 |
| <3 |
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Gloom
My dear baby girl,
Today the sun finally came out, after what feels like days & weekends of rain & gloominess. Even though I try not to let it affect me, it does. Yesterday, I had to take a "me" day, because I could feel the heaviness in my heart.
Instead of staying home though, I forced myself to go out & treat myself to a haircut & to get my eyebrows waxed. I happened to look at a mirror the other day when I went out to run some errands & I didn't like what I saw.
Working from home has it's perks, but it's easy to let oneself go...without noticing, I guess it's happening to me.
...
It was good to take a "mental health day" too. Away from the gloominess of my work & away from the gloominess of the house.
I've started to work out at home & started jogging a little too. Just a little for now, because of my darn knees. Hopefully I can build strength & endurance over time.
But all this causes the triggers baby girl. This internal struggle...
I'm trying to remember, to choose love, my angel.
It's the cycle- of winter months, weight gain, then New Years, new resolutions, Spring, wanting to lose weight & get back in shape....the cycle. I wonder if it will be like this every year. Every year with the same memories...
But I look in the mirror & don't like what I see, or how I feel. I try & remind myself, that you would want me- us, be healthy, both in physical & spiritual mind. That you would want us to keep continuing what we wanted to accomplish three years ago.
I know you would. But it's still hard. Even though, Sissy joined the gym on her own about a month ago. Bella started dance lessons just before Christmas. She goes every Friday & will be in a recital in June. She loves it.
We are trying baby girl, for us & for you.
...
In the meantime, I'm still trying to spread awareness in these little ways. In sharing on FB or Instagram.
This is how we go on, my angel.
Even with so much pain, so much struggle, we push forward.
...
I have been going through pics & scanning them for Papi's bday slideshow. So many memories, many triggers there too...
All these special moments that build a lifetime. It's like watching a movie or reading a book of someone else's life baby girl. So many scenes, so many chapters...
It's hard to capture them all in a short slide show, but I'll try.
...
I'm hoping for more sun this week my angel. Last night while walking Rocky, me & your sisters noticed the stars & the clear sky again after days of rain & we all said in unison,
"Hi Mouse!" <3
...
We love & miss you. Every single day.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
Today the sun finally came out, after what feels like days & weekends of rain & gloominess. Even though I try not to let it affect me, it does. Yesterday, I had to take a "me" day, because I could feel the heaviness in my heart.
Instead of staying home though, I forced myself to go out & treat myself to a haircut & to get my eyebrows waxed. I happened to look at a mirror the other day when I went out to run some errands & I didn't like what I saw.
Working from home has it's perks, but it's easy to let oneself go...without noticing, I guess it's happening to me.
...
It was good to take a "mental health day" too. Away from the gloominess of my work & away from the gloominess of the house.
I've started to work out at home & started jogging a little too. Just a little for now, because of my darn knees. Hopefully I can build strength & endurance over time.
But all this causes the triggers baby girl. This internal struggle...
I'm trying to remember, to choose love, my angel.
It's the cycle- of winter months, weight gain, then New Years, new resolutions, Spring, wanting to lose weight & get back in shape....the cycle. I wonder if it will be like this every year. Every year with the same memories...
But I look in the mirror & don't like what I see, or how I feel. I try & remind myself, that you would want me- us, be healthy, both in physical & spiritual mind. That you would want us to keep continuing what we wanted to accomplish three years ago.
I know you would. But it's still hard. Even though, Sissy joined the gym on her own about a month ago. Bella started dance lessons just before Christmas. She goes every Friday & will be in a recital in June. She loves it.
We are trying baby girl, for us & for you.
...
In the meantime, I'm still trying to spread awareness in these little ways. In sharing on FB or Instagram.
This is how we go on, my angel.
Even with so much pain, so much struggle, we push forward.
...
I have been going through pics & scanning them for Papi's bday slideshow. So many memories, many triggers there too...
All these special moments that build a lifetime. It's like watching a movie or reading a book of someone else's life baby girl. So many scenes, so many chapters...
It's hard to capture them all in a short slide show, but I'll try.
...
I'm hoping for more sun this week my angel. Last night while walking Rocky, me & your sisters noticed the stars & the clear sky again after days of rain & we all said in unison,
"Hi Mouse!" <3
...
We love & miss you. Every single day.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
Saturday, February 24, 2018
A Journey Through Grief~ Acceptance & God
Mouse,
Will I ever fully accept? Sometimes I think I have, ever so reluctantly. Sometimes I think I never will. I'll never want to. Yet I "buy new sheets, new car"...
Yet, I can see God in everything...and I see you in everything too.
...
“Acceptance is, in part, a slow metamorphosis of the mind.”
“When you deconstruct your subconscious walls of self-protection and live again in open, free exchange with others and the world, you are arrive at acceptance.”
“When the thoughts of your mind find expression in words, you hear what grows inside after the death of your loved one. They speak of that which dwells deep within. Acceptance speaks peace. Acceptance speaks love. Acceptance speaks gratitude for the gifts of grief and the gift of life.”
...
“But if you allow grief to defeat your spirit, acceptance may be a dull resignation that has little to do with hope and faith.”
