Memory

Tomorrow

My mouse,

Yesterday was an important day for daddy (well for all of us), and he was up early saying a prayer & talking to you on the deck. He went to take Rocky out for a walk & as he bent down to pick up his poopie :), he said a butterfly flew right in front of him. Papi said he had a dream of you the night before.

Then our prayers were answered because later on that morning a nice judge approved for daddy to get his license back (restricted for now but full in January). We were so happy & relieved baby girl. This will relieve so much added stress & allow Daddy a little more freedom & opportunity to maybe look for a better job, etc.

Yesterday was a great day honey. I met daddy's lawyer that helped him & he was genuinely a great guy. He told daddy how great he looked & reminded him of how far we've come & if there is ever a doubt in his mind of what a great person daddy is, all he has to do is go back & read all the nice statements that everyone wrote vouching for him. He told daddy how proud his family must be of him & to keep going. We are & we will...this will definitely help.

I love you my little girl. I'm at work so I can't write much but I was thinking about you as usual. We went to see you at the gardens yesterday too with your sisters to let you know the good news & to tell you how much we're trying to push forward for you & our family. That we miss you everyday it hurts so much but we are still trying to look forward to tomorrow.

Always looking for our Haileyflies & rainbows, always looking for you.

That's all for now my angel.

Talk to you soon.

Love,
Mommy <3

Miracles from Heaven

My beautiful girl,

Yesterday your sisters & I rented & watched "Miracles From Heaven". It was recommended by some of the moms of a new online support I joined, thanks to Heather (Aiden's mom). When I posted your picture & told our story, we got over 100 'likes' & many comments all saying how beautiful you are & how sorry they are...it was touching & it made feel welcome.

But the movie made us ball like babies. :( We expected it to be sad, but didn't expect it to feel so real, for it to bring us back to the beginning...

And left us wondering- Why? Why didn't we get our miracle? How come our baby wasn't saved?

There were some similarities too: 3 sisters, middle child, a 10 year girl named Hailey passing away, butterfly from Heaven....

I don't know baby. The movie & the people in it didn't know either.

No one knows. No one knows why things happen the way they do. But we must still keep our faith & continue to love.

We're trying baby girl. I know you were with us last night as your sisters & I sat there crying & hugging each other. We promised to still have faith & love. We told you how much we missed & loved you.

It still wasn't easy watching somebody else's happy ending when ours wasn't. I couldn't understand the moms who recommended the movie not feeling the same way either. Maybe I should ask them...

There was a scene in the movie when the little girl visits a place like Heaven for a little bit. It was beautiful & magical, full of colors & light. She remembered not feeling any pain anymore. She remembered just being happy & not wanting to come back to Earth.

I hope & pray that is the same for you my sweet angel, that you live in a place like this.

And that one day, "We'll get there." Like the movie said: "One day, we'll get there when we get there."

I love you my sweet Haileymouse.
I miss you everyday.

Sweet dreams,
Forever, your mommy

I told your sisters I've often wondered how different it
Would of been if we'd of had a chance to say goodbye.
But then I don't think I could of bared it, I don't think
I could ever say goodbye. Not ever. Because it's not goodbye remember?
It's see you later my beautiful girl. I can't wait. 

Superheroes

My sweet Haileymouse,

Today was one of the hottest days of this summer so far & it's not even August yet. We're finally home relaxing in the AC after running errands & taking Rocky to the dog park. He doesn't like to walk much in this heat, plus its not really good for him, so we take him late in the evenings or early mornings to get some energy out....

I've seen more Haileyflies in the last couple of days than most of the summer. Last night, when saying bye to Papi, he walked us to our car & there was an orange/brownish one flying around us & landed right on the window of his Tahoe. It stayed there long enough for us to notice & smile & was still there as we drove off.

Not even an hour later we got a text from Daniella saying that his sugar was high & that they took it because he "was feeling weird". I'm worried about him baby girl. He hasn't been taking care of himself like he should after he was diagnosed with Type 2. On top of that he has hypertension & some vision issues due to both. :(

When I was younger, I thought my dad of a superhero; invincible. Now I see he's just a man & that all those years of being a superhero, are starting to catch up to him. :( We've seen & experienced first-hand how fragile life is. How one day everything is fine & beautiful & the next day it can be ripped apart...the thought is still fresh in my mind. So I can't help but worry & get sad. The thought of something happening to him...I just can't even think about it. Even superheroes need to rest...

We're going to try & help him. Maybe go back to the doctors with him or make up some easy recipe ideas- print out lists of foods that he can or can't eat, things like that. I'm also going to pray. Pray that God gives him strength. <3

........

