Trying

Dear Haileymouse,

We're not ending this month on the best note; going to bed without talking to your sisters, without saying goodnight...

I'm so tired.

Sometimes it seems no matter what I do, how hard I try, it's just not good enough. I know I'm not the perfect mother, I know I have my moments. Specially now. But I try to redeem myself...I try. Lately, it seems like I'm trying all the time. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm trying too hard. Since it seems to be backfiring, maybe I should stop.

It's been really tough my mouse. I haven't said anything because I try to stay focused on the positive, but sometimes I just need to vent. Like usual, Daddy is at work. He of course doesn't get to deal with this stuff, because he works so much...

So it's just me & my letters to you.
...

It's been especially tough with Sissy this summer, but now it seems like it's rubbing off on Bella too (& she's not even a teenager yet).

I could go on about all the things that bother me, that we argue or clash about...but that wouldn't do any good. I would rather come up with a solution, but I haven't been able to think of any without resorting to do things I don't want to do.

I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to be in this constant state of stress. Yet, it seems that no matter how patient I try to be, how understanding, it always comes back to this.

It's not all the time, my mouse. But it's enough times.
...

I feel like I've always tried to give you girls everything I never had- not only the material things, but more importantly love & affection too; protection, opportunity...the list goes on. Sometimes I thought I gave too much, tried too hard. I saw how at times it would backfire.

But that is what parents are supposed to do after all, right? Sacrifice & provide? I thought I was doing a good job at it, up until I lost you...

I tried to do an even better job after that, because your sisters are the reason I get up after all. I felt their loss, their pain, mixed in with mine. I've tried to show them the way...to keep going, to move forward. To be the one they turn to. They depend on me; on us...after all.

 But again I see & feel it backfiring baby girl.
...

It was different when you were all little. When I noticed you were getting too spoiled, too demanding, I would pull back some & it wouldn't be that big of a deal. The rewards were small but great; hugs, kisses, notes, cards. All those little things I miss.

Now the rewards are great too. Sissy & Bella's school year accomplishments & their grades. Sissy's job & car. Bella's baking. But not too many hugs & kisses...

Now the expectations & demands on us parents are bigger too, but not always that reasonable.
...

After losing you baby girl-

Maybe we gave too much to try & compensate. To compensate for not being the perfect parents. To forget about the pain momentarily. Whatever it took...

Maybe we gave too much of ourselves, when there wasn't much left to give.

Now that we're trying to pull back, it seems like a big deal...
...

Your sisters aren't little anymore, so it's not that easy. They've entered that dreaded teenage stage. Hopefully we can slow it down for Bella.

I sometimes wonder if you were here now, at age 13, you would be giving me the same headaches. <3

I wouldn't mind it, as long as you were here my mouse. That is what I try & remind myself with them. That there are worse things. That at least they are here by my side for us to argue & make up. That I would rather have that than the other alternative..

I think about it whenever I meet a bereaved parent online who lost their only child...

How horrible that would be.
...

I'm trying...I'm trying my mouse. Daddy too. Everyday.

It's so hard being a parent. It's the hardest job in the world.

I hope that this too shall pass. That these are just growing pains & we will get through it with minimal silent treatments or verbal sparring matches.

I'm trying not to shut down like I usually do. The therapist gave me some meditation exercises to use whenever I feel my anxiety & stress levels go up. So far so good. I have a feeling I will be an expert before the year is over.

I love you my mouse.

It was always hard staying mad at you because you would crack up in the middle of me yelling at you & then make me crack up. Remember that?

I miss that & I miss you.

And whether your sisters want to believe it or not now, I know one day they will.

I love them too.

Goodnight.

Sweet dreams,
Mommy.

Working on this. I'm trying.

This too.

8th grade

Baby girl,

Today was a tough day. I spent a lot of time talking to you & about you here, at the gardens, in my car & at the Dr's office...

If you were watching & listening, you know that I forced myself to go finally talk to someone about everything...& when I say everything, I mean everything.

Not only about you my precious girl, but about my mom, daddy & even my older half brother...

Things that happened in my past that were never resolved & still continue to haunt me today.

She was definitely surprised, shocked even when I told her our story. :(

Definitely too much to cover in an hour's time, so she wants to see me next week.
...

We'll see how it goes baby girl. Your mom is used to keeping everything bottled up (except for here, in these letters) & letting it build up, sitting heavy on my shoulders until I can't bear the weight no more...the end result is never good.

I have to learn how to reach out, ask for & accept help, find better ways to cope & manage all this...

With my mom's condition heavy on my mind lately & then today being back-to-school for your sisters, I had to lower these walls at least temporarily to let someone else in.

I don't know if I feel better for it yet...too soon to tell. But hopefully will in the long run.
...

With all this, there has been major flooding in Texas due to hurricane Harvey. Pop Pop's family is hanging in there but they are calling for more rain in the next two days. Please put a word in for them ok?

Also, Grandmom's good friend Mrs.W is battling cancer & a recent bout of pneumonia on top of it. I know she's read this blog & has been sweet to send me messages with well wishes & advice in the past because she lost her son too. :( 

We belong to this club that no one wants to belong to, so I feel a connection to her. Please put in a word for her too if you can, ok my angel?
...

I love & miss you my little girl.

Today you would of started 8th grade & rode the bus with Bella. You would be been her mentor, her guide, her cool, sweet, popular older sister.

Sissy did a great job doing just that though & I assured her repeatedly that you were, in fact going to be there with her.

I know you were too, because she said she had a great first day. :)
...

Yesterday we dropped off beautiful fresh flowers to wish you a great first day in 8th grade in heaven. I went today to sit & visit & they were still there, undisturbed.

I hope you heard me talk to you because I meant every word.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

I was in Sissy's room with my head buried in
a pillow crying after dropping Bella off
at her bus stop when I looked up & saw it.

A butterfly in the pattern of her curtain. I never noticed it
before & there it was suddenly standing out right in front
of me...giving me courage to get up & go & not to miss
the appointment. <3



 

First day of 11th grade. <3

First day of 6th grade. <3

 

Donation

Mouse,

 

I made a donation in your memory so that one child with cancer can receive a bundle (book & a bear) for pediatric awareness month.

 

I met many parents online who lost a child due to cancer & it's heartbreaking. Months sometimes years of treatment inside a hospital, a room with 4 walls...

 

To not only have their lives taken away in the end, but to also lose a big part of their childhood- so sad baby girl.

 

I read many times where receiving toys, games & books from strangers not only lifted their spirits but also helped pass time during their long hospital stays...

 

I hope this helps, even if one little boy or girl.

 

Your light will always shine on my angel.

 

Love,

Mommy <3 

 

Success

Baby girl,

Before I get into the summer ending & the new school year starting...

I just wanted to share with you some thoughts on G & P's 50th wedding anniversary party. I won't share any pics because I didn't take too many & the ones I did include all your cousins & your sisters, with Bella holding the butterfly Grandmom got (it's a beautiful pic, but you know how they feel about sharing their pics in public).

It was a wonderful party baby girl. Everything turned out so nice- the food, the music, the atmosphere, the people. More importantly was the slide-show of G & P's life together; all the beautiful memories. You & the girls were in many of the pics & even though I watched it a day earlier thinking I wouldn't tear up the day of....I still couldn't help it.

The speeches made by Uncle C's friend, G & P's friends & then all the sons; in order in order starting with Daddy were funny & heartwarming. Bella's cookies & the pics Horacio took were a hit. G & P were glowing with happiness- a happiness so well deserved. It was really nice my mouse.

There's so much to think about when you think about spending 50 years with someone- let alone being married for that long. Your grandparents are truly two special people.

The best way to summarize it I guess is in this quote that Aunt Didi had printed for the party:

...

Life seems to pass by so fast baby girl, like a dream. But if you break it down into bits & start to recall it in detail- it really is longer than we think.

All the things they went through in 50 years...both good & bad. And to be still standing in the end...it's pretty amazing.

I guess maybe that's the real meaning of success...

To be still standing, despite & because of it all.
...

I love you my mouse.

My version of success was to hear you say I was the best mommy in the world. Even if it was mostly after getting something you really wanted. ;)

But not only those times. There were other times, in notes, cards too....it made me feel like I was worth something. In those warm hugs & kisses...I felt it too. All the love. Irreplaceable.

I hope I didn't let you down.

I miss & love you.

I hope that I can look back one day after 50 years. But for now, just one day at a time.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

A rare smiling moment from Grandmom. <3

~

What we got you at the beach. <3



Your cousins' garden. <3



A random purple flower growing in our garden. This is
about the 3rd time we've found one (different one), by
itself...just appearing out of nowhere. <3

Your spirit/Alina's medium

My Dear Hailey,

Back in May, about a week after Alina's actual bday, we had a small birthday celebration for her at Tio's house. She called me the night before & asked if I could bring something personal that belonged to you. I didn't ask why.

