Death

My dear Hailey,

As you probably already know I made it through my surgery ok. Even better than expected. I'm sure it's because you were there, watching over your Mommy the whole time. Thank you.

This whole experience made me think about death again baby girl, but in a new light. With the doctors naming the risks involved & asking if I had a living will in place etc., it forced me to think about the "what if's" all over again.

While it did upset & alarm me at first, bringing back memories of the hospital & you...the only thought that scared me about dying is; of having to leave your sisters behind. Because they still need me...and I need them.

I'm sorry if that sounds bad or wrong baby girl, it's just what I feel. I don't otherwise fear it....because I know it will lead me to you.

For those seconds, however long they lasted, after they administered the anesthesia & they were rolling me away to the surgery room...I waved goodbye at Daddy ready to cry due to the sadness I felt in leaving him...but also for the happiness I felt in the slight possibility that I was going to see you again.

This is what grief does, I guess. I can only blame my thoughts on it, because I've never thought that way before. I always enjoyed life. Tried to live to the fullest...

Now, it's just one day at a time.

Recovering from grief can somewhat compare to recovering from a surgery. Feeling completely out of it at first. Waking up groggy & numb the first day, still under the daze of anesthesia (shock), not fully comprehending what happened. Then slowly, painstakingly, you start to feel the wound....worsening as the medicine wears out. You can only handle small movements at a time. Day by day, small steps at a time until you are somewhat functioning but still not 100 %. You realize you never will be. But you still check the wounds, change the bandages, take more meds to numb the pain as needed, until hopefully one day you won't need to any longer.

Just one day at a time..

Of course the healing of a wounded heart takes longer to heal baby girl. I will be alright physically. I will recover ok. But my heart will always be aching for you.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for your sisters. While I'm happy for them, I'm sad for you. This is why I'm sounding and feeling this way tonight. It's the first school year you will miss. Another reminder, that there will be no more milestones...

It's just hard to accept my mouse. I broke down thinking about it the night of your sister's orientation, the night before the surgery. The grief came down like a crashing wave, unavoidable and uncontrollable.

It's just not fair. You deserved a chance too...

I'm sorry my angel. I don't want to go on and make you sadder.

I have to be strong for Sissy and Bella. Sissy is starting high school & Bella the 4th grade. If you didn't let me leave that morning of my surgery, I know it's because I still have to be here for them. And I want to. As much as I can...

I know you will too. I know you will be walking with your sisters to their bus stop tomorrow, with Grandma & Jaylen who stayed behind to help out on their first day. My other angels... <3

I should be on my feet in a few days but I still have to take it easy. I will be writing to you as much as I can.

Because.....

 

You will always be my sweet angel.

I will always love you.

I will always be your mommy,

Forever & ever.

Goodnight. <3

 

Bella's dream

Hi mouse,

I'm writing this letter from Bella to you, since it's a little easier for me to type. She is right next to me, telling me what to write. It's about her dream she had this morning.

"It started out in our old apartment we had, and I went into the woods and there was a path. I saw this little clubhouse, and when I went inside, it was filled with all our old toys, clothes and everything we ever owned. It looked really small on the outside, but when I went inside it was REALLY big.

I got a little scared at first, but then I knew Hailey was with me. I was looking around, and I saw a bunch of our old stuff. When I looked in the kitchen of the clubhouse, I opened one of the cabinets and I saw our old sippy cups, with princesses and our names on them. When I saw it, I knew you were trying to show me memories of what we used to play with and have.

I cried a little at first, but then I knew you were trying to tell me something. I saw our old clothes in a pile, and went downstairs and saw our old movie tapes we used to watch...Then Kayla woke me up to tell me breakfast was ready.

When I went downstairs for breakfast, I told Daddy & I was sad but happy too. Because I knew you were trying to remind me of everything we used to do."

This is a picture of our old sippy cups:

The blue one was Hailey's since that was her favorite color
at first. Bella had the pink one. :)

This is a picture of us drinking from our bottles. Mommy said whenever I had a bottle as a baby, you wanted one too. You would get jealous and copy everything I did. You wanted to be held, bathed & fed at the same time as me.

As you got older, you preferred chocolate milk in your bottles and sippy
cups. You would ask Daddy "Give us chocolate chocolate milk!" He had
to always make sure he got the bottle colors right or you would complain.

I love you Hailey. Thank you for the dream.

Love,
Bella

P.S. Mommy's note to Bella: She will always be with you. You will always have your memories together & the love that will carry you throughout your life. Never forget. She didn't, and that's what I think she was trying to show you in your dream. :)

Love you my girls,

Forever your mommy <3

Don't worry

My sweet Hailey,

The summer continues to wind down. We are trying to prepare for back to school & also my upcoming surgery this Friday. I just wanted to let you know that I probably won't get to write for a few days. I hope not to be in the hospital long, hopefully just overnight. That will be long enough for me.

Grandma & the girls are coming down Thursday & are staying a few days to help out while I recover. I'm really glad they'll be here. I'm sure we can use the help, but most importantly just to have their company. Your sisters are already a little nervous, so having your cousins here will be a good distraction.

I'm looking forward to feeling better after this is over. I was a little hesitant to go through with it at first. But I've been in so much pain & discomfort now I can't wait. It's taken me away from being able to do other things I had planned this summer. It's the last thing I needed. But as everyone has been saying, my health comes first. I still have your sisters to think about, so staying healthy has to be my top priority. Both mentally & physically...

Oh baby girl, there is so much more I want to say but I will leave it at that.

I will close my eyes tonight and try to listen for your sweet voice again telling me, "Don't worry mommy, everything's going to be alright."

Just like I did that once, in the first few weeks we got back...laying in bed crying for you with Daddy holding my hand. All of a sudden I felt this powerful feeling surge from our hands all the way up my arms into my heart, & I heard it. Your sweet voice. So cheerful, telling me those exact words...and it made my heart almost stop. Your voice was so clear and the feeling so real. I thought for sure Daddy felt & heard it too, but sadly he didn't...but I've never forgotten it baby. I still try to listen for it, by closing my eyes & thinking of that night. When I start to worry, I just listen for your sweet voice.

I will always be listening for you....looking for signs of you....thinking back of our memories of you, my sweet angel.

And when it's time, I will be with you again too...

I love & miss you.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy <3

Haileyfly

My pretty butterfly,


We decided to take the kids (Daniella, Natalia, Ricky & your sisters) out to enjoy the day. It was beautiful. No humidity & not too hot. Summer winding down...just a week left.

I took them to Theodore Roosevelt Island in DC. It's a nice park/memorial close to the Key Bridge, right by the Potomac. I vaguely remember my Dad taking us there when we were little. I just remember the big statue of Teddy Roosevelt right there in the middle of the woods. So tall, & so in the middle of the woods. It's funny, the things you remember...

Our adventures to DC on my Dad's only day off- Sunday...I will always remember.

                                                                  This is Teddy.


Finally found him after a long walk.

The park is surrounded by walking trails & we even did a little hiking. But before we got on the trails, this is the first butterfly we came across...

It was flying in the opposite direction in which we were walking. The kids kept saying "Vanessa, we're going the wrong way! Hailey is flying away! She wants us to follow her!" Sure enough....we were going the wrong way. You appeared & reappeared several times, guiding us along the way. Just like Tyler calls them; it was one of your Haileyflies.

*********

The reason I was so happy to finally get a picture of this butterfly, is because it's the same kind that appeared right before our eyes that day at the beach.

If you were there, which I know you were...with a certainty so strong, I'd be willing to bet my life....then you already know.

That one day a couple weeks ago, we decided to go to the beach, just out of the blue. That something told me we needed to go, because we were in desperate need of a pick-me-up. That we couldn't leave Daddy behind, because he needed it just as badly as your sisters & I. But because we couldn't take any real time off from work, we just went for an overnight trip to Ocean City, MD.

First time going for your sisters. You never got to go. First family trip without you. Guilt. Sadness. All these thoughts were running through my head the day before as I packed our bags. Toothbrushes, clothes, etc...at first using the same bags we used as carry-ons for our trip to Bolivia....then switching to just beach & plastic bags.

Having such bad flashbacks, while in my room & in my closet. Just trying to pick stuff out, simple tasks that evoked such feelings of torment. Losing my breath as if the walls were closing in. Chest, hurting. Another possible anxiety attack...

But it was sadness that finally won. Crying until I was numb again. Bringing me back to those first days when I functioned mechanically, moving as if someone else was controlling my movements with a remote control.  Otherwise with no other feeling in my bones.

*********

I hope you didn't see what a mess I was baby girl. I'm sorry if you did. I didn't expect to feel that way. I knew it would be hard, but not crippling. But maybe that's why you sent me, us, that sign. Your sign. Your butterfly.

That morning at the beach, we woke up early before sunrise. We had planned it the night before. Everyone agreed. I was surprised. Even though we did it a couple times last year at the Outer Banks & before too at the NJ shore...it was never anyone's favorite thing to do; to have to wake up early while on vacation. Bella was first to join me. Then you & Daddy, then finally Sissy.

                                                   Then all of us, together.



Outer Banks 2014. Me taking a picture of all of you, watching the sunrise.

There is some kind of spectacular magic that happens, when you watch the sunrise on the ocean. It's like a religion all by itself. I'm so glad you got to experience it baby. It turned out to be our family tradition.

We tried to keep up with our tradition that morning in OC. As we walked on the Boardwalk, closer to the beach & in the direction of the sun... I felt your presence.

Daddy & your sisters on the boardwalk after a night's rain.

Of course we were thinking of you & wishing you visibly & physically there. To see you walking hand in hand with your sisters up ahead in the distance...





Bella & I were the first ones who dared to take our flip flops off & get our toes in the sand. Then as we started to walk towards the water, Daddy & Sissy followed. 

