Revelations

Baby girl,

A couple nights ago, Uncle Bri called to tell me an old friend passed away unexpectedly. His name was Christian. He was only a few years older than us.

It was sad to hear of course. Last time I saw him was at Dana's life celebration get-together 3 years ago...before that it had been a long time too. But Uncle Bri kept in touch with him more frequently over the years, they were definitely close & he was in tears telling me that his girlfriend found him at home slumped over. :(
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Christian was one of the good ones. He was a great guy- a great kind-hearted soul, with an infectious smile & always the life of the party. That's where most of my memories of him are from- all the parties he would throw at his house, back in the old carefree days when your mom was a crazy teenager...

You never met him but I brought Sissy over when she was about a year old, for him, Dana & the gang to meet her.
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It didn't really hit me until yesterday, remembering all those good times with him. Remembering his fun, kind & happy self. It made me sad all day...just thinking about death again. Sad to think of another person I knew gone. Happy to picture him & Dana together (he really cared for her) & sad again to think that maybe you'd pay him a visit for me....just by chance because he was an old friend of mine.

I know that if you would of ever met him, you would instantly love him. He was just one of those guys. So if by chance you do want to meet him, it's ok. It's ok to give him a big hug from me too. Tell him I said hi. <3
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I was sad too about Auntie & what she's going through with Dylan. His seizures are getting worse & they are hoping to find treatment for him that won't have too many bad side effects. :( My mom too had a bad couple of days & of course we're trying to help with that too...

It's too much sometimes. All this added to the worries & stress of a "normal" life. Praying, trying to be strong, remaining positive is what we try to do. But sometimes even that fails to bring peace of mind.
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I don't understand how this life works baby girl. No matter how much I've experienced or read about or dig for answers & clues. I know that no one's life is perfect. But it seems unfair that more good people suffer than not, when it's not deserved.

I can only hope that where you are- it's different. That you are not suffering & that there is peace, happiness & beauty all around.

From the signs you've given me, I'm convinced it really is.

Maybe that's why when I hear about death now...someone passing; only part of me is sad. The other part of me is envious...because I imagine what the next life will be like & knowing that it will include you can only make it better & sometimes I find it hard to wait baby girl.

Because I miss you so much.

This might sound strange or morbid to those who don't understand a grieving heart- the grieving heart of a mother. But where I used to fear it, I know it's inevitable now. Where I used to avoid thinking about it, I think about it all the time now.

While I feel gratitude for waking up each day in this life, I don't feel fear for when the one day comes when I will wake in the next one.

To find a better way to explain myself I looked for quotes & to my surprise these are the ones that I found:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18               
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Romans 8:18               
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

2 Timothy 4:7           
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

John 16:22               
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you

Revelation 21:4               
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 14:13               
And I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”

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Maybe I'm not crazy after all?

Without knowing the first thing about the bible, my feelings lead me to these quotes.

I continue to search for answers & peace my angel. Sometimes I find that the answers are looking for me.

I will continue with an open heart & an open mind, because I know you are guiding me along the way.

I love & miss you, my beautiful girl.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Giving life

My sweet girl,

Another weekend gone. Now that I'm off on weekends again, I can once again look forward to them & complain that they've passed too quickly...& dread Monday's too; my "long" days at work...

On one hand it's comforting to go back to somewhat of a routine again, it's numbing. But on the other hand it's a reminder that this life now, the one we are living without you...is becoming our new "routine", weather we like it or not, without having a say or a choice. :(

I wonder whether I will ever make peace with that fact, whether I will ever truly accept it.
...

I talked to my mom today & she asked how I was doing & coming from her, it's never a casual question. She always truly & really wants to know how I'm doing...

Maybe because she's my mom, I find it hard to disguise my feelings with her. Sometimes, on my really bad days I avoid talking to her because I know she'll know & I don't want to worry her more.

