Danii video

My little girl,

This is the video the Danii Foundation made that I told you about. I'm not exactly sure it's completed since it seems there's a typo in the title...

But many of these moms are in the bereavement group for Type 1 families. I've come to know thier babies...I wonder if you know anyone of them in Heaven. I hope you do. 

I could only watch it twice, once in the beginning & then recently to see if they made changes. But I don't think I can again, it's too painful. But it was made to create awareness....if this doesn't make people realize how serious this disease is, I don't know what would.

I love you mouse.

http://youtu.be/UWw3fZmZt8U

Needing a break

My beautiful girl,

It seems like the world around us is getting crazier, as we try to stay sane in our own little world. Maybe watching the news late at night is not the best thing...

It's just hard to ignore, wrong even, to close our eyes to all the suffering going on. But what can we do but the best we can within our own circles; to be kind & love as much as we can. Help, when we can.

But as much as I've been trying to live by that motto, I don't pretend to be a saint, baby girl. This has been a rough week for me. I've not been in the best mood. Not only was it a long work week, but your sister's first full vacation week too. As much as I like having them home & as much as they try to help with chores, etc....I find myself trying to entertain them in the evenings after they've been bored at home during the day. That means running around when I'm off work instead of being able to relax at home...

It reminds me of all the summers before, when you girls would depend on me to take you to the park, pool, movies, out to eat, etc...after working a full day and just wanting to relax. I guess I'm not getting any younger & I get tired easier. I try & remind myself of how I would go back to those days in a heartbeat, to have all 3 of you little again, by my side. However hard work it was, I would do it again & again, over & over without giving it a second thought.

I miss those days & I know that as time passes, I will miss them more & more. Even these days, having your sisters by my side, I know I will one day miss too. :(

You must of been reading my mind, my angel. Because today, while feeling tired, frustrated & overwhelmed at not getting everything done that needed to be done....I saw my Haileyfly.

We had just ordered dinner for pick up at the pizza place by the old apartments, because we had no time to make dinner, because we had no time to go grocery shopping, & so on & on... it was just one of those weeks. I was yelling at your sisters about something & there it was, a yellow Haileyfly that swooped down to us, touching Bella's cheek (she was the closest to me & the one I was directing my anger to at the moment)...it flew by Sissy & then disappeared.

I stopped, closed my eyes & I could almost hear you say..."Mommy, it's ok. Calm down. Breathe. It's going to be ok." And I did my mouse. I took a big breath & then looked up at the sky to look for you, like I always do, looking for answers...& I knew I just needed a small break.

Daddy was home from work early, we ate dinner & then I went upstairs to read. That always helps clear my mind. I told Daddy & your sisters I just needed some me time, to let me read in peace & then disappear from the living room at 9pm to let me watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. And they did, sorta. :)

......

My sweet girl. Uncle Chris & the girls are driving down tomorrow & staying a few days. I guess I was stressed about getting the house ready too, which we really didn't get a chance to do. But like Sissy reminded me of, it's ok Mommy- they are family. They won't care. Which I responded my usual, yes, but I care. So I let it go. Some things you just have to let go...

Like my other famous saying goes, I'm only one person. :]

I'm glad they'll be visiting. It's been since your angelversary. :(  I'll still have to work, but at least your sisters won't be bored at home. Hopefully the weather cooperates & they can go swimming & maybe even go to Kings Dominion with Daddy on his day off. I'll get to hang out with Rocky after work.

I took him to see your tree the other day my mouse. I still love my walks with him in the mornings (which have been getting earlier & earlier because of the heat). I wanted to make sure the beetles weren't eating it up. :(

It's grown so much.

See the carved heart made of wood we hung?

Rocky resting under the shade of your tree. :)

I go check your tree from time to time.
In the beginning of Spring, we brought a bag of mulch for your tree & Conner's too.
Daddy helped lay the mulch down on both trees.

I read a post the other day from a mom, on one of the bereaved parents groups on FB saying that everyone thinks she's a crazy person for telling the cemetery to stop mowing around her son's grave, because every time she visits, the headstone is covered with dirt & grass. :(

That even though they are still making her pay for maintenance every month, she goes with her husband weekly to cut the grass & pull the weeds....