This is Sissy overlooking the water.

Her caption on Instagram for this pic was:

"Me against the world."

Ayde noticed the butterfly shape the waves washed up on the
shore, right where Bella is standing.

                                                                 


Bella rolled up her PJ's & ran straight for the water. I was right behind her.

It was a cloudy morning but fragments of the sun were starting to show. Not really a full sunrise...

We were all alone on the beach, with the sounds of the seagulls & waves crashing. Each of us inwardly saying hello to you. Sending you our own personal message...just as we often to do at the gardens. That's about the time, when it happened. Appearing out of nowhere...

         A black & purplish butterfly.




It fluttered around to your sisters first, then to me & then to Daddy who was still standing on the small dune from the pic above. 

In disbelief we watched it fly right by him & then just vanish into thin air. Just like it appeared, it just disappeared!

Had I been alone when this happened baby, I would of sworn I was going crazy & that I imagined it all. Had we been anywhere else, I might of been able to accept that it was just a crazy coincidence. Even though I would still argue that there have been way too many "coincidences" since you passed & I don't believe any of them were.

But most definitely, beyond any doubt, this time we knew it was not!

We were shocked & elated.

Sissy was smiling, Bella jumping up & down & saying your name, Daddy shocked that it just vanished. Me, commenting to your sisters that I've never, ever, EVER have seen a butterfly on the beach. And I've been going to beaches every year since I was a kid...

That there were no bushes or flowers or trees! And how could it just appear & disappear like that?!

We knew it was no coincidence. It was you. Sending us a sign. That you are ok. That you are always with us. And I can't thank the powers that be enough, that allowed you to send us that sign. The Haileyfly.

I'm sure you saw & felt the emotion running through our veins baby girl. It was enough for us to break down & kneel upon our knees & pray & cry. But we didn't. Instead we let the happiness & peace sink in down deep to the bottom of our souls.

As if that weren't enough, you even came back later. Appearing right on the water this time, right next to Bella who was almost all in, flying by Daddy who was next to her- then to Sissy who was with me on the shore. Watching, as the Haileyfly flew right towards me, down to my left hand suddenly touching it, as if planting a sweet kiss!

                                            I had just written your name on the sand too.



                                                            We just couldn't believe it.

Had not all of us witnessed it, baby girl, we would of thought we imagined it all.

Maybe it was your spirit as a mermaid that allowed you to be there with us that day. You loved the beach so much.

Maybe it was our strong feeling of sadness, that made you want to send us a sure sign that you were ok, not to worry ...and that you were with us, always watching. 

I guess I don't have to tell you that it worked my sweet girl.  Such a sense of peace came over me, that it lasted for days to come. So much so, that I waited to write you this letter about it, to not overthink it, overplay it, or overanalyze it....but just to feel it. To just contemplate it & remember it always.

I can tell you that something in me changed that day. Something in me awoke. If I didn't believe for certain before....I do now.

Weather to call it a miracle or magic, or the hand of God... I do not know. But my beautiful angel- I know it was something beautiful. Something special. Like you.

I feel blessed to have witnessed it. I feel a little less broken...

Things have changed. For the good. And it's thanks to you.

My Haileyfly. My mermaid. My angel...my mouse. I love you.

I know wherever you are, you can be whatever you want to be.

But above everything, you will always be my beloved daughter.

 Thank you for letting me know you're ok.

Forever, your Mommy <3

Sand sculptures in OC..I remember these too when I was a kid. Amazing. Perhaps another sign?



Tonight

Dear baby girl,

My hand still hurts. Probably should still be letting it rest. But I can't help it...

While some people say their prayers before bed. I write to you. To tell you I miss you & that I love you. I know you can hear me. I know you can see me.

So tonight just a little short prayer:

I will not surrender. You are my strength.

I love you and miss you more everyday.

Tonight & forever,

Your Mommy

t1d awareness

4 months

Mouse,

Sissy found this song & let me listen to it. Love love love it. Makes us think of you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXqzxhn6x80&list=RDBXqzxhn6x80

We love you with all our heart.

Forever and ever.

hailey's smurf

hi Hailey it's bella.I still have this picture that you drew in my room.i love you and I am always thinking about you.

:(

My baby girl, it will be hard for me to write tonight. My hand is hurting me. I have this thing called carpal tunnel and it acts up sometimes. It's been killing me all week. Time to wear my brace. :( I'll have to try to find another way to write you. Maybe with the voice dictation thing on my phone. I don't know but I just want to let you know that I love you and I'm always thinking of you. And everybody's OK. I'm OK just missing you. Love, mommy

Monday

Dear baby girl,

Mondays are usually days we dread. As much as we try not to torture ourselves by remembering the Monday you passed, it's always difficult. It was worse in the beginning, those first couple of months. Every Sunday & Monday was the same. For Daddy & I especially. We silently kept tally in our heads of each week that passed. Week 1, 2, 3...with the events of those days playing in our minds over & over like a broken record. We'd wake up every Monday morning, on the hour that you passed- 6am & hug, crying in each other's arms. It was our way of having our "moment of silence" for you.

