Rituals

My sweet girl,

Today is the last day of January. All the big holidays & birthdays of the winter season have passed. The next one to plan is Papi's 70th in March. I'm going to put some effort & energy into trying to plan something special & memorable.

Not only is it a special milestone, but it will give me something to think about other than dread the couple of months after that.
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Winter hasn't left us yet though. After a few days of teasing Spring-like weather, we're back to freezing temps. I know your sisters are hoping for at least a couple more snow days. We'll have to see...
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Yesterday I missed you so much I had this longing feeling to see your beautiful face & to hug you & never let you go...

Even though it was freezing Bella & I went to see you at the gardens, not only to change your flowers from Christmas to Spring colors (they throw away all the Christmas decorations on Feb 1st), but to say a quick hello.

Sissy had to work, but she especially picked these flowers out for you on her own.

During Christmas, she asked if she could pick out your flowers next time & I was so delighted she asked, I said of course. It really warmed my heart that she wants to take part. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is baby girl.

It has more meaning than anyone knows. It's somewhat of a ritual that helps with grieving & healing. As a parent, it's all I have left to do for you as far as "taking care of you"- the part of me that still feels the need to because I will be your mom forever....

I forget that your sisters need this too. So I'm glad she brought it up, I'm glad she asked. They are beautiful. They look like you. <3

I told them they can take turns picking out your flowers every season. Bella can't wait for her turn.
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This big beautiful full moon appeared while the sun was setting at the gardens & I had to take a pic:

It looked so much bigger in person.

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The longing feeling never leaves me my angel, but some days it's harder than others. Today it's still one of the harder days.

I try to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied. But it's also good to let it out, to write these letters...

I love & miss you so much.

I know you are doing great things in Heaven.

I want you to know that I'm so proud of you & I can't wait to see you again so you can tell me all about it.

I want you to know that when I look up at the sky I always smile knowing that you are up there doing these great things, the work of an angel. <3

I love you my mouse.

Today & always,
Your mommy

Etched

Dear Hailey,

I look at this pic from Bella's birthday 3 years ago; how familiar things look, yet how different things are now.

We are still living in the same house. I still have those plants, furniture & decorations. Those beautiful smiles of my girls, so familiar to my heart & soul. Two have changed except one.

In those three years, two have grown up & matured faster than they should, gotten taller, otherwise not much altered. But one has stayed the same. She will always stay the same. Forever 10, while her sisters get to keep growing & celebrate more birthdays.

I will have this picture forever etched in my heart. These days will always be my "good ole days."
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If only we could stay like that, frozen in time, during those good ole days.

But we can't baby girl. I've learned this the hard way. We must go on somehow. We can't live or be stuck in the past. It's so hard to do, one of the hardest things that I'm still trying to learn. Specially when the past has you in it...

We still make memories, the best way we could, always imagining you here with us, but it's not the same.
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Three years later, your sister turned 12. We didn't have a party at home, but she got to celebrate with her friends yesterday by going to see Paddington (still a kid at heart) & then pizza, saltenas & cake with the family today.

One of the friends she invited was Addison (Dom's sister) & I got to see their mom Wendy yesterday. It's always nice to see her friendly face. She will forever be a reminder to me that there are good people in this world that really do care. I will always consider her a friend, who reached out & brought some light in a time we were stuck in the darkness. She knew you, they knew you & will never forget. <3
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Bella had a lot of fun baby girl. I was happy for her. Grief didn't make an appearance yesterday, for her at least.

Today we got to see Papi's new house! It's true, baby girl. He officially bought it last week. After all this time...we're all really happy for them.

It's bittersweet of course. So many memories at the old house, the basement.

I can remember when we got back from Bolivia, Papi said he had flashbacks of you running down the stairs to the basement, beating Bella & Sissy & barging in the door, running straight for the baby. He said he won't every forget you doing that every single time. It broke his heart. It breaks mine too.

So many memories. Etched into our hearts.
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Things are constantly changing baby girl, they don't stay the same.

We will keep on making new memories of course, but it will be different.

They're not moved in yet, but we went back after eating saltenas & pizza to take a look at the house again, trying to picture them in it.