“With the death of your loved one, it is understandable that for a while negative thoughts easily overwhelm the positive. Yet life lived in chronic negativity is life lived in darkness. Acceptance cannot penetrate darkness; it thrives on light.”
“In acceptance, you transcend physical loss and embrace the spirit of that person’s life and love that remains with you always.”
“As adjustment slowly shifts to acceptance, the cold reality of absence is eased by the certainty of endearing love: “Love and faithfulness meet together, righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from earth, and righteousness look down from heaven.” (Psalm 85:10-11 NIV)
“The whispered spiritual presence of your loved one surround you each day, encouraging you to live on and share your legacy of love with others.”
...
“God has not ordained your loss and sorrow. Rather, God meets you at your place of brokenness; God is here in everything.”
“God leads you and works with you to shape a life of meaning and purpose.”
“Everything new is an outward reflection of your growing acceptance. If you buy sheets, decide on a new car, take a trip, or move your place of residence, you affirm acceptance of life as it is.”
“Finally acceptance is victory. Acceptance is the strength and power of an unconquerable soul. As clouds of doubt and fear slowly drift away, you find yourself standing at last, reanimated to the life in the full sun light of God’s wonderful grace. And in this moment you are assured from within that there is life beyond grief because there is life beyond death.”
Will I ever fully accept? Sometimes I think I have, ever so reluctantly. Sometimes I think I never will. I'll never want to. Yet I "buy new sheets, new car"...
Yet, I can see God in everything...and I see you in everything too.
...
“Acceptance is, in part, a slow metamorphosis of the mind.”
“When you deconstruct your subconscious walls of self-protection and live again in open, free exchange with others and the world, you are arrive at acceptance.”
“When the thoughts of your mind find expression in words, you hear what grows inside after the death of your loved one. They speak of that which dwells deep within. Acceptance speaks peace. Acceptance speaks love. Acceptance speaks gratitude for the gifts of grief and the gift of life.”
...
“But if you allow grief to defeat your spirit, acceptance may be a dull resignation that has little to do with hope and faith.”
“With the death of your loved one, it is understandable that for a while negative thoughts easily overwhelm the positive. Yet life lived in chronic negativity is life lived in darkness. Acceptance cannot penetrate darkness; it thrives on light.”
“In acceptance, you transcend physical loss and embrace the spirit of that person’s life and love that remains with you always.”
“As adjustment slowly shifts to acceptance, the cold reality of absence is eased by the certainty of endearing love: “Love and faithfulness meet together, righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from earth, and righteousness look down from heaven.” (Psalm 85:10-11 NIV)
“The whispered spiritual presence of your loved one surround you each day, encouraging you to live on and share your legacy of love with others.”
...
“God has not ordained your loss and sorrow. Rather, God meets you at your place of brokenness; God is here in everything.”
“God leads you and works with you to shape a life of meaning and purpose.”
“Everything new is an outward reflection of your growing acceptance. If you buy sheets, decide on a new car, take a trip, or move your place of residence, you affirm acceptance of life as it is.”
“Finally acceptance is victory. Acceptance is the strength and power of an unconquerable soul. As clouds of doubt and fear slowly drift away, you find yourself standing at last, reanimated to the life in the full sun light of God’s wonderful grace. And in this moment you are assured from within that there is life beyond grief because there is life beyond death.”
“For You have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling."
Psalm 116:8 NRSV
Friday, February 23, 2018
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Sign
Mouse,
The other day Daddy came in the room smiling & all excited while I was on the phone working. I saw the look on his face & placed the customer on hold while I followed him back to the bathroom. He said “look look” and started telling me that just before he took a shower he had been in your room praying down on his knees to God & also talking to you...
He was thinking about you while he was in the shower too (like I’ve done many times letting the tears flow freely). When he got out he saw this on the glass:
We found out later that it was actually Bella that drew your initials with that heart on the glass, “a long time ago”, she said. Funny thing is none of us ever noticed before & we all take showers in you girls’ bathroom, even Daddy now because ours is too close to my little office & he doesn’t want to disturb me while I’m working...
Even though it was Bella that drew it, we still took it as a sign from you babygirl. All this time it goes unnoticed then Daddy, the one who doesn’t see many signs from you, the one who needed it at the time, after just being in your room & praying on his knees...
I’m sure you saw the look on his face & felt his joy & his pain too when he smiled trying to hold back the tears at the same time. <3
...
It really made our day.
We love you our little girl.
We never forget. You’re forever in our hearts.
HAE
<3
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
The other day Daddy came in the room smiling & all excited while I was on the phone working. I saw the look on his face & placed the customer on hold while I followed him back to the bathroom. He said “look look” and started telling me that just before he took a shower he had been in your room praying down on his knees to God & also talking to you...
He was thinking about you while he was in the shower too (like I’ve done many times letting the tears flow freely). When he got out he saw this on the glass:
 |
| Your initials up top & a heart underneath. <3 |
We found out later that it was actually Bella that drew your initials with that heart on the glass, “a long time ago”, she said. Funny thing is none of us ever noticed before & we all take showers in you girls’ bathroom, even Daddy now because ours is too close to my little office & he doesn’t want to disturb me while I’m working...