But today I told her the truth. I told her that I've been trying to keep busy, in order not to think. That your sisters help with that, because they've been so busy with school etc. That they don't only help me stay busy, they also keep me grounded.
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She saw the pictures on Facebook I posted of Bella baking bread yesterday & was happy & impressed the results. She said, "She is so much like you." She went on about how happy it makes her to see & talk to all of us through Facebook & Whats App (which we started doing just recently, now that Tia is there visiting & has a mobile phone).

I can understand her happiness baby girl, because just like your sisters give me life by being their mom, we give my mom life by including her in ours...by allowing her to be our mom too, even now as adults.

It's hard to explain, but that is the best way I know how.
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You only knew a little of her life when you first met her & you never got to know her more. That will always be a great sadness for me & even for her. She talks about it all the time.

There was already much sadness in her life because of so many things that happened in her past & because of her mental state & losing you made it worse...

Just a few weeks ago, they were ready to place her in a home, clinic or hospital because she wasn't doing well & this caused a lot of pain & anguish on all sides. It's too much to get into baby girl, I'm sure you were watching. :( I know God knows about it too because we prayed & prayed about it.

Some of our prayers might have been answered, because she's still home now with Abuelito...for now. It's always day to day with her, but she seems better & I think it's because we've tried to reach out to her more often with the calls, pics & video chats. I think it gives her life.

Just like your sisters give me life.
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The baking Bella & I have been doing, or the concerts Sissy & I have been attending may seem like little things but they are big things. To live this life....you have to put your part in to really live it, take participation, day in & out & have people with whom to share it with...share your everything- the good & the bad.

Without that, the sadness takes over. Without them & Daddy, the sadness would take over. Just like for my mom; without us, the sadness would take over too.

She does her part by trying to stay busy. She reads, listens to music on her CD player, walks a ton, goes to church & hangs out with her sisters. But her sadness at the end of the day lies in being so far away from us, her real family. I hope one day that will change. But for now, all we can do is show her she is not alone & that she is loved, to try & give her a little life.
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Bella is turning out to be quite the baker.

I have enjoyed being her assistant this past year, ever since Pop Pop gave us the nice mixer for Christmas. :)

I told Papi last night, when we brought him some of the homemade rolls we made- that it's very therapeutic. I'm sure he understands, being a chef & all, about the satisfaction in making something out of care & love & then sharing it with others. He nodded in agreement. We enjoyed our rolls over a nice tea.

 

Bella the baker. One day to be...Bella's Bakery.

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Your sister's excitement & enthusiasm over things she loves like baking, is contagious. She gives me life.

Sissy's excitement & enthusiasm when she bought her very own lap top (she paid half & the other half was her birthday present) so she can achieve her goals in school- gives me life.

To hear Daddy come home from work & tell me one of his customers was a nurse & they ended up talking about you & type one diabetes- gives me life.

Their strength, happiness & even sadness passes on to me but we bear it together.
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So it was true when I told my mom that keeping busy helps, baby girl. But keeping busy doesn't mean we forget.

This morning we had the rolls for breakfast & we lit a candle in your place just like we usually do. I went to Lowe's to buy a sprinkler & saw the most beautiful purple Aster flowers & bought one for the yard. I found out it feeds bees & butterflies in the fall.

I bought more soil & seeds to fix the patches by your plaque that the weeds got to over the summer...

A new routine, because we don't have a choice.

Your sisters will forever bring me new life, but I know sadness will forever try & take it away.

Because I miss you my sweet girl.
...

So everyday is a struggle...one day of joy does not take the sadness away. So I call my mom & send her pics as often as I can, remembering this. Just like I look forward to being there for your sisters, to be useful & have a reason...

Giving & receiving is how we bear through.

Still one day at a time.

One day closer to you.
...

Loving & missing you more than ever.

Forever,
Your mommy

~

*her*

Disasters

My beautiful girl,

I talked to Auntie & she told me about her tough day & despite how trying it was, she felt as though you showed her signs letting her know you were around. After listening to everything, I think they were signs too.

I remember what the medium said, that anytime "something happens & you have a feeling or you find yourself wondering...that it's never a coincidence. Almost always, it's your angel sending you a sign."

