I love you Hailey.

Sweet dreams.

Mommy

Halloween memories

My beautiful girl,

October is coming to an end. Tomorrow is Halloween. You would of definitely had your costume picked out by now, just like your sisters. Bella is going to be a witch this year & Kayla is going to be Jem from Jem & the Holograms. We watched the movie at the theatres last week & they liked it. :)

You were never something scary for Halloween. You always loved dressing up, wearing make-up & doing your hair. When you were little your very first costume was a pumpkin. Then you were a tiger, Mini mouse, Dorothy from Wizard of Oz (I think twice), Belle from Beauty & the Beast (maybe twice), Princess Fairy, Hollywood movie star (definitely twice) & last year you wore a beautiful blue "prom dress" that we found at the Salvation Army. I don't think you had a name for your costume. You just wanted to wear the dress with heals & make-up. :)

I know I will be sad tomorrow. As much as I will try & be in the spirit. I'm not sure I'll even go with your sisters to trick-or-treat...I was thinking I'd just drop them off at Papi's & come back here to pass out candy. Something we've never really done. I think Daddy may of been home maybe once and stayed behind to pass out candy. Otherwise, he'd be at work. Maybe once or twice he got off early, when you girls where little, to go trick-or-treating with us...but not me. I always went with you girls.

Such happy memories, my mouse. I will wonder what you would of been this year. No doubt you are a beautiful mermaid in heaven, something that you always wanted to be here. But we never got around to getting you your tail...

I don't want to ruin it for your sisters, so I will try my best. I'm sure you will be right by their side, tallying up the amount of candy each of the kids collect...running to beat Bella to all the houses, to be the first in line.

I love you Hailey. I will miss you more than words can say. Happy Halloween.

Forever, your mommy. <3

Diabetes awareness

Hailey was included in this awareness campaign with all the other angels lost to Type 1 Diabetes, for November's Diabetes awareness month. There are many who care and are working to educate & spread awareness, so no other lives are lost to this terrible disease. <3


https://www.facebook.com/Diabetes-the-Parents-Side-International-255911201130413/

"Some of our Angels that were taken too soon, may they never be forgotten ! cry emoticon RIP to all of those taken before, during and after being diagnosed. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers go out to the families and to the friends. Taken with either type 1 or type 2 diabetes that needed, diagnosed, treated, were miss treated or mis diagnosed, needed insulin, sugar or carbs for life - had complications of before during or after diagnosis - those that were too low or too high and those not caught or treated in time, those that could not get their insulin or test strips because of certain laws or expired scripts. We fight for you all!!! "Check Don't Guess" to Help to Save -A- Life, Life First."
#CheckDontGuess
#SaveALife
#LifeFirst

Daddy

My mouse,

The most painful experience besides losing someone you love, is the feeling of being completely & utterly helpless...while and as you losing that person.

Twice now in the last six months, we have lost two people in our family whom we love with all our hearts, to diseases with no cure. Cruel, callous, devastating, unforgiving diseases...

And we've to had to watch it all play out, with the inability to do a thing about it. As if we were forcibly tied to a chair with our feet bound, hands tied behind our backs, mouths covered with masking tape, eyes forced wide open... watching the most horrible, scariest, heartbreaking movie playing over & over right before your eyes.

It's enough to break & traumatize anyone for life, my mouse. First you, now Daddy. :(

Although Daddy's disease hasn't taken him away completely, it has taken enough of him that he is no longer living with us. Although we haven't yet lost him completely, we have come really close this time & it's really scary & sad. The one thing we feared most after you passed, was that another one of us would get sick, either mentally or physically, or both, because not one of us would be strong enough to fight it.

At first, as much as we were suffering we managed to stay strong as a family. We were trying to pull together for the sake of your sisters. For ourselves, and you my beautiful angel. It didn't take long before things turned for the worst. I saw the early signs & hoped once again, that with enough prayers...enough pleading & crying that someone, if not Daddy; God or Jesus or a higher power would have mercy on us. As resentful as I still was towards God, for not saving you....as a last & only resort, desperate for help, I asked Him to help us.

As you probably already know, Daddy is with Grandma & Pop Pop. He arrived there yesterday (for the second time). I don't know if you heard the prayer Bella & I said out loud before having breakfast Saturday morning? (Sissy was still sleeping) We asked God to give us strength to go on, & strength specially for Daddy, to get better. The next morning, he came to pick up some warmer clothes for Jersey & took a train back to Grandma's....

I have realized that no higher power controls our actions or makes decisions for us, baby girl. I know that ultimately, it was up to Daddy this time to help himself, because no one else could. God knows, we've tried over & over so many times over the years.

The day of your sixth month anniversary, I took off work & not only mourned for you but also for Daddy. Because deep down, I knew that even with whatever the outcome of his recovery would be, our relationship as husband & wife was over. I don't remember ever crying so many tears...losing two of my loves in such a short time. I am still heartbroken my mouse. We all are & will be maybe forever.

I could write chapters & chapters of our history together, my sweet girl. A whole book probably. But it would a sad book. I rather not recall any of it right now. This letter is hard enough for me to write as it is.

But I'm writing it to tell you, as I've told your sisters....that you three have always been the most important things in my life. That no matter what, you have always brought such joy to our family. That as long as I have breath in my body, I will try my best to make sure they are safe, healthy & happy. They will always come first.

And like I told Daddy after you passed; I can't do this alone. Not this time. I needed him to be there for me this time. I needed him to be my rock, just this once. I warned him that should anything else happen, I wasn't strong enough to hold all of us together. That he'd have to pull his own weight...that if it came down to it...if I had to make a choice, I'd have to let him go in order to save ourselves.

So I let go, my mouse. It hurt me to the core to do so, it still does, but I had no other choice. Your sisters need me more. They need at least one sane semi-strong parent. Now is such a crucial time & they need me to be their rock. Just like my Dad has always been mine, still is & always will be, more so because my mother never could be.

I know Daddy is suffering too. I know he loves all of us. Unfortunately his disease is a selfish one & sometimes doesn't allow for him to show it. We can always forgive him but not the disease. At the end, all we can really do is just keep loving him & hope that it's enough for him to fight it.

But we've learned not to keep our hopes up too much, my angel. From past experience, it has always lead us to just more pain. And we just can't handle any more. It's not fair.

So we will just continue to pray, as we have been doing every Sunday now. Visiting the church after hours, Bella lighting prayer candles for you & now Daddy. And for ourselves too. For Grandma, Pop Pop, Nanny, Uncle Chris & Dan...the whole family who is hoping & wishing for another miracle.

Like Grandma says, "It's us who we feel sorry for. The ones that love him. The ones that can't eat or sleep worrying..."

But I worry about all of us. I feel sorry for all of us. Him too. :(

I hope you know Daddy loves you too my mouse. He loves all three of you the same. I hope you can see a light at the end of all this. If you can, please stay by his side. Please ask God to help him get better too. We need all the help we can get.

I love you my sweet girl.
I hope you are not sad.
And if you are, don't be afraid to see me in my dreams.
Don't be afraid to hug me.
I'll be your rock too, still.
I'll hug you too, & tell you that everything will be alright.

Know that I love you. Know that I miss you.
Know that I will forever & ever,
be your mommy. <3

Fall Day

Dear Hailey,

 

We finally got a chance to hang out with all the kids today & enjoy some of this nice Fall weather. We went to see Bella's soccer team win 3-2, painted pumpkins, played at the park at Buckland, ate some pizza, and went pumpkin picking (for carving) at a pumpkin patch we discovered not too far from the house. Complete with slides, corn mazes, donkeys, & a haunted farm. But, the kids were too young to enter the haunted farm.

 

Tonight, we have the girls & Dylan over for a sleepover while Ty is at Papi's. We have the boys for the weekend while Auntie is out of town.

 

While all this was going on, other 'things' were happening elsewhere that occupied my heart & mind. But I tried my hardest to focus on just having a fun day with the kids. I didn't want to spoil the day & so I won't spoil this letter any further either by making more mention of it.

 

Of course we missed you. We got you a white pumpkin that I'll try to carve into a Haileyfly tomorrow. :)

 

The best part of the day, is that we got to see your tree at school. And guess what? It turned pretty colors like the rest of the trees! Tyler & Dylan saw your tree & brick for the first time too.

 

All in all, a success of a day. We survived another day without the physical you, but with the help of your spirit in the skies, trees, cool fall breeze...and in our hearts, we did it with some peace.

 

I love you my beautiful girl & miss you every day.

 

I'm always looking for your signs,

 

Forever, your mommy <3

 

The girls

 

Never too old to swing.

Kids swinging with your rays of sunshine lighting the way.

Natalia takes after you on the monkey bars. Won't stop even with blisters
 on her hand. :)

Your tree! :)

Boys checking it out.






Just because I thought this was a cool looking tree. :)

~

You never dotted your 'i's with a plain period. Always
a heart or flower. <3

6 months

My Dear Hailey,

I hope you didn't see what a big mess I was yesterday. I knew I'd be a mess, just not that big of a mess...I'm sorry honey.

I try to stay strong for you, for me, for everybody. But grief has to be dealt with face to face sometimes. It's no use turning your back trying to ignore it. So I confront it, using every weapon I have. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But yesterday I didn't even try to fight, because I knew it had me beat from the start.

I was in your room for a good part of the morning, going through your things. At first there was a lot of tears seeing everything as you left it. Perfect & orderly. All your babies on your bed, perfectly lined up & covered with your blanket. Your stuffed animals (doggies) in their beds on the floor, also lined up & covered by a blanket. You were such a good mommy.

All your perfumes, books neatly placed on your bookshelf. Your clothes & shoes in the closet, clothes neatly folded & separated in your drawers. Besides leaving your trail of clothes around the house & on your bedroom floor all the time, your room was usually always that clean. You must of cleaned it extra good before we left for the trip...

I also found your "things to do" checklist on your dresser. This stung me the worst, even when I first saw it after coming back from Bolivia. I thought, "My poor baby didn't know she wasn't coming back. We didn't know. None of us knew." "Just imagine if she knew...." "Just imagine if any of us knew" "If I only knew....why didn't I know?" "How could I have not known??????"

We would of never gone. No way would we have ever made the trip. We would of stayed here, where things might of turned out differently....maybe you would of had a better chance. why, why, why............what if, what if, what if......

I know it's the worst thing to do, to think these thoughts my mouse. But I can't help it. I know it's not the way life works. We never know, that's the problem. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Nothing is guaranteed...And although I force myself to stop these thoughts before they continue to haunt & torture me....a part of me will always ache with wonder.

I haven't been able to throw out or move anything in your room. But that note...the checklist you wrote on a yellow sticky note that lays on top of your "Sisters" book, is the only thing I'm tempted to hide away for good. Because it's always a reminder to me....

She didn't know.

And it breaks my heart over & over again.

****************

But then I think I know the reason for that. Because; you would of been so scared. So sad. Instead, you went peacefully, with your closest loves by your side. Without ever knowing....

You left this Earth, drifting...
Flying up to Heaven....
Where God was waiting.....
With open arms & along the other angels....
He gave you your wings.

And that is what I will always imagine my beautiful girl.

There were things I found that made me smile too. More art, notes, scraps from the Christmas presents you made for us, little things that belonged to you that are only you. :)

I will cherish it always.

**********

I hope you got our balloons & saw the pretty flowers we picked out for you baby girl. Six balloons for six months. Six thousand times we've whispered we love you. Six thousand times we've whispered we miss you.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Halloween Decorations

Mouse,

 

We finally put up the Halloween lights. We added the purple for you. Hope you can see it from Heaven. <3

 

 

 

~

My little star,

I found this in your room yesterday. As I go through things one day at a time, I find little treasures each time. I love this one because every time I look up at the stars, I look for your's. 

<3

In the light

My Dear Hailey,

I can't believe it will soon be six months. I don't know why the anniversary months are so hard. And they get harder...

I have a feeling I will be without voice. Without reason of mind. In other words my baby, I don't think I will be able to write you or do much of anything that day. So I will just tell you now, how much we love & miss you. That not a day goes by you are not thought of.

I will tell you now, that in the first few days, in the midst of the darkness...after your passing, I asked God:

"How could you do this to me?"
"How am I supposed to go on without my baby?"

With such rage & pain in between uncontrollable powerful sobs...that I just couldn't believe, my sweet girl. I couldn't believe that it was even possible to feel such rage & pain and still be standing, breathing, living...

How could it be?

Grief has no boundaries. Once it takes hold, that's it.

I'm so glad you never had to experience this. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone.

********

I will tell you, that I didn't think I would be able to. Live & breath no more...

Because the pain was just too much. The depth of my sorrow reached beneath a layer of me I didn't even know existed. A layer that you're not supposed to know exists, but unfortunately discover when you experience a loss so great. A dark scary sinking hole that invites you to stay for a while, maybe even for good.

But you know it would be really bad if you did. So you struggle with every bit of energy you have to try & leave....go back to where you know is safe & familiar. It doesn't take long before you start to lose energy & hope...it's a long way back...and you rapidly start slipping.

The truth is, you can't do it alone. If you are lucky, you see people above you with life savers, ropes, ladders, arms, & hands waiting to pull you back up. And they are waiting for you with a smile and a warm blanket with which they wrap you in, hug you for a long while & don't let go. Until you say it's ok to do so.

I will tell you, my beautiful girl, that I still sometimes feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket. I often times feel myself slipping. And I don't think that feeling will ever end. I think the rest of my days will be a constant struggle of not slipping back into that damn hole.

Many people don't understand that part of grief. That it often rears it's ugly head, out of nowhere & finds you. It has your number, it knows your address, its inserted a tracker in your heart & will find you. Time nor distance won't be factor. No matter how far you run....or how many days, months, years may pass....it will find you.

It becomes your old friend.

**********

I will tell you also, my sweet girl that it is possible to slowly heal even with grief following behind you like a dark shadow. With time, you learn things. You read things, you meet people. People who have or are going through the same thing you are. You grow. Yes, your grief grows too. The pain doesn't go away or lessen...you just learn to live with it.

Some can say "only six months"....some can say "already 6 months". To me, 6 months have felt like 600 years...6 lifetimes. But still, like it happened yesterday.

Although God still hasn't given me answers to those questions, that I still ask today. I've come up with a possible few answers of my own.

 "How could you do this to me?"
He really didn't "do anything" to me. As much as I want to believe there was a reason, I've come to learn of many tragedies that happen in this world (specially involving children), without rhyme or reason. Not God's doing or undoing...just a part of life. It's just part of the beautiful yet cruel, fucked up world we live in. As much as I can't blame myself....I cannot blame Him either.

"How am I supposed to go on without my baby?"
As best I can, one day at a time. Not forgetting I have two other babies that need me. And I them, just as much. I'm supposed to live & go on honoring the life of my baby, wanting to make her proud. Imagining her waiting for me on the other side, with her arms wide open, ready for a big hug & kiss. I have to live, because I owe it to her, to myself & my other babies. But when the day comes and it's my turn, it shouldn't be a day of sadness. It will be a day of peace & happiness.

On the days when grief threatens & I can manage to shoo it away, I do so with these thoughts:

My baby hasn't gone. Just her body, but not her soul. Part of her soul lies within me. She breathes my air, feels what I feel, sees what I see, reads my thoughts, shares my joys & sorrows...sharing the same heartbeat. These letters remind me of this, my angel.

It also allows me to tell you all the things I want to tell you.

All those things that I've already told you,
Time & time again.
That I still and will always miss you.
There will be good days and bad.
My love for you is eternal.

These days, I try and not ask Him why....I just ask that he take care of you.
At least until I get there...
I ask for strength for all of us.
As much as he can give us, my mouse.

Because I will never do good in the darkness. It's not the place for me. Or any of us...

It's in the light that I can see your beautiful face. Your sweet smile. Your wavy brown mermaid hair blowing in the wind...those beautiful brown eyes with the long eyelashes...

It's in the light that we will meet.

It's in the light...where you will also see your mommy truly happy again.

Until I see you again, my sweet angel.

I love you with all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

T1D :(

 

This disease is what took our Hailey away almost 6 months ago. Please be aware of the symptoms & pass along. Save a life & spread awareness. 💜💔

‪#‎haileysangels‬ ‪#‎t1d‬ ‪#‎awareness‬

 

Requires a medical diagnosis...
Symptoms include increased thirst, frequent urination, hunger, fatigue, and blurred vision.

 

People may experience:

Whole body: excessive thirst, fatigue, hunger, nausea, or sweating.

Urinary: bedwetting or excessive urination

Also common: blurred vision, fast heart rate, headache, sleepiness, vomiting, or weight loss.

https://www.facebook.com/letterstohailey

Every day

How?

My sweet girl,

I finally have a little time to write. The days continue to fly by & it's been busier than ever. I sometimes think it's better this way. It seems like the quieter slower days that allow time for more reflection as of lately are the hardest.

Mainly, because we don't have much good to reflect on. These last few weeks have been nothing but heartache. Our lives have once again have been turned upside down. Trying to stay positive & remain strong takes a lot of energy & effort. It leaves us drained. So when we're not busy with work or school, we're trying to catch up on lost sleep. Taking naps, mental breaks & looking for ways of distraction from our current situation.

I've been trying to pick up extra hours at work when I can. We've gone out to dinner a couple of times with friends (Christina, Cecilia & the kids), had a girls sleepover with them too, movies, fall festivals, Bella's soccer...good, fun, positive things that keeps us out of the land of miserable.

Of course we think of you while we're doing all these things. At the sleepover, I was imagining you wearing your mud mask & doing a make-over on Anna, Ava, Bella or me. At the festival, Bella said she missed you. She misses her partner in crime. But it helped to be around my friends & the kids. New memories & adventures but always including you when we can.

The only thing I bought for myself that day, was a pretty little brown haired ceramic mermaid with a blue tail (they didn't have purple), that I placed on your dresser next to the other knick knacks I've bought and started to collect for you. They are just souvenirs for the many times your presence was felt in the places we've been.

There are many souvenirs so far, my little mermaid.

**********

One thing we haven't been doing much of is keeping in contact with family. We've missed a couple of birthday parties in the last couple of weeks. I haven't been able to pick up the phone to talk to anybody. Besides my usual rescuers (you know who they are), I haven't been able to bring myself to reach out to anyone. I've preferred to stay hidden, wallowing in my own self pity. :(

But it was only temporary, my sweet angel. Yesterday, Alina came over & I updated her on everything that's been going on. Of course she was as shocked & saddened as everyone else. She, like so many have offered to help. Asking what can they do.....how can they help? I wish I knew.

I wish I knew the answer, so I would then know what to tell them. But very like me, if I had the vaguest idea....I would then probably just do it myself. It's not that I don't like or appreciate any help, or that I'm too proud, my mouse. I just don't know how to ask for it. How do I distribute the weight on my shoulders that I am so regularly accustomed to carrying?

It's not a matter of won't or can't.....it's just a matter of how?

But I do so much appreciate all the love & concern they have shown. Sometimes I feel their frustration when they ask how can they help & I don't have an answer. I try to let them know I'm thankful & reassure them that I will not hesitate if & when the time comes. I try to tell them that just being there, means so much. Like how Alina came over after a long day at work, going home to cook for her babies, then staying late just to hear me talk, cry & hug me when I needed one.

How my brother and Zuli said they are just a phone call away & if needed they'd be in the car & on their way over...all the way from Tennessee. All I have to do is say the word. Auntie, Papi, Ayde, my friends & extended family too...

I wish they could understand how much of their love inspires the strength in me. And how much more valuable to me that is, at a time when I need it the most...than anything in this world.

It convinces me that we can go on. That we can overcome. So much so....

that the HOW doesn't seem as important anymore.

The simple answer becomes; with love.

Because if you have love, my baby girl, than you have everything.

As they say: