Reality

My beautiful angel,

I find myself, even as tired as I am, not being able to sleep without writing to you first. Even those few whispers of prayers to you before I sleep don't seem enough. It's been this way, since I stopped praying to God. I don't know how long this will be, but for now I just want to talk to you. My angel. I'm sorry...I know he will understand.

Today was the 5k walk for diabetes, and it was such a great day baby. I will tell you more about it in detail tomorrow, with pictures and all. Even though I have a feeling you were already there. I was surrounded by many people, including Sissy, Caroline & Papi as we walked closer to the finish line, when I suddenly felt a cool sensation all over, giving me goose bumps up & down my arms. I stopped to show everyone & no one else felt it, no one else had the goose bumps, except me. Considering it was almost 90 degrees in the hot sun...I burst into tears & cried into Auntie's arms, because I knew it was you baby girl. I knew you were there to show your support, & to let us know how happy you were that we were all there. I'm so glad we went.

Now tomorrow, I go back to work. That is why I have to try and get some sleep. I have many mixed feelings about this. I'm nervous & anxious. Part of me isn't ready, but the other half says I better. That it will be better than staying home alone during the day. I don't know what to expect. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. That people will ask me questions or just look with a sad stare. Also, my focus has been off. My mind just goes into different places uncontrollably sometimes & gets stuck there. Maybe I do need more time, or more therapy... I don't know baby girl. I pray for strength. That is all. To get me through. Through everything...

Reality says that I need a job. That I have responsibilities. That if Daddy went back to work, & your sisters to school, then I can too. But part of me of me feels guilt, I think. To go back to "routine" & "normalcy". A new normal. Without you. I don't know if I can do that.

What reality says, and what I feel are two different things. I just want to see you again. To hold you. But I can't, and I have to accept it. Deal with it. When sometimes I rather not, & just run away. Somewhere far. Or just stay put. In my own little world, away from reality. I don't even know..

I'm sorry baby. I know I sound crazy, but it's those thoughts that haunt me, when I'm alone. I don't want to burden you with them any longer. So I'm going to try & see if occupying my mind with work can help. I know I will never "move on", but I can at least try to just continue.

I know it will be ok baby. Don't worry. I will close my eyes and listen for your voice, as I would when I needed to be lifted. That sweet voice. My mouse.

I love you everyday. Everyday I miss you. I will find a way. You & your sisters have always been my strength, and that will never change. No matter what.

Sweet dreams my pretty mermaid.

Love you always & forever.

Forever your mommy.

~

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, 

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. 

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue, 

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. 

One day I'll wish upon a star 

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. 

Where troubles melt like lemon drops 

Away above the chimney tops 

That's where you'll find me. 

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. 

Birds fly over the rainbow, 

Why, of why can't I.

In memory

My dear sweet mouse,

I wanted to show you the 1D books Anthony's mom purchased for the library on your birthday. Bella read hers the first day. Now if anyone checks them out, the first thing they will see is this sticker on the first page, in memory of you. :)
                                    

                             











A couple weeks ago, I went to have lunch with your sister. Your teacher saw me in the office checking in and said the trees they ordered for the memorial just came in that day. Bella and I went out back and saw them. I took pictures, but it was a rainy gloomy day so the pictures aren't great.

They are pretty and big. Your teacher said one is for you, (with purple/lavender flowers that weren't in bloom yet), and the other was for another 5th grader that passed earlier this year. I didn't know about him. You never mentioned his name to me, so I don't think you knew either. It's sad. My heart goes out to him & his family. The tree they got for him has white flowers. The memorial will be in the next couple weeks. I will definitely take pictures then. Your teacher is the best mouse, so sweet & caring. She gave me a great big hug that day. I know why you loved her so much.

This Sunday is the walk for diabetes in DC. Daddy, Papi, Ayde, the whole family will be there for your cousins & in memory of you. We are going to spread awareness for a cure baby. Carole ordered these awesome t-shirts. Purple, of course. The rainbow, to represent you. I love them. I hope you do too. We will all be wearing them proud, thinking of you.

These things make me happy. Remembering you in a good way. Shining a light on the beautiful person you were. As you can see, I'm not the only one. The books, tree & t-shirts are small tokens, with such huge meaning. It means so much to know you are remembered by many who love you still.