She asked if we thought she was crazy too.

We all answered no. Of course not. That it drives us crazy too & makes us sad when we find our children's headstones or plaques covered in grass. That we stop by frequently during the summer months specially with a towel & a water bottle to clean off the dirt & grass.

Another mom made a good point in saying that- we will never stop being parents, even though our children have passed on. That taking care of their graves is an example of this. That it's one of the few things we can still do for them...

I thought about that while standing there looking at your tree, my angel. I thought about us bringing the mulch, & making sure the beetles don't ruin it...

About all the times we've been to the gardens to decorate for all the seasons & occasions, with our towel & water bottle.

I've heard this being called a "grieving ritual"....but now that I think about it, I think that mom is right. It's just us being parents. Parents who've lost their child. We're not crazy. Only we can understand what that means & how that feels.

And we'll always be your parents my mouse. And your sisters. We'll never stop caring for you & loving you. Not ever. As long as I'm alive, you'll always have the prettiest plaque with the prettiest flowers. I'm sure your sisters too one day, when they get older.

We will always remember.

We will always miss & love you.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy

Goodnight. <3

Things I find or that find me

"As a writer you have to be open to the darkness.  You have to be open to the sorrow.  Whereas other people may scurry past and say I have to get on with my life, you can sit there and you can feel that sorrow pass over you.  You can feel that great lamentation come out of you.  You can say of your dead husband "Oh Stan, I loved you with my whole soul, I loved you." And in that spirit, you can write.  You can write!  Not perhaps the literal story of your husband and how you loved him and how he died, you go into the imagination and you create a story and that story is going to have whatever wisdom you have been allowed by God to acquire.  And it's going to be good.  And that keeps you going.  That keeps you working.  That keeps you open to all the signs that are going to come to you."

-- Anne Rice

Posted by Becket



"One of the great things about being a writer is that you can write in sorrow, in grief, and anguish.  You can use your emotions to make something constructive, and something perhaps that will remove these things for someone else."

-- Anne Rice


Posted by Becket


"There's no doubt that my life and my writing have been shaped by grief.  I think I was grieving for my mother before she ever died, and that was when I was 14.  After the death of my daughter in 1972, I wrote INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, without ever realizing I was writing about loss.  I was writing about my daughter's loss.  And I was writing about my loss of Catholic faith long before that, because I had lost my faith in the year 1960, when I first went to college.  And in losing my faith, I lost my whole view of the world.  My whole rich and hopeful and really lovely view of the cosmos as a just place, in which nobody's suffering was ever wasted or lost.  In which God knew every tear that was shed.  Then as I moved on through life, I lost other people.  My father.  I remember sitting for two months in the hospital with him at night, watching him get delirious, going out of his head on Morphine.  Talking to his dead brothers and sisters and beg for them to come and get him.  I watched the great Berkeley fire, on the television, as I sat in that hospital room in New Orleans; he never escaped that hospital.  I was dreaming that very moment, that he was dying, I was dreaming of somehow getting him out.  Wheeling the gurney out and rescuing him someplace else.  And I saw a house that I'd lived in, a magnificent Tudor house on Yorkshire Drive in Oakland, I saw that house go up in flames on TV.  I was sitting there in that cold hospital room with my father and I saw it.  I thought for sure it had to be someone else's house; but it wasn't.  Not long after that, I went to the ruins of that house.  I went to what was left of that house and I climbed the front steps to find the basement a great big hole, and it was frilled with the chopped up remains of the magnificent Monterey Cypress tree that had once stood on that hill.  The whole area had been devastated by the Oakland/Berkeley fire.  These losses obsess me.  As a writer I'm driven by grief.  I think it's important that we as writers, find out what drives us.  Not so much that we find out; what's important is that we give in.  That we don't fight it.  That we just say "Yes, we will go with this pain.  Yes, we will endure this.  Yes, we will explore this." We must try, in our work, to make a meaningful universe in the pages we write.  We'll try to do that.  We'll have that faith, we'll have that strength.  Sometimes, it's so dark and so difficult when you have to grasp things, you have to look for signs, you have to look out the window and see a sign in the way the flowers are blooming on a tree."