Eventually we forced ourselves to stop counting. Although we don't say or do anything now, we are still silently aware of it. It's like a well kept secret, not forgotten, but buried somewhere deep in the back of our minds...but every once in a while, it still creeps back up. Every Monday, I still have to fight it from having it take over completely.

In one of the grieving books I read, it mentioned what we were experiencing was PTSD- Post traumatic stress disorder:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don't have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.
Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function.

It said it's very common with those who grieve the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one. A loved one who passed in a tragic or traumatic way. I was very afraid we'd stay this way, suffering with this to the point of not being able to function. But we have managed. We still go to work & do what we have to do, able to silence our minds but not the aching in our hearts...

******

This Monday, thanks to Mrs. Stroud, was a good one. She invited Bella & some of your friends to her classroom to help set up for her upcoming 5th graders. Since Sissy walked Bella over to your school, she ended up staying to help too.

It was your sisters, Isabelle, Tanya, Kimberley & her cousins that showed up. It was nice of your teacher to get the girls together. They had fun. I know you would of loved to have been there. Always wanting to be a teacher, you would of loved to help get her classroom all set up, arranging & decorating.

Mrs. S smiled when I told her during your service, how you would come home from school, immediately heading to the dry erase & chalk board, pretending to be her. Holding a coffee mug filled with water, wearing your teacher's badge around your neck. You would repeat to your "class" everything you learned that day, and that's how I knew you had paid attention. :)

When I picked the girls up from the school after work, they were waiting outside with Mrs. S, Isabelle & her mom. It was good to see them again. Isabelle is getting so tall. She looked so pretty & tan from playing soccer outside the whole summer. As we talked, a black & purple butterfly flew above our heads.

They told me they saw another one outside earlier, while looking at your brick on the path to the learning garden.

Your brick was the first one laid on the path. It's
the first thing you see as you enter. So pretty, like you. <3

    Then the girls showed me the buds starting to show on your tree.

You can see the purple starting to show on the tips. :)

It was nice all over my mouse. I got emotional when I saw your brick. It was nice of Mrs. Polhamus to think of you & order it. We had been checking on your tree & to see the progress of the path during the summer. It seemed like everyone was still on vacation though, with the bricks still stacked up in the corner. We knew yours was inside somewhere. But then today, we saw it completed & it made my heart happy.

You are always with us my beautiful girl.

And we are always with you.

When I think of Mondays, I will try hard to think of just today.

To think of hope, in the budding of your tree.

To think of love & memories, in the placement of your brick & the gathering of your sisters and friends.

To think of your spirit, in the presence of your butterflies...


You are always with us, and we are always with you.

Loving & missing you always,

Forever & ever,

Your mommy. <3

Broken faith

My little girl,

Throughout the months, days, minutes that you've been gone, I have questioned this thing called life, more than ever. I have questioned the meaning of it, most times deeming it meaningless. I have questioned my own existence, most times deeming it worthless.

I've thought it senseless & cruel. To go through life, always having to fight battles. One after the other. Always struggling, always fighting...but with hope thinking:

This is it. If I can just get through this, this one last thing, things will get better. There will be a reward. Things will change. There has to be a reason for all this...I can do this.

It's been that way my whole life. I've tried not to whine about it, or blame anyone. After all, if I can credit myself for all my accomplishments, I can also blame myself for my failures. Right?

There was nothing more irritating to me, than people who played the victim card. Maybe, because I grew up with my mom always doing so. Blaming my father, her family, even us. Everyone else was at fault for her situation. Accepting her fate as a martyr & surrendering. Not wanting to fight... for her sake or ours.

Growing up, I would watch her exist, but not really live. I witnessed her worst days, deep in her depression, lost in her own world. Unable to reach her, unable to save her. Broken & lost. I resented her "weakness". So many times wanting to just shake her out of it. Wishing her to just "snap out of it". Just wanting her to be "normal" for once, wanting her... to just be my mom.

Trying & doing everything we knew...which wasn't much. We were just kids. All we really knew was love. But even that didn't work. So, eventually she just stayed that way. We did too.

That woman you met for just two days? The one everyone said you looked like, your whole life? Before she aged, of course. Before her face was severely scarred. Before the history of her pained life started to show in the wrinkles around her sad eyes...

The one who sat in the corner of our hotel room, just talking to herself? The one who refused to enter the hospital waiting room & sit with the rest of the family, and chose to wander the streets outside instead? Because she was too nervous. Too anxious & afraid.

She was beautiful once, like you. She was smart. She was full of life. She is my mother.

I always saw her resemblance in you. You had her smile, her eyelashes, her hair & even her hands. Long, soft, thin & feminine. I have my dad's; thick, stubby, manly & warm.

Not only in looks. Similar in personality too. At least from what I remember, before she got real sick. From how my Dad & her family once described her.