"In memory", is something I still have to get used to however. When I read it or say it out loud, it's a reminder that you aren't here anymore. That you are precisely that...a memory. It hurts baby girl. I have to be honest. I'm sorry to think this way. It's just not easy to get used to. I know it's going to take some time.

I don't want to dwell on the fact that you're gone. I want to be strong for you. Instead, I want people to know that you once existed. I want to share the love & greatness that was you. That still is. Our sweet angel. I want to spread awareness of this terrible disease that took you. I want to save lives. I want people to know, so this doesn't happen again to someone else. It's important to me, to us. It will give me reason to go on. It will make it so you are not just a "memory". If our story can help others, that would make the pain hurt a little less.

Otherwise, you are always remembered by all the people who knew you. Who's lives you touched. There are many my beautiful girl. This makes me happy too. It's enough to know that. But that doesn't have to be the end of our story. I was helpless to save you. It was the worst feeling I've ever experienced besides actually losing you. I don't wish it on anybody. But I am not helpless to shed some light on this darkness.  If I can still do some good to help someone else, if I can, I will try. For you. In your memory...

I love you so much. To the moon & back my baby mouse. See you in my dreams,

Forever your Mommy <3

 

Darkest days

Some days are just dark days...

 ~~~

Dark are some days,
Since my sunshine was taken away.
Upon my darkest hours,
I can't see a future without her.

Wondering what the meaning of everything is.
How could I go on?
Living a life with no bliss.

Life, love & loss.
Happiness & heartache.
Faith has betrayed me.
Left only with memories,
Of what used to be.

Dark are my days,
Missing the love I knew.
In her sisters I search for that love.
Who share that same heart, so true.

In each other we take comfort.
Sharing hugs and shoulders to cry.
We all miss our sweet angel,
Not a day goes by.

On our darkest days,
We go on and put on a show.
That everything's alright.
That we're ok.
It's better that no one know.

Dark are our days,
With so many tears cried.
Many words unspoken.
Nothing will bring her back.
Our hearts are left broken.

~~~

Mermaid

My beautiful mermaid,

Memorial weekend passed. We had a good time at Alina's with her, Mike & the kids. We had burgers, hot dogs, veggies & corn on the cob on the grill. Then we watched "Home" downstairs & had a sleep over. Daddy had to work like usual. The next day we went to a festival in Vienna & watched Madeline dance on stage. She was great. It was a lot of fun. We couldn't help but be a little sad, missing you & knowing how much you'd be enjoying it too. Nothing is the same without you. But we always try & include you somehow, even if it's just recalling all our favorite memories. Like the many festivals we went to in the past, with the food, face painting, bubble guns & balloons. Remember the pink dolphin bubble guns? :)

Bella didn't forget about opening day for the pool, of course. Even though she had a cough & didn't feel well, she couldn't wait to go. Specially because this was the first time at the new pool. Of course she reminded us that if you were here, you both would be starting your campaign to convince me to go. That no matter how cold, you would still swim. How you practically lived there every summer. Like fish, you loved the water. Like mermaids. You would be the purple one..

We didn't forget about your love for mermaids mouse. How your obsession started with the movie Aquamarine, then your favorite show on Netflix: H20, which you watched over & over. You'd watch it on your phone or the iPad wearing your headphones, so when I'd call you to help clean or do homework, you couldn't hear. I'd nag you all the time about not watching TV on your phone because it ruined your eyes.

Remember a couple years ago, when you made me buy you all those plastic mermaid dolls, one in every color, from the Dollar store? How you didn't want to share them with Bella, so I had to buy her own set to play with you in the bathtub, then you left me big messes in the bathroom?

Then last year you asked for a rubber mermaid tail for your birthday & then Christmas. I said, "No, because that's just too weird & what would you do with it anyway?" You said you'd use it in the bath tub, or the pool. That you didn't care if people thought it was weird. I believed you too. But because it was huge, over $100 & I still thought it was weird, I didn't buy it. You & Bella pretended anyway & still made big messes in the bathroom, splashing your "tails" around in the tub. Then at the pool & beach, you'd swim mermaid style. You even had your beautiful mermaid hair to match...


