Memorial Day Memories

At Auntie's workplace. Fun memories <3



Kings Dominion, you & your sister's favorite.

I miss you my mouse.
Thinking about you & all the families who mourned thier loved ones lost in war.

Goodnight my sweet angel.
I will write more tomorrow. <3

Lost Dreams

My beautiful girl,

It's going to be another sleepless night, when everyone else is in bed & I am wide awake, thinking of you. I should be tired after a day like today. But I need to write to you. There is always so much I need to say.

Today was a good day. The sun was out & I took Rocky out for a long walk & saw 2 beautiful yellow Haileyflies. :) The first one flew right in front of us & fluttered around close enough for Rocky to try & eat it. He does the same thing with mosquitos (sometimes I think he's half reptile :). The second fluttered around somebody's garden as we were passing it. It made me smile.

Last night I went to bed crying because I saw the video one of the moms from our Type One support group put together of all the children that we know of so far, that have passed from the disease. There are so many my mouse....and to see your smiling face included among so many, broke my heart.

They are from Australia. After her daughter Danii passed away, she formed Danii's Foundation-  http://danii.org.au/type-1-diabetes/ . They advocate awareness & management of Type 1. She is very inspirational. She asked our permission to include our angels in her video so we can use it to spread awareness. It's not finished yet, but it's beautiful & sad. It will be ready the middle of June & we can share it then.

After watching it, I laid there on my bed, praying & talking to you. I asked if you could send me a little sign because it's been a while. Then today, I saw my butterflies. My Haileyflies.

Thank you my sweet angel.

.........

I wanted to tell you that last week Papi was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. :(

We are sad & worried. Thankfully, he still has a chance to reverse it, if he follows the diet & exercise plan. I went with him to pick up his medication & Glucose kit at Target. The pharmacist explained how to use it, demonstrated by pricking his finger & putting the drop of blood on the strip, inserted it into the Glucose meter that read his sugar level- 122. Papi hadn't eaten yet.

The whole time I felt the knot in my chest tighten, my mouse. I knew I would have used the same meter for you. When the pharmacist said that anything above 200 is considered high- Papi & me must of been thinking the same thing, because on our way out he asked if yours was 500 at the hospital. Yes, it was over 500. He remembered. He remembered too how our last night together, during dinner, you refused to eat but you finished a tall glass of ice cream at Dumbo's. It's the last picture I have of you....smiling holding that stupid glass. :( :( How many times have I cried remembering that night? Blaming myself...

I'm sorry to bring it up baby girl. Papi & I were both really sad thinking about it.

.......

So not only does he have diabetes now, but he's also going back to Bolivia right after we see Mikey. He's been planning the trip for a while & each time he's brought it up, I've been quiet about it,  just listening to him talk. I didn't tell him what I really think or how I really feel.

I'm not mad or offended. Surprised. Hurt. Those are just some words that pop up. Surprised that he would go so soon. Hurt thinking about all the memories there, still fresh in our minds, in our wounds. I understand he has his own personal reasons. After all, he had different reasons for going last year & he never got any of them accomplished. Instead, he was right there by our side.

But just the idea of going back....just hearing the word Bolivia. It pains me more than words can explain. I'm forever traumatized. I don't think I could ever go back there, Hailey. Not ever. Not unless there was an emergency with my Mom. Even then, I couldn't go alone.

It used to be so different. I used to feel pride saying I was from there. I had ideas & dreams about visiting long term one day. About travelling all over my home country, getting to know my culture, seeing all the marvelous places I've seen only in pictures or heard about through my Dad's stories....

But now I know, that will never happen. All those dreams seem so distant now.

All I can remember is the hospital & everything we had to deal with after.... & it was horrible. Although the memories will forever haunt me, going back would only give them life again. That is all I can say about that for now....

I know Papi had dreams too, that won't ever become reality. He realizes that now, & I know he feels broken up about it. He has been chasing those dreams for as long as I've known him. It's what always kept him going. But he has other reasons to keep him going now & I hope he remembers that too.

.......

My beautiful angel, we will always be haunted by the memories. They come whether they are welcome or not. Even when I try to force them away...they come anyway.

We will always have lost dreams, because we are given just this one life without enough time to make them all come true.

But we still have reason to go on. While we are here, we can still remember the good memories & make new ones. We can let go of our lost dreams & make new ones.

You have taught me that.

I hope Papi enjoys his trip. I wish he wasn't going alone. I hope he takes care of himself. I will try & force all the bad thoughts from my mind & pray that everything works out.