Even though it was Bella that drew it, we still took it as a sign from you babygirl. All this time it goes unnoticed then Daddy, the one who doesn’t see many signs from you, the one who needed it at the time, after just being in your room & praying on his knees...
I’m sure you saw the look on his face & felt his joy & his pain too when he smiled trying to hold back the tears at the same time. <3
...
It really made our day.
We love you our little girl.
We never forget. You’re forever in our hearts.
HAE
<3
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Living in Fear
My sweet girl,
There are many in need for prayers tonight. This past week has been heartbreaking for many. :(
Valentine's Day was overshadowed by tragic events. First, there was another school shooting where 17 students- staff & teachers were killed by a lone shooter. A 19 year old male; a sick sick individual. A monster. :(
I was in tears watching the news, specially when they showed footage from inside of the school while it was happening. I imagined all the parents & families of the victims, finding out their loved ones weren't coming home that day...
It put me back to that day- that horrible day that changed our lives forever & I found it hard to breath.
...
There are so many thoughts & emotions- sadness, anger, disbelief.
I can't believe we live in a world where this kind of thing happens. I know things happen- many horrible unbelievable cruel things. Like us losing you like we did. I am witness to the fact, that this world is effed up....
But this is something else altogether my angel.
It seems like we live in constant fear.
Fear of sending our kids to school. Fear of eating cancer causing foods, taking addicting medicines, drinking & swimming in contaminated water, breathing polluted air...the list goes on.
Where do we start in fixing this? Is it even possible? Is it too late? Have we gone too far off??
...
It's sickening baby girl. Social media doesn't help. All people do is debate on gun control, everytime. There's no action, no ideas on what we can do to make things better. No solutions. Just more & more opinions, as if we need more of those.
With all it's people, power & wealth this country has, we can't do any better than argue, forget & move on, until it happens again. Until it happens to us. :(
We pray, we hope but more is needed.
...
The other sad thing that happened is Zuli's Abuelo passed away.
We never got to meet him. We only met her Abuela when we went to visit, he had already gone back to PR. But she went back & was with him when he passed. They were married for a very long time...
Zuli, her mom & family have been in my prayers. I'm sure he has reached the same sweet Heaven you are in now my angel. I know that he will watch over them from up above just as you have watched over us.
...
It made me think of my own Abuelo, whom I'm not close with, but it still made me think of him. Of how life is. Of how none of us are meant to stay forever...
My friend from Michelle from high school who recently lost her daughter to suicide has also been in my thoughts. She's having a rough time. So are her other two kids; her youngest only 2 years old, to which she cannot explain what happened to his big sis because he won't understand. The other, her other younger daughter, who was apparently best friends with her sister. They were very close in age, similar to you & Bella. Apparently she is at a breaking point. :(
I see her posts on FB and I can relate. It's taken me back to those first few months of grief & I've felt really down lately. I've reached out to her & sent her a few messages trying to help. I hope they will be ok.
...
Oh my mouse. Everyone's going through something it seems like. My sis, my dad, always my mom, now Zuli & Mikey...
I know life isn't perfect, but is it really meant to be like this? So much heartache & suffering. Now to make things worse, we have to be living in fear for our lives.
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie downer my angel. But I always write from the heart & this is how I've been feeling lately.
Hopefully next time I will have something good to report.
I love & miss you. Every single day, every single moment.
I hope the Lord has opened the door for all those poor souls, I hope they fly high. I hope we will find a solution. I hope things get better for everyone...
I hope.
Love you forever,
Mommy
There are many in need for prayers tonight. This past week has been heartbreaking for many. :(
Valentine's Day was overshadowed by tragic events. First, there was another school shooting where 17 students- staff & teachers were killed by a lone shooter. A 19 year old male; a sick sick individual. A monster. :(
I was in tears watching the news, specially when they showed footage from inside of the school while it was happening. I imagined all the parents & families of the victims, finding out their loved ones weren't coming home that day...
It put me back to that day- that horrible day that changed our lives forever & I found it hard to breath.
...
There are so many thoughts & emotions- sadness, anger, disbelief.
I can't believe we live in a world where this kind of thing happens. I know things happen- many horrible unbelievable cruel things. Like us losing you like we did. I am witness to the fact, that this world is effed up....
But this is something else altogether my angel.
It seems like we live in constant fear.
Fear of sending our kids to school. Fear of eating cancer causing foods, taking addicting medicines, drinking & swimming in contaminated water, breathing polluted air...the list goes on.
Where do we start in fixing this? Is it even possible? Is it too late? Have we gone too far off??
...
It's sickening baby girl. Social media doesn't help. All people do is debate on gun control, everytime. There's no action, no ideas on what we can do to make things better. No solutions. Just more & more opinions, as if we need more of those.
With all it's people, power & wealth this country has, we can't do any better than argue, forget & move on, until it happens again. Until it happens to us. :(
We pray, we hope but more is needed.
...
The other sad thing that happened is Zuli's Abuelo passed away.