Things are never easy my sweet girl. This life is not for the weak & weary. My dad has always taught us how to be strong & positive. Even when things were bad (which was almost always), we still found a way to fight on, to laugh, to enjoy & be thankful for what we did have.

I'm thankful for that, specially now. I don't think I would of made it this far in life, specially after losing you.....

I love & miss you so much. Yesterday we visited you at the gardens & there was a bouquet of white flowers laying on your plaque. Not sure who, but someone visited you & laid them there. I thought it was really sweet & it made me smile. :)

We cleaned them off & placed them in your vase. We also hung the guardian angel we bought you at the beach. <3

I also wanted to tell you that I got the form back from work & it got 'okayed' to be discussed at their big quarterly meeting! I'm really hopeful because it was okayed by the head of all the nurses, who also came to your memorial service & gave me a rosary made of purple crystals & for your one year angelversary, gave me a sterling silver necklace with a charm that read "You are my sunshine."

She follows your page on FB and is friends with me too. She knows how important this issue is- testing for Type 1 diabetes, not only for me but just in general. I really hope, I pray that something good comes out of this baby girl. Possibly something HUGE! At the very least it will be talked about. That is a step. And that makes me happy....

I know you are watching from above...& when you able, next to us.
But you are always in our hearts.
Every single moment of every single day.
Forever & ever,
Until we see you again.<3

Love,
Mommy

<3

The beauty of sunrises

My beautiful mermaid,

We had a chance to escape to the beach for a couple of days, but I'm sure you know because we felt you there beside us the whole time....

I was upset at first, when we were leaving...some of those same Déjà vu emotions coming back. The packing, remembering how much you loved the beach, how excited you'd be....the sadness of not leaving with you...I just couldn't help it. I brought your purple shell & your shell necklace you made that one year, just to have a little piece of you with us.

I kept reminding myself of our mini beach trip to Ocean City last year, when we saw our Haileyfly on the ocean, just before sunrise. I kept reminding myself of how magical it was, how close to you we felt. How we knew at that moment you were ok. That you were there with us, sending us a sign. That God too was trying to tell us...

Yesterday was another month & we wanted to make sure we were watching the sun come up, to feel close to you again. And we did baby girl. It was beautiful & surreal, being out there on the beach, watching the beauty of the sun rising over the horizon, promising a new day.

Spotting dolphins swimming, the sound of the waves crashing, feeling the cool breeze & cold sand in our toes. Such a calm sense of peace takes over, that we forget for a moment that the rest of the world even exists. For that moment....its just us, you & God.

Yesterday's sunrise

On the far left you can see a glimpse of a man who was swimming
in the middle of the ocean as the sun came up!

<3

Dolphins! There were so many!

This morning's; even more special because it was pink & purple. Two of your favorite colors. <3

Your sisters are good sports to wake up so early to watch the sunrise with
me, but they are always happy they do in the end. :)

Your shell that we brought with us. We decided we will bring it
from now on to every beach trip. :)

We didn't see any Haileyflies on the beach, but we did see many dragonflies. Auntie & the boys noticed like me, that there are more dragonflies than butterflies this year.

There is so much beauty that reminds us of you baby girl. And these last couple of days, as much we hurt because we miss you so, reminded us of how blessed we are too. That we can still see beauty in the midst of all this pain. You have so much to do with that. Your sisters too.

We are still & will always be working on repairing our broken little family & things like this help.

A friend of mine from high school texted me a message, after seeing my post of the sunrise on FB. It said:

"There absolutely are some beautiful things in this cruel world that lots of people fail to see. So lucky you're getting that opportunity."

I don't know if lucky is the right word, my mermaid. I will always be looking for you, just as I was looking for your mermaid tail in that ocean...

Another friend on FB who posted about watching the sunrise too wrote:

"God's love & his beauty is indescribable...if HE gives us this on earth- whatever will Heaven be like?!"

That is what will get me through my days here on earth, to imagine you in Heaven, living in a indiscernible beauty, waiting for me to join you.

I will do everything I can while I'm here on Earth to try & make that happen....to deserve that right. If my love for you & your sisters is not enough, than I will have to try harder.

Goodnight my sweet girl,
Sweet dreams in Heaven.

Forever,
Your Mommy <3

Memories

First baseball game with Auntie <3 always smiling...