But the old house, the old basement, all those memories. We won't forget.

Memories, etched in our hearts & minds. The only things that can't change, the only thing no one can take away from us.
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Tonight I will thank our blessings. I will say a little prayer for Auntie, who got into a car accident & isn't feeling well. :( Please look after her if you can.

Also, I will say a little prayer for a friend from high school who just lost her daughter to depression. She took her own life. :( This broke my heart & I was in tears when I read her post on Facebook. I'm praying so hard for her.

Life is so hard baby girl. Even as we count our blessings there are bad things that happen & we can't help but question- why??
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I miss you with every breath I take.

Everyday I say hello, good morning & everyday I say goodnight, sweet dreams, until I see you again.

I love you my sweet angel. Forever, etched into my heart.

Today & forever,
Your mommy <3

Making memories for your sisters.

Flu season

Another death occurred due to Type One Diabetes being mistaken for the flu. His name was Hunter, 14 years old. He was a twin, his brother also diagnosed but lived. :(

We will never stop educating. Rest in peace Hunter. <3

Mouse, if you see this soul in Heaven, I know you will say hi.

Love you,
Mommy

Bella's bday

My sweet Hailey,

We missed you today. Your baby sister turned 12, I can't believe it. As always with bdays, a certain nostalgia sets in. I'm feeling it especially now, thinking of you girls when you were little. How close you have been since birth.

I was pretty good all day. The waves of grief were in the horizon but kept at bay.

I got up early to make pancakes & stayed busy. It happened to be Daddy's day off & he woke up early too to have a bday breakfast & see your sisters off to school. As always, we lit a candle in your name. I know you were there baby girl, but I still missed you.

Bella opened her presents & changed into one of her new bday outfits. She was happy. :)

She also made me buy 24 cupcakes for her friends at lunch, which she carried all the way to the bus stop. She came home saying the whole entire cafeteria was singing to her & how random kids she didn't know came up to her asking for cupcakes & told them no....

Your sister has a way of telling stories in such an enthusiastic & funny way, she always makes us smile. She reminds me so much of you. <3

Later we went to have a yummy dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, it was a great day after all.
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I know I haven't been writing as much lately, yet I have so much to tell.

Instead of figuring out where to start, I will start, as always with what's in my heart.
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Tonight it's these pics I pulled up from Bella's baby albums:

These memories is what I want to remember tonight, my sweet girl.

Your happiness & curiosity when we brought Bella home from the hospital. How you used to watch over her & laugh at ever coo or movement, how you would crack up when she passed gas. :)

How you would call her Bella, even though her name is Isabelle.

How out of all the babies you were going to fall in love with after Bella, she was your first.

How sweet & cute my 3 girls were.
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I will leave it at that for tonight my angel.

If I'm lucky I will fall asleep early with these beautiful images in my head.



I can't imagine how tall you'd be right now, but I
imagine taller than your sister & she's already as
tall as me. Wearing that same sweet smile.

<3

...

I love & miss you my sweet angel.

We all do.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Little Women

My beautiful girl,

I've been finding it hard to sleep these past few weeks. At first, I thought it was just from being anxious to go see Uncle Mikey. Now that has come & gone. :( And yet another sleepless night.

I've even gone through an entire book in a little over a week- "Little Women", a classic. I chose it after watching a trailer for an upcoming remake their doing; a series, in May. It felt like one of those times I felt a magnet attracting me to a certain movie, song or book & I read it, saw it or heard it & sure enough there was a message in it, that had to do with you. <3
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And sure enough it did.

It's a story about the lives of sisters. One of them named Beth, whom the family regarded as the "pet mouse." She was sweet, kind & generous, played with baby dolls (gave special attention to the invalid one, like you would after Juno would chew their arms & legs. I'd say, Hailey throw them away, they're all chewed up. But you refused & would dress them up & give them extra love anyway). She loved animals too, specially her kittens.