Pretending to be mermaids.



Mermaid hair 

That beautiful mermaid hair...I hope you finally got your purple tail to go with it baby. I hope you're swimming with all the other mermaids in heaven. Don't forget to swim with Bella once in a while. Sunday she put her bathing suit on, went in your room & I heard her call you, "Hailey, let's go to the pool!" So we went. Sissy & I watched her poolside, swimming happily in the sun with a cool breeze in the air. We knew it was you...

We're not the only ones that remember. Below is the purple Barbie mermaid Uncle Mikey & Auntie Zuli got specially for your 11th birthday. It sits on top of your dresser. So pretty like you. I know you love it..

We've talked about going to the beach this summer & spreading a little of your ashes in the ocean, baby girl. To make your wish come true. If I can bear to part with them....I don't know. I've had to let go so much of your already. Please forgive me.

I can still envision you, my pretty girl. A lovely mermaid with long beautiful wavy brown hair & a pretty shiny glittery purple tail swimming & splashing with your mermaid friends. It makes me smile...

Love & miss you. Everyday of my life.

Forever & ever your mommy. <3 

The mouse

My Dear Hailey Mouse,

When you were a baby you would make these little soft squeaking sounds while you were asleep. I'd hear you sometimes in the middle of the night. I'd walk over to your crib (the one you inherited from sissy), & there you were. A cute little chubby faced angel with thick wavy black hair sleeping peacefully. Breathing deeply. Squeaking like a little mouse...

And so it stuck. Your nickname(s): Mouse, mousie, mouse of the house, mousie kapowski (I think Daddy came up with that one). I remember sometimes wondering if the nickname we gave you, attributed to your cute little mousie personality. Because you stayed our little mouse until the end. Always our very sweet, fragile, feminine, cute, Hailey Mouse. Our girlie girl.

You never minded the name. In fact, you loved it. It made it ok for us to baby you, & you loved to be babied. Even as you got older, it didn't bother or embarrass you, even in public. Do you remember the time we were at a restaurant & our waitress's nickname was also Mouse? She overheard us call you that, & all excitedly told us it was her family nickname too. :) I remember she was tall & thin, maybe in her early twenties, with light brown hair. Wish I could remember the restaurant. But we all smiled & laughed & made a big deal of it. Even though we never cared what other people thought, somehow she validated it. That it was ok, that we weren't dumb or that silly. What a coincidence I thought. She was cute, you were cute. Just like a mouse...

The mouse that would always cuddle next to me on the couch. The mouse that would follow me everywhere I went. My tail. To the grocery to store, to run errands, to go for a walk. The mouse that would watch me get ready for work, put my make up on, give me fashion advice. The mouse, who I'd call after a long hard day at work, just to hear her voice. Just to have her lift my spirits. Or who'd call me, worried because I was taking too long to call her. Who I'd yell "Mouse" to, if she was taking too long in the shower or was trying to make laugh when she'd be throwing a tantrum or mad & giving me the silent treatment.

Do you remember that? Rapping, singing & dancing in the shower for over 30 minutes? Or getting mad at me because I didn't buy you the new shoes, dress, or even candy you wanted? You'd get mad at me for the smallest things. You were such a spoiled mouse. I'd say "Hailey, don't be mean to your Mommy. You only have one in the whole world. One day you'll regret being mean to me. One day your Mommy won't be around...."
 
But it's you who left first. You who I  have to live without. How did this happen?

It's this feeling I can't explain to people when they ask, "How are you doing?" How do I tell people that it kills me each time I turn around, and you're not there? That it feels like I'm missing a limb. Missing one of my senses. Or all. Missing a piece of my heart, my soul, my being. It's just gone, like you're gone and I won't ever get it back. That no matter how much I cry, beg, cuss, or scream...my mouse is never coming back...

When you're 11th birthday came, I wondered at what age would you want us to stop calling you mouse. The more I thought about it, the more I thought; probably never. Even at your age, you were still our cute, fragile, girlie girl. Our sweet Hailey. I know that would never change. You would never change. You loved being babied. You loved being our mimosa. Our mouse...who just turned into a real live angel.