Lucky Ones

Dear baby girl,

It's Friday night. Just got back from picking Sissy up from hanging out with her friends at the Promenade. Daniella & Natalia are spending the night so they can go swimming tomorrow. Earlier, we took Rocky to the vet to get a vaccination, went to register him to the place that we'll be using to board him when we go places....if we go places. Went grocery shopping, to Papi's for dinner...

Time passes. Days continue, rolling over into weeks & so on...

Busy is an understatement. Days off don't exist. Part of me is thankful, that we are even able to continue. The other part of me wants to just hit pause. To sit still, in silence....somewhere peaceful.

We did at least get a chance to escape, last Sunday. Daddy had the day off & we found a cool little spot in Maryland- really peaceful & laid back, near the water:

We even took Rocky with us. It was his first time in the water that we know of. He was kind of scared at first but slowly got used to it- but actually had more fun digging holes in the sand. :)

After we swam, we went hiking for the first time with Daddy. It didn't take much to convince him since it lead to another beach area close by. You know Daddy, he loves the water. Even with all the jellyfish, he still jumped right in & swam for a long time. Bella stayed by the shoreline & Sissy, Rocky & I just soaked up the sun...

We saw many Haileyflies my mouse. Nature always makes me feel closer to you, closer to God. It was nice to just get away, even if it was only for a day.

Oh! and Bella found a shark tooth at the second beach we hiked to! It's well known for fossils & shark teeth, but the people there hunting for some said it was hard to actually find one. They were using special sifters and things...we were unprepared, but it didn't matter. She found one & she was so happy.

She said you helped her. :)

 

Calvert Cliffs

It was nice baby girl. Of course we missed you. We are still getting used to trying new things on our own; new restaurants, going to new places...

But it's always as if I'm split in half. Happy to be making new memories with your sisters, but sad that you aren't physically there enjoying it with us. There is a feeling of sadness & guilt that creeps up. It even happens when I hear a new song or see a new movie...

I think; "Oh my mouse would of loved this song. Or loved this movie..." Sometimes I ask your sisters if I'm not sure; did this song come out before or after? Did Hailey know this song? And if the answer is yes, then it almost makes it ok for me to be singing along to it. I turn up the volume even, picturing you liking it & singing it along too...

Oh, my baby girl. I didn't want this to be a sad letter.

So maybe now I'll tell you something good. Something happy. Yesterday, Carly came to visit us. :)

She went to the pool with Bella for a couple of hours, hung out at the house & then we went out for smoothies with Sissy too. It was so good seeing her. It made my heart happy to see them smile & have fun. The last time we saw her was at mass for your angelversary...when Papi said she looked so much like you.

I think it's the sweetness & beauty in her smile & light in her eyes that reminds us...Those warm hugs too. :)

<3

Catching up on gossip ;)

I'm so glad you have friends that love you still & that won't ever forget you. That can talk about you & smile & laugh remembering....even if brings sadness too, they still remember. I will always love her for that.

It's as if I'm being handed a special gift baby girl. Beautifully & delicately wrapped with care. Once I open it, there it is....a treasure box of special memories, moments & secrets passed between you & them. And love. Lots of it.

After all, they knew a side of you that I didn't. You shared moments with them, that I knew nothing about. And I really appreciate them sharing them with me....I appreciate her sharing that with me. :)

It's a gift that I will hold on to forever. <3

We talked, smiled & laughed about the funny, sassy & loveable girl we knew & loved. That we miss & keep in our hearts.

We hugged with grief in our hearts too, remembering....

But we remembered my sweet angel. We will forever be connected by knowing you & loving you. We will be forever connected by remembering you.

Even if a hundred years passed by & we never saw each other or spoke again....

We knew of a beautiful girl named Hailey, who was one of a kind. She was full of life & love. She had the sweetest smile & the funniest laugh & she was the sunshine in our lives. Not only did we know her, but we loved her. And she loved us.

We were the lucky ones.

<3,

Mommy

Your beauty is everywhere

Mouse,

This is the little girl that won your mermaid basket at Jesse's auction, a donation that was made in your name by one of my old high school friends, and a text I got from Dom's mom; all happened this weekend. I also got a message from one of your friends asking if we had any more purple bracelets because hers broke. Then Thursday, Bella made plans with Carly to go to the pool.

We always have you in our heart little girl. There is never a day your spirit is absent from us.

As much as we miss you, we always find a way to keep your memory close. This helps me fill some of the emptiness & ease some of the pain...

Like Wendy says: your beauty is everywhere. :)

It's so true and it warms my heart.

I love you & miss you so much.