Also, I know if you could, you would always look out for her & the boys if they needed you. You loved each other like brothers & sisters. Auntie says Dylan still always talks about you- that he wants to go to "Rainbow Beach"- that there is such a place & he knows you'd be there. <3

Please ask God if you can, to watch over him my mouse. He's going through some things now & we are worried about him. I have faith that everything will be ok, but it doesn't hurt to pray & ask.
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There have been many reasons to pray about lately. In the last few weeks there's been several hurricanes, earthquakes, flooding...so much tragedy. It's hard to take it all in baby girl. I can't...

Yesterday I read about them finding the bodies of school children under rubble after a terrible earthquake in Mexico...I couldn't read much without my anxiety kicking in. I had to stop reading, stop watching....it's so heartbreaking. Then of course the age old question comes to mind- why, why, why??

Why?
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Maybe one day we'll have all the answers. I wonder if you are watching all these disasters & wonder what you are thinking.. :(

There are so many that have lost everything & here I type on a laptop, comfy on my couch under a roof, with air conditioning & electricity, with a full belly. My conscious can't rest easy. I have donated many times before during hurricane Sandy & Katrina...I'll have to find a way to help again. I feel that these are the times when God is watching closely. If not God, then life, Karma. The universe...somebody is always watching.

Maybe we can make a care package & send it to someone in need- on behalf of Hailey's Angels. <3

I know that's what you would of wanted.
...

My sweet girl. I pray these disasters stop- yet I don't believe God has any command over Mother Nature.

We live in scary times, yet I'm not scared for myself. Your sisters yes, not for me. I have lived through my own worst disaster- still am. Still trying to recover...

Yes, it can always be worse. But for now, I won't think about that. I'll think about what we can do to make it better. That helps. Prayers too, they help. They may not solve problems, but they give hope.

And hope is the one thing we need more than anything right now.

I love & miss you so much.

Everyday you are on my mind. Everyday in my heart.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy

Maybe not today, but someday. Not a Debbie Downer-just
a reminder to love with everything you got.

A Journey Through Grief

"The truth is that no one can comfort you to your expectations; nor can you grieve to the expectations of another."

"Comfort is not a one-time treatment or cure for grief. In grief, you need is for repeated comfort- again & yet again."

"In comfort & strength, lift your heart toward new life:

- Read for grief understanding & spiritual enrichment

- Write in a journal to reflect within your inmost heart. Words show where you have been & give direction for the future.

- Share your story with others in a safe environment of care & compassion.

- Find a confidential grief friend who listens with kindness & empathy.

- Stay connected to the world; it is not waiting on you or for you."

...

"As you adjust through grief, you slowly let go of the physical life that once was. But you will never forget, ever. Your earthly life together was real. Nothing can void what you experienced in your lifetime together with your loved one, however long or short."

Pefect day



Mouse,

These pictures popped up on my FB memories this morning (technically, yesterday morning). They're some of my favorite pictures of us, taken on a hike to Harper's Ferry five years ago. A drive that we made on a whim, on a Sunday that Daddy probably had off.

Because of his work schedule; his rotating Sundays; these family adventures were few. It was usually always just us girls. But this was one of those days, when we were all together & the weather was perfect, & I chose a destination that Google suggested on a map & off we went.

Sometimes unplanned trips are the best. This was one of those times.
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The pictures say it all baby girl. The smiles, the love. Being out in nature- by the water & the train tracks. Walking the trails, not knowing where we will end up. An old town with history. Learning, observing, exploring...shuttle bus tours. There were even horses too!

I remember that we even found a cute little restaurant with outdoor seating on top of a hill, overlooking the trees & as we sat, we could feel a nice cool breeze...so refreshing after all that walking. As we sat there talking & dining, I remember looking out to the beautiful view thinking & feeling that we were in a different place altogether. Another country, or even a different world...

For just that moment in time, it didn't feel as if we were just hanging out in a little place only 40 minutes from home, but that we were somewhere far, far, far away...