I asked Bella if she wanted to pick something out & she gave me your teacher's badge you used to play with all the time after school. On one side you wrote your name & drew little figures of a heart & a dog. On the other, you used a Chuck E Cheese photo card with your pic as an ID card.

You were always so creative. It made me smile thinking of that day at Staples you begged me to buy it; a "a real teacher's badge"...

That day at Alina's party, we spent it with the family as usual. Grilling, eating, drinking, laughing in Tio's back yard. The kids playing & the grown ups talking. We took a few pictures & ate some cake...

It wasn't until the end when Alina asked if I brought anything of yours. When I showed her & explained to her the story behind it, we both hugged each other & teared up. She then told me why she needed it- because she was going to see a medium that night.

It was a lady she had emailed me about before who was coming to our area that night, that Alina had researched thoroughly. She did group sessions in a hotel...I wasn't sure about how I felt about group sessions. I had just had the session with my medium over the phone the week of your angelversary....which I hadn't told Alina about yet.

Because she knew I was hesitant, she bought one ticket only. I felt bad. If I knew she was going anyway, I would of gone with her, just so she didn't have to be alone. But I understood & fully supported her. She needed some answers too...so I told her to call me afterwards.
...

When she left a message the next day sounding disappointed, I was disappointed too. I thought what a shame...& tried to bury my sadness so it wouldn't show. When we finally talked I tried to hide my disappointment until I heard what happened & then my heart leapt out of my chest...

She sat there with other strangers who were making connections with the medium. The medium was able to get very specific with some people; even a couple who their child too. She was more than halfway done, when Alina took your badge from her purse & held it in her hand.

Not too long after the medium said she was seeing a vision of a man & a message about a "best friend", "something about a best friend" "And a birthday party"...."Is it somebody's birthday today?"

Alina said she kinda froze, hesitating over the man & best friend part & then thinking...her actually birthday was the week before...

Then the medium said your name my angel. She said she was "getting a name....Kaylie? Kylie? Hailey?

Alina still froze, not sure she had heard your name correctly. Maybe disbelieving...

She said some other ladies raised their hands, mentioning future birthdays coming...the medium answered, "No, it must be today." That the message was clear, "the birthday had to be today."

Alina said she still didn't know weather to raise her hand, still uncertain that it was you...& before she could make up her mind, the medium told them "if no one will claim it...we must move on."

It turned out that Alina was the only one that didn't get a reading that night. Everyone else had made a connection.

When she got home she said she realized it was you & that Mike- who doesn't believe "in that stuff" was disappointed in her for not raising her hand.

The message she first left on my voicemail was, "Sorry to let you down."

I told her in no way did she let me down. That it was ok she didn't raise her hand. That in my heart I knew it was you. We both did, my angel.

Then I told her about the reading I had, how nerve wrecking it was, even over the phone. I can't imagine in person with a whole bunch of people...

I told her what my medium said, about how she first saw "a man" too, with you. Saying he was the dominant spirit. She said it was a family member, someone you never met before, who passed away before you were born. How he's helped you transition since the beginning...

Our grandpa. Papi's dad.
...

Then the "best friend" part...I told Alina you probably know she's one of my best friends. How she helped save me that first year...

It all made sense. Then the birthday party of course.

So you were there my mouse. Watching...

Your spirit was there. Just like I always felt & known it to be true. Without needing a medium, I've always known. But it helped to hear it for sure...

I guess that's why I waited so long to write to you about it, baby girl. I know you heard me talk to Auntie & Alina about it...
...

I guess this is what I thought about during Grandmom & Pop Pop's anniversary party. Hoping that you were there too, watching & enjoying it with us.

My thoughts went back to Alina's party & how the medium knew about it. How she knew your name. How amazing that was...

Wondering what message you would of given to her? If any, maybe to just let us know you're always there...

The possibility of it is what makes me choose to continue to live in this world my angel.

Without it, I couldn't go on.

Knowing I'll see you again...
...

Oh baby girl.

I had to remind myself of this, on that day, because I was sad you weren't there physically. To see the memories during the slide show...the empty seat at the cousins table...

I will write about it more later. It was beautiful after all, I know you were watching.

And we all believe it to be true too, even Grandma, who bought this beautiful butterfly to put on the cousins table:

Never absent from our hearts.

Because even when we can't see you, we know you are still there.

