personal gain- it was all about what Reegan's mom did. Not only to have Reegan's memory live on forever, but to save lives. To make sure no one else has to walk in her shoes. In our shoes...

It was just amazing baby girl. I took in as much as I could. There were a lot of big shots there too. The ones that helped her make Reegan's Rule happen: Senator Smith & Representative Graham, Tom Karlya (Diabetes Dad), all who I had a pleasure of meeting. All who found about us, about you.

The luncheon celebration after the service was amazing too. Reegan was everywhere. We were all wearing her colors: Hot pink & black.

Decorations



Church, me & the big shots, your sissies & Reegan's brother
& the luncheon :)

We were seated with the big shots too, where I got to introduce
myself & the girls & tell them your story. They were genuinely sorry &
touched. Your memory will live on as long as I do. <3

I was so inspired by Darice- Reegan's Mom. In her speech, she said if it wasn't for her faith, she'd be "on the street corner somewhere strung out on God knows what". She said everything was God's doing, not hers. That she was just picked by the Lord, as his messenger. That all she did, was make that first phone call...& he took care of the rest.

It made me think, baby girl. It brought me back to my original thought when all this came to be- that God brought us together, because we are on the same journey.

I really have no doubt that that's true now. She made me really believe it. She made me believe it's possible....that anything is possible.

******

Except the fact that we will always live with a hole in our hearts & nothing will change that.

We both agreed that we would trade anything to have you back in our lives.

We have realized by now that we will never completely heal.

But we have no doubts that one day we will see you again.

That we walk this path of faith, holding our broken hearts in place, for as long as it takes, because we know, that it will one day lead us back to you. Our babies.

And we will not stay idle. We will keep you alive with the love we have for you...always.

There is no love stronger than that, my mouse.

I love & miss you.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Pembroke NC

We made it baby girl. I know you're here with us. I can feel your presence. I love you with all my heart. <3

~

March

My little girl,

We move into the month of March. It definitely feels more like Spring now. The sun is shining & the birds are chirping. The girls & I have been on a couple of walks and a visit to the school playground with Bella, Daniella & Natalia. A breath of fresh air & a little bit of sunshine does wonders for the soul & I'm thankful for it.

I've been meaning to tell you about something exciting that's going to happen this upcoming weekend. We're going to meet the family of little Reegan. A little girl from North Carolina, who passed away from Type 1 a couple of years ago. She was only 4 years old. :(

After she passed, her mom worked really hard to pass a law that would encourage doctors to test for Type One and educate parents about the disease, starting from birth to age 5, during every physical. It's called Reegan's Rule & it passed in January, in her state. :)

Can you imagine my little girl? If that rule had already been in place ages ago? :( It breaks my heart over & over again...

But it's so admirable what she did, in honor of her little girl. And to hopefully save more lives. I think I told you about her a couple months back. She's the mom that I talked to on the phone and said to me. "I don't know you, but I love you." I never will never forget that...

So this Sunday, they will be celebrating the passing of the bill. It's really an amazing accomplishment. I had been thinking about going, even mentioned it to your sisters. But it wasn't until a lady named Debbie (who's son also has Type 1 but thankfully didn't pass away; but was very close), called me and asked if we wanted to ride down together!

I was so honored she asked. She's a big advocate for the awareness of Type 1 & has done many wonderful things for the cause, my mouse. She's been on TV & thanks to her there will be an article on Reegan's & your story being published next month!

A reporter from a local health magazine in VA, contacted me a couple of weeks ago & I shared our story & your picture. It was heartbreaking for me to relive the details, my sweet girl. I was depressed all week, like it just happened. The same week I saw your purple butterfly at the mall...You knew I needed a sign from you. <3

It was hard, but I knew it's something I had to do. Maybe the first step of many more to come, my angel. I feel that God somehow has placed us in each other's path, because we are on the same journey.

I met them all through your page on FB: Hailey's Angels. What started out as a memorial page, more for myself....has led me to so many other sites & groups. Not only bereavement groups, but more specifically parents who also lost their children to Type 1...And awareness pages of this hateful disease. The more I learn, the more I cannot just turn my head away. No matter the pain it may bring, I can't stay silent.

It's really amazing that I will get to meet these moms, these wonderful women who I admire & give me courage, my mouse. I get really emotional talking about it. It's the best but worse feeling knowing you are not alone. You don't want to be alone in your pain, but you don't wish it on anyone else either.

Oh my little girl. I would give my life for yours. I would give anything...

I miss you so much. But I can't & I hate it.

So I have the choice of being swallowed up whole but all this hate, all this pain....or use it to channel on fighting the real enemy: This disease that took you away from me.

But it will be in a way that will make you proud. In a way that will honor you & the beautiful person you were & the life you lived....And I know I won't be alone in doing it.

When I told Uncle Mikey that I didn't know if I'd have the strength to do what Reegan's mom did, he said, "Hailey will give you the strength."

I know he's right. I know you will.

I swear I will try. That much I can promise.

I love you my sweet angel.

Yesterday, today & always.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

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