Always feminine & delicate, smiling & laughing, fashionable with expensive tastes. Sassy & undomesticated. You never wanted to lift a finger & always wanted the best of everything.

Daddy & I used to joke, "I hope she marries a nice rich man who can afford her tastes in dresses & shoes, have many babies with and can hire a maid to clean up after them."

I often think now, my mom would of been happier, had she lived that type of life too. Except the baby part. My mom once admitted to me, "I was not meant to be a mother." But it didn't make her a bad person. Just maybe not the best mother...

She was a teacher, a professor of Spanish literature. A woman living in a third world country who managed to go to college & make something of herself. A woman with a profession. Maybe that destiny she worked so hard for, is the one she yearned for instead. But then life happened.


I wish you would of gotten more time to know her baby girl. The real her. I know she's still in there somewhere. Deep down underneath those layers of sadness, a dimmer version of her old self still exists.

When the doctors told us that the disease you had, Type 1 diabetes, would of struck anywhere, anytime & it just happened that we were there...some said you waited to meet her first, before you left this Earth.

That God wanted you to meet the grandma you always heard so much about. The one you watched Mommy cry over a hundred times....

I am glad you met her. I just wish it had been different. I wish so many things...

She wanted to bake you a cake for your 11th birthday, because she was never there for any of your birthdays. I just wanted you to know that. That she loved you always, even from afar. How very sorry she is, like we all are, about what happened...

She cried a lot too baby. And she is more broken than before...


It's her & all the other broken people around the world, that I thought about when I first saw this quote pop up in several places after you left.

I wondered, how could this be true?

My mom wasn't always broken. It's life that made her that way.

Her & countless others. Now me included.

I think, this isn't true for the mom who's kid was murdered. Or died in a car accident. Or committed suicide. I read about them daily. They are broken forever. If you ask them, they have no destiny, but to one day meet their child on the other side... that their destiny was torn from them, the day their child died.

I learned that brokenness has nothing to do with weakness. In fact, these beings are the strongest people I know. And yes, they are victims. To the unfairness of life. To life's tragedies. Only one who has lived it, can know.

Despite everything, my mom has made it this far. Living in another country for almost 15 years, without her kids, she misses & grieves for us just as if we were gone from this Earth too. Wondering the streets visiting churches, parks, schools & restaurants that we once went to. Seeing our ghosts roaming these places, just as I see yours too...when I miss you desperately. Searching for ways to be closer to you...

She also grieves for the life she once had, and for the future she won't.

I know now how my mother feels. I no longer resent her. I no longer blame her. I admire her.

Because her brokenness has nothing to do with her weaknesses. Yes, God gave her more than she could handle. More than she could bear.

That while her faith has helped her bear it for all these years. It's still not fair. It's still not a life anyone should have to live. But we live it, with the promise that there will be some kind of reward at the end.

My only thought for you my beautiful girl, is that you got to skip all that. You don't have worry about bearing such pain. I will try, for you, not to have you watch me live with it either. I will try...

But I am broken too now, like my mom. Why? Because even though I got to be your mommy for almost 11 years, I wanted a lifetime.

I would of continued to be your mommy & take care of you...I would of tried my best. But maybe my best wasn't good enough.

So, like her I will accept it. Having no other choice. I'll try & be strong. Continue to hope. That one day, we too will be lucky & free from pain.

Until then, we will continue to live as we have....doing the best we can, being the best we can.

Because if there is a reward to having survived it all....

The only reward I will ask for, is to once again, see you.

My beautiful angel. For you, I will keep my faith.


I love you forever.

Forever your mommy. <3

Back to school

My mouse,

Just a couple more weeks of summer left before your sisters go back to school. I took them to buy some supplies earlier this week. This picture popped up on my "Facebook memories" one day. This was you & Bella this time last year, in the parking lot of Target. All ready for back-to-school shopping, with your purses (like you were going to pay), lists & clipboard in hand.

The caption read: "All ready to go, back to school shopping is serious business!"

 

You even had a pencil tucked in your bun, behind your ear...

 

You all loved shopping in general, but back to school shopping was your absolute favorite.  

 

Picking out all your supplies in your favorite designs & colors, making sure they all coordinated. Checking off your list as you went.

 

You had it down pat. All you needed me for, was to pay the cashier at the end.

 

Then going home organizing & labeling your supplies...

 

 

I thought about this, as we walked through the aisles. Watching your sisters as they checked off their lists, imagining you there, taking first dibs of all the cute stuff. Arguing of "who saw it first."

 

I never thought I'd have one less kid to shop for. I hear people complain around me & quietly wish to myself that I would still have 3 kids to shop for. How lucky they are.

 

The same at work, now that parents are calling for last minute appointments trying to get their kids in for shots & physicals....every time I get a mom of an 11 yr old, going to middle school...my heart skips a beat. How lucky there are.

 

It's something I know I will have to live with forever. All those milestones to come, I will have to find a way to bear it. Without letting myself get buried in grief. Sometimes it will be unavoidable.