We never got to meet him. We only met her Abuela when we went to visit, he had already gone back to PR. But she went back & was with him when he passed. They were married for a very long time...
Zuli, her mom & family have been in my prayers. I'm sure he has reached the same sweet Heaven you are in now my angel. I know that he will watch over them from up above just as you have watched over us.
...
It made me think of my own Abuelo, whom I'm not close with, but it still made me think of him. Of how life is. Of how none of us are meant to stay forever...
My friend from Michelle from high school who recently lost her daughter to suicide has also been in my thoughts. She's having a rough time. So are her other two kids; her youngest only 2 years old, to which she cannot explain what happened to his big sis because he won't understand. The other, her other younger daughter, who was apparently best friends with her sister. They were very close in age, similar to you & Bella. Apparently she is at a breaking point. :(
I see her posts on FB and I can relate. It's taken me back to those first few months of grief & I've felt really down lately. I've reached out to her & sent her a few messages trying to help. I hope they will be ok.
...
Oh my mouse. Everyone's going through something it seems like. My sis, my dad, always my mom, now Zuli & Mikey...
I know life isn't perfect, but is it really meant to be like this? So much heartache & suffering. Now to make things worse, we have to be living in fear for our lives.
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie downer my angel. But I always write from the heart & this is how I've been feeling lately.
Hopefully next time I will have something good to report.
I love & miss you. Every single day, every single moment.
I hope the Lord has opened the door for all those poor souls, I hope they fly high. I hope we will find a solution. I hope things get better for everyone...
I hope.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Friday, February 16, 2018
Monday, February 12, 2018
One step at a time
Baby girl,
It's been a long day & I'm glad it's finally time for bed. Or at least time to sit down & semi-relax. My thoughts as usual, are of you.
It seems like just yesterday it was Feb. 1st, but in a couple of days it will already be Valentine's Day. I've been wanting to stop by the gardens to leave you your gift, but it rained all weekend & today was just too busy. But we will be there by Wednesday. <3
...
We have nothing really planned, but Daddy's off so maybe I'll make a nice dinner instead of going out.
Tomorrow, Sissy gets her official license through the courts. The process is different than when I got mine. Now the parents have to go to court with their kid & sign something for the judge saying it's ok for their kid to drive. If I thought Sissy wasn't ready, than I could say I don't approve.
But of course that isn't the case with Sissy. She's a responsible driver & she's definitely ready. The only incident that's happened so far, was with a girl from her Math class that hit her while trying to make way for an ambulance. Minor damage & thank God she was ok. But she made out with the insurance company because they paid for the damages & then some. She's going to save that to upgrade when she starts college...
I'm just glad it was nothing more serious. Buying that tank of a car for her was the best decision we made. It may be old & only driven by grandma's that we see on the road, but it's built strong. And I know you were watching over her. <3
...
Things move so fast baby girl. Sissy's almost been at her job for a year. She filed her taxes for the first time. She gets her license tomorrow. She's signed up to take her SAT's in the Spring & she's already been getting letters from different colleges. She will start taking tours of the colleges soon...
She's pretty sure she's going to stay local, & still live at home throughout college...but there's always that chance that she won't. You just never know, things change so fast & anything can happen between now & then.
...
She's been struggling with a couple of classes this year, so she's been working with a tutor in Math- a girl from school. Luckily they have a free program for the kids in advanced classes that can tutor for extra credit, so it's free. And it seems to be helping, she's improved in her last few tests.
Oh baby girl. I worry about her & Bella. Even though I know deep down they're ok, I just want them to stay that way. Not just to be ok though, I want so much more for them. More than I ever had. And I don't mean material things. I mean true happiness. Opportunities to find themselves, to learn what makes them happy & pursue that path.
It doesn't always have to mean love, kids & family. You can love a career & pets too. ;) I don't have any expectations. I just want them to be safe & happy.
...
But one step at a time.
Your sisters give me strength to keep on going. And you too my angel. I want to make you proud.
Recently, I learned that the little boy from Texas that passed away from undiagnosed Type 1 last year- his mom hasn't been doing that well. I met her co-worker through FB when we had your Random of Act of Kindness day & when she heard our story she contacted me.
I learned then he was her co-workers only child & he passed away at home. They thought that he had the flu. :(
Through the holidays I thought about her- being the first year. But it wasn't until last week that I contacted her co-worker to see how she was doing & she told me that there was a point they (her & her family) thought she would take her own life. :(
That she moved from her house because she couldn't handle the memories. But that she's staying with family now & they are trying to help her.
It's sad baby girl. I can't say that I never thought about it. It just hurts so much...and at the time, it seemed like the only solution. The only thing that could stop the pain.
I think what stopped me was your sisters. For that I am thankful. But this woman doesn't have that. He was her only child. :(
I told her co-worker I'll be praying for her & I have.
...
We continue to pray. Continue to fight. Continue to love...
That is the best we can do.
Not one of us here on Earth has a perfect life, & some worse than others. But still, we continue.
...
I miss & love you my mouse.
Soon, it will be Spring. More reminders of you...
But for now, one step, one day at a time.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
It's been a long day & I'm glad it's finally time for bed. Or at least time to sit down & semi-relax. My thoughts as usual, are of you.
