Broken record

Dear Hailey,

Another month ending & another holiday approaching. The usual immense feeling of nostalgia has begun creeping up on me.

I try not to sound like my mom- who's sadly stuck in the past, who sadly talks about nothing else, who lives in a constant state of nostalgia...

I try to listen to my own advice to her; to not think about the past so much. That unfortunately we can't change it. That we should make new goals for ourselves & look ahead in the future...

That was the advice I would give her- before.

She would always commend me for being so "positive". She would always say, "I wish I could be more like you." But now I feel as though we are more the same than ever.
...

I don't want to be stuck in the past my mouse. I don't want to sound like a broken record or live in a constant state of nostalgia. But the fact is that I think I always will.

Because the past is where I was most happy- where you still exist. I will always feel nostalgic, because I will always miss you. Because our memories are so precious, I will always play them over & over in my head. Like a broken record.
...

There is small solace in that I haven't yet recorded every memory of us together. I plan to here; here. In small excerpts, I want to remember every moment...

Because each small excerpt belongs to a larger timeline in our lives- the best & most beautiful times.

I can go back to every memory & recall every feeling & for a brief moment, I'm transported back. For a brief moment, I'm happy again.

Maybe in this instance, it's ok to be a broken record. If you're only playing your favorite parts...

This is one of those times:



4th of July memory- 4 years ago. Got a good spot on the beach
waiting for the fireworks. Point Pleasant, NJ









I can still smell the ocean & feel the sand in our toes, the cool breezy wind in our hair. I see the sky darkening & all the boats lining up on the water right by the shore, so they could get a good glimpse too. The beach crowding around us with other families, the excitement building in the air. The fireworks finally come & they are amazing- right above our heads, the biggest I've ever seen.

I look over & see your faces looking up, in awe, eyes smiling...and think to myself. This is it. This must be what life is all about. <3

~

Adventures

My sweet Haileymouse,

It has been just a little over a week that your sisters have been out of school. I guess you can say summer is in full swing now; the heat, humidity, pool, barbeques...our long hot sweaty walks with Rocky.

Things have calmed down a little. Working from home helps now that I don't have the anxiety of leaving your sisters home alone & don't have to waist time on commuting. They get to sleep in & walk Rocky before I get off work, so I don't have to anymore. But sometimes I still do, just to get the exercise. I know I need it, both physically & mentally.

Bella begs either me or Daddy to take her to the pool, usually with Daniella & Natalia (because Sissy isn't a fan). I don't mind picking them up because even though they are not you...they are the next best thing. They have gotten real close these last couple years. Like sisters; like how you used to be...they laugh, play, fight, & laugh & play some more. I don't mind the noise. It's the silence I mind more.

Except in the hours when it's just me & you. When I write you these letters, when I'm out with Rocky looking up at the sky, watching the sunset walking back to the house on the main road...or when I catch a sight of a Haileyfly:

These moments I cherish.

They are my church.
...

I meant to tell you that I saw Carly & Dom at Bella's graduation. It's been a while since I've seen Dom & he got so tall, so handsome! He was wearing a light purple (lavender) shirt & bowtie. :)

Carly looks so pretty too, not a little girl anymore but a young lady. I love running into her, every time she gives me the warmest hugs & I feel a little bit of you. <3

I love them both, their families too. They will always have a place in my heart.

The graduation wasn't as bad as I feared too my mouse. Even though the ache in my heart was present as ever, I knew you were there smiling & cheering your sister on. My pride in her quickly took over & I was able to smile.

At the graduation- you can tell by this pic who likes to
go to the pool & who doesn't. :)

Your sister got the President's award (for all A's), Safety Patrol
& diploma.

She also played your violin in the beginning of theceremony. I don't know if she will be able to use it
next year or if she'll outgrow it, but either way we
will keep it forever.

...

As you can tell, Bella is getting so tall too. She hugged me yesterday & she's already my height. Her hug was at my arm level. It made me think of your big bear hugs, how they used to be at my waist level...it made me wonder if you'd be taller than me too by now. Leaving me behind like your sisters.

If you'd still be giving me those bear hugs, but at arm level too...