I remind myself, that you are still here baby girl. You're here in spirit, in our hearts. I close my eyes to hear you, see & feel you. When I get ready to leave the house, there you are telling me to put some make up on & to at least match my outfit. You're at the stores, on walks, movies, events, Bella's even taking you to the pool tomorrow. You're here, because we need & want you to be...because we can't ever let that part of you go. You're still our sweet Hailey mouse. Our mouse of the house.

We love you forever.

All the way up to you,

Always your Mommy.

My girl

Mommy's girl

Our heart

Friends

My dear beautiful girl,

Today your sister had a playdate with "A" after school. Her mom invited me in when I picked her up. You would remember her. We picked Bella up there once before. Her house was so beautiful & I was in so much awe, I almost drove right into the ditch. Remember? This time we went in & it's even more beautiful inside. :)

Her son was in your class last year. He was very upset when he found out. Many of the kids at school were. The same day, one of the neighborhood kids posted a video on Instagram of himself walking up to our front door & laying a poster there saying, "I love and miss you Hailey." They showed it to me. It was very sweet. I think I know who the kid is. Your sisters told me it was one of the boys who had a crush on you. Apparently there was another post later on with a picture of notes many of the kids left on our doorstep. There was only one when we returned from our trip. Not sure what happened to the rest, but I put that one in your memory box. :(

Her oldest daughter is a year older than sissy, & has Type 1 diabetes. She was diagnosed not too long ago. The dad is a doctor. I met him too. All very nice people. We talked about the disease, how their daughter got diagnosed but surprisingly not right away. Even with the dad being a doctor, and having 3 family members with type 2, they didn't catch it right away. They explained about the weight loss, & thirst being the first signs, overall malaise all happening within a course of a couple weeks.

Their daughter too ended up in ER. However, her condition wasn't as severe as yours. She survived & is now doing fine, managing her medicine, injecting insulin up to 4 times a day all by herself. They gave their sincere condolences that this wasn't the case with you. I explained to them what happened. He said it wasn't abnormal for things to happen the way they did. That although sad & tragic, we should at least take comfort in knowing that you did not suffer. That the doctors most likely did try their best to treat you, just like we as parents did everything we could. I did feel some comfort hearing it from him. He had a kind & honest way about him. I hope he's right...that you didn't suffer.

They offered help in anything we need, said to consider them neighbors & friends. I told them the play date is a start. Since Bella misses you, her best friend. She needs someone closer to her age to play with. It was good to see her have fun again, to smile & get excited.

They invited us back for a barbeque in the summer. Sissy even made friends with the oldest. While we talked she went up to her bedroom & found out she's also a 1D, Alana & 5 sauce fan. She's also in the AP scholars program & goes to the same high school sissy's going to next year. I am happy she made a new friend. Friends are good, specially at a time like this.

Well my baby, Bella made me promise I wouldn't stay up too late tonight. It's made me so tired & run down during the day. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm glad for your sisters who give me no choice.

I miss you baby girl. So so much. I love you so so much. When I look up at the stars, I see you. When I look up at the sun & moon, I see you. I wonder if you could see me...

Always & forever,
Your mommy. <3

1 month

 

 

 

 

 

4 weeks

Pitch Perfect

Hi Baby girl,

Just wanted to let you know we saw Pitch Perfect 2 yesterday. Of course we didn't forget how excited you were for the sequel to be released. How you loved the first one so much, you made me buy the movie & had it on replay until you memorized almost every line & every song. How the "cups song" was your very first ringtone on your phone. How you used to practice the moves with the cups with Bella. She said you were sitting next to us at the theatre, laughing the whole time. I hope so.

Don't think the lyrics got passed us. Irony or coincidence? Either way, it hurts. Either way, it still makes us think of you. We do miss you. We miss you everywhere...


Cups song

Cups (Pitch Perfect’s “When I’m Gone”)

By Anna Kendrick

I got my ticket for the long way round
Two bottle a whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And Im leaving tomorrow, wha-do-ya say?