 

I still haven't even gone through your book bag from last year my mouse. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I will have to eventually. For now, your purple book bag lays on the floor beside your bed, just where you left it.

 

 

 

 

*******

 

Mrs. Stroud invited Bella & your friends Isabelle, Tanya & Abby to help set up her classroom for the upcoming 5th graders. I thought it was so sweet. Of course your sister is thrilled. She can't wait. Specially because Mr. S offered to treat for lunch afterwards. :) I hope Bella gets her as her teacher too in the 5th grade.

 

Time continues to pass baby girl. The other day we took your blanket from your room & slept with it. It still smells like you. Some days we just miss you so much. But Bella put it back the very next day. She's afraid if we use it too much, "your smell & germs will go away." She's probably right.

 

I love you Hailey Anne.

 

So much, babygirl.

 

We miss you everyday. So much..

 

To the moon, around the universe & back....

 

Always & forever,

Your mommy <3

 

 

 



~

Enough

Hi baby girl,

Sorry I haven't been able to write you every day. I'm always thinking of you. It's just that life gets in the way. Sometimes it's for the best. We've been keeping busy with positive things. But as always...with you in mind.

Sometimes, I talk to you out loud & I think you can hear me better that way. Like yesterday after work, it was nice & sunny, low 80's and I stopped by the gardens to see you. The flowers we dropped off the other day were still there (we've figured out that the deer won't get to them, if we leave the plastic on the outside). I sat down for a good while, talking to you- just me & you. I could of stayed there all day. It's peaceful there, surrounded by birds, dragon & butterflies...

I was telling you about the One Direction concert the night before. How much we missed you & wished you were there. How excited your sisters were. How we wore our Hailey necklaces for you, close to our heart...

Daddy & Bella's seats up top. Sissy and I had floor seats.

I woke up Saturday morning thinking of how excited you would of been. How you never got to see them live. It was hard not to feel sad baby. But like Sissy says, you've probably already seen them live a hundred times by now, and have hung out back stage with them.

We got a text from Sydney on the way over telling us to have fun, saying she knew you'd be there with us, just like you were for her.

Daddy got choked up reading it. It meant a lot to us. It's hard for any of us to do these things without you. I know Sydney had a hard time too, specially in the beginning.

We learn as we go, that we shouldn't feel bad & stop making memories. We've learned we can still make memories, with you included.

Sissy & I noticed that they used a lot of purple stage lights the whole night & for one song (I forgot which one) everyone was waving their purple glow sticks (the cheap ones we got from the Dollar Store, unfortunately didn't glow at all).

Just like when we saw Foo Fighters last month, & Dave Grohl was wearing a PURPLE cast on the leg he broke. We all looked at each other and smiled. Purple? Really?

We had a lot of fun baby. I saw a lot of girls your age too with their parents. Arian, sissy's friend rode with us too, but he sat somewhere else. The "going to a concert with your parents" thing didn't exist in my day. It amazes me to see that. It's kind of cool actually. I may not be 1D's biggest fan, Daddy either, but we went for your sisters. To spend time with them, to watch them have fun & enjoy it. It makes us happy to see them happy. It gives us hope for the future..

Other people outside our box may not think we care about them as much, since you passed. That we are so consumed with our grief for you, that we have forgotten about them. The grieving part may of been true, not being helped, in the very beginning. But because we just lost you. Because we were lost ourselves, in shock & despair, not knowing what to do. But not because we love them any less...for God's sake.

It really hurt me to hear that, in so many words, coming from Tia's mouth a few weeks ago. Yes, the same Tia that told me to "stop with the memories" because she thought it was doing more harm than good.

Just before she left for Bolivia, she said she needed to talk to me, at first wanting to talk in person. With time not allowing, we spoke over the phone instead. She was jumping around with her statements, saying things like "be careful with the girls", "you don't want them to think you love Hailey more", "my mom always loved my brothers more." etc, etc...

It hurt me, and it made me mad. Is it because of what she reads here, or your Facebook page- which are dedication & awareness sites in memory of you, that she assumes I love you more? Is that what everybody thinks? But I didn't ask, because if it's negative, I honestly don't care what people think.

I assured her that is not the case. That I love my daughters equally. That because of them, I'm still here. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. And they know that...

It made me mad to have to justify that to her. But then I realized that for someone on the outside looking in, maybe it does seem that way. Someone who's never lost a child. Someone who doesn't really know me. An outsider, who is not really part of my everyday life....because if she was, she would not be saying those things. Because they aren't true.

Technically, she is an outsider. She is not one of the few that come to visit, call me, or check on me. All she sees or hears about are the things I choose to write here or on Facebook, or not at all..

She doesn't know my daily struggles. She doesn't know my history, how I love my kids & how I've lived my life for them. And still do. Or if she does know, maybe she's forgotten.

Maybe she's forgotten, that I'm just a grieving mother who keeps this blog, writing letters to her deceased daughter as a way to still communicate with her, the only way she knows how...and to keep her memory alive.