I mentioned it today when we went to visit you at the gardens & then Bella turned to give me a big bear hug & squeezed me so hard I couldn't breath. :)

Everyone keeps growing my mouse. And you will forever be 10 years old. :(
...

Auntie Zulen sent me a message a few weeks ago telling me she had a dream of you & your image was older. She somehow tried & managed to recreate the image she saw & sent it to me. I was amazed in wonderment...

The same angel face & hair but somehow a little bit older & taller, more sophisticated. Still beautiful. Oh baby girl, it's exactly what I would of pictured you to look like. <3

Then just this past week, there was talk from my one grieving groups from some parents who used a service that's called "photo progression" or "age progression", where they used their children's photos to project what they would of looked like as they got older. From reading all the comments, its seems like most were disappointed. Either it wasn't what they expected or it was too painful for them to realize the reality of it....that we as parents can only guess & wonder. That we will continue to always guess & wonder...

What can I say baby girl other than I try as hard as I can not to dwell on these thoughts, because I already know how easy it is to be consumed by them.

All I know is my image of you will never change. My beautiful sweet smiling girl, shining ever so bright. <3

But I did appreciate Auntie Zulen letting me know & taking the time to share that with me. It's just like the image of you as a mermaid that I will never forget.

I know you are always watching over them too.
...

A couple more things my mouse. They cut Sissy's hours at work down to almost nothing (due to a lot of college kids back home for the summer), so she applied to one of your most favorite stores & she got the job. :)

Speaking of mermaids, they have mermaid stuff now more than ever. Even mermaid birthday party themed sets. Every time we visit, we always think of you.

Bella is happy too of course, because of Sissy's employee discount. ;)

I'm proud of Sissy for taking the chance, for doing great at her interview, for her maturity & taking responsibility...

She's learning so many things now that she's been working. Some good things, some not so good. About how hard it can be, but also rewarding (when she sees her paychecks). About the value of things. About how harsh people can be, how tiring work can be...

But none of that has stopped her from wanting to go forward. She could easily quit but she hasn't, so I'm proud baby girl. Unfortunately that is life. She still has so much to learn, but one step at a time. I will always be there along the way, if she lets me.
...

Last thing, Bella cut her hair really short today. :0

I think she looks cute, but she doesn't like it very much. I told her she just needs to get used to it. She was looking for a bold change; something new. But I don't think it's what she expected. She didn't even let me take a picture of it. :(

It made me laugh today thinking of the time she was really little & decided to give herself & Juno a haircut. Coming home & finding trails of hair from the front door to the living room- hers & the dogs. She looked like Joan Jett for months.

I even had a picture saved on my phone from "FB memories" the other day. :)

It was the best the lady at the hair cuttery could do at the time.
She doesn't have the bangs this time, & a couple inches shorter.
~ I love this memory. Our favorite Chinese place,
on a dinner date with my girls. ~

It's adorable, even Daddy said so & you know he's not a fan of short hair...
...

Oh my angel. To have all these new adventures without you. Even the smallest ones. Makes me miss you even more.

To tell you about them through these letters & through my prayers.

I wonder if it will ever feel "right" or "normal".

But for now, it's all I have. All I can do.

And I know through it all, I know you are looking down.

And you are here, existing in our hearts...

Always, always in our hearts.

We love you & we miss you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

I've been seeing so many purple butterflies online lately.
Then today at the grocery store we saw this purple one,
the last one left among other pink & orange ones. We just
had to get it. Like we told you at the gardens; no special
occasion needed to let you know we were thinking of you-
how we always think of you & keep you in our hearts. <3

Patience

My mouse,

We were just talking about how you were so good at the "puppy dog face" to get what you wanted. How once I overheard you teaching Bella how to do it....saying, "See Bella, this is how you do it." I glanced over & you had the look down pat with the pouty lips & sad looking eyes. I cracked up then & it made us laugh now.

Yesterday we laughed remembering your big loud powerful sneezes, which we all agreed you got from me. I just can't help it. We laughed every time we heard you sneeze, I would ask, "How does such a big sneeze come out of such a little girl?" You would laugh in return.