When Im gone
When Im gone
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone
Youre gonna miss me by my hair
Youre gonna miss me everywhere, oh
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone

When Im gone
When Im gone
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone
Youre gonna miss me by my walk
Youre gonna miss me by my talk oh
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone

Ive got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
Its got mountains, its got rivers, its got sights even shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When Im gone
When Im gone
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone
Youre gonna miss me by my walk
Youre gonna miss me by my talk, oh
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone

When Im gone
When Im gone
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone
Youre gonna miss me by my hair
Youre gonna miss me everywhere
Oh youre gonna miss me when Im gone

When Im gone
When Im gone
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone
Youre gonna miss me by my walk
Youre gonna miss me by my talk, oh
Youre gonna miss me when Im gone

Promise

~~~

The pain of losing you,
Makes it hard to breath,
Makes it hard to sleep.
Trying very hard,
Not to harden underneath.

Just miss my sunshine,
That beautiful smile.
For those warm hugs & kisses,
I'd walk a million mile.

Just promise me baby girl,
To wait for me,
If I can make it through.
Wait for me on the other side,
Behind those skies of blue.

Promise me, and I'll promise you.
In my arms you'll be.
Then hand in hand,
We'll fly the skies together,
And swim through every sea.

We'll be together once again,
And remain for all eternity.

~~~

Price

*************

"How long will the pain last? All the rest of your life. But the thing to remember is that not only the pain will last, but the blessed memories as well. Tears are the proof of love. The more love, the more tears. If this be true, then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether? For then the memory of love would go with it. The pain of grief is the price we pay for love.”   
- Author Unknown

*************

5k race

My sweet girl,

I read a quote today: "Time does not heal all wounds, it's what you do with that time."  I tried to do just that, to do some good with my time. I think it worked, because today was a good day.

Your friend Dominic's mom came over this morning to drop off the purple live strong bracelets she ordered in your memory. She ordered them for your Girls on the Run team to wear for the 5k race today. Mrs. J told the girls to think of you when they run, now an angel pushing them to keep going. :) So, your sisters and I went to represent you & cheer the girls on. They all did great, even Bella ran 6 laps for you!

   




~"In loving memory of Hailey"~

I wore both, including the one Ayde knitted for all of us.

 

I also bought a Beanie Boo for each of the girls to remember you. I let them know they were your favorite to collect. Even Bella got one, the pink dolphin.

 

 

I'm glad we went. I got hugs from your friend Abby, teacher, principal, and Dom's mom. Keeping your memory alive has helped all of us feel closer to you. Even though you may not be here in body, you are in spirit. That part of you we will never let go...

 

I also met Christina, Ava & Cecilia for lunch. It was nice to get out of the house and see them (see I'm listening to the Dr :) Then later Alina came over. We talked passed 1 am before she went home. She's been grieving for you too mouse. Everyone is. It's good for us to talk, cry & laugh about you. We laughed remembering your favorite game to play with Bella, "Alina". Where you'd take turns playing & pretending to be her. In your high heels, grown up outfits & babies. You'd drop your babies off to daycare (me) & go to work, leaving me with instructions on how to take care of them.

 

I'm glad she came over, taking the time in her busy week to see me. Then staying late, knowing she had work & a field trip the next day. It meant a lot. You know she's always been like my sister. She knows too, about how you & your sisters care & look up to her. We are lucky in so many ways to have the family & friends we do baby girl. I don't know where I'd be otherwise...

 

Not a day goes by when I don't think about you.

 

I love & miss you so much. To the moon & back,

 

Forever your Mommy <3

 



Time

My dear beautiful girl,

Since you passed, 3 1/2 weeks ago, Daddy & I have been on an unforgettable journey. First week was trying to get you home. Second week was arranging for your funeral. Within a short time & under extreme pressure, we were forced to make a number of decisions & complete many tasks. I'm thankful for family & friends, & even strangers, whose help made all of this much easier. But even so, all this took a toll.

The worst part throughout most of it, is that we didn't really get a chance to mourn you. In Bolivia, robotically, we signed papers. Exhausted of sleep & patience; we were dragged around office to office, city to city to obtain the proper documents. All in all, we got maybe two good full days to spend with my Mom. I'm glad you were there for that first one...

Once here, it was back to preparing for your funeral. To make it extra special, I went through many pictures, videos, artwork, baby books, all a flood of memories of you. But I had to numb myself to do it. I couldn't stop to look at each one carefully & cry. It wasn't until last week after it was all over, that I was finally able to really grieve for you. To let it all out.