For now, I will go to bed with that thought alone. That you are with me, like Auntie said. Our angel, watching over our shoulders...

I love you my sweet girl.

Please come see me in my dreams, so I could feel one of your big bear hugs.

Love,
Mommy

~

The best parts

Baby girl,

Our vacation was not supposed to be about recreating memories, but in a way we did. It never dawned on me when making the reservations, that we'd be walking so closely down memory lane. It was good & bad.

Your sisters seemed to first forget the many memories we made there, so it was good to recall all those wonderful times we had. Little by little, it all came back to them...to us.
...

When we lived in NY, the Jersey shore beaches were the closest beaches to us, so we alternated between Belmar, Point Pleasant & Seaside Heights.

We had our favorite little spots, our favorite restaurants. The last time we were in Point Pleasant was Fourth of July 2013, after hurricane Sandy. Over 4 years ago....

So much has changed. Even the beach seemed changed; smaller. But I don't think it was the place so much as us. Or maybe just me.
...


 

...

By the second day I had to keep reminding myself that you were still there someway, by our side. The flashbacks of all the memories proved to be too much for me at times & I had to remember the little patch of sun from above...

It was hard baby girl.

It was gloomy the first day we arrived. The second day we got up early to watch the sunrise but there too many clouds & there were huge tidal waves coming from hurricane Gert (?) & we couldn't swim in the ocean the whole day. Luckily, we had the pool & the jacuzzi...

But the healing powers of the beach is what I needed more.
...

While we still tried to make the best of it, my sadness just grew throughout the day. Daddy took the girls to dinner. A good cry is what I needed & that's just what I did. :(

He took them to Wharfside where we took these pics 7 years ago...

<3

<3

...

The cry helped.

The next day I got to see the sunrise. Bella woke up with me. It was beautiful...

...

Later we watched the fireworks from the beach, just like we did 4 years ago...while Daddy went fishing with Uncle C & Uncle D...

 ...

Sissy got to go on a fishing boat with Daddy for the first time too.

 
                                                                        














....

We went on the boardwalk at night, Bella & Sissy went on some of the same amusement rides you girls used to go to. We rode the bumper cars too.

Not meaning to, we did recreate some of the same memories.

I first thought it was a mistake to go there my mouse. I thought it was a mistake to recreate the memories...but it was unavoidable.

The pain of remembering seemed to only bother me, so I kept it to myself. But little by little the pain lessened & we felt closer to you.

To retrace the footsteps you once walked....made us feel closer.
...

Who knows if we will ever go back baby girl.

It was a good reminder; to remind ourselves of the family we once were & that maybe we can be again...not exactly like before of course...

But maybe if we try to take just the best parts.

You included my angel.

Maybe it's possible to still salvage something beautiful of something so broken...
...

I hope & pray we can.

I love & miss you my sweet Hailey.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow & everyday after...

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Tears they fall

My mouse,

After the music dies down
And the lights turn off
In the silence of the night
I can hear my heart

It calls out for you
It searches for you in the shadows
In the dim moonlight

After the music dies down
And the lights turn off

My thoughts are of you
A cry from within
Shouts your name
And yearns and yearns to see you again

After the music dies down
And the lights turn off

Smiles turn into sadness
Tears they abundantly fall

No matter what I tell myself
I just miss you
I miss you
That's all

My beautiful girl,

We made it to grandmom's after spending a few days at the beach. I haven't forgotten about you, if you've watching you know it's the exact opposite.

I'm writing from my phone so I can't write much, only to tell you I love & miss you. Tomorrow is G & P's big day & we're all excited for them. It will be emotional. Grandmom just showed me the butterfly ornament she got to put in your place at the cousins table. It's beautiful baby girl & so sweet.

As you can see, you are never, ever forgotten.

These last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions & tomorrow will be too. We will try & remember the reason we're all there: to celebrate two wonderful people who helped create such a beautiful family. So many special memories with Grandmom & Pops. It will be a day just for them; for everyone to recognize & thank them for all they have done.

It made me wonder why we don't celebrate our loved ones more often? Why do we wait until their gone to celebrate their life & achievements? We should it now while they are alive...& not just on their birthdays.

I know you will be right there. Like Aunt Loni says: you don't miss a beat. <3

I love you my angel.

Sweet dreams.

Goodnight

Love,
Mommy

Feeling again

My mouse,

They say love is what makes the world go round & now more than ever, I find this old line to be so true. The only bad thing is that the world right now seems to be lacking it, now when we need it the most.