We also talked about how you would bribe Bella to play babies. I would hear you sometimes whispering in her ear & I knew. I would ask you, "Hailey, what are doing?!" You would go silent...then get mad at her for being caught.

The other day while walking Rocky we recited ours & your favorite parts from Just Go With It. I told your sisters how when we watched it just recently I realized how inappropriate it was & I can't believe I let you watch it back then. I guess I figured you wouldn't even get the adult jokes, but either way it was one of your favorite movies. We laughed & remembered while walking back home...

All these precious memories that are so bittersweet my angel. Only because as much as they make me smile, they make me miss you too. So much that the ache in my heart gets bigger & it makes it hard to breathe.

I miss you so so much.

I love you so so much too.

I know you are making other angels smile & laugh in Heaven too with your big sneezes & puppy dog looks.

My mouse. I can't wait to see you again. Sometimes it feels like I can't wait anymore. But I remember that I'm not done here yet & your sisters still need me. That life is short & once I get to you our time together will be infinite.

I just have to hang on.

I know you will wait for me. Like the movie The Shack said, there is no impatience on your side. But there is in ours. I just have to learn, I don't have a choice.

Goodnight my sweet & beautiful girl.

Maybe I'll see you in my dreams.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

The Shack

“(God speaking)...just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means that I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack    

“Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.”  

“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.”  
― William Paul Young, The Shack

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but a the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”  

“Evil is a word we use to describe the absence of Good, just as we use the word darkness to describe the absence of Light or death to describe the absence of Life. Both evil and darkness can only be understood in relation to Light and Good; they do not have any actual existence. I am Light and I am Good. I am Love and there is no darkness in me. Light and Good actually exist. So, removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness. Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself. That is death because you have separated yourself from me: Life.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack  

“Don't forget that in the midst of all your pain and heartache, you are surrounded by beauty, the wonder of creation, art, your music and culture, the sounds of laughter and love, of whispered hopes and celebrations, of new life and transformation, of reconciliation and forgiveness.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity   

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― William Paul Young, The Shack    
...

My mouse,

We watched this movie last night & we were in tears. We could relate to so much in this movie. The way they explained God, Jesus & loss made sense to us...

In the end, he sees his little girl playing in a field filled with beautiful flowers along with Jesus & other children.

It made me cry picturing you the same way...

And there were butterflies too at the very end. <3
...

As soon as the movie was over Bella & I took rocky out to pee & saw this. It had been raining earlier...



So bright & beautiful.



<3

What can I say my angel?

With all my anger & pain & stubbornness I feel like I'm being guided from the darkness into the light. Not by my own will...but by some stronger power. I feel helpless once again, but this time not in a bad way.

Because I feel like it's that same power that shows me these rainbows & sends me my Haileyflies...letting me know that you are near, that you are ok, & that I will see you again. Begging me to believe, to forgive, to continue to love.

And with every rainbow & Haileyfly that I see...I am.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

You & your babies. <3

Father's Day <3

Congress Day

My angel,

Today I met Debbie & another advocate mom in DC for our meeting with her state representatives' aides. The meeting was to talk about possible federal funding for T1D awareness programs. It was a long hot humid day. It was quite an experience.

I don't know how productive the meeting itself was baby girl. We were there a long while, went over the binders Debbie prepared for us- filled with info about Type One, the BTO awareness programs, letters from many important people & random parents explaining their stories & the importance of awareness...

I'm pretty sure we got our point across. Specially after I told our story my mouse.

I got the feeling they genuinely cared & understood the cause. But the short answer & response we got is that "because of the new administration (president)", many of the existing programs (for type 2, for example) are getting cut this upcoming year & there is little to no money left for any new programs.

That even if there was, it takes years to approve & receive funding. That we are off to a good start with meeting & "having continuous conversations" about our cause with education & awareness. That our visit wasn't a waist of time, because all the existing programs today started where we are. That we should continue following up with them with any updates every 6 months. But to try at the state level to requesting funding in the meantime, & with organizations like Beyond Type One.
...

So there it is baby girl. Again I found myself sitting with a room full of strangers, besides Debbie, telling our story in a state of tears & emotion.