Maybe that's why the wounds still feel like new. I can't say that it gets any better or easier. Only that it's been like learning how to walk again. Some days I move a step forward, some days backward, some days I fall. I try to end each day, with trying to get back up. Yesterday though, I fell and wasn't able to get up...

I finally got the courage to go in your bed room to try & unpack your suitcase. It's been sitting on your bed untouched, since we got back. I didn't get very far without breaking down. Next to your suitcase, there are all your babies you used to play with. Your favorite fuzzy pink blanket. Next to your bed; your drawings, posters & lying on the floor, the violin you will never play again...In your suitcase; brand new clothes you saved specifically for the trip, that you will never get to wear. Your purple North Face fleece jacket that you bugged me about during Christmas...it smelled like you. As did your blanket. I ended up on my own bed, hugging & smelling your blanket & cried myself to sleep. 

I'm sorry for my weakness baby girl. I'm only telling you this so you know, I realized I needed help & made an appointment to see a grief counselor, a therapist. My first time. I met her today. Daddy went with me, but waited in the waiting room. She was a nice lady. She said what I'm going through is normal. That it will take time, but there is no time limit. That the feeling of grief will get better, but never completely go away. Not to isolate myself. That now is the time to stick together as a family, & look to other family & friends for support. Most of it I already knew. It just helped to hear it from someone else...

I'm glad I went. I'm going to be ok honey, so don't worry about me, ok? Oh, and Daddy said that we don't have to give your violin back. He said that we could maybe buy it to keep. Maybe one day your nieces or nephews or one of the dozens of kids in our future family will need it & want to play. :) I hope we can, as another beautiful reminder of you. You loved to play and you were getting really good. I'm going to look into it and let you know.

I miss & love you everyday.

To the moon and back, and in heaven where you're my angel.

Forever your mommy. <3

Dimes for Diabetes

Dear baby girl,

Your running club is sponsoring a donation drive in your honor. I spent most of the day looking for dimes through my many change purses. I still have to go through your dad's coin container & will ask your sisters if they want to contribute. We'll check under the couch, everywhere, and find every last one. :)

Both your running coaches came to the service and brought you this. It has a picture of all the girls in your group on the back, all holding their hands up in the shape of a heart. We were all very touched. I know you would of loved it. See how much you are loved?

I admit baby girl, I was the first to have mixed feelings about your running club. You had just joined a couple weeks before our trip to Bolivia. Around the same time, we started to exercise almost everyday at home. You were drinking water more frequently. I noticed it was more than usual, but just related it to all the running and exercising.

Once we got to Bolivia, you had other symptoms, which we thought was just altitude sickness. That third morning of our trip, I woke up knowing you had something more. At the hospital, once your urine & blood results came back with high blood sugar, the doctor asked me a bunch of questions. "Was there anything you noticed before the trip? Anything unusual?" Yes, I answered. Just that you were thirstier and leaner than usual...

I can't tell you how many times I blamed myself, the running club, our stupid exercising, and the trip to your death baby girl. I know it's the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry. I was just so much in despair, with no answers to my questions. I still am sometimes. I just rationalized that if it wasn't for the trip occupying my mind, if it wasn't for the running, the workouts, that I would of been more alert to your symptoms. I would of taken you to the doctor sooner. I could have saved your life... 

I've been told I shouldn't think or say things like that. That Daddy and I are good parents. The doctor said it would of happened eventually, either here or there. I know it's not fair to blame anyone baby.

If we start doing that, that we will start hating ourselves, everything & everyone. I don't have the energy to do that. I don't want to be that. It goes against everything we tried to teach you & what we stand for.

You loved the running club, and they love you. Every time I picked you up, you would be glowing from the running & the knowledge you gained by your wonderful coaches & teachers. You said it wasn't just about the running. This just proves it baby girl. They are more than that & I'm thankful you were part of something you loved. It's no one's fault.

I hope you're running laps around the angels in heaven.

I love you. I miss you always.

Forever your Mommy <3

 

**UPDATE**

 

We collected so many dimes between me, Daddy, sissy & even Bella. We even included a check, and asked them to include the money for the field trip to Baltimore Aquarium we had paid in advance. Let's hope for a cure my beautiful girl.