So many bad things are happening. It's hard not to get caught up in the anger & sadness of it all. To try & stay happy & sane in our own little bubbles, when all around us is chaos...

But I guess each one of us is living in our own little world of chaos too. Maybe that's the problem- all those lives living in chaos all at once, all these mini tornadoes & storms...combining into one major hurricane.

What can be the solution other than to turn towards love, empathy & kindness. To hope & not fear. To ask for help or offer help if needed. To not only have faith but take action for the good of mankind? Because in faith alone we cannot rely.

After all, if any of this was in His power...wouldn't of he done something already??
...

I don't know if this makes sense my mouse. I guess like so many, the ones that pay attention...I'm wondering what is happening right now.

I guess also...part of me is glad that I even care. That anything matters anymore. There was a time...and sometimes now still, when they don't...& that to me, is the scariest feeling of all.

I know half of me; my soul, my mind & my heart left with you...

It feels like a hundred years sometimes, that I've been living this way. With half a heart. Half a soul. Half a mind. I'm still learning how to cope. How to live again. To really live...not robotically, not on autopilot...not just half alive...

I used to not care. About anything. I couldn't. It was overwhelming to even breathe...
...

Now that I feel it all coming back to me, somewhat slowly...it's good & bad.

Good because I can wake up & look forward to something. Actually feel excited. I can participate in life- not forcibly. I can almost...for a split seconds at a time...even forget. Not about you of course, my angel. But about the pain...

Like today- helping your sister bake Grandma & Pop Pop's surprise anniversary cookies:

Your sister did such a great job. <3

We can't wait for G & P to see them. :)

...

 

On the other side of that baby girl, is feeling the bad too.

 

Just recently we received some news about my mom. I could fill many letters with how I feel about this. I can't right now...

 

But my heart is hurting.

 

Again, all we can do is rely on love, hope & faith to carry us through.

 

If you are watching my angel- if you have any pull with Him, please ask him to look out for her. I don't believe in miracles...but if he could just make sure she's ok, protected, safe. That's all I ask. We will try & do the rest.

 

I love you my little girl.

 

I miss you with all my heart.

 

I hope everything will be ok.

 

Forever & ever,

Mommy <3

 

 

 



Half a butterfly wing Bella found at the gardens. She said
it's a present you left for her. <3

A Haileyfly at the dog park. <3

~

More memories

My Sweet Haileymouse,

These last couple of weeks have been busy. We've been trying to enjoy this last month of summer while also trying to get the important things done.

Last week we went to the waterpark at the same park where Dylan's birthday was three years ago. When Daddy said he wanted to go there & try their lazy river...immediately I remembered the last time we were there. When we got there, the memories were vivid in my mind. My heart ached.

I thought to myself...Who would of thought? Who would of thought almost three years ago, as we were celebrating Dylan's birthday that the next time we visited...would be without you, my dear mouse. I almost felt guilty going to the waterpark; having fun...when everything's so changed. How could we?
...

After we spent the afternoon there, with Daddy, Sissy, Bella & Natalia & Daniella...when it was time to go, I left a few minutes earlier with Sissy to stroll around the same lake we walked to almost 3 years ago. That day was much more hotter & stickier. I remember your hair was half down & you were annoyed you didn't have an extra hairband. You walked up with Valeria who was even grumpier due to the heat & bees that were hanging around...



You & Val by the lake.

Annoyed you didn't have any extra hairband.

One of my favorite pics. Beautiful smile- blue brace bands to match your dress.

These were the memories that were vivid in my mind. Missing you- wishing I could go back to that day.
...

Going back to the therapist yesterday, (I wasn't there but Daddy went with your sister), she asked if we feel guilty. She asked if she thinks there's something wrong with the way she's grieving. When Bella answered no, she said good...because she shouldn't. We shouldn't.

That the memories we have with you are precious, that we shouldn't try to replicate them. That it's ok to try & make new ones, without feeling guilty. That the way she's grieving, the way we are all grieving is normal...

Sometimes it helps to hear from an outsider my angel.

I have to be honest though....to the question of whether we feel guilty. I do. I think I always will. Because I am your mother. I should have known...

No matter what anyone says; however nice it is to hear & even helpful from sinking all the way to the bottom...

I will always feel that way.

That's that. I just can't help it.
...

In an alternate universe, we are still together. Laughing, carrying on like we were before. But here for now, I carry you in my heart.

My sweet angel. My beautiful girl.