It seems like just yesterday it was Feb. 1st, but in a couple of days it will already be Valentine's Day. I've been wanting to stop by the gardens to leave you your gift, but it rained all weekend & today was just too busy. But we will be there by Wednesday. <3
...
We have nothing really planned, but Daddy's off so maybe I'll make a nice dinner instead of going out.
Tomorrow, Sissy gets her official license through the courts. The process is different than when I got mine. Now the parents have to go to court with their kid & sign something for the judge saying it's ok for their kid to drive. If I thought Sissy wasn't ready, than I could say I don't approve.
But of course that isn't the case with Sissy. She's a responsible driver & she's definitely ready. The only incident that's happened so far, was with a girl from her Math class that hit her while trying to make way for an ambulance. Minor damage & thank God she was ok. But she made out with the insurance company because they paid for the damages & then some. She's going to save that to upgrade when she starts college...
I'm just glad it was nothing more serious. Buying that tank of a car for her was the best decision we made. It may be old & only driven by grandma's that we see on the road, but it's built strong. And I know you were watching over her. <3
...
Things move so fast baby girl. Sissy's almost been at her job for a year. She filed her taxes for the first time. She gets her license tomorrow. She's signed up to take her SAT's in the Spring & she's already been getting letters from different colleges. She will start taking tours of the colleges soon...
She's pretty sure she's going to stay local, & still live at home throughout college...but there's always that chance that she won't. You just never know, things change so fast & anything can happen between now & then.
...
She's been struggling with a couple of classes this year, so she's been working with a tutor in Math- a girl from school. Luckily they have a free program for the kids in advanced classes that can tutor for extra credit, so it's free. And it seems to be helping, she's improved in her last few tests.
Oh baby girl. I worry about her & Bella. Even though I know deep down they're ok, I just want them to stay that way. Not just to be ok though, I want so much more for them. More than I ever had. And I don't mean material things. I mean true happiness. Opportunities to find themselves, to learn what makes them happy & pursue that path.
It doesn't always have to mean love, kids & family. You can love a career & pets too. ;) I don't have any expectations. I just want them to be safe & happy.
...
But one step at a time.
Your sisters give me strength to keep on going. And you too my angel. I want to make you proud.
Recently, I learned that the little boy from Texas that passed away from undiagnosed Type 1 last year- his mom hasn't been doing that well. I met her co-worker through FB when we had your Random of Act of Kindness day & when she heard our story she contacted me.
I learned then he was her co-workers only child & he passed away at home. They thought that he had the flu. :(
Through the holidays I thought about her- being the first year. But it wasn't until last week that I contacted her co-worker to see how she was doing & she told me that there was a point they (her & her family) thought she would take her own life. :(
That she moved from her house because she couldn't handle the memories. But that she's staying with family now & they are trying to help her.
It's sad baby girl. I can't say that I never thought about it. It just hurts so much...and at the time, it seemed like the only solution. The only thing that could stop the pain.
I think what stopped me was your sisters. For that I am thankful. But this woman doesn't have that. He was her only child. :(
I told her co-worker I'll be praying for her & I have.
...
We continue to pray. Continue to fight. Continue to love...
That is the best we can do.
Not one of us here on Earth has a perfect life, & some worse than others. But still, we continue.
...
I miss & love you my mouse.
Soon, it will be Spring. More reminders of you...
But for now, one step, one day at a time.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Thursday, February 8, 2018
One of those days
My mouse,
Today wasn't a great day. At work I got a call from a dad making an appointment for 2 of his kids- one of them being his 10 year old daughter named Hayley (different spelling). She was feeling sick- similar to flu symptoms. I got the call right before Daddy left for work. Maybe it was seeing his face after the call that made me want to break down in tears even more.
I didn't though. I managed to get through the rest of my shift, but have been feeling down ever since.
This flu season has been horrendous and we've been getting slammed with nothing but flu patients. I answer these calls daily- hundreds of calls. The same symptoms are repeated to me over & over- vomiting, headaches, sore throat...trouble breathing...
With each call I have to force away the flashbacks of those last 2 days of you being sick. :( I don't know how I've been able to do it up to this point. But I don't know if I can do it much more.
...
I've been hearing your name more often these last few months too it seems. Your name is more popular. When you were born I didn't know of any Hailey's, but found your name in a baby book.
In the beginning, it was a piercing reminder.
Then slowly, hearing your name made me smile. Almost as if you were sending a sign, waving hello.
But hearing your name along with those sick calls- it becomes a piercing reminder once again...
It reminds me of my first anxiety attack I got at work- triggered by a mom who called to schedule an appointment for her daughter...
It was scary & horrible & I don't ever want to be there again.
...
It's just hard baby girl.
Three years later, it's not any easier. Another flu season, it doesn't get any easier.
There's also the fact that I really want to tell parents to get their kids tested for type 1 diabetes. Inside, I'm screaming it out loud! But in reality, I can't. I'm not allowed. I'd lose my job.
They have our own protocols, but testing for Type One is not one of them. How I would love to turn this around, but I don't know how.
