The heart, mind & soul

My Dear Hailey,

This might be one of those nights where as the rest of the world sleeps; I stay awake thinking of you.
Your sisters & Daddy are in bed now. Tomorrow is another Monday. School. Work. Time keeps ticking...

I sometimes wish we could just stop time for a moment. But how long would that be? How long would it take, in order for everything in this world to feel right again?

There's so much going on lately, baby girl. Everyone has problems I know, but I can't help but feel the weight of those problems on my back, of the people I love most. My family & friends. So much worry, stress & pain. They're such good people & it's so unfair.

I guess that's how I could tell some of the 'old me' is slowly coming back to life. I clearly remember those first few months, being in an almost-catatonic state of mind, when it came to the troubles of the outside world. Someone could of told me we were at war or the end of the world was coming, and I wouldn't of cared. It wouldn't of mattered. All that mattered is that you were gone & the pain from that was more than I could bear. And that it was impossible to take in anymore.

I believe the heart takes over at that point. It realizes this as it's trying to hold in all this pain & sorrow, to the point of explosion, and it talks to the brain. It says: ok brain, if we want to save this poor soul make her numb to the outside world. For the pain she feels of her immense loss is too great & she cannot bear anymore. Make her numb for now until she slowly gains back her strength. I will let you know when it's time again. Do this; for it is vital for our survival.

Oh, my mouse. I hope I don't sound crazy to you. It's just the only explanation to me. They say our mind protects us from trauma....but I believe it's the heart. I believe it's our heart that protects us. The love that lives there is so great & powerful; it has the ability to save or break us. But it needs the mind's help.

****

We try & continue to live with papi's motto: to stay positive. We know that we can't stop time, so we keep going. But to do that we need help too. We need each other. We need love to support one another.

We went to visit you like we do every Sunday. We got a chance to go to Church too. But they are not the only places we talk & pray, my beautiful angel. It's just another chance for us to tell you how much we love & miss you. Another chance to ask God & Jesus to watch over you & to give us strength to keep going.

Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. We miss you.

With all our hearts, our minds & souls. We love you.

Good night my sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Memory

From your Instagram.
Thank you my little girl. I tried my best <3

A girl who reminds me of you

My dear Hailey,

 I had to immediately save this when I first saw it months ago & it's been there in an album ever since....I didn't forget about it. I guess like so many others memes I just wait for the right time to share. But this one is almost uncanny because the girl in this pic looks so much like you, an older version obviously but so similar I still can't believe it. The profile, the hair, skin color.... I can almost imagine what you would of looked like         

in the future...

My heart aches & the tears flow uncontrollably. 

I love you my beautiful angel and I miss you so so much. 

Dreams

Dear baby girl,

There's so much I want to tell you I don't know where to start...

First before I forget, I wanted to write about the dream I had of you yesterday morning. Bella & I fell asleep in Sissy's room after she left for school. We try & get up every morning & have breakfast with her (Bella is better at that than me), then fall back asleep until it's time to drop Bella off.

There you were, clear as day, my beautiful girl. A couple years younger...happy & very much alive.

We were in some house, in some room, that I've never seen before. I had just taken a shower & somehow the water leaked all over the floor. When you walked in, I was bending down trying to clean it up with towels...

I looked up when I heard the door open & there you were, in an Easter outfit I bought for you a few years ago...one for you & one for Bella. It was a long white sleeveless top printed with pink, purple & yellow hearts. Bella's had green in it too, but it was a different print....

You were wearing your favorite pink shorts with it. Your hair was in a ponytail that was bouncing up and down, as you pranced around the room, smiling and giggling. You asked me what I was doing & I told you. You asked me about the room & I said, "Oh you've never seen this room? It's our guest room! See the bed & the dresser? And there's a shower too...."

I remember smiling as I was talking to you & you smiling back. We were both happy, my mouse. As I was showing you the dresser, I turned awkwardly & accidentally knocked over a tray of beads on the floor...

I said "Oh my god" and we both laughed. I asked if you would help me pick up the beads. They were pretty plastic ones of all different colors & designs; but mostly purple. You said yes, but as I knelt down to pick them up you just sat beside me instead. Your legs were stretched out in front of you & you were barefoot. I remember noticing you weren't helping me, but I didn't mind.