Mommy <3

So sweet:)

Big little steps

My Dear Hailey,

I woke up this morning to this post on our support group page. It's from Jesse's mom. Looks like she got our basket. :)

I probably shouldn't be sharing it...because it's a closed group & what we share is confidential...but since it's mainly about you my mouse, I don't think they would mind. I broke into tears when I first saw it.


You will be represented in Michigan baby girl.

She spelled your name wrong, but that's ok.

                                     
It made my heart & my eyes swell, mixed with a deep feeling of sadness but happiness too. Strangers now know your name. They know your face & that sweet smile too. It is bittersweet that I get to share you this way with the rest of the world.

But at the end of the day, it fills up some of that emptiness, baby girl. Even with the tears, this made my day. I went to see you at the gardens before work, so I could tell you all about it.

......

I also told you about how the girls participated in remembering David Brown; the 6 year old boy who passed away last July....the same way you did. :(

For his angelversary, his sister & parents asked that everyone post a picture with him & tag them, so that David's memory can live on & spread awareness world-wide. So we did.

All these small gestures have such an enormous meaning to a grieving parent. It does my heart good to give back some of the support we've received on this journey, my mouse. Because I've realized we can't walk it alone....& the first angelversary is just as painful...all the memories & feelings of despair creep up & feel fresh again, as if it just happened. Just praying about healing, sometimes is not enough. Sometimes... it takes something like this.

.....

One last thing I wanted to share my angel: is today at work there was a memo in our mailbox asking for our input/suggestions on improving/changing protocols & workflows pertaining to our jobs. One of those being the scripts we use to triage patients over the phone. It asked us to use "specific examples" etc. So I did it. I filled it out, suggesting we bring up symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes when members call about cold or flu like symptoms. I suggested we bring them in to be tested with a urine or blood test, or at the very least, speak to a nurse over the phone to be triaged for T1D symptoms.

According to the memo, they will be bringing all our suggestions up at their quarterly meeting that they have with all the department heads & chief doctors etc. It said that they'd look at each individual form we filled out with our suggestions & review it, & that we'd get notified either way....

I probably shouldn't share this either, since it's work related, but I just have to my mouse. My idea could easily be shot down, I know this. In fact, it probably will. But it's still a big deal for many reasons.

1- They never really ask us for feedback on anything pertaining to our jobs.
2- The fact that this will be at least mentioned, maybe spoken out loud among decision makers in our company is something. It's a start.
3- This idea is not a new one for me. I spoke to Diabetes Dad about it before your birthday. I mentioned to him that I was a little skeptical of doing anything just yet, because it's my workplace after all & I don't want to jeopardize my job. But at the same time, I'm also a member & this changes things; it gives me a bigger & more powerful voice. I have an extra advantage, being both.

It's been on my mind this whole time. I don't know what I've been waiting for. Then just like that, this "memo" shows up in our boxes. The timing seems perfect. Not a coincidence at all....

Maybe another sign. Telling me to go on, to have courage, to take that next step.

It's hard for me to do anything at all, my sweet girl, without picturing you in my mind. Writing these letters, reading books, watching movies, taking walks, looking at the sun, stars & moon....everything & anything reminds me of you.

So you can imagine how much more intense the feeling is, when I'm doing something directly that involves you. The feeling of grief & love, each so powerful in it's own right, is doubled.

So overwhelming & forceful, it can pull you under it's crashing wave or keep you from drowning all the same. It's scary. I get scared each day, not knowing which side will win.

It's like that with all the articles, with all the awareness things we've done, with each holiday, birthday, anniversary...and then today, as I was filling out that form.

Grief was trying to pull me apart, picturing you laying on that damn hospital bed...as I wrote the words Type One Diabetes on that form.

Love was giving me the courage to finish & place in my supervisors box for review. Picturing you smiling at me with pride, saying "Good job Mommy. I love you."

I say to myself: Love will win. Love always wins.

And I want to believe it. I really do.

I love you so much my little girl.

I know you are looking out for me. I know God is too. I have faith that what is meant to happen will be. As long as I have breath, as long as I have strength, as long as I am able.

Goodnight.

I miss you every day.

See you in my dreams,
Love, Mommy <3

~

My two mermaids at OBX. 

July

My little girl,

It feels like it's been a while since I've actually been able to sit down & write, but not a day goes by when you are not on my mind.

Your cousins were over last week & the girls had a lot of fun. They baked a cake one night, went to the zoo instead of Kings Dominion (because Sydney's doctor wasn't available to clear her to go on any roller coasters since her soccer concussion), then on their last night I took the big girls to see "You Before Me" (which we loved & hated, but more loved, so much that I finished reading the book last night & already started reading the sequel "After You" :)

The same night a big storm came through & the power went out. Bella & Camryn's plans to go to the pool were ruined but they did the next best thing- they went out to the deck in their bathing suits & danced in the rain. I recorded it, but I can't post it because you know Uncle Chris...