If you can, precious angel, please look out for him.
Please ask God to look out for him too.

I love & miss you with all my heart. Every single day.

I will go to sleep now, hoping to dream of you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

~

The opening day for the pool- one of your favorite days.
Always so cute & fashionable; the both of you <3

But we will make sure your
light never fades baby girl. 

Never 

Priorities

Dear baby girl,

It's another rainy day. Sunday. I wish it could be a lazy sunny day, but we have a lot to do as usual. Life continuous. We are always trying to have something to look forward to. Like next week, we are going to see Joshua for his b-day. :)

We haven't seen them since your service last year. It will be the first time going to see them without you. I'm trying not to dwell on that. I know you will be there with us in spirit. I know you will be happy that we finally get to see them after all this time.

We're going with Auntie & the boys, Papi & the family too, so it should be fun. It's also Gabby's b-day too. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go, because I'm out of vacation at work. But one thing I've learned this past year my mouse is that life is short & time is precious. Once we realize what's really important in life, like family, we have to make it a priority. You never know what tomorrow will bring. So you have to just go for it.

.......

Your sisters have been busy with their SOL tests. Sissy has finals coming up after we get back from Tennessee. Then they'll be done with this school year. I can't believe how time just flies.

On my early weeks at work when I get off at 3, I get home just in time to see the middle school kids being let off the bus. It would of been your bus. It never fails to bring me sorrow. I look to see if I recognize any of the kids, imagining you with a group of them, but I don't see anyone I know (many are moving out & new faces moving in). I imagine you, with that beautiful smile, wearing your glasses & carrying your book bag, excited to see me...getting in the car & driving home.

You would of been finishing 6th grade & getting good grades like your sisters. You would of been excited for the summer too, dragging me out to buy new bathing suits, probably making me buy the mermaid towels we saw at Justice last week (one of your favorite stores). I almost bought it anyway. I still might....

I love & miss you so much baby girl.

One day at a time.

.......

Tia Maggie came over the other day & it was nice seeing her. We talked for hours about many things, but especially about grief, love & God. She's very religious. I listened with an open heart & an open mind. I got a lot of things off my chest, she confirmed some of the things I've felt all along & opened my eyes to new ideas too. But the most important thing I got out of our visit was that- God never leaves us. Specially during times of despair. I do believe that he's had a lot to do with helping us heal, like helping us see all the signs you've sent, bringing people to help on this journey & like Auntie says -even bringing me Tia when I needed her the most.

Even though He couldn't save you my mouse, I'm slowly realizing that it wasn't in his power to do so. That, that is not his job. But he is watching over you for now, until I meet you there, reunited again with my beautiful angel.

.......

I've been writing on the other blog too:

https://haileyflies.com/


I've gotten a great response from Facebook- over 2000 views from the two posts. It helps me & maybe it can help another.

Well baby girl, your sisters & the girls are about to have breakfast. If the weather allows, we might go see you again. Or maybe church. I know either way, I know you will be able to hear us telling you:

How much we love & miss you, each & every day.

Fly high baby.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

The flowers I bought you Friday the 20th. The
only sunny day we had all week.

Still counting

My mouse,

I told myself that I was going to try & stop counting the months, just like we had to force ourselves to stop counting the weeks...but waking up this morning it's the first thing I thought of.

Today is a sunny day. I feel like I haven't seen the sun in ages. The birds are tweeting, everything's green. I will visit you today & bring you fresh flowers. I will pray. I will think of you As I soak in the sun & breathe the fresh air. Everything that is beautiful and true, reminds me of you.

I love you forever. I miss you so much.

Fly high baby.

Forever,
Your mommy

Your favorite book, The Knuffle Bunny. You memorized every word
Even before you could read. Sometimes late at night after a long
Day at work I'd read it to you & skip a page, but you'd know
Right away. You'd say, "mommy you skipped a page!" And I'd
Have to read back word for word. We got you the sequel at Bella's
Book fair & placed it in your room. We said that on the first nice day
We'd come by the gardens and read it to you then. Maybe today is a good day. <3

My mouse,

I miss you. I think about you each & every day. Some days there are just no words.

I love you.

Goodnight <3

Mommy

Still trying to learn 

More memories

I have to find the pic of all your babies lined up
On your bed, that you should of been sleeping on
Instead you were sleeping with Bella.

Sisters

And this morning I heard Sissy wish Bella good luck
On hers. I love my girls.