-- Anne Rice

Posted by Becket

Huffington Post

My mouse,

The lady from Huffington Post emailed me when I was at work to tell me "We're up!" Her article was published with a link to the one I wrote on your other blog.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/10574514.html

She's brutally honest & unpolished in this article...but maybe it's what's needed to catch people's attention. Children are dying. Enough is enough.

This is the one I wrote.

https://haileyflies.com/2016/06/13/what-you-dont-know/

All we can do is hope & pray that it saves lives my angel. I tried not to break down at work, made it to the car & cried in the car on the way back home.

If this is what I'm supposed to do, I will continue to do it. For you my beautiful girl.

In your memory. <3

I love you forever & ever,

Your mommy

Tio's 70th

My sweet angel,

Sometimes you have to just stop what you are doing & choose the one thing you want to do, instead of something you have to do...

Which is what I'm doing now. Because the only thing I really want to do, is write to you.

The term 'lazy summer days' hasn't really applied to us so far. Bella fractured her finger during Tio Gustavo's 70th birthday party Saturday evening. Bella was on the trampoline in Joey & Carole's backyard with some of the kids & she says Natalia landed on her hand, pushing her pinky all the way back. Of course it was an accident & even though she cried for about 30 minutes, she was right back on that trampoline later. You know your sister.

Her fracture wasn't confirmed until the next evening; on Father's Day; in urgent care; because Bella opted to see Finding Dori during the day instead. Again, you know your sister. She's a toughie. They gave her pain meds, a splint & buddy taped her pinky to her ring finger & she was good to go. :)

Besides that, we had a really good time at Tio's party. I actually danced my mouse....it's been a while. It was nice to let loose a little & have some fun. Some of us were dancing, some were playing soccer outside, some were on the trampoline & some were watching one of the soccer matches on TV. By the time Tio went to blow out his candles, most of us were drenched in sweat! The most important thing is that Tio had a great time & we got him good. He was genuinely surprised & even got a little choked up & teary eyed. That was the good part.

The bad part is, that all the while inside me, I noticed you were missing. And even though it's probably not so, it felt like I was the only one to notice...which made it hurt even more. Even though I pictured you on the trampoline with your sisters, or doing "the Nene" with Madeline & Selma...or smiling away when it was time for cake....even though I knew you were with us in spirit, I also felt that empty space where you would normally be.

I'm sorry baby girl, but it's true. I tried not to think about it. But in between the smiles & the laughs, the thought made its way deep in to my heart, piercing it every inch of the way...

That by the time we were drove home that night, with the stars & the moon following us home....passing the gardens on the way back, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I had this image of us dancing, smiling & having a grand time while your ashes were laying there in your grave...And then the tears came rolling down & they just wouldn't stop.

Forgive me my angel. That is what I kept repeating...forgive me for these thoughts. Forgive me for dancing & having a good time when you can't. Then I turned to your sisters & told them sorry too. For crying, for bringing them down & ruining their night when we had such a good day...

Bella, who was sitting on the passenger's seat next to me, wiped my tears & laid her head on my shoulder, saying it was ok. "It's ok Mommy. Hailey was there with us. Don't feel bad. She would want us to have fun. It's ok Mommy, we love you."

Oh my sweet girl. It was the first time I really felt this way. In the beginning specially, I was the one to say those words to her or Sissy & really mean them. I don't know why this time it was different. I can't explain it. It was like I felt guilty for having fun without you & I felt guilty for having these thoughts to begin with.

All I could blame it on really is that I just miss you so much. That even though I know you are with us, even though I know you would want us to continue living.....there are just some days that the grief over losing you & missing you takes over any rational thoughts or feelings. I am too weak to fight it & have no choice but to surrender.

Even now, as I type this letter to you, I can feel it overcome my every fiber & the tears don't stop.