She probably doesn't know that I get weekly messages from Type 1 Diabetes mothers all around the world thanking me & congratulating me for my courage in spreading awareness through your Facebook page, despite losing you. That they ask if they can share our story on their page, in an effort of support & to spread awareness. That I've been contacted by an organization affiliated with several news stations that are interested in sharing our story, who heard about us through the "Type 1 community"...


My God baby, the tears just pour out as I write this....

It's so unfair. Do I seem like a mother who loves her one deceased child more than her 2 living ones to them? I doubt it..

But I forgive her. Only because she's my Aunt & I know she means well. She's not a bad person. Even if her opinion is an ignorant one. I hope that she only meant it to help instead to judge. For now though, it may be best to keep my distance from her. People don't know how much harm they can cause with their words, or what powerful statements they can make with their actions...

Your sisters know how much we love them. They know how hard both Daddy & I have fought & fight each day to keep moving forward. We don't need to prove anything to anyone. As long as Sissy & Bella know...which I know they do.

That's all that matters. That's enough.

Our love for each other, will always be enough.

Enough to carry us through this...enough to give us courage & strength.

I'm sorry baby girl.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Everything is going to be ok.

We love you and need you more than ever.

Forever your mommy <3

On our way

Mousie Anne,

Woke up to a beautiful morning.

The sun is shining bright.

How I wish you were here,

To hug so tight.

 

I woke up thinking of you,

But that is nothing new.

Some days, that's just all I do. 

 

I think of all the summer days we spent.

All those days, all those years,

That just came and went.

 

We had so much fun my mouse.

Swimming at the pool, playing in the park.

Beach trips, eating ice cream.

 Lazy days lounging at the house.

 

Doing them now, is just not the same.

But knowing you are near, in our hearts,

We still try, to honor your name. 

 

Just a note to say we love you.

We miss you everyday.

 

Fly high baby girl,

Be free.

 

One of these days,

We will be on our way.

 

 

God's promise

My dearest Hailey,

This is a little wind chime Auntie gave me a long time ago. I think it was a birthday gift. This and another one that's about "sisters". I always liked them both, specially the messages on them. So much that in every place we've lived, I always hung them up on the walls of you & Bella's bedroom.

Once we moved here & you both got your own bedroom, this one went on your wall & Bella got the sisters one. They still hang there today....

I was in your room one day & it caught my eye. I had forgotten all about it. Forgotten all about the message. I took a picture of it because I knew I'd want to write about it one day....

Reading it, there hanging on your wall, I stood frozen in time, just reading it over & over. Remembering the day we decorated your room & hung it up, because we thought it was pretty & cute, with a nice message. Just like we hung an angel & a dream catcher by each of your beds (you & your sisters), thinking it would bring you good luck & keep you protected.

I stood there, wondering how much truth there is behind it. Finding it ironic...that it happened to be in your room. Catching my eye, on a day when I felt so lost. On a day when I was desperately looking for answers.

I know we'll never find any real answers baby girl. It's a really hard thing to deal with. We look for guidance instead in therapy, books, in each other, anything we can grasp to make it a little bit easier. Even then, sometimes nothing makes sense.

Then it happens, every now & then...something is said or a memory recalled. Random things we've picked up on, since you passed. I don't know what to call them; signs or coincidences, but they are all somehow connected to your passing. :(

They all seem to lead in the direction of the same message...

That it's no one's "fault" that this happened. That maybe it even was already even "pre-planned"....

I try not to overthink things. I try not to torture myself with the what if's & why's. But sometimes, some things just jump out at me. Things like this wind chime.

The others; I've made a mental list of them all. Maybe for another letter, another time....

For now, they just serve as a reminder, a message that....planned or not, maybe God doesn't promise a life of perfection. That bad things do happen in this world...and maybe for a reason. That it is unfair. But maybe more unfair to blame anyone, Him or myself...

A reminder, that Love will prevail.
The same love that brought you into this world.
The same love that raised you.
Kissed your boo-boos.
Fed you, bathed you, clothed you.
Sacrificed for you.
Watched you grow for 10 years...

The same love that will give us strength to live the remainder of our lives without you, but always for you.

My promise to you baby, is that I will try to do so...we all will.
You were & always will be our precious angel.
That will never change.

If there was something we could of done, we would have.

I love you to the moon & back baby girl.

I miss you everyday.

Always & forever,
Your mommy. <3

The girls

My pretty girl,

I miss you.

Daniella & Natalia just left. We spent the day with them yesterday, they slept over, spent the day together today & still when Papi came to pick them up, they didn't want to leave. :)

We went to the pool, played putt-putt mini golf, went to the park, had ice cream, & started to work on their scrapbook of you & all the kids. We've been meaning to start it sooner, but it took a while for me to get all the pictures together & developed. It's turning out real nice...

I'm glad that the girls & your sisters can still have fun together. I like to see the smiles on their faces. It's nice to have the house filled with laughter & noise again too...sometimes silence is deafening.