They did let me know at the end how much they appreciated me coming in person to tell our story. That they often meet with lobbyists who are there lobbying for different causes but it's the meetings they have with their constituents that they remember the most. That they learned a great deal about Type One & learning about it on a personal level makes a difference...
...

It was good to hear baby girl.

But in the end we were given little hope. They were honest in telling us that the government & health care especially is in a state of chaos right now. That they are busy dealing with the change in administration & all the changes in government. That even though we are doing good working towards this goal, it's a far reach to search for an immediate solution...

Oh my mouse.

It feels like we are trying to slay a dragon sometimes.
...

In the meantime there was news of another little boy who passed away in Wales of undiagnosed Type One. They thought he had the flu. I don't know how many deaths it will take... :(
...

Which is why I'm glad I went my angel. Even though it's painful & exhausting to tell & retell...it gives me purpose, keeps my promise to you & will possibly save another life.

My sweet girl.

This Sunday is Father's Day. Auntie's birthday was this past week. The girls are officially done with school.

Time keeps moving on, but I still live day by day, hour by hour.

I will put my trust in the greater power & trust in Him or her or it...or whomever to get me through, to find my way. I will continue to look up at the stars & look for you in the sunrises & sunsets.

I will take comfort in having your sisters, Daddy & the family for support.

I will continue to love & miss you, every single day.

Forever & ever,
Mommy

~

A sign

My angel,

I had a hard morning yesterday. If you were watching you probably saw me struggling. I was home alone & went straight to FB & my bereavement group for help. I asked for prayers to get me through the day.

Then this happened a little later when I ordered pizza for dinner, right before Bella's graduation ceremony:

The receipt taped to the very front- with your name,
spelled the same way right there in plain view. <3

It made me smile.

Was it a sign from you or God? Some say the signs are from our angels, some say they are from God. What I feel is that it's you- but maybe that's what I rather believe.

Either way, I know it's to tell me that you're near & that you are ok. That's what counts.

Sissy said she thinks she knows this girl named Hailey that works at the pizza place, that she goes to her school. Don't think she likes her, but that's ok...

I just knew it wasn't a coincidence. I was exhausted from crying all morning & by the time your sisters came home from school I had no energy to cook. I randomly picked a menu from our box on the kitchen counter; a place we've been to before but never had food delivered from. Something new.

Moments later, I'm seeing your name there. Smiling thinking this can't be a coincidence. Remembering all the other times I felt just as crushed & receiving a sign from you...asking myself why can't I just remember this each time I start to feel like I'm drowning? Wishing I could, but knowing it's just not that easy...

I don't know baby girl.

If only it were that easy. To be able to control one's feelings.

But I do know that at my weakest point I asked for prayers & feel as though somehow, someway, they were answered.
...

I will tell you about the rest of the evening later. More happier moments.

For now, just know that I love you so much. Each & every moment, for the rest of my life. My heart will be with you.

Goodnight.

Love,
Mommy

Patience

Dear Hailey,

Tonight I find myself feeling extra tired, frustrated & overwhelmed. You know how I feel about prayers, but I'm in need of one tonight.

Here are a few I found. Hopefully they will help....

I will close my eyes & remind myself that tomorrow is a new day.

I love & miss you every single day.

Mommy <3

Prayer for patience and understanding

Dear Lord, please help me.

I lay before you my tiredness and ask for new energy.
I lay before you my frustration and ask for more patience.
I lay before you my resentment and ask for peace.
I lay before you my judgement and ask for inspired understanding.
I lay before you my anger and long to be forgiving.

Please help me, dear Lord.
...

"Lord,

Here I am facing a new day. I know that without yielding to your calmness and contentment, I will succumb to frustration and irritation. 

I seek your help today. 

Make me more aware of my emotions and my attitudes. Remind me that I have control over the attitudes that I choose to present to the world. 

Remind me that I can learn to overcome every challenging situation today by putting on the shoes of peace and displaying an even temper. 

Remind me to show kindness. 

Give me more ability to receive your love and give it away to others today.* 

Help me to work hard and do my best. But help me to care more about loving others than I care about getting tasks done. "

Dreams

My little girl,

I miss you so much. Some days I can still go on missing you & continue with the day...the tears stay away & I can manage to still breath. But some days I can't.

It's been harder to breath these last few days.

I was telling you this last night as I said goodnight, as I do every night. Then this morning I woke with images of your smiling face, thanks to a dream I had of you. As usual, you are younger in most of my dreams. You had half of your hair up with curly bangs in the front...

You were your sweet, silly, funny, smiley self.

What I remember of the dream, is first we were on rafts floating on some kind of river, like a lazy river. We were all separated & I found your sisters first, one by one. I asked where you were, if they'd seen you. We kept on rapidly floating on until I finally spotted you. You were standing in the water, waist deep, surrounded by a bunch of little kids just playing away.

I shouted your name to get your attention & you looked up smiling; your happy & playful self.

I told you to come over to my raft & lifted you up. I asked where you were, why didn't answer your phone. You took it out of your pocket & it was wet & muddy & you laughed, answering that it wasn't working because it was wet.

Next thing I remember we were in a small store, shopping for a new phone & you were smiling ear to ear because you were getting a new phone...

Then my alarm woke me up & that was the last thing I remember.
...

I don't know if it means anything, but no matter it's always a gift to see you in them. Specially when you are smiling & happy, just the way I always remember you to be.

But the truth is, I rather you be here with me. You should be here with me...

I don't know if its ever going to be okay that you are not. That's the hard pill to swallow baby girl. To have to rely on only dreams & memories when every part of me is calling out for you.

These are the moments I hate the most. But I'm trying not to hate...I don't have room for it.

I'm also trying to remember what Bella's therapist said; You will have the bad days when you feel as if you've been knocked down. It's ok. The important thing is to pull yourself back up.

I'm still on the floor, but I'm trying to get back up.

I love you my sweet girl.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

 

~

Still true today...I guess this is how we still go on...

~

Enough is enough

My sweet baby girl,

There are so many things I want to tell you but there aren't enough hours in the day. It seems harder & harder to find some quiet time to write lately. Hopefully after your sisters finish school, things will quiet down. They are counting down the days...
...

When I visited you at the gardens some weeks ago, I told you about how disappointed I was from the response we received from the VA-AAP last month. That while they didn't exactly reject to be a part of the T1D awareness campaign from BTO- they only stated they agreed to distribute the awareness material at their conferences from now until the end of the year. They "thanked us for bringing this important cause to their attention & spreading awareness" & that was that.

This came as a surprise to me & Debbie, specially since just a few weeks back the lady there told us they voted yes to the campaign in the initial meeting...that they were taking a final vote soon but she didn't foresee any issues etc. etc..

This news came just after your anniversary, around your birthday, when my heart & mind was already hurting. So I had to step away from the whole thing, because I just couldn't add anything to my plate.

Debbie & even the CEO from BTO followed up with them, to once again explain the importance of the campaign, how as we speak, many more states have started to launch the campaign, how great it would be if VA could be one of them...etc. etc...

I don't think they've received a response as of yet.
...

When I spoke to Debbie on the phone, we were trying to figure out what happened. We felt as if we let each other down & then re-assured each other that was not the case. She was the one who delivered all the hard facts about Type One, shared her story of how she almost lost her son. Then me, well you know if you were watching baby girl- I poured my heart out telling our story.

Maybe this scared them in the end. I don't know. We don't know & could only guess because no reasons were given. It made us sad & mad because in the end, who will end up hurt by their decision- the families that will lose a another child to this stupid disease. I pray this does not happen. God forbid, it will be on their consciousness, not ours. :(
...

It's frustrating my angel.

Despite all this, I promised you I would not give up. I promised you that we could continue to spread awareness & keep fighting.

Which brings me to the next subject. Also during your anniversary, when we did the Random Act of Kindness day- we learned of another little boy who just lost his life to misdiagnosed T1D in Texas. He was 11 years old. :(

His mommy's co-worker found out about us through your RAOK day on Facebook & she friended me. She sent me a message last week asking for some advice because she said his mommy isn't doing well. That he was her only child & she's blaming herself even though she took him to the doctor TWICE & twice, they told her he had something else. :( She asked if it was ok to give her my info to get in touch. Of course I gave it to her...