The last thing you said was, "Those beads are mine, ok Mommy? Don't let anybody touch my beads." I said, "Ok mouse."

*****

Next thing I know, it's a different day & I'm in a completely different room. I'm with my Dad, telling him of the dream I just had.

A dream within a dream.

And I realized, it was just a dream.

And you were gone again....

*****

Did you come visit me, my mouse? Or was I just thinking of you? Did you come visit me smiling, prancing & laughing this time, because I was sad that you looked so sad in my last dream... from a while ago?

I don't know, I can only hope that you found a way to come visit me. But either way, it made me happy all day. I couldn't stop thinking; envisioning your face, your smile, hearing your voice & your laugh...

And hearing you tell me that you don't want anyone to play with your beads. You never did like to share....does that mean you don't want anyone in your room playing with your stuff? Were you mad when I gave Valeria the little diaper bag she found the day she visited & played in your room? :)

If so, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind. It wasn't the one you always played with & carry around. It was brand new, didn't even look like you ever took the diapers & bottles out...

It was the first thing of yours that I've given away. I was proud of myself for taking that big step...but maybe it's not quite time yet.

I love you...

****

Also, if you can, please visit Bella in her dreams. When I told her of mine, she got sad. She asked why you never come visit her.....I felt bad. I apologized for even telling her, I didn't know she'd have that reaction. I also told her I'm sure you do, it's just that she's a deep sleeper and probably just doesn't remember. A really deep sleeper; my little snorer. <3

I also reminded her of the dream she did have where you came to visit & took her to the playroom with all the old toys you used to share...

We just all miss you Hailey.

So much, that any sign, any chance we get to feel closer to you, matters.

Uncle Mikey sent this pic of the rainbow he saw this morning, with this caption:

Hailey saying hi this morning :)

We all miss you. We all love you. We are always thinking about you....

****

There is more that I wanted to tell you, but I will wait for tomorrow my sweet angel.

I'm thankful I'm able to write to you. I'm thankful to have the means, the strength & the time.

I'm thankful for all the memories.

I'm thankful to be your mommy.

See you in my dreams, ok?

Goodnight.

Forever,
Your Mommy <3

10 months

My beautiful girl,

I didn't get to write to you yesterday, because I actually went to work. Something I haven't been able to do on the month anniversaries...

Does this mean I'm slowly healing? Does this mean I'm learning to "carry the pain", as they say- a better way? Or was I just blessed with a little more strength than usual, to get me through the day? I don't know...But I guess I'm thankful either way. It was a pretty big deal & I was glad for it.

Of course we still remembered you my mouse. We got up extra early because I wanted to make sure we all got a chance to visit you at the gardens before Daddy & I went to work. First, we went to Dunkin Donuts to have breakfast- your favorite. Remembering how you'd always find a way to persuade me to take you there (either begging, whining, or blinking those beautiful brown puppy dog eyes with those long lashes) & ordered a chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles- also your favorite.

We remember every little detail about you my mouse.

Then your sisters & I picked the prettiest Spring flowers to freshen up your vase. We figured you're just as tired of the cold & the snow like us, and ready for Spring.

Spring flowers- Sissy reminded me that you
liked other colors besides purple too, so we
got you some pale pinks & whites.

We miss you so much little girl. I can't believe we're coming up on almost a year. Regardless of these long hard fought months that have passed, the thought still doesn't sink in. I can't comprehend...

But the hard proof is there. It's on our faces, in our eyes, souls & broken hearts.

Your empty room, the empty chairs...

Everything less cheery. More silent. More jaded & faded...

It's on that brass plaque with your beautiful pictures & the written words engraved right on it...telling us that you were once here; and now you are gone.

Gone but never forgotten.

Gone in physical presence, but not in spirit.

The love we have for you resonates in every fiber of our being.

It flows through our veins & pumps in our hearts.

It travels through our airways into our lungs in every breath we take.

No not gone.

You are now with us more than ever.

Loved more than ever...