 

 





Signs

My dear beautiful girl,

 

Yesterday we went fishing on the Shenandoah River. It was actually my idea. I wanted to get out of the house, a quick get away to somewhere quiet & peaceful. Exactly what I wished for, far enough away from home, but not too far. Being out there, absorbing the sun by the water,  surrounded by trees, mountains, birds, purple wild flowers, made me feel closer to you.

Don't think I didn't see the signs. The yellow monarch butterfly that followed us for a few miles stretch, flying around the raft, in front of our faces? I knew it was you. What I didn't see until this morning, when I uploaded the pics, were these of Daddy and sissy, the moment Daddy caught that cat fish. The purple reflection shining down on our raft, was this you too? Or sun and camera tricks?



                                                  What a coincidence, that purple is your favorite color too. There were purple wildflowers all along the river banks.

 

Maybe everything is a coincidence since we're always thinking of you. I'm sure you know Daddy ended up throwing that catfish back in the water. We all started to feel sorry for it, bashing around in the cooler, fighting for it's life. Bella reminded us that you would of been upset too, since you loved animals so much. We decided to go out to dinner later instead. Better for me, no cooking or cleaning fish guts. :)

Thank you for coming to see me my mouse. I didn't go the whole day without crying, thinking of you. But, we smiled, laughed & yelled at each other like we normally would do. (After being stuck on a raft for 3 hours, trying to teach your sisters how to paddle and going in circles and circles :) It was fun. It almost felt like we were normal again. Even though I know that will never be. There will always be that missing link; you.

We are permanently scarred and changed. But what will never change is our love for you, and for each other. Daddy & I decided we owe it to you, to ourselves, and your sisters to try and continue on...

Thinking last night before bed, my Mother's day prayer to you: I was so lucky to be your Mommy. I don't have any regrets when it comes to you and your sisters. I just wish I would of known about your illness sooner. I wish, so many things...but can't change what's happened.

But if I have anything to be thankful for, it's that I have almost 11 years worth of memories with you. I will cherish each one, for the rest of my days, and each memory thereafter will not be made without thinking of you.

I love you everyday of my life.

Forever your mommy.

**UPDATE**

 

WHY BUTTERFLIES? "Since early times, the butterfly has symbolized renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful, and freer existence. Frequently, the butterfly is seen with the word ‘Nika,’ which means victory. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross movingly tells of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children’s dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elizabeth believes in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concludes that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as a symbol -- a sign of hope to them that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom -- a comforting thought to many." - The Compassionate Friends
Facilitator Handbook  

Letters

Dear baby girl,

Here are just a few letters written in your guest book during your service. We had a memory box, guest book, & guests were able to write you a note, attached to a balloon which we released at home later that night. The ones the kids wrote were so sweet & straight from the heart. I hope you got to read them.

                                                  ~The first batch~

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Don't know if I'll be able to write you. It's been such a tough week. The first week alone for me, then you're birthday, now Mother's Day. I made it to today baby. It's really all I can say. I know it may not seem like much, but if you've been watching, you know it actually is. I'm trying very hard..

I love you so much. I remember all the Mother's Days which you girls made so special. I'll never forget..I know Daddy & your sisters will try and make tomorrow special too. I'm glad he's off. If you can, please try and find your way next to me. At least for a little while...

Love & kisses,

Missing you every day.

Forever your Mommy

                                P.S. Still have more to share.

Baby steps

My beautiful girl,

Yesterday we went to your school to see your exhibit on homelessness. Your teacher Mrs. L came to the service & told us how hard you worked on it, so we had to see it. You did a great job, as usual. It had your artsy touch, creative & colorful. I have to admit, you get that from me. ;) I remember you telling me all about it. You always got really into whatever project your were working on. I loved that passion in you. We are also planning to donate food to the shelters you recommended. I'm so proud of you.

I didn't get to take any pics because the cafeteria was packed, with your classmates & their parents. We didn't stay long either. Almost as soon as I walked in, a parent approached me directly asking me questions about you. I explained to her I was already very emotional, and not ready to talk about it. That I just came to see your exhibit, and maybe we can get together later to talk. She understood. She said her oldest has Type 1 Diabetes.