It breaks my heart. I'm broken for her my angel. I have prayed for her & can only hope that God gives her some strength. She has not reached me yet- hopefully she will when she is ready. But her little boy has been on my mind.

Since then too, our T1D bereavement group was introduced to a dad who also just lost his son to Type One Diabetes, undiagnosed- passed away in his sleep. :*(

That's two more lives in two months. That we know of....that are not in newspapers or in the headlines...

Two more young lives lost unnecessarily.
...

It has brought me back some of that raw grief from the beginning baby girl.

It's made me even more furious at this disease. More furious that no one cares enough (doctors, insurance companies, the government) to do anything about it. That more lives are being lost.
...

So I did something last week that I've been thinking about doing for a while but was hesitating...

I sent a email/letter to the CEO of my company.

I told him what happened to us. I explained that I feel I have a duty not only to you but to our members to make sure we can find ways to spread awareness & educate them about T1D. That I've tried through other channels within the company & have had no luck, so I'd appreciate any feedback he can give.

I have not heard back yet.

I don't know exactly how much I can write about it here without getting into trouble, so I will stop there.
...

I don't know what, if anything will come of it baby girl. But this just can't continue. Enough is enough. We cannot stop here.

Debbie & I are going to meet with her congressman's aid in DC next week so we could talk about federal funding for Type One Diabetes awareness programs. It's a long stretch, given there are neck deep in other issues, "more important" issues...

But that's why she asked if I would join her. Maybe if they hear our story face-to-face, it will make it real for them, like it's already real for us.
...

I love & miss you my little girl.

One day this will all be over. I will be with you again & none of this will matter.

But it matters now.

How many more angels will have to join you before something can be done?

Until then, we will keep fighting.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

Your laugh

Haileymouse,

Yesterday I had a lot of rude customers on the phone (typical for Fridays) & I started to make smart comments back- only in my mind or out loud (which I can do now that I work at home :) after they hung up of course...

When I also started to hear your laugh. I pictured you too, laughing at me in the background. That cute funny contagious laugh that we miss. It was so clear in my mind...when suddenly I swear I heard your voice in the background too. I heard you call my name, so clear & loud enough for me to pause what I was doing & listen for it again.

But I didn't hear it again. Just that once.
...

I guess you've just been on my mind baby girl.

I remember how you'd be the only one to really laugh & get a kick out of my corny jokes. How you'd crack up when I was in a silly mood. While I got the eye roll from Sissy or the smile/laugh or eye roll from Bella...you would be the one to crack up & say, "Mommy, you're so funny!"

I miss that. Maybe so much so that I've been acting more silly these last few days just so I can hear & picture you laughing in the background. <3

The girls remember & agree too- that out of all three, you'd be the one to better appreciate my silly side. ;)

Sissy said she can always picture you & hear you laughing like you did that one time, when we were watching American Idol auditions & the one funny looking guy came on doing some kind of yodeling or something & you just cracked up like never before...

I mean you fell off the couch laughing, holding your stomach and rolling on the floor. You made us all crack up too. It was the funniest thing my mouse. We will never forget. You watched it over & over weeks later & cracked up just as much each time...

Sissy remembers the guy's name I think. I will ask her if she remembers & see if we can find it on YouTube to attach here.
...

Those are good memories. The best.

To remember your laugh, your silliness- your joy & happiness. This is what we always want to remember. Maybe that's why I replay it in my head, so I don't forget.

In the beginning, if someone would of asked if I would ever smile or laugh again- I would of answered no; never.

But little by little baby girl, we somehow regained our strength back enough to smile again. It's only with help from you- by remembering your light, which keeps us out of the darkness.

I will keep replaying it, if that's what it takes.

If hearing your voice & laugh again, even if only in our heads...requires us to replay the memories, we will.

And I will always picture you too- in the background, laughing at your corny silly mommy, while your sisters give me the old eye roll. I will look & smile back at you & wink.

Our own little secret.

I love & miss you everyday.

Forever,
Your mommy

~