Of course we will always miss those hugs. That smile & laugh.....I could name a hundred things, my sweet girl. It's in those moments I close my eyes or look at a picture or video. I hug your sisters, or look at the stars, or smell a beautiful flower, look at a sunrise or sunset...feel the wind, or watch a bird fly by......a butterfly or a rainbow....and there you are. I feel you & I see you once again...

You are forever engraved in my heart & my soul....

I carry you wherever I go.

Fly high baby girl, be free....

Just remember one day my spirit will be next to yours.

You are forever our precious angel.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

~

I love you. I miss you.

Treasures

The last art project you brought home; watercolor painting of fishies
& a clay sculpture of a small coral reef with a starfish.
You were so excited to show me.
 Now they sit & hang in the living room,
 where I can look at them whenever I want. 

Sissy's school project she just finished; a mosaic of the sun with
rays that spell out, "Cure Type One Diabetes".  :)

Was tagged on Instagram today with this message.
Your friends love and miss you. They are always
leaving you sweet messages there. I read
each and every one. <3

Seeing the light

My little girl,

I've felt so much better since I found the sign you sent me a couple days ago...

Valentine?

There we were- walking up towards the entrance to the food court at the mall & I happen to look down. There it was in plain view, right there on the floor. A purple glittery butterfly with a purple heart in the middle; on a purple popsicle stick...

I motioned to the girls in excitement & they couldn't believe it either. I couldn't help but pick it up & put it in my purse. :)

I couldn't help the tears streaming down my face either. I was just thinking, "Wow, what are the chances? Again, another sign when I need it the most." I knew it was a sign from you...

And then I silently thanked you. I wiped the tears and walked up to your favorite kebab place (not for the chicken kebabs, but for the naan bread & yogurt sauce) to place our order.

We sat there talking about it & talking about you. How you always send us signs when we really need it. That's when I took the pic because I couldn't wait to share it.

My beautiful girl.
I know you are ok.
I know everything's going to be alright.
Thanks for guiding me.
Thanks for always showing me the light.

The butterfly will stay in my special memory box & I'll try to remember it, as I do all your other signs when the next wave hits...

When the darkness threatens to stay, I will try to remember to look for the light.

I love & miss you so much.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day in heaven. Bella was just saying today how all the boys used to love you...I know there's probably a few boy angels up there following you around leaving you love notes. ;)

And why shouldn't they? I bet you look twice as beautiful with your angel wings on.

I can't wait to see them one day...

Love,
Mommy


P.S. These made me smile today...

I could just picture & see you saying this..

Sisterly love, lol

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day my beautiful angel. We love you to the moon and back. <3

Some Days

Baby girl,

Some days are just so hard to get through. No matter what I do or how much I try to even fake a smile, I just can't. Today was one of those days...

When I'm off work, I try getting out of the house & keeping busy by running errands or cooking, even when I don't really want to or have the energy. I figure doing something is better than nothing.

Today, I went to Bella's school & had lunch with her. I ran errands. I cleaned. I cooked so much food that I invited Papi & the kids over for dinner...Ayde was at work. I was trying to cheer myself up with their company. Some days I hate the silence of house. I used to love it.

But Papi, being my dad, can always see right through me. He's always had that talent. It's hard to lie or fake a smile with him. I know because I've been trying since I was a teenager. :/ He just always knows.

But I don't feel the need to fake anything around him either. The same with Auntie or Mikey, they just know me better than anyone else. I can always be myself around them. I don't need to have my guards up or wear a mask...

The mask I put on to make it through a day of work; for example. Where I talk to many moms with sick kids; kids that are your age; or have close to your same birthday. Where the word diabetes is spoken at least once a day...

Or the mask I wore to your sister's school, your old school; for example. Where I pass by the park & see you there doing your flips on the gymnastic bars; walk into the cafeteria & see the violins all lined up on the stage...

Some days, its doesn't matter where I am or what I do....

I tried not to cry in front of Papi, because I don't want him to feel bad or uncomfortable. But I just couldn't help it my mouse. Some days I just don't feel strong enough. Some days I just need to cry & be held & be told that everything's going to be alright.

I just hate to see my pain reflecting in the other person's eyes, when they do. Specially my father, since he can see right through me. I see it more in his eyes than any others.

We have always been so close with Papi. You know how much we all love him. When I think about all that we have been through; it's really unbelievable. Enough to write a book about!