All I could do is pray, like I did on Sunday- Father's Day when we went to visit you & then again Monday after work, just before sunset- when I couldn't let the day pass without stopping by with some new flowers....Monday, the 20th, which marked 14 months.

And then today again, my mouse.

All we could do is pray. I pray for strength to get us through the day. I pray for the safety & health of our family. I pray God watch over us & over you- his angel in Heaven, until I see you again.

I love you baby girl.

I'll have to tell you about Father's Day later, ok?

Until I see you again, I can't wait.

Forever,
Your mommy

It is true that a heart can feel so heavy, it becomes hard to breathe....

Today my heart feels heavy missing you.



Summer flowers <3

On the way home



Summer solstice- "Strawberry Moon"

Father's Day

Selena G./One day at a time

Dear baby girl,

We've been pretty busy these past few weeks. The days continue, even though sometimes I'd like to press the pause button.

But I try to remember to stay thankful. Our days are busy with good things. Sissy is done with school as of today. She is officially a sophomore in high school! Scary...I can't believe it. Bella's last day is tomorrow. She has just a half day, technically she could stay home but she wants to go. She loves school, just like you did. I'm glad for it & hope it lasts. She will be a 5th grader...like you.

You would of been finishing 6th grade. I remember being in 6th grade, a lifetime ago. So young...to think that your life ended so young. I'm sorry my angel, it's just hard for me still. I see the kids your age waiting for the bus in the mornings when I walk Rocky sometimes & in the afternoon when I come home from work. It's like a stab in the heart each time.

I don't think I will ever stop wondering, what it would be like....

......

Daddy & I told your sisters during dinner last night, how proud we are of them. We know this has been a hard year. Not only with us but school too. They've worked so hard to maintain their grades. We try & reward them by doing fun things.

A couple of weeks ago, I took them to see Selena Gomez in concert. Of course, we remembered the last time we saw her with you at the Patriot Center. Your sisters said they knew you were there this time too, probably hanging out back stage with her. :)

It was fun. I sat with Bella & Sissy had pit tickets with her friend Arian. They were right up front. This was her bday gift from last year. :)

Selena Gomez 2013- Patriot Center

Selena back then

<3

Selena G. 2016

We didn't get a pic with Sissy but she got a lot of Selena up close. We were thinking of you baby girl. We wore our bracelets in your honor. I imagined you dancing right along with Bella...maybe not on top of the seat like she was, but dancing either way. ;-) <3

Bella's purple angel bracelet Loni gave her.

Mine

......

Last weekend Sissy went to her friends quincenera & took Bella with her. Then we had grilled out for Auntie's bday Sunday. Papi came back from Bolivia. This Sunday is Father's Day. I have to make a vet apt for Rocky to get some vaccines, then I need to schedule eye & health exams for us, dental too....I'm going to teach Sissy how to drive this summer....! Sometimes I get so overwhelmed thinking too far ahead in the future baby girl.

I know time goes on. I know staying busy helps us not to stay stuck. But I can feel how fragile we are still yet. Or at least me. I can feel the anxiety build up when there's too much on my plate. I can feel myself still healing. So only going day by day helps...

Grief doesn't just stop or work with our schedule. So we have to learn to make room for it. To live it with it. To compartmentalize, as they say. The only way is to breathe in between...to stop & pray. Stop & think. Stop & cry.

When I go on my walks with Rocky as the sun rises or sets, I let myself think. I let the peace sink in. When I visit you at the gardens or visit your room, I let myself feel.

At night, right before bed, I write then pray. No matter what's happened during the day, my heart & mind turn to you. Even though I hurt, even though I may cry, I still look forward to it, just like I do these letters. All of it helps me heal...even if it's the tiniest bit at a time.

We grieve because we love. And we love you so much.

We don't know what tomorrow will bring, my mouse. I still can't plan anything too far in advance. Maybe this one day at a time, is the way it will always be. But I'm ok with that. But it's worked so far.

The only thing I can absolutely look forward to, in a far off future, is to see you again.

I don't get overwhelmed with that thought. It makes my heart happy. I will look forward to it, for the rest of my days, my sweet angel.