The health industry is a big monstrous giant ruled by an even bigger giant. Where does one little peon start? I've tried all I know. Many advocates I've come across have tried & done what they can. But it's one of the many many problems with the industry right now. It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's an ongoing battle.
...
I have come to a point where I really have to think of my future with this company. I've started looking just to see what's around. I'd hate to lose my seniority & all these great perks & benefits. But I don't see it getting better. I don't know baby girl...
I just know that I want it to be like this- all the time:
...
Tomorrow I'm going out with my friends for a late bday dinner celebration. I know that will make me feel better.
And as always, I will wait for you or God to send me a sign- for guidance. I will look for it. Then I'll know what to do. <3
Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.
I love & miss you.
My sweet Hailey.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
Today wasn't a great day. At work I got a call from a dad making an appointment for 2 of his kids- one of them being his 10 year old daughter named Hayley (different spelling). She was feeling sick- similar to flu symptoms. I got the call right before Daddy left for work. Maybe it was seeing his face after the call that made me want to break down in tears even more.
I didn't though. I managed to get through the rest of my shift, but have been feeling down ever since.
This flu season has been horrendous and we've been getting slammed with nothing but flu patients. I answer these calls daily- hundreds of calls. The same symptoms are repeated to me over & over- vomiting, headaches, sore throat...trouble breathing...
With each call I have to force away the flashbacks of those last 2 days of you being sick. :( I don't know how I've been able to do it up to this point. But I don't know if I can do it much more.
...
I've been hearing your name more often these last few months too it seems. Your name is more popular. When you were born I didn't know of any Hailey's, but found your name in a baby book.
In the beginning, it was a piercing reminder.
Then slowly, hearing your name made me smile. Almost as if you were sending a sign, waving hello.
But hearing your name along with those sick calls- it becomes a piercing reminder once again...
It reminds me of my first anxiety attack I got at work- triggered by a mom who called to schedule an appointment for her daughter...
It was scary & horrible & I don't ever want to be there again.
...
It's just hard baby girl.
Three years later, it's not any easier. Another flu season, it doesn't get any easier.
There's also the fact that I really want to tell parents to get their kids tested for type 1 diabetes. Inside, I'm screaming it out loud! But in reality, I can't. I'm not allowed. I'd lose my job.
They have our own protocols, but testing for Type One is not one of them. How I would love to turn this around, but I don't know how.
The health industry is a big monstrous giant ruled by an even bigger giant. Where does one little peon start? I've tried all I know. Many advocates I've come across have tried & done what they can. But it's one of the many many problems with the industry right now. It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's an ongoing battle.
...
I have come to a point where I really have to think of my future with this company. I've started looking just to see what's around. I'd hate to lose my seniority & all these great perks & benefits. But I don't see it getting better. I don't know baby girl...
I just know that I want it to be like this- all the time:
 |
| <3 |
Tomorrow I'm going out with my friends for a late bday dinner celebration. I know that will make me feel better.
And as always, I will wait for you or God to send me a sign- for guidance. I will look for it. Then I'll know what to do. <3
Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.
I love & miss you.
My sweet Hailey.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
Ojitos tristes
Baby girl,
I've shared this memory on Fb before but I checked back & I don't think I've ever shared it here.
I've shared this memory on Fb before but I checked back & I don't think I've ever shared it here.
 |
| <3 |
This is a picture of you & my mom side by side.
Ever since you were little, I remember sometimes I'd look at you & catch a look or expression that reminded me of my mom.
Your hair- it's texture & even the wave in it reminded me of my mom. Sometimes when I found myself missing her, I'd kiss the top of your head & it reminded me of my mom...
Your hands, fingernails, sometimes even your personality. You were so pretty, feminine & dainty sometimes, the way you loved shoes & dresses...
It reminded me of my mom- the younger version of her, before she got really sick. The "good & happy" version of her. I don't remember my mom ever wearing jeans or pants until I was much older. She'd never leave the house without a dress & heels. Auntie Alina would say, "I love the way your mom always dresses up!"
...
You weren't domestic like my mom- she didn't like to cook or clean either. :) We used to joke how you'd marry a rich guy so you wouldn't have to do any of those things- how you'd hire someone to do it for you. I often thought my mom would of been better off having that kind of life too. That maybe she wouldn't of gotten so sick, had she had that "type of life."
I know one thing would be different though- you would of been a great mom. The way you loved babies, always so sweet, attentive & affectionate. My mom had a hard time in that department...
Oh baby girl. There were other similarities too- that worried me, but I don't want to really remember now.
All I know is that after you passed, I thought about the irony of life & it made me so mad. All those years of me telling you how much you reminded me of her- all that time of saving money & making plans to see her...all that just so you could go & meet her for a day & then pass away?? Even now as I recall it, it doesn't make any sense.
I've gone over it so many times in my head trying to figure it out. How, how could of this happened. Was it fate? Was this "the plan" all along? What the hell was it.
To make myself feel better & not feel so angry towards God, I'd tell myself that maybe he knew something worse would of happened to you when you got older. That maybe he was "saving" you... That maybe you were too much like my mom...that maybe you were going to get sick too & have a future full of pain. :( :( :(
...