Somewhere I wanted to stay forever.

It was so much fun my mouse. Do you remember?
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The black & white picture of you on the top left & the one right underneath are two of my favorites of you. I framed the black & white one. I keep it in the living room on top of a chest filled with remembrance & angel decorations.
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I have been asked before, by Aunt Didi & others.. "Where WAS this picture taken?" as they look at it in awe. And I tell them.

I think they are moved by it because they see what I see & always remember:

You baby girl.

This was no lucky shot. No posing or pretending...

Just you.

In your most purest, sweetest & beautiful form. Our angel.

This was you then & who you will forever be...

With that smile, that's imprinted in our hearts & minds forever & ever.
...

Every time I walk by this picture & I look at you, I remember this day & I am transported back to this perfect day.

Our precious memories, that can never be taken away.

Just you. Just us. Somewhere far far away...

And I could go one for one more day, because my heart rejoices in knowing, that one day we will all reunite in such a place.

It will once again be, another perfect day.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy

Harpers Ferry 2012 <3

Dream

My beautiful girl,

After days of wishing to see you in my dreams I finally woke up this morning to your beautiful face & one of your warm hugs...

Maybe because Bella & I were talking about you last night before bed. She noticed I had a tough day. She always does. Seems to be the only one sometimes. But she came to check on me before bed & say goodnight. She took one look & said:

"I know Mommy, I miss her too. You know you don't have to be strong all the time."

Oh baby girl. She hugged me & I hugged her in return so tight, kissing her with tears falling out of my eyes... making her cheeks wet.

Your sister is such an old beautiful soul.

I told her she's my saving grace. Though the funny thing is strong is the last thing I feel most days.
...

Her getting into the shower is what half woke me up this morning, while dreaming of you, still in the middle of a deep deep sleep. Like I was half unconscious; half in my dream, half waking to reality. In my dream you were little again, about 6 or 7, you were wearing this white tank top, what we always call an "undershirt".

You would wear it around the house a lot. Since you mostly wore hand-me-downs from Sissy & your cousins, they were always about 2 sizes too big. The front would be loose & the spaghetti straps would be hanging. I'd always be able to see the front of your little flat chest- always so bony, my skinny mouse. But you hated to be called skinny.

It was like that in my dream too. The undershirt was big & I could see your chest. Your wavy black hair was flowing...

There were other parts of my dream I could not make out though baby girl, that were strange. Black hair all over the floor, in a place I didn't recognize...like we were living in someone else's house. I kept calling on you girls to clean the "mess", the hair, saying we were expecting company...

I saw you playing in the corner with some other little girl, I couldn't make out who. After like the 3rd time calling your name, you finally walked over smiling. That's when I finally started waking...

And because I knew I was going to be leaving my dream soon, my mouse, I hugged you & you hugged me back. Like I consciously made it happen, because I knew it would be my last chance.

I savored every second of having you in my arms. My little girl. With your little frame. It was so real. Your hair, the same as I remember....everything the same as I remember...
...

So so painful but beautiful too. I would rather endure the pain of waking to reality than to never dream of you at all.

Oh my sweet girl. Sometimes I don't know how much more I could take. Some days I feel like I can take no more.

But then I remember your sisters too. Bella hugging me last night. Telling me she misses you too. That she knows...

I wish she didn't. I wish this was all just a dream, one of those you wake up from & feel relief knowing it was just that- a dream. Just a dream.

But ours is one that we will never wake from. In fact, every morning we remember it anew.
...

I will tell myself there will be better days.

I will tell myself not to be sad, that you are watching from above.

I will tell myself that I will get to hug you for real one day.

I love you baby girl. I miss you with all my soul.

Mommy

Back to school nights

Mouse,

It's been so busy these days, I find myself with less & less time to write. But sometimes the laundry, dishes & cooking have to wait. Sometimes my heart calls out & I have to stop, & listen.

It's Tuesday, but it feels like another Monday.