You are always in my dreams, on my mind & in my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Sisters

Dear Hailey,

Today for Auntie's bday I posted this pic on my Facebook wall...

I was showing Bella in the car before I dropped her off at school & she said, "That would of been me & Hailey. "

It instantly broke my heart to hear say that because the thought crossed my mind earlier this morning as I was putting together the collage of pics. :(

I was immediately in tears. I hugged her hard, not knowing what to say. But I told her, at the same time trying to convince myself, that you will always be with her & Sissy. That even though they can't see you, you are there by their side. I told her I was sorry. That I wish it was different & that I could take her pain away.

It made me sad all day my mouse. Sometimes I feel so defeated, too exhausted of trying to stay strong. Because the reality is it hurts to know that it's true what your sister said. It broke my heart remembering how inseparable you were. Remembering her exact words in the beginning, in between sobs saying, "But we were supposed to grow up together...we were going to visit each other's houses & have our kids play together when we got older..."

I know. I know baby girl & it breaks my heart. Because that's the way I always pictured it with the three of you. That's the way it was supposed to be. When I think of a lifetime without my sis, I can't even bear it. :(

I just told her that she has to remember she still has Sissy & that they have to be there for each other & remain close forever. That no one can take away the memories they have with you & can still create new ones with you in it.

I hope to God that they find a way to do that, my sweet girl. There's nothing I want more. I could care less about me...or Daddy for that matter. I mean in the way that... I know we'll survive somehow. But either way, half our lives have passed. As much as we've had our share of hardship in our lives, we've had our share of happiness too. Your sisters still have the rest of their lives ahead of them. They are too young to suffer for that long. I hope they can find peace & happiness after what's happened. I will pray everyday if I have to.

Their strength is what's kept us going, but I'm just afraid that like most of us...we sometimes get tired of being strong.

Bella has been going to see Mrs. Bowers (the councilor at school) In the mornings. It started with one morning about a month ago, we got to school early & she ran into her. Mrs. B invited her into her room to hang out before the bell rang. Bella said that they talked about you & other things in general, and she "felt much better" afterwards. Ever since, Bella forces us out the door so she can catch her before the bell rings.

She told me the other day, that "it's the only time I can talk about Hailey & it helps me the rest of the day." I'm so thankful for that. I asked her today again, after school, how her day went. She said she saw Mrs. B again & felt better for the rest of the day...

I hope that there will always be someone like Mrs. B in your sister's lives. Someone or something they can go to that will give them hope & strength for another day.

We miss you so much baby girl. I've cried a lot these last couple days. I wrote the piece for the article on Huffington Post Sunday night & I was in a daze Monday. We are supposed to be hearing back soon.

You are always on our minds my angel. I can't put into words how much we miss you. The emotions just pour out in tears.

We love you so much. Every single day.

Please watch over all of us, specially your sisters. I will say a special prayer tonight.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Memories

Mouse,

I forgot about this video until I saw it yesterday. I don't know how to upload it from Facebook, so I only took a screenshot. It's a good memory that brought a smile & some tears. How I wish I could go back to this day.

Kindergarten graduation <3

You were so tiny. I remember the outfit you wore this day with your blue skirt. That was when blue was your favorite color....

my sweet girl

There's another pic of you with the skirt that I have to find....

All these memories, stored in my head.
During times of loneliness, sadness & nostalgia, I think of you.
I see your smile. And I feel your hug.
And it's worth the pain I feel in remembering,
Because once again you are in my arms.
Once again, I am whole.

I love you baby girl,
Sweet dreams,
Your mommy.

Higher Power

Dear baby girl,

The other day when I was in your room crying & missing you- the same day later at work, I got a text from Debbie saying a blogger for Huffington Post wanted to talk to me about an article she's working on; undiagnosed & misdiagnosed cases of Type One Diabetes.

I follow this lady on Twitter. She has Type 1 herself & last week she tweeted something about "How could there still be children & adults dying with all we know about T1D?"