I love that they keep you in mind, making you friendship bracelets, playing mermaids at the pool, playing all the games you taught them & even pretending you are there. Which I think you are, some way or another.

I can't help feeling you around more when we are with them. Maybe it's because you loved them so much & always wanted to be around them, just like your sisters.

I found this pic of the very first & last sleepover with the girls, for Bella's birthday. You were all so happy & excited...you had a fun night & woke up the next day to make pancakes...

Just like that night, the girls were up last night talking & laughing. Sometimes I listen for the sound of your laugh among theirs...I can almost hear you chiming in their conversation, competing with Bella for attention, & to be the boss.

It's the same, when your cousins come over from Jersey. I can picture you down there in Sissy's room with them, helping Jaylen braid hair with the new styles you learned from You Tube, blasting One Direction.  I can hear that loud funny laugh of yours that carried far, just like those big loud sneezes that came out of such a little girl.. That, you got from me. :)

When Tyler & Dylan come over, I can see you on the couch, playing video games or running around the house with your wizard sticks, playing hide and seek, playing house or school or babies...managing to keep up with Lego's, Minecraft, Mario & still feed your babies while giving out fake school assignments...Birthday parties or get together's- it's all the same my mouse.

In my eyes, you are there.

Holding the babies, playing with the kids, you & Bella calling the shots with the rest of the kids are following you around in tow...

We always remember. Always look for your signs. The butterflies, dragonflies, birds, purple wildflowers, clouds shaped as angels or mermaid tails...

Wherever we go; Kings Dominion- we saw a yellow monarch butterfly with Ayde. Right there fluttering around in front of us, as we were waiting for the kids to finish a ride. Not staying still long enough for her to take a picture (I pictured you rolling your eyes as you did when I asked you to pose for a picture, protesting if I posted it on FB.) Then later, talking about you with Papi, sitting down waiting for them to finish another ride, "Over the rainbow"- the same Hawaiian version the kids sang at your service, played overhead the entire park.

At first, it alarmed me so that life could go on without you, my sweet daughter. That we could go on. I rebelled against it. But then I saw the alternative- which was no life at all. Which was unfair all around. To your sisters especially.

But then what about you?

The only way to make it less so, is to still have you close somehow. In our memories, is the only way we know how...

Bella rode the bumper cars because they were your favorite. We walked around the whole time remembering how you disliked rollercoasters because they scared you. How once we thought a particular roller coaster looked harmless at first glance, so Papi rode it with you...and it turned out to be faster than you expected, so you got mad at him & stayed mad the rest of the day. Even though I tried to explain that we didn't know...you were a stubborn & resentful little mouse.

The memories brings us smiles, laughter & sadness honey. But most important, they bring us- you.

I used to be sad at first, thinking the kids would eventually forget you. But after hanging out with them these last couple of days, I doubt that. They keep your memory very much alive. They even asked to see your room again. We went in together with Bella. It's still hard for Sissy. I know she will when & if she's ready. <3

We stayed there for a while, looking at your drawings on your wall, your babies & stuffed animals, your books, perfumes & lotions all neatly lined up, some never read or used...your clothes still in your closet the way you left them..

For a moment we stood still, eyes wandering, feeling a pang in our hearts. The only way to explain it baby, is they wanted to be in there the same reason I go in there every morning before I leave the house for work...because we miss you.

To be closer to you. Just one more time...

People might say: let go, move on, why torture yourself?? To me, it's not any of those things.

Everything I just mentioned, no matter how small, create a gateway to you....

Even if only halfway. For now.

Even if it means getting so far & not being able to get any further.

Just hanging there, standing there, with no other passage way to get to you.

Not until it's all over...

Until then baby girl, I will stand there. Even if it means standing there alone.

I will keep hanging on, for as long as I can.

Because any distance closer to you, is where I want to be.

Where I can still see & hear you. Where I can feel your warmth, your hugs, your kisses

Even if only in a dream or by the feel of a light breeze...

In the sweet fluttering of a butterfly's wings...

In the sunrise or sunset of a hot summer day...

I will be standing there.


*******************

I love you so much my beautiful girl.

I'm here, hanging on.

Until I see you again,

Your mommy forever & ever. <3



PS. Bella won. I came in second place. :)

~

Ballerina



My little girl,

 

I've been going through so many pictures. They bring a smile to my face. There was a reason I had 3 girls. Ballerinas, princesses, dolls, stuffed animals....pinks & purples, glitter...dancing, singing. All these things remind me of you & your sisters. I wouldn't of traded it for anything in the world.

 

These are a couple of pics I found of you & your ballerina dresses. You never took any dancing classes, just gymnastics (which you loved), but you and your sisters would dress up & dance around the house all the time. I miss that....

 

I miss you.  I know you're dancing up there with the angels...

Before purple, your favorite color was blue.

Love you our pretty ballerina.

I love you my beautiful girl.
Everyday I miss you.

Forever your mommy. <3