I'm sorry my angel. But it's where a mother's mind goes- or anyone who ever lost someone- to try & make sense of something so senseless.
As this memory came up on my Fb, I can't help but recall all these thoughts.
...
My mom still talks about you.
To my surprise, she's one of the few that I can still talk to, about you. Maybe because she knows. Even being thousands of miles away- she knows. I've cried to her & been silent, sometimes I open up. She seems to know what I need at the time. It's amazing baby girl.
We've never connected about anything. Throughout my entire life. I've never "needed her" or depended on her for anything. Because of her illness- I've always just learned to deal with things alone. But this is different. These last couple years- she stopped being the needy one, when I talk to her, she doesn't make things about just her anymore.
Throughout my life, I thought she really didn't know me. But it turns out she knows me almost better than anyone else.
Like once when I was feeling really down- I know she could tell. She went on rambling, then she stops to tell me that she was thinking of you one afternoon when she was home. She was sitting on the kitchen table & she looked up & saw a purple light shining through the window. She said she suddenly had a vision of you in your "purple jacket" (the purple NorthFace jacket you wore to Bolivia & always) & it made her smile.
The purple light- my mom never knew your favorite color was purple. So it stood out in my mind.
Just these little things baby girl...
Maybe my mom wasn't one of the best moms in the world. But in the end she's my mom. Deep down, she knows me. Now I know.
...
And she loves you my angel. As well as your sisters & cousins.
I know you've seen her walking to church & praying almost every day.
I don't know what the future will bring, specially these next couple of years- after my grandfather passes & she'll have nowhere to go. I pray for her to, for us. That God- the God that she is so devoted & faithful to, will find a way to guide us, to help us protect her....
and maybe, just maybe to give her a future without so much pain.
...
I love you my sweet girl.
I would often say your eyes had that expression of "hojitos tristes" (sad eyes) like my mom's. Even when you were happy.
I know I no longer have to worry about that- of you being sad. But I still wish you were here to see your beautiful face & to make sure.
...
I miss you everyday.
So much.
Forever,
Your mommy
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Stranger Things
My dear mouse,
The day after Sissy picked your flowers out & I wrote about it, she said she had a dream about you. She couldn't remember all of it, but she knows you were in it. Then later at school, they played "Somewhere over the rainbow", the version we played at your service...
Maybe it was a coincidence. Or maybe not. <3
...
Even now we experience these little moments. Like when we were at Uncle Mikey's & I was in the kitchen cooking, Uncle Mikey & Sissy were in there with me talking...
All of a sudden I felt a chill all over & I had goose bumps on my arms. I showed Uncle Mikey & he asked if I was cold. I explained to him how this happened only a few other times, like when I had your "last outfit" in my hands & I couldn't bring myself to wash it. I held it close, crying & all of a sudden I felt the same chill. Like an embrace. Again, goose bumps.
Then at the finish line at the JDRF walk, in 90 degree weather. Such an emotional moment, in tears, again, the chill, the embrace, goose bumps. Then again when Auntie & the boys were over one day. We were talking about you & just hanging out. I showed her then too.
During all those times, I know you were there with us.
...
Just recently, I got this voicemail that was staticky...all I could make out was a voice that sounded like it said, "Hi Mom." It sounded like your voice baby girl.
It really took me by surprise. It was while I was working. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer...
When I saw they left a voicemail, I took a break & listened (always worried it's your sister's school or something important) & that's when I heard it. I played it over several times & each time it sounded like you.
I called the number back because I had to know who it was & it was a lady from work, Teresa that answered. I asked if she just had just called me. She said, "Oh I think I accidently butt dialed you, sorry. I meant to text you instead." Then we laughed about it & I hung up.
But she never left a message baby girl. And her voice sounds nothing like yours. Teresa is an older black lady whom I'd never even met until after you passed. She must of heard from others from work what happened & since the beginning, she would leave cards in my mailbox. On holidays & even your first anniversary- she remembered.
Even after many at work forgot- she remembered. She would leave me these sweet notes, just to let me know I wasn't forgotten & that someone out there was praying for us. I always thought of her as one of God's angels that he sent over to me, to keep me going & give me strength.
I later found out she lost her mom & her sister, so she knew about grief.
How weird I thought, that it was her & her number, with your voice & that strange voicemail. With her last card at Christmas, she had left her cell # & I had sent her a text to thank her for the card etc, but I never added her as a contact...
I don't know baby girl. I later had Sissy & Bella hear it. They both agreed that it sounded like you & that they could make out "Hi Mom" throughout the static. Sissy said though, "But Hailey never called you "Mom", she always called you Mommy. Even I still call you Mommy & I'm older." I know she's right. But it still so strange.
I told them about the same voicemail Dana's mom got when she switched to a new phone. Out of no where, a voicemail appeared with Dana's voice. She had us listen & sure enough it was Dana. The static too, but the message was different. It said something like, where were you? Or why didn't you pick up the phone? It was a strange message too...
...