Memories

Releasing

My Angel,

It's been raining for two weeks now, with the sun peeking in between the clouds every now & then. We're trying to make the best of it. Still taking Rocky on long walks in between the rain showers, enjoying warm home cooked meals, snuggling in bed or on the couch; watching our favorite movies, shows, or reading books. Your sisters have been busy studying for their SOL's. But the gloominess can be super depressing and we're all tired of it now. We are ready for some sun!

I've also been thinking of the conversation Tom & I had a couple weeks ago now, about trying to think of ways to raise awareness in your honor. He had a few good ideas, recommending that we set up a website first- somewhere people can go to find out more information about us, about Type One & about any upcoming initiatives we plan.

I set up a website last night, but it looks like just another blog. Sadly, all the names I wanted were already taken: Hailey's Angels, Hailey's Hope, Hailey's Wish & Hailey's Hero's. Even sadder- they are all in dedication to other Hailey's that passed in different ways. :(

So for now, it's Haileyflies. :)

https://haileyflies.com/

It doesn't exactly look like what I pictured, but it's a start. Tom said maintaining it would take some work & possibly be costly. He was right- to have access to more designs, it costs more. Of course. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy, I know that.

Some days it feels overwhelming & I feel like I'd be fine just hiding & grieving in silence. Other days I think the silence would eventually swallow me whole. I know me & I know I have to keep busy. But I have to be careful & pace myself.

I've been reading a book written by the founder of the our support group on FB. She started writing it 6 months after losing her 13 year old son Jesse. She's a major advocate for Type One- started advocating almost right away after her son passed. She warns of doing "too much too soon", after she found herself having a nervous breakdown while working on a big project to honor her son.

That's what I do, my mouse. I read & I write. It helps me. It burns the midnight hours & even the midday hours- like today. Whenever my mind is full & needs releasing....

My job at work & here at home keep me occupied of course. But it's those times in between that I need the most help. I figure if I'm going to lose sleep anyway- I might as well be doing something I love. Beats some of the other alternatives I've read about- like downing bottles of wine before bed! Although it sounds good- it doesn't sound healthy.

So being the book nerd that I am- I read mostly.

I've read so many books my mouse! Not all grieving ones, but all in some way related to love, loss & hardship. They are books that just found me somehow...maybe thanks to you.

I read them one after another, just in the last couple of months. I started with Glass Castle, which I loved. On the back it said...if you love this book, then read Angela's Ashes & A tree grows in Brooklyn. So I did. Loved them all.

 

Then I got the book Brooklyn to read next. But Sissy wanted me to read Love Letters to the Dead first. We were at Target one day and she ran across it. She read the back & it mentioned Kurt Cobain & she was sold. After reading the book, she knew that you sent it to her to read. After reading it, I do too.

I dog-eared so many pages for quotes, but I don't have them in front of me. These are just a few of my favorites.

My beautiful angel.
I'm always trying to find my way back to you.
Trying to keep open minded. Trying to be positive. Trying to believe.

I love & miss you every single day.

Forever,
Your mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mother's Day/Floating

Dear Hailey,

Last night, I asked you to visit me in my dreams and you did. I don't remember much except that we were outdoors with a lot of people (with my friend Jennie & her family, oddly enough), either at a concert or a show...

You & Bella were running around & found us at our seats. You were smiling, wearing light colored shorts with a light top. Your bangs were cut short & they were extra curly (which you never liked), with the rest of your hair half up & half down. My sweet girl.

I held you at some point I think, while you were sitting on my lap. I woke up this morning trying to remember more but it was your image & the feel of your thin frame I remembered the most. Again, looking a couple years younger. And that smile...

I miss you baby girl.

Even in between the waves of grief, I find myself doing my best to just float evenly in this sea of sadness, from one day to the next. Looking into the horizon, waiting & dreading for the next big wave to hit.

*******

Mother's day was nice. Your sisters & Daddy got up early to make breakfast. Bella brought me coffee & strawberries in bed (she finally got to use her tray). Kayla made butterfly biscuits & Daddy made his famous grits. They made pancakes, eggs & turkey bacon too. A nice little buffet. :)

It was really good too. I was glad to stay in & finish reading the book that Sissy recommended  (I'll tell you about that later).

Then sissy & I went to get pedi's while Bella played with Daniella & Natalia. We splurged & got the "Lavender spa" kind with the exfoliating foot scrubs & lotion foot & calf massages. As we were walking out, we saw a Haileyfly flying around & landed right bed of purple flowers in front of the salon. :)

P.S. I got my toenails painted purple.

Mother & daughter Pedi's :)

Haileyfly <3

It made my day to see it. :)


Then Sissy & I went for smoothies & did a little shopping. Later we all went to Papi's to celebrate with the fam. Him & Tio B made yummy food for all the moms. After dinner Alina & Mike made their announcement that they're pregnant! We couldn't believe it, it was a really nice surprise. Sissy said she immediately thought about you- about how happy you'd be to have another baby in the family.

Thinking of it later, I realized this would be the first member of the family you would never meet or ever know....

I had to force myself to quickly zap those thoughts out of head baby girl. It allows the ache in my heart to grow & leaves a lump in my throat so big, I can't talk or breathe....

For all we know, God willed it this way & got the approval from all his angel advisors- including you. I know this shouldn't be a sad thing. I know there will be bigger events in the future that will be more devastating like graduations & weddings; that will forever remind us that you have passed on. Why think of those now either, my angel.

It would be like sitting there floating peacefully- then suddenly standing, arms flailing, purposely splashing, first waking the ocean then frantically calling for the wave to come...

It's not worth it, because I've learned all to well....the wave will come without calling. Whether we will it, whether we're ready...or not.

********

I had to see you at the gardens for Mother's Day too. I wanted to leave the flowers that the family brought you for your birthday (pink & purple tulips). It was busy there because of Mother's Day. It hadn't occurred to me before we went. There were many people there sitting & visiting next to the graves of their mothers or grandmothers. Other graves decorated with Mother's Day balloons, plants & flowers, left from their loved ones before. It was sad to realize exactly how many were spending this day without their mom or grandma. 

And then there was us, the bereaved moms who were spending it without one of their babies, wishing for one more day, one more hug, one more chance to say, "I love you."

Looking for signs that they were there in spirit. Looking for butterflies or shapes of angels in the skies, like this one:



While we were walking Rocky at the end of the day. I looked up to see
these clouds in shape of angel wings...at least to me. And I knew you there
looking down at us saying "Hi Mom, don't worry about me. I'm flying high!
 I love you- Happy Mother's Day."

*******

Today, I'm floating.

Tomorrow maybe I'll swim.

But I promise you my angel & my other two girls-

I will never sink.

I love you all.

Today & forever,
Your Mommy

Mother's Day

My babies,

You are the best thing to ever happen to me. You have taught me & changed me & I am forever grateful to have had you & been chosen as your mommy. The love I have for you has no words & it's so strong I feel as though I could explode.

I'll love you forever,
Your mommy

Your birthday/gifts

My mouse,

Today you would of woke up being 12 years old. I wonder if you would of felt older. I wonder if you still wouldn't mind us calling you mouse. I wonder if you'd still love to play with your babies or collect stuffed animals or play teacher. I have a feeling the answer is no, you wouldn't of minded us calling you mouse & yes, you would still love to play with your babies & animals. Even as you grew older, you were always a child at heart. In all the dreams I've had of you, you are always a couple years younger.

I can't go to sleep tonight without telling you how special your birthday turned out. Even though the inevitable wave of grieve hit; it wasn't enough to overpower the amount of love we have for you little girl. I am reminded daily of how truly powerful love can be.

The first thing we did when we got up yesterday morning was to go to your room to wish you happy birthday. I had bought you a few things here & there to save for this day. It seems like every time I see an angel, butterfly or mermaid...I have an impulse to buy it. I just can't help it. I can imagine in a few years, you needing a bigger room. :)

Then your sisters & I made French Toast for breakfast. We lit your candle & placed it on your placemat & said a little prayer to you before eating. I let them stay home with me because they said they wouldn't be able to concentrate at school...and maybe too because I didn't want to be alone. It worked out because they helped me by making your double layer chocolate cake using Papi's recipe for frosting, which tastes just like cool whip. They did a really great job. :)

While they were doing that, I was pounding out all the meat for the silpancho. I made enough for us, Papi & his crew, Auntie & hers, Tio B & his, and Alina & hers. It was a lot of meat & it took me all morning...with my back hurting & my arm tired but it was worth it. Everyone came & we had a small feast in your name. The kids were so excited knowing it was your birthday & they sung happy birthday to you loud enough for you to hear in Heaven- but we knew very well you were here in spirit. I couldn't help but shed a little tear when they blew your candles out.