I love you forever & ever.
Your mommy

Can't wait

Baby girl,

Daddy posted this the other day & I saved it. It reminded me how you used to walk into our bedroom to say goodnight with your PJ's on, pig tails braided, carrying your pillow sheet...

You would give us kisses & in your sweet soft voice, wish us goodnight.

Just like he said; you would say, "See you in the morning." & he would respond "I can't wait" & each & every time, you would smile. It became a tradition.

So much power in two little words: Can't wait.

Can't wait to see you again.
Can't wait to hold you.
Can't wait to see your beautiful smile.
To hug & kiss you.
To hear your sweet soft voice again & again...

Goodnight my mouse.
I love you to the moon & back.

See you in my dreams.

I can't wait.

Mommy <3

Podcast on grief

My mouse,

This podcast is one I wanted to save because after listening to it, it gives me hope that maybe I'm not all wrong in the things I understand & believe about loss & grieving. It touches on many things I can relate to; about our "story".

It's a painful reminder that I will forever miss & grieve for you, but that it's normal because I'm human & I've lost my beautiful daughter. I'm not stuck or crazy or clinically depressed...

It also lets me that I'm not wrong or crazy in writing you these letters. It's not only a way for me to still "talk' to you & tell you that I love you & miss you...but it helps with the healing.

These things I find...or maybe they find me...but either way I'm grateful for. They also let me know I'm not alone.

http://think.kera.org/2017/07/03/getting-grief-right/

I hope that one day, if your sisters these letters; this will help them too. Or anyone else that is hurting & grieving...

I love & miss you with all my heart.

Forever,
Your mommy

~

Her name was Hailey

My sweet girl,

I'm learning over & over how grief can hit whenever & however it wants. Things can be going ok one minute, maybe even more than ok...then boom.

Yesterday was my day off & I was up early working on the yard, something I actually enjoy doing. There's something therapeutic about it, being out there in the sun (early or late before it's too too hot), the dirt, watering, seeding, weeding...it gets my mind off things. Just like cleaning does- I know, your momma is crazy.

But I was out there living, doing...rather than sitting, sleeping or not doing...not living. Sometimes it's a choice we have to make & stick to it. When you are living life like I am now; day to day, sometimes hour to hour, minute by minute- these small things become big things.

Aiden's mom mentioned that once on a FB post. She said she kept a to-do list (recommended by her therapist) those early months & if she could at least cross one thing off a day, it gave her a sense of accomplishment. It helped her fight her battle with depression; with grief.

I agree. It helps us keep one foot in front of the other...
...

Anyway my angel, I don't know if you saw our neighbor come over & help me finish cutting the grass as I was pulling the weeds in the flower garden.

I don't know if you heard him ask (in his broken English) about the angel I have out there...asking "Maria? Maria?" Which I think he meant; Mary, as in the Virgin Mary?

I answered "No, my daughter." He laughed a little, looking surprised & confused & asked, "Your daughter?!" Then I proceeded to explain to him..."My daughter died two years ago. She's an angel."

He was no longer confused. I watched his face fall as he began to understand.

Then for some reason that I don't even know why...I went in the house & got a picture of you to show him. I showed him a smiling picture of you from a time you asked me to straighten your hair with the blow dryer. So beautiful. So sweet.

With tears running down my face, I told him again how you died two years ago, from Type One Diabetes. Your name was Hailey.

With his sad face & limited English, he said "Ohhh, my mother too. I'm sorry." And gave me a small hug.
...

When I went back to Sissy's room to put your picture back, I broke down in tears. Two years. Her name was Hailey. She died. Our angel.

I cried like I am now. Maybe it was saying the words out loud to a stranger. Saying "died" instead of "passed" like I normally do so he could understand. Saying two years.....two years & 3 months to be exact...

Maybe it was looking down at your smiling face & feeling the pain all over again. Missing you. Wishing it was all a bad dream. A lie.

But it isn't & there's nothing I can do.
...

I'm sorry baby girl. I wish I could. I wish I could of done more. I wish we never went. I wish so many things...

Your name was Hailey. Your name will always be Hailey. You will always be my daughter, my heart, my life.

I will always love you.

You will always be our precious angel.

And you didn't die. You are still alive in our hearts. You are waiting on the other side & we will one day see you again.

This is what I believe- what I know in my heart to be true.

And I will look forward to that day...for the rest of my life.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

The picture I showed him. My Hailey <3

And you still are. You & your sisters.