Sissy & Daddy are working (the only school night she'll be working, for now at least). Bella is busy doing her homework (she actually has homework this year & a lot of it). This is the first evening I can sit with my thoughts.
...

Last night was back-to-school night for Bella & last week was Sissy's. So yesterday, after working all day & making dinner, I forced myself to go to the middle school where you should of been going too...

It was hard baby girl. I think the only reason my anxiety didn't get the best of me is because I was really tired. I went through the motions of following your sister's schedule; class by class, meeting her teachers & listening to their introductions etc. I was lucky not to fall asleep for a couple of them. I felt like I was back in school myself...

I tried to revert my thoughts from haunting me, yet there they were. I never had a chance to do this for you. You never got to start 6th grade. You should be in 8th grade now...on & on. My heart was hurting, just like it is now.

My only saving grace was your sister's smiling face. Bella decided to come with me at the last minute to buy some books at the book fair & do her homework in the library. She was excited because she saw many of her friends there. She was super excited & happy. It's hard for some of that not to rub off. :) I love her so much for it. Always knows how to make me feel better. <3
...

Last week was Sissy's. I was surprised at some of the classes she's going to be taking. I knew they were going to be challenging, but I think she's really going to have her work cut out for her, my mouse. Which is why I told her to cut her hours at work down to two days...

During one of her classes- the AP Capstone class, her teacher started off by saying "Let me just begin by telling you that the fact that your child chose this class & this program, says a lot about your child. It says they are mature, responsible & they care about their future. Not only does it say a lot about them, but it says a lot about you, the parents responsible for raising them. I have to also acknowledge & give thanks to you, the parents...for raising them to be terrific individuals"...

It was pretty awesome to hear baby girl. We all smiled as we looked around the room at one another. She went on about other things too, but that is what I most remember, what I took with me that night.

I will try hard to remember this whenever Sissy is in one of her moods & is giving me a hard time. ;)

We talked about how you would be in school now, your sisters & I. We guessed that you would be a social butterfly, like usual. But that you would also be smart & responsible. After all, you always had Sissy to look up to, & you always did. I love her for that too, baby girl.
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I go on, with part of my heart always missing. Because your sisters & Daddy take up the other parts...

and because I have to.

Because I know you would want me to.
...

But I miss you so much my mouse. What I would do now to just feel one of your big bear hugs...

Life isn't fair. It seems that no matter what, one can't have it all.

So we are left to just be grateful for what we do have.

What other choice is there?
...

I love you my beautiful angel.

I hope you are flying high & free.

I know that no matter what, our bond will never be broken.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

I miss you.

~

Humble & Hard

Baby girl,

A couple days ago Ayde told me she had a dream of you & you were happy, smiling & playing. She asked why don't you come see me & you answered that you do, that you're always there when I come talk to you at my favorite place....& that I always know you're there with me.

It must be the gardens, because that's where I go most often to talk to you. It's usually so nice & peaceful there...

I do feel your spirit baby girl. Just like I can feel God's presence too. More so lately.
...

It's weird for me to say that & hard to explain why...but maybe I can try.

I guess I never been much a believer in anything. Mainly because of our upbringing, the hard life we've had...so many things.

Because of the hard life we had, I guess I was hard too. Maybe that's the choice we have after all; to be hard or humble. Sometimes we don't get to make that choice either. Sometimes life makes it for you.
...

In my case,

I started out innocent as we all do.

Then I became hard.

Now, I'm humble...
...

Life has broken down my walls, my dignity...my barriers. Broken me down period, my mouse. Now I feel weak, vulnerable, fragile, hurt.

With no such energy to become hard again. It takes more energy & will than people ever realize.

So it seems like my only other choice is stay humble.

It seems easier to follow your guiding light & God's too, that way.

These thoughts came to me today baby girl, as I was walking Rocky. Looking up at the bright blue skies, thinking of you. Breathing in the fresh air & feeling the cool breeze...

I don't know which is better baby girl, to get through this life- hard or humble. I think maybe you need a little of both.