I replied to her tweet (still pretty new to Twitter, not sure if I was doing it right) saying that there are still many that do not know about T1D, that we were one of them. And because we didn't know we lost you to this disease.

https://twitter.com/DiabetesMedia/status/739486125299929088

I just spoke to her over the phone my mouse. She's in California. She called to tell me about the article & the message she's trying to create. She said that even though she knows there are many kids that passed due to Type One, she only wants to include 2 or 3 stories so that people don't get too overwhelmed & skip reading it altogether. She said that's been her experience in the past. But she read our story & thinks its compelling & wants to include a link in her article.

She's supposed to email me the draft this weekend so I can let her know if we want to be included or not....

.........

It seems that whenever I have a big setback something happens, my mouse....whether its a Haileyfly or a rainbow, or an angel in the clouds, or a dream about you, coins on the ground, or a purple glittery butterfly with a purple heart in the middle, glued to a purple popsicle stick I find the floor.....

Or someone wanting to write an article. This would be the 4th one.

What I think is, is that there must be a higher power involved in all this. There has to be my angel. Maybe its you. Maybe its God. Maybe its both. I am convinced of this not only because of all the signs, but because looking back on this journey so far, I feel I have been guided by something greater.

It has taken so much to trust in this & accept it. To expose my wounded heart, still healing & make it vulnerable yet again for more pain, my girl. Because every time I tell our story, I relive it as it just happened.
.......

My first instinct would be to run or hide. To sit in silence & let the pain take over. And I have done that. There's definitely been those kind of days. Not only is it part of grieving, but it's also necessary. This is what I've learned.

But this higher power has sent angels to pull me out of the darkness, before I get too lost. My family, my friends, & others in the DOC (diabetic online community). Not only to save me, but to guide me. I feel that there has to be a reason for this. The reason has to be with becoming a voice for this cause. Not only to honor you, my beautiful girl, but to save other lives.

I have to trust that this is one of the reasons. I want to believe that you are part of this higher power too, constantly reminding me & giving me strength. Because I wouldn't be able to go through with this or anything else..if I didn't have your approval.

I couldn't even live this life, without honestly believing that you are not only ok with it, but that you are still a part of us, still around us somehow, in some kind of way. My beautiful girl....

I just wouldn't be able to continue if I thought otherwise.

Everyday I wake up, I have to remind myself of this. That you are by my side. That God is watching & giving us strength to go on, and that's its ok to do so. That we will be guided to do what is right & if there's something bigger planned for us for the time we have left on this Earth, until we see you again....

It will happen, because God wills it to.

That is all we can do at this point, when we feel so vulnerable & weak. Is to trust in God- to trust in this higher power & let it be our guiding light.

In the meantime, along the way...

We will cry. We will rejoice. We will go on.

Missing you. Loving you.

Every step of the way.

Until we see you again.

Love you baby girl.

Today & forever,
Your mommy <3

You

My sweet girl,

Sometimes I miss you so much I can't breathe.

I search for you, I talk to you, I can feel you...

But it doesn't stop me from missing you.

The you that would cuddle next to me. The you that would give me those big bear hugs. The you that would laugh at my corny jokes & make us laugh in return. My silly sassy mouse. My sweet Haileymouse.

I miss asking how your day was & listening to every single detail of it. I miss those beautiful brown eyes with those long eyelashes. I miss you walking around the house holding your pillow sheet. I miss the trail of clothes you'd leave laying around...

I just miss you. So much it hurts.

So much that I find myself in your room sometimes, just to be near you again. Smelling your purple Northface sweatshirt...still smelling of your sweet perfume. Holding & kissing your babies. Running my fingers over the drawings on your wall, retracing your touch.

Sitting on your bed, remembering how I'd walk in to say good morning & find you on your side, with a little bit of dried up drool on the side of your mouth. How it would make me smile each time. How I'd kiss you on your cheek or forehead to wake you up.

I miss your voice. Even though I can still hear it in my head, I still call your number sometimes just to hear your voicemail.

There will never be anyone else like you my sweet girl. You were something special. You still are.

I will carry you around in my heart for as long as it's beating. We all will, that I can promise.


                                         I miss those sleepy eyes- esos ojitos tristes. <3



A version of build a bear you got for one of your bdays- this is after I
helped you stich it together. You were so happy & proud.