Then another mom came to give me a big hug. I started to recognize many of your classmates & their parents who attended your service. Suddenly I felt very overwhelmed, so we left. It's going to take time, baby girl. I feel like everything I do, I'm re-learning how to do for the very first time. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Baby steps...

I'm getting ready to go back to your school with your sister for "Muffins with Mom", in honor of Mother's Day. I wish you were here. I'll be thinking of you.

Love you forever,

Forever your Mommy

Grief

Dear Hailey Mouse,

The first few mornings Daddy and I woke up after you passed, we both cried (sobbed). Daddy slept with your beloved pillow sheet wrapped around his arm. It used to be that mornings were the worst, because for a split second, we woke up thinking it was all a horrible nightmare. Then it hit us, that this horrible nightmare actually happened. Now, not just the mornings are hard. It's all the time...

We were so much in shock & disbelief the first couple of weeks. We were so consumed with trying to get you home. The pain was so unreal, it made us numb. Then we finally got you home, surrounded by family & friends. Finally, we had your beautiful service. Finally, we felt a little sense of peace & relief. Finally, you are resting. Finally...you are with the angels.

Here at home though, you are everywhere. I see & feel you in every room. I hear your voice & your laugh. Not just here at home, I think of you all the time, everywhere I go. Going for a walk yesterday, there you were riding your bike ahead of me, then waiting for me to catch up once you reached the corner.

At the grocery store, there you were twirling around the aisles picking out your favorite snacks. I heard your voice, "Mommy, can I PLEEASE get this?" In the mornings, while I sip my coffee watching the news. I wait for you to come down the stairs with your bed head, eyes half opened & sweet morning breath..."Good morning Mommy", walking over giving me a big bear hug.

You're there when I pick your sister up from school. In the sun, stars, moon, rain. You're there, but you are not there. It's finally, slowly, painfully, sinking in that you are not here. That you're never coming back. It hurts so bad baby girl. It hurts so bad that sometimes I can't breath. Like I've been hit in the chest & had the wind knocked out of me. I keep waiting for you to reappear. To at least see you in my dreams...

I have to stop & remind myself that I will see you one day. One day we will reunite in heaven, I know. Even though it seems like too long of a wait. Until then, if you can, please come see me in my dreams my mouse. Just to let me know you're okay, to relieve some of this pain. I miss you.

Love you.

Forever and ever,

Forever your mommy.

Tia Cuqui's poem

~On May 2004, an angel escaped from heaven and arrived to our family. We watched her grow up, she taught us kindness, love & courage. This was a beautiful experience. Last week God noticed she was not in heaven and asked her to come back. We will never forget you Hailey & you will always be in our hearts. ~
                                                   Tia Cuqui & the girls

                    

Bella's speech

Mouse,

This was the amazing speech that your sister wrote & read at the gardens, the day of your funeral. Her & Camryn were up late the night before writing it on my bed. I hope you heard & loved it as much as we all did. It's beautiful. We all admired the way she held it together at mass, reading scriptures & then at the gardens, reading this in front of the family. I hope you were proud. You & sissy did a great job being older sisters. We love you. Here it is:

~Hailey was a special person. She was sweet, funny, nice, and saw the best in everyone. Hailey was the best friend or family member anyone could ever have. We have to hope that God took her away for a good reason. Because maybe something worse could have happened in the future. Hailey had a big heart and no one will forget that. We have to keep her memories alive as long as we live. And one day I promise we will see her again. Hailey & Kayla are and always be my best friends forever.

My family was the best thing that ever happened to me. And they are the loves of my life. And I realize now that instead of fighting and arguing with each other, we have to be loving and caring and cherish every moment that we spent alive. I know that it is going to be hard to go on with our lives but we will have to be strong. Because Hailey is watching over us and she does not want to see us sad because if we do then she will get sad.

And we have to remember that Hailey is a beautiful angel and that she is no longer in pain and that she is having fun. There were so many things she wanted to do in life but now she can do it in heaven. We have to look for signs that she is there. And that Hailey is in a better place now.

Rest in peace Hailey and know that we all love you and are thinking about you. ~