Sissy then told me about an episode on the show "Stranger Things" where the mom's kid calls her on her phone "from another dimension". That he's able to communicate with her through the radio waves. I've heard that before. We actually talked about it that same night we were at Dana's. Her brother Dean, is somewhat an expert on the subject & he went to explain to us about the different dimensions & the meaning of time, etc. Where our loved ones go after Earth- another dimension.
It's all too much for this letter baby girl. Yet I don't feel the need to explain it to you. I feel like you already know...
...
I know it sounds crazy, even to me, who can feel & sense the truth in it. But all these things I talk about are not made up baby girl. They're actual things that happened. We could explain that it was a coincidence or that I read too much into it...
But in my heart & gut I know it's not.
...
This life in itself is strange. It's filled with things we can't explain. But we given a gift of intuition for this reason. Some things we can't explain. We just know.
Things that I do know for sure- is that we are forever connected. Not only because I'm your mommy, but because of the love that we shared. Something so so special...my angel.
Nothing can erase that. Even though I miss you so much, I know you are never too far. <3
...
I love you so much my mouse.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
P.S. I wouldn't of minded if you just called me "mom".
...
The day after Sissy picked your flowers out & I wrote about it, she said she had a dream about you. She couldn't remember all of it, but she knows you were in it. Then later at school, they played "Somewhere over the rainbow", the version we played at your service...
Maybe it was a coincidence. Or maybe not. <3
...
Even now we experience these little moments. Like when we were at Uncle Mikey's & I was in the kitchen cooking, Uncle Mikey & Sissy were in there with me talking...
All of a sudden I felt a chill all over & I had goose bumps on my arms. I showed Uncle Mikey & he asked if I was cold. I explained to him how this happened only a few other times, like when I had your "last outfit" in my hands & I couldn't bring myself to wash it. I held it close, crying & all of a sudden I felt the same chill. Like an embrace. Again, goose bumps.
Then at the finish line at the JDRF walk, in 90 degree weather. Such an emotional moment, in tears, again, the chill, the embrace, goose bumps. Then again when Auntie & the boys were over one day. We were talking about you & just hanging out. I showed her then too.
During all those times, I know you were there with us.
...
Just recently, I got this voicemail that was staticky...all I could make out was a voice that sounded like it said, "Hi Mom." It sounded like your voice baby girl.
It really took me by surprise. It was while I was working. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer...
When I saw they left a voicemail, I took a break & listened (always worried it's your sister's school or something important) & that's when I heard it. I played it over several times & each time it sounded like you.
I called the number back because I had to know who it was & it was a lady from work, Teresa that answered. I asked if she just had just called me. She said, "Oh I think I accidently butt dialed you, sorry. I meant to text you instead." Then we laughed about it & I hung up.
But she never left a message baby girl. And her voice sounds nothing like yours. Teresa is an older black lady whom I'd never even met until after you passed. She must of heard from others from work what happened & since the beginning, she would leave cards in my mailbox. On holidays & even your first anniversary- she remembered.
Even after many at work forgot- she remembered. She would leave me these sweet notes, just to let me know I wasn't forgotten & that someone out there was praying for us. I always thought of her as one of God's angels that he sent over to me, to keep me going & give me strength.
I later found out she lost her mom & her sister, so she knew about grief.
How weird I thought, that it was her & her number, with your voice & that strange voicemail. With her last card at Christmas, she had left her cell # & I had sent her a text to thank her for the card etc, but I never added her as a contact...
I don't know baby girl. I later had Sissy & Bella hear it. They both agreed that it sounded like you & that they could make out "Hi Mom" throughout the static. Sissy said though, "But Hailey never called you "Mom", she always called you Mommy. Even I still call you Mommy & I'm older." I know she's right. But it still so strange.
I told them about the same voicemail Dana's mom got when she switched to a new phone. Out of no where, a voicemail appeared with Dana's voice. She had us listen & sure enough it was Dana. The static too, but the message was different. It said something like, where were you? Or why didn't you pick up the phone? It was a strange message too...
...
Sissy then told me about an episode on the show "Stranger Things" where the mom's kid calls her on her phone "from another dimension". That he's able to communicate with her through the radio waves. I've heard that before. We actually talked about it that same night we were at Dana's. Her brother Dean, is somewhat an expert on the subject & he went to explain to us about the different dimensions & the meaning of time, etc. Where our loved ones go after Earth- another dimension.
It's all too much for this letter baby girl. Yet I don't feel the need to explain it to you. I feel like you already know...
...
I know it sounds crazy, even to me, who can feel & sense the truth in it. But all these things I talk about are not made up baby girl. They're actual things that happened. We could explain that it was a coincidence or that I read too much into it...
But in my heart & gut I know it's not.
...
This life in itself is strange. It's filled with things we can't explain. But we given a gift of intuition for this reason. Some things we can't explain. We just know.
Things that I do know for sure- is that we are forever connected. Not only because I'm your mommy, but because of the love that we shared. Something so so special...my angel.
Nothing can erase that. Even though I miss you so much, I know you are never too far. <3
...
I love you so much my mouse.
Always & forever,
Your mommy
P.S. I wouldn't of minded if you just called me "mom".
...
Friday, February 2, 2018
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