All I know is that being hard sometimes, you miss out on all the small stuff life has to offer. It's right in front of us, but we are still lost, searching for more & we just keep hardening.

But the sad thing is that not everyone has this moment of enlightenment. It seems unfair, because everyone should get the chance...& not at the price we had to pay.

You continue to teach me so many things & I am thankful. But I still miss you more than words could say.

And I would still trade it all to have you back. Because of that, a little piece of me will still remain hard. It just can't be helped.

I love you my beautiful angel.

Forever,
Your mommy

Part of me

My angel,

September is here. Your sisters are on their second week of school. Yesterday was Labor Day. The days keep passing...time keeps ticking, with no chance to stop or hit pause. No chance to hit rewind or fast forward.

It amazes me how time can still pass by so fast, when we are still living day by day, hour by hour. But it does.

It finally seems like we are back on a daily routine schedule with school & work. It took a whole week to adjust our sleep schedules etc.

Sissy is on her junior year now & Bella in middle school. It's going to be a tough year for Sissy since she has all those AP courses. Bella was really nervous for her first day of school but it looks like she's getting the hang of it.

Your sisters are growing my mouse. As they grow & change, so does my role as a parent. There are things that I don't have to worry so much about now, like preparing school lunches, making sure their homework is done; the small things.

It's the big things I have to worry more about now. I'd like to think I've taught them enough to steer them in the right direction. But they are still young yet baby girl. As tiring as it gets, it seems that I have to be more involved now than ever.

My time is divided between that, work, Daddy & my family. I continue to look towards the positive side; to be grateful for all the things we have, like each other. Our jobs, our roof, food...it seems cliché baby girl. But watching the news & the state of the world these days, these are big things too.

It doesn't take away the pain. It might mute it only for a moment. I've accepted the fact that the pain will never go away. That it's here to stay, in many shapes, forms & sizes. Depending on the day, the minute, the hour.

But if I can make room for the pain as well as joy & gratitude in my heart baby girl...if I can do both, maybe it's possible to still make it through this life. Until I see you again.

It's a big feat, but if it can make life more bearable, than I'm willing to try. 
...

I continue to try & heal. Sometimes I drown myself in sorrow on purpose. Sometimes I still need to. Grief has become part of me. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I need that time to be alone with it...

I still watch & read movies about loss...still looking for answers. Still looking for hope. I do find them baby girl. It helps me.

Just recently I watched the movies; The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby Him & Her, about a couple dealing with the loss of their son. Here are some quotes:

"Tragedy is a foreign country. We don't know how to talk to the natives."

"I wasn't prepared for what it feels like."

"A shooting star only lasts a second, but... aren't you glad to at least have seen it?"

"Do I seem like a different person to you?"

"We live in a world of probabilities."

And a quote from another movie I recently saw that I can't even remember the name of...

 "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

That one is my favorite.
...

I long to see you my mouse. To be with you. To see your sweet smile.

When it seems like I can't take another moment, I close my eyes.

There, in my mind I can see you smiling bright. See the happiness & love radiating from your eyes. I can see the beautiful waves in your hair & the soft outline of nose & lips.

Your beautiful face forever engraved in my mind, forever engraved in my heart. Nothing will ever erase it. Also a part of me...
...

I'm looking forward for fall to start my angel.

I'm also going to look into continuing working on T1D awareness. I know God has a mission for me & I don't want to lose track.

In the meantime all I ask is that he continue to protect our loved ones. That he continue to give us strength & some peace.

In return, I'll do whatever it takes to see you again. Please tell him though, that I need his help, ok?
...

I love & miss you everyday.

From now until the end of time.

My sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Jersey

This is the Riding on Insulin jersey that Jesse's mom created
for all the kids in our group in honor of our beautiful kids
lost to T1D. Too many names, but awesome tribute. They will
be wearing these jerseys during their bike race in which they will
stop at mile 23 (the day that Jesse passed Feb. 3) for a moment
of silence; for Jesse, you & all the other angels. <3

<3

I love you.