I smile thinking about all the deep conversations we have about life. It's never about stupid stuff. Or if it is, it's only to get a good laugh. Not only now, but even back when I was a teen. Back when I was rebellious, opinionated & thought I knew everything; we used to have all out battles about society, government, people, love, you name it.

Once I gave a homeless guy in DC some money & he got mad. We had a debate about the homeless that lasted all the way back home....it makes me laugh now, my mouse.

He's shared his dreams with me & inspired mine. He's shared his past, his wisdom, his passions. The story of him & my mom. He's a romantic like me. I've found that I'm more like him than my mom. Even my temper! Not always a good thing. But has calmed down with age I'm learning, and according to Papi; will get calmer & calmer. Let's hope. :/

So this is why it's harder to be my "fake self" around him, baby girl. Some days, like today...when I try to smile only for other people's benefits; I know it's not necessary around him. He loves me & understands me regardless.

Unconditionally. Like I'll always love you & your sisters.

Some days, that's all I need. And then I know I can get through another day.

I miss you with all my heart & soul, my beautiful angel.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy

Hearts

Bella's Valentine's ready to pass out to her class tomorrow.
Always thinking of you..

~

Superbowl/Football memories

Dear baby girl,

I'm writing this as I watch Superbowl 50 with daddy. Your sisters already took their showers & are in bed (school tomorrow). We are rooting for the NC Panthers, like Bella said, "Because they have 'Carolina" in their name, after Auntie."

Another FB memory came up a few days ago, with your name on it. Of course I saved it & wanted to share it. It was of Superbowl last year- we made Nachos with chili n Cheese; your favorite; without the chili of course.

You were never a big meat eater, specially when you found out it actually comes from animals. Eggs either...."You mean they come from baby chickens Mommy?" After that, you never liked neither chicken or eggs.

The picture reminded me how you loved Nachos n cheese so much, you'd order that instead of popcorn at the movies...

I still order it sometimes too, because it reminds me of you.

I remember how you never really cared for football either. Probably because I'm a Redskin fan & you watched too many losing games. :/

I smiled thinking of the scared look you'd get sometimes when mommy went crazy watching those games...:)

But you weren't shy about telling me if I was getting out of hand or of how much the Redskins sucked. :)



Another funny quote.

I started thinking about the time I took you girls to the Redskin training camp. We got to watch them practice & you got some autographs. You didn't care for it much then either...

But you went anyway, not only because I'm your mommy & you went everywhere I went, but also because you knew you'd have fun no matter what. And you did...

I have those pictures in an album somewhere,
my mouse. You were just a little mouse back then.

You always had such a great memory, I'm sure you'd remember...

The last memory that popped up was this one of a couple of years ago. When Pierre Garcon # 88 came to the Paisano's close to the house. We got to meet & greet him & got autographs on our jerseys & football.

My Redskinettes with Pierre <3

This surge of memories I can't when they come, my beautiful girl. And I don't want to either...

Some could say I'm living in the past, but I don't feel that way. It's me keeping you alive in the present. Now, when I miss & need you the most.

I explained that to Ms. Fran (your old babysitter & Juno's mom) through some texts & calls a few weeks ago, when she was checking in on us. This was her response on her last text that I saved:

It meant so much to me. I wanted to show you what she sent too & I will...she is so heartbroken too, my angel. She, like so many loved you & love you still.

You touched so many people in your life.

I'm so proud I got to be the one to share it with you....to be your mommy....to call you mine.

I'm so proud of you, it fills my heart with so much love.

A love that will never leave you or let you go..

It will be there, until the end of time.

Forever,
Your Mommy

Goodnight <3

**update*** Carolina lost, Denver won.

For Carly

<3

Bella's Bday

Dear Hailey,

There's always so much I want to say to you my beautiful girl. Although I feel you're always around me; I miss our conversations & hearing your opinions on things. I always valued both, because you were always such a bright & intelligent girl.

You know what I always say, "My girls have both the beauty and the brains." :)

I wonder what you thought about Bella's birthday bowling party, for example. I know she had a lot of fun with the few friends that made it. Sissy & her friend Andrea were there & helped set up the teams & bowled too. I met & talked to one of her good friend Sydney's mom (think she spells it differently). I told her about you, when she asked how many kids I have. She didn't say much...but I guess saying the wrong thing is worse than saying nothing at all- for some.