She passes away young too. :(


“There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women    

“I’m not like the rest of you; I never made any plans about what I’d do when I grew up; I never thought of being married, as you did. I couldn’t seem to imagine myself anything but stupid little Beth, trotting about at home, of no use anywhere but there. I never wanted to go away, and the hard part now is leaving you all. I’m not afraid, but it seems as if I should be homesick for you even in heaven.”   :(

“There were six dolls to be taken up and dressed every morning, for Beth was a child still, and loved her pets as well as ever. Not one whole or handsome one among them; all were outcasts till Beth took them in; for, when her sisters outgrew these idols, they passed to her.... Beth cherished them all the more tenderly for that very reason, and set up a hospital for infirm dolls. No pins were ever stuck into their cotton vitals; no harsh words or blows were ever given them; no neglect ever saddened the heart of the most repulsive: but all were fed and clothed, nursed and caressed, with an affection which never failed.”

“If life is often so hard as this, I don't see how we ever shall get through it…”  

“For with eyes made clear by many tears, and a heart softened by the tenderest sorrow, she recognized the beauty of her sister's life—uneventful, unambitious, yet full of the genuine virtues which 'smell sweet, and blossom in the dust', the self-forgetfulness that makes the humblest on earth remembered soonest in heaven, the true success which is possible to all.”  

“Beth could not reason upon or explain the faith that gave her courage and patience to give up life, and cheerfully wait for death. Like a confiding child, she asked no questions, but left everything to God and nature, Father and Mother of us all, feeling sure that they, and they only, could teach and strengthen heart and spirit for this life and the life to come.”  

“Then it was that Jo, living in the darkened room, with that suffering little sister always before her eyes and that pathetic voice sounding in her ears, learned to see the beauty and the sweetness of Beth's nature, to feel how deep and tender a place she filled in all hearts, and to acknowledge the worth of Beth's unselfish ambition to live for others, and make home happy by that exercise of those simple virtues which all may possess, and which all should love and value more than talent, wealth, or beauty.”  

And there was more my mouse.

There was a scene with the family, the first Christmas without Beth where they missed her but also felt her presence & said their family would always include her, because without her, they were incomplete.

Sound familiar?

Of course I cried while reading it...
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Another sign? I feel like it is. The most touching part to me was when she said that as much as she'd love to be in Heaven, she'd still feel homesick. That pierced my heart, because it made me wonder if you are homesick too? :(

Oh baby girl....

This is what I do when I'm not writing to you. I'm either reading or watching a movie related to grief. Working on puzzles...I mean besides everyday regular life. I have to make time for these things because it's how I cope. I don't seem to have a choice.

And I'm constantly being directed to do so with these subtle signs. It's what's been sustaining me.

I guess there are worse things.

At least they seem to help. They seem to be working...
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I miss you so much.

Every single minute of the day.

And I love you with all my heart & soul. My beautiful angel.

In the book all the sisters talk about their "castles in the sky".

I hope & pray you are living in your very own castle in the sky.

I know you are.

Goodnight for now.

Sweet dreams.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

~

<3

Bday memories

Baby girl,

I have shared this before but I don't mind sharing it again. I will share it year after year & remember it in my heart always.

I can close my eyes & hear you say these words to me, that are worth more to me than gold.

I don't feel like such a failure when I read your beautiful words. I feel like I've done at least something right in my life...

I love & miss you so much, every day, but specially days like today.

Today I also closed my eyes & felt your big bear hug.

I wish you were here to give me a real one.

Sending you big kisses in Heaven.

Love always,
Mommy ,3

Mouse,

We got to TN safe Friday & will be leaving today. Julian is so adorable & tiny. I know if you were here, none of us would have a chance to hold him, which would be ok. We would sneak it in while you were playing with Joshua...

He's gotten so tall & handsome too. <3
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The time to say "see you again", comes so fast. But we've enjoyed our trip so far. It's been great seeing my brother's face, who becomes more & more of a man every time I see him. And Auntie Zuli too, who is holding up amazingly after just giving birth a couple of weeks ago.

It makes my heart happy.

I love & miss you mouse. I know you're here because I can feel your presence. Your name has been spoken many times too. Anytime we can say your name without tears & smile instead, it makes my heart happy too.