I search for you in the skies & sometimes think I see you.
Like this one, I can clearly see a face with long hair
laying on it's side.

In this one I saw an angel with long hair & its
wings spread out.

I miss the you that I could kiss and hug
I miss the you that I could hold and touch
I miss the you that would brighten up my world

I miss you
I miss you

One day I know I will see you again
But that day seems far away
How do I go on until then?

I'm sending a little note to heaven
To tell you how much your missed
A little note to heaven
Sealed with a kiss

Goodnight my angel,

I love you.

I miss you.

Forever,
Your mommy

Memories

I remember this like it was yesterday. My rapper mouse. <3

<3

JDRF Walk

My little girl,

We went to the walk today for you. I was a little disappointed that not as many volunteered this year, our group was smaller than last year's. But our small group had more heart than most. Love for thousands...I couldn't be more prouder & greatful. <3

My lifelines <3

I love you my sweet angel. I miss you so much.

We all do.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

My beautiful girls <3

June/Joshua & Gabby's bday

My beautiful girl,

I'm finally getting a chance to write. It's been a busy week, but in a good way. I blinked my eyes & not only is it a new month but it's the start of summer too.

Bella & Daddy had their first swim at our pool today. Sissy & I stayed back to make a yummy dinner: steaks on the grill with salad & roasted potatoes. They were back earlier than I thought. Bella said they got hungry & she got bored after swimming alone for a couple of hours. That it wasn't the same without you. :(

Nothing is my mouse.

We had so much fun visiting Mikey & the family, but we missed you. I was picturing you holding Joshua & toting him around on your hip. Even at 6 years old, you would of still held him like he was  a baby. Sissy said she was thinking about it too, so she held him more than usual. I got a few extra hugs & kisses on your behalf too. Specially when we said bye- I asked if I could get an extra kiss for you & he smiled & gave me a big one. Zulen said when they see the moon, they talk about seeing you there, walking Roger. :)

<3

We went to this place right by the water to celebrate Joshua & Gabriel's b-day. It was really nice & peaceful. As soon as we got there I saw the first Haileyfly. As I sat there on the picnic table, silently longing & missing you, there it was. A big one too!

In the last pic, it was heading straight to me. :)

Then throughout the day; while grilling, eating & chilling right by the water; there were more. Little tiny purple & white ones & big black & yellow ones. When I thought I was alone in noticing I would hear one of the kids call out, "Look Vanessa! A butterfly!" "It's Hailey!"  Then as I sat with Zuli by the water, talking about whether or not you'd be swimming in the lake with the rest of the kids (because you weren't crazy about swimming with fish), they said a butterfly landed on my big floppy hat. I couldn't see it but they said it was right on my head. :)

It was nice to say your name out loud, baby girl. It was nice to talk about you with Zuli. She wasn't afraid to bring you up.

I feel apprehensive sometimes, to talk about you or say your name...because I'm not sure how people will react.

Memories are tricky like that. They can bring as much heartache as they can joy.

So sometimes I don't say anything at all...


We enjoyed a nice hot summer day outdoors complete with ticks, mosquitoes...sweating our butts off, swimming in the river, dipping our feet in the water, grilling chicken, burgers, & hot dogs, chilling on the hammock, or underneath the canopy....playing with Joshua's bday presents....spending time with each other, making memories... & it was worth it.

Memorial weekend

And I know you were there baby girl. I could feel your presence, specially at Mikey & Zuli's. I noticed the butterflies & the angels & your pictures in frames & on the wall. Right in hall, there was a cross right next to your picture & Roger's on the wall. I couldn't help but tear up & kiss your picture every time I walked by.

I know you were there when we sang happy birthday to the boys. Even Rocky sang. :)

Happy birthday :)

I know you were there when we said goodbye.

Saying....

It's not goodbye. It's see you later.

You were there & you are here. You are everywhere & always will be.

Our sweet angel.

Zulen wrote on your FB wall, saying how much she missed you. I did too. We all did.

We love you too.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

As a bonus, we saw a little bit of a rainbow on the way home. <3