And then.....we saw our rainbow.

It had been a while since we last saw one.
I always look to see...every time it rains, the girls & I always check.
<3

Luckily, the girls got to go swimming the next day. We grilled veggies & Uncle Chris made mac n cheese (Sydney is now a vegetarian). I told them how you barely ate any meat except for Silpancho, chicken nuggets & Chick Filet chicken sandwiches- any other meat with bone or exposing veins you would not touch.

And then they left. It was a good visit, my mouse. Nanny's 95th birthday is coming up in August. Grandmom's been planning her bday party & that will probably be the next time we will see them. Ninety five years old, I can't believe it. Uncle Dan & Brooklyn will be flying over to celebrate too, so your sisters will be in NJ for at least a week, then Daddy & I will meet them there & pick them up....

Grandma said that Nanny asked them to help her plan her funeral too. :( Oh baby girl...life is so complicated. I wish it were different. I wish we didn't have to lose the people we love. I wish we didn't have to worry about sickness or tragedies or even things like distance...

Uncle Mikey's bday passed. July is already going by too fast. I have 3 people now that I constantly miss & think about. Before it was my mom & Mikey & now you too. But at least I can pick up the phone & still talk to them, hear their voices, know that they are ok. Even though distance sucks & we barely get to see them....even though it hurts, a constant nostalgic ache...at least the knowing I can see them or talk to them again eases some of that longing.

That is the part I've been having so much trouble with lately my little girl. The fact that I miss you so much & there's nothing more that I can do, besides what we have been doing...

We go to the gardens & visit you. Sometimes I go alone. We go to church & pray, trying to get that feeling of peace again back in our hearts. We cry & console each other, just like the other night when Bella came in to say goodnight & noticed I was upset. She consoled & reassured me & made me feel better. I told her she has so much of you in her my mouse. Sissy too. That same sweetness & beauty in their soul.

I thank God everyday & pray that nothing, absolutely nothing takes that away.

I love you so much my sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy

Favorite Uncle Mikey <3

Right after you were born. Staten Island, NY <3

July 4th memories

Dear Hailey,

I miss you baby girl. So much that sometimes the days feel like an eternity & the nights even longer...

There's not much I can do but cry quietly to myself. It's hard at night especially. I picture you beside me, telling me about your day. I see you come in my room to say goodnight, with your hair braided in  pigtails, wearing your blue print tank top & short pajamas, holding your pillow sheet in one hand & caressing it with the other...

I can hear your voice telling me Goodnight Mommy, I love you....and I so badly want it to be real. To hug you & never let you go.

My heart hurts. There's always going to be in it, a big gaping hole that I will forever be trying to fill.

I love you so much my sweet girl. I miss your smile. That is what I picture when I think of you. Don't be sad for me, ok? Keep smiling.

One day I will see you again.

Love,
Mommy

Mermaid Hailey basket

My mermaid,

The girls and I just finished your "Mermaid Hailey swag basket" to send & donate to this year's event- Jessepalooza http://www.jessepalooza.org/ & it turned out really awesome!

Jesse passed away from complications of Type 1 Diabetes when he was 13. :( I've told you about him & his mom who's been an inspiration to me. Not only is she a big advocate for T1D, but she is strong & positive. She's really done so many great things to honor Jesse like this annual festival she has to celebrate his life. She's told me that she refuses to let his death define his life. Such a simple way of putting it, my mouse but there is so much meaning behind it. Thinking this way has helped her live fully in his name all these years. It's truly a testament to his life & the way he lived it.

Part of the festival is an auction where they auction off "swag baskets" from all over the country & proceeds go to diabetes organizations for a cure & awareness.

When I asked Jesse's mom what exactly a swag basket was, she said anything really, a basket of goodies with any kind of theme...it could be something that you specially liked. So here it is, I hope you like it too. :)

Love you my beautiful girl. I hope you are swimming all the beautiful oceans & blue seas.

Forever,
Your Mommy <3

Complete with a mermaid tail, your favorite mermaid movie, jewelry, Barbie,
Doll, pillow, sunglasses & case, notebook & stickers...your sisters & I
Picked these all out thinking of you.

We even included a Aqua blue bottle filled with pretty seashells.

Final product. I hope some little girl out there who loves
Mermaids as much as you will enjoy this basket.