Today when we say, it's not goodbye, it's see you again, we will think of you. <3

Love always,
Mommy

Plans

My beautiful girl,

We've made plans to visit Uncle Mikey & family at the end of the week. Tomorrow is already Wednesday, so I'll be busy preparing for the trip. I wanted to write tonight, because I don't know when I'll get the next chance...

This trip won't be the like the ones we've made in the past- our usual Fall visits in October, filled with beautiful fall scenery on the way. I'm not sure what to expect of this crazy Winter weather we've been having. Also, it's just me & your sisters. Everyone else has to work. :(

But I'm still excited to see them & meet Julian. I miss my brother & it's been way too long. And of course, I'm excited at the chance to get away, even if just for the weekend, even if there will be no Fall trees to admire.
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That's as far as we've gone as far as planning, even though this month brings birthdays for me & your sister. But this trip will be present enough. I don't make plans anymore like I used to.
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We had a little early & late bday celebration with me & Daddy this past weekend, when we went to see Chris Rock (our bday & Christmas present from Sissy :). It was so sweet of her & it was an awesome gift, because we both love him & we needed some laughs. And laugh we did.

But the only pics we got was right before we left, since we weren't allowed to use our phones during the show.



Rocky peeking in the background. :)

It was good for us baby girl.

We get so used to the routine sometimes, we forget that it's healthy to break from routine once in a while. To remember us. I'm glad Sissy remembered for us.
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Having goals & things to look forward to. I'm trying to keep this in the forefront. Somehow they are different than making plans.

To still live one day at a time.

Soon enough April & May will come & with it another great wave of grief. But I try to avoid thinking of that & only think about good things to come.
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I had another dream of you last night, which I couldn't quite all remember this morning. All I know is when I woke up to my alarm, it was from a deep deep sleep & I had a vision of a much younger you- as you normally appear in my dreams.

My little mouse. And I remember holding you. And your hair. Your beautiful hair.

The night I went out with Daddy, I thought of you as I got ready. I was alone & missing you. Imagining you there watching me as you would always do...

I decided to do something different & curl my hair. When I went down to show Bella, she said in excitement, "It looks so pretty! It looks like Hailey's mermaid hair!"

Not as pretty.

It made me smile.
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I visited you at the gardens asking that you come with us, on the trip. I know that you will if you can, in spirit, & as always, in our heart.

I asked God to watch over our loved ones that need it right now. That he protect them & keep them safe. I know that he will if he can.

I love you my angel.

I miss you everyday.

I got to hug & hold you in my dreams. That will have to suffice for now...

Until I see you again.

Some days I think how fast time flies & I don't fret because I know that time will come soon...

Other days it seems like forever. Some days nothing suffices.
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For today, it will have to be enough.

I'll go to sleep hoping to see & hold you again.

Goodnight.

Sweet dreams.

Love always,
Your mommy <3

Memories

Never forget to lift & help each other up.

Never forget about the simpler days. How free you felt.

Never forget the laughs.

Never forget about the love.

Motivation

Baby girl,

This first week of the new year has brought on bitter temps & two snow days for your sisters, even though we barely got any snow. You know they were happy.

It's been cold in many places, not just here. I wouldn't mind so much, if I didn't have to leave the house. Working from home helps, but I think I used to be a bear in a past life, because I would love nothing more than to stay snuggled up warmly on the couch or in bed all day. Watching movies, reading books, taking naps, eating & snacking. The great thing about having your sisters home from school, is that they at least get their turns in walking Rocky. ;)
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It's still hard to believe it's a New Year. I haven't really made any resolutions. I don't really believe in them as much as I believe in having goals. But I do think a new year brings forth a fresh opportunity to think about & place them in the forefront.

I haven't lost sight of my goal to continue awareness of Type 1 diabetes, baby girl.

I think my motivation was shot down last year with the lack of interest from the VA academy of pediatrics to start the BT1 awareness campaign, then not hearing back from the CEO of my company, then going to speak to the representatives in D.C. & having them tell us in other words, that not enough kids or people were dying in order for them to make it a priority. :(

It hurt so much, in fact, that I had to step back from it all in order to not let it consume me. I mean, I showed up for two meetings in front of complete strangers & in tears shared with them our tragedy, our own personal story & it took so much out of me....

It felt like they were saying we didn't matter. That you didn't matter enough for them to make a change. That all those other angels who passed away from this damn disease didn't matter. It made me sad & furious.

I know I shouldn't take it personally, but how can't I? Hearing their praises for me & for my "strength & braveness" for sharing our story & blah blah wasn't enough. I felt like I let you down, again. :(

Then when my attempts at work failed as well, it even made me consider a career change...to not even hear back after that heartfelt email I sent...it was just too much.
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Debbie is a great supporter & motivator because she continues to stay positive & faithful to continue awareness. She asked all her followers on FB to come up with ideas for awareness for the New Year.

That's where my mind has been these last couple of days.

Of course with that, comes all the emotions. I don't think that can be helped either. There's no way to separate them. I have come to realize that with the one goes with the other. So I have to gather up strength & hope & think that no other family should have to go though this.

That your life was meant for something greater & in your memory we will continue to bring awareness, because I know that's what you would of wanted.

That is my motivator.
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We love & miss you mouse.

I'm sure you know Bella had a tough couple of days this week, missing you. Sissy had a bad day that she told me about right before Christmas & Daddy too told us how this week during his support group meeting there was a lady complaining about her daughter & how when it was his turn to speak he told her & the group how lucky she was to still have her daughter around to complain about...

Of course it wasn't meant in a bad way. He just reminded the group how even when you think you have it bad, there's always someone else out there who has it worse.

I could see the sadness in his eyes when he said this & I knew he was having a bad day missing you.

We all have our bad days my angel.

Everyday we miss you like crazy, everyday we love you to the moon. But there are days when we can't contain those feelings, they just come bursting out. Those are the "bad days".

But they are needed. Because we always feel better after a good cry. After a good talk. After a good laugh, sharing & talking of our memories with you.

This is how we go on.
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My goal is to keep writing to you too.

We still have so many memories to document, to write about, to remember. Although my heart will never forget, I don't want your sisters to either.

Maybe one day, when I'm no longer around, they will find these letters & see a glimpse into my heart. Maybe they will remember too.

We love you my beautiful girl.

I hope it's warm in Heaven.

Love always,
Mommy <3

A walk

My mouse,

Today, one of the coldest days....

I found myself walking Rocky after work, as usual. Even in these coldest of days, I go bundled up. The bitter cold biting at any exposed skin. As during all walks, my mind goes mostly to you. Even in these coldest of days, I don't lose sight of those small things that catch my attention...

The bare trees
The cracking of the frozen grass under my feet
The birds tweeting about (why are there still birds? why haven't they flown south for the winter?)
A bright red cardinal walking
A blue jay walking behind him
Soon they are chasing each other playing
As Rocky & I approach they scatter.

I think how I never bothered to notice these small things before you
And wonder why
Or if I did it was with different feeling
Forgotten
It's as if I've made a discovery
It's as if you're talking to me through the tweets, the winds & swaying trees

I'm still cold & getting colder & I wish for warmth
All of a sudden, there is a break in the sullen clouds within the gray skies
The sun appears, it shines down on me
Even with my back turned to it, I can feel the warmth upon my back

I turn towards it & feel it's warmth over my face
I smile & can't help but think it's you
That you tapped God on the shoulder & said,
Hey, my mommy is cold. Can you please?

It sounds silly, even to me.
But sometimes I feel as though you are speaking to me
Through these little things, these little ways.

I feel it. In the depth of my heart
Like my spirit channels yours
And just like that, we are together again
I relish in it
A walk with the dog turns into something golden
Suddenly, the cold doesn't bother me anymore

I see and feel something more
And I don't want to leave
But I have to
And I just say, until next time
Until next time
All I have to do is pay attention
To the universe
To all the signs
Listen to the whispers of the angels

Love

My mouse,

This is the gift from Sissy that brought on the tears & smiles Christmas morning. It was to you. <3

I love love love it.

And we love you. We remember you always.

Forever,
Your mommy <3