I was also telling Ashi's mom- who knows & remembers you; how we've had Sissy's b-days there & of your 10th b-day party there last year too; of how Bella wanted to keep the tradition. :)

You know I kept having flashbacks of you & your friends, my mouse. I wish I could post more pics, but not certain the other moms would be ok with me showing pics of their kids. But no matter, because I have those memories engraved in my mind....

Always such love. Always such good times.

I miss & love you always,
Mommy <3

Sissy's 12th bday <3

Your 10th <3

Bella's 10th <3

FB memory

Funny mouse- age 6

Letting it out

My mouse,

This past week has been so hard for me. I don't know why, but it's felt like it did in the very beginning. By yesterday, I was at my breaking point...

I'm still learning, that there's just no trying to deny or ignore grief, baby girl. The heart feels what it feels. And mommy's just misses you so much.

I felt bad that I upset Daddy & Bella, who were right beside me when I finally broke down & cried. Bella hugged me, brought me a box of tissues & wiped my tears. She said, "It's ok Mommy, just let it out."

She's so sweet & strong with such a good heart, just like you. Just like Sissy too. It never stops to amaze me. I'm so lucky to have my girls. I'm glad Sissy was already asleep in her room because I didn't want to upset her too. But I hope she cries too when she needs to...

I wish there was another way, baby girl. But the truth is, there's no avoiding these moments when they come. Like Bella said, sometimes you have to just let it out. A good cry helps. It relieves some of that pain that's been building up; that pain that is looking desperately for a way out.

We all did cry. But then as we were talking about you, about how much we miss you, we started to also recall memories of you. Most of them were funny, because you were our funny crazy mouse.

Like when you & your sister would play "Alina" (after your Auntie Alina), who you always admired for being so pretty & fashionable. :)

You'd put on a cute outfit with my high heels on, keys & purse in hand, toting around your beloved babies in a stroller or a car seat, dropping them off to the 'babysitter's' (me). Then you'd give me instructions for their nap times & feedings. Then you'd go off to 'work'. But you only really walked to the corner of the room & watched me intently while I followed your orders...

Your favorite part was when I burped your babies. You'd smile with pride that I was doing my job & within a minute or two, you came back to pick them up again....We'd do this over & over until we (usually me) grew tired. Then you would find Bella & continue to play Alina, usually fighting about whose turn it was to be her. :)

I know you were there last night listening & laughing, my angel. I know you saw our tears turn to smiles & laughter. I could hear your laughter too. The silly laugh that I miss....

We were so tired, we went right to sleep. I know you were right there...cuddling between us.

****

Sometimes to seek the truth

We have to strip down the layers

Of our soul

To almost barely nothing at all

To see in a true light, in bareness

What lies underneath

To discover the treasures and discard of the waste

I've seen what lies within mine, because of you

Love

So simple, so pure, so true

But so powerful and fierce

That even in the darkest of days

In the dimmest of light

It will always be there

Giving me life
In this world

And be there to carry me
Into the next
To finally be set free

That is where I will find you
One of my most precious
Treasures of them all
 

v.t.e

 

angel

 

*****

                                                 In this world & in the next one...I love you

Always & forever,
Your mommy

February

My sweet baby girl,

Some days I can't stop the tears that spill down my face. I can't stop the pain as it takes over every living cell in my body. I miss you so much I can't stand it. I want to scream until
I have no voice. I want to cry until until I go dry. I want to throw stuff and break things and shake God violently until he answers me why....

Why?

I miss you so much, I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I want it to not be true...

I want you back and have everything be normal again. I want it to stop hurting so..

My beautiful sweet Haileymouse. How could it be that you were taken from me??

I wish we could be together again. I wish I had you in my arms and never let you go.

Tell me or show me the way, for I am lost. I'm lost without you.

My sweet girl, I'm sorry.

I just love you so much it hurts. It hurts to breath. It hurts to live without you.

Another day, another week, another month. Without you.

I'm sorry.

I try, I try to be strong. But sometimes I just can't.