I'm so glad we had a chance to celebrate your life this way, baby girl. I wasn't really feeling up to much- losing sleep the last two nights with the grief that was taking over by missing you. I was tired & heartbroken. But then mid-morning, just before I started preparing the meat- I get an email from this extraordinary man. Tom Karlya- "Diabetes Dad". I didn't get a chance to tell you that I talked to him just days after your one year angelversary. The dad of two kids with Type 1, who helped Reegan's mom pass Reegan's Rule. He's much more than that actually & he proved it to me, by writing this article on his website. His email to me yesterday morning was to tell me about the article & to let us know he was thinking of us & you- not only on your birthday, but on his too.

 

 

This is the actual article:

 

A Little Girl Who Lost a Battle........But in Her Name, the War Will Be Won......On Her Birthday. http://diabetesdad.org/2016/05/05/a-little-girl-who-lost-a-battle-but-in-her-name-the-war-will-be-won-on-her-birthday/

I'm sure you knew, it was exactly what I needed to lift me up from my saddened stupor, my angel. I read it through the blur of my tears & was immediately uplifted. It gave me a new sense of hope & reason to go on. I was able to get back on my feet & stay on them for the next 3 to 4 hours preparing & cooking for your birthday celebration.

The people that surround us will not let us sink baby girl. And I know you & God have a lot to do with that. I know our loved ones; family & friends who pray for our strength do too. We are really blessed.

Even complete strangers like this mom I just recently met through our FB support group- who lost her young son to Type 1 & who is now a big advocate in her state....

She wrote me this message when I shared to our group about your birthday:

There are just no words, my mouse as this says it all.

After reading it, I was speechless with gratitude & I was able to fall asleep feeling peace in my heart.

There is power in love & kindness. It's amazing what just a few words of kindness can mean to someone. Between strangers, between grieving moms, between anybody.

I've only really learned this, this past year baby girl. It's not just something cliché to say or just words used to help sell Hallmark cards...It's very real. If I had to think of anything positive that came from losing you my sweet angel- anything that I could remotely call a "gift"- it would be that.

To me, it's the definition of everything good that exists in this world. It's the definition of beauty, hope & God.

My only question is, why do we have to suffer first before we can see it for what it is? Why can't this "gift" be bestowed on us since birth? Just imagine how different the world would be.

I hope it's the world you live in now, my sweet girl.

To imagine I would be realizing this gift, on your birthday.....the world truly works in mysterious ways.

........

You were beautiful, you were loved & you lived.

If I could just remember those words every time a new wave hits...

I will be able to find my way back to you each time.

...........

Alina said yesterday, "I wonder what outfit she would of been wearing for her birthday. She was always so fashionable." We both agreed that it would be pretty regardless, that you would of looked beautiful wearing it with high heels of course & your hair done.

We imagined you this way & it brought a smile to our faces.

I'm sure you were looking gorgeous in Heaven baby girl.

We love you so much.

All the way up to the sky, around the universe & back.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

 

Happy 12 birthday in Heaven

My sweet angel,

It's just about one hour left before midnight...just before your 12th birthday.

I sit here with so many thoughts. My first is to tell you that we went to the gardens today to place some new flowers & birthday balloons. A day early because Daddy has to work all day tomorrow. The rain stopped just long enough for us to stand there for a while talking & crying. We have come to accept that no matter happy or sad; there will always be tears, my mouse.

I would say that I hope you like your flowers & balloons, except that this past Sunday, we were told you do...

Sissy talked to Grandma and she told her Aunt Loni was over again & told her she talked to a lady from her spiritual group. That the lady knew nothing of you before-hand & she mentioned a little girl named Hailey with long brown hair. She said to tell us that you know how we always leave flowers for you & that you love them....and that you can hear us talk to you. She also mentioned something about tweeting or a bird- that part was unclear. Grandma thought it might have something to do with this blog, Facebook or Twitter....I don't know my mouse.

All I thought about, while standing over top of your grave, was that I pray to God it's true. I pray that there is a God & that you are both watching over us. That you can see all that we do for you & for each other & how we are trying so hard to go on. To make you proud & make something out of this thing called life.

I hope that you heard us wish you a Happy Birthday & tell you how much we love & miss you. And that we will try & not cry tomorrow. That we will remember the beautiful life you lived. That even though we only had almost 11 years with you, we will cherish every moment. That even though we feel all this pain now, it still doesn't compare to the happiness that you brought into our lives. That we are the lucky ones, who were chosen as your family.

Your Mommy, Daddy, Sissy & Bella...

Your family that loves you forever. <3

Memories Bday

My heart



I know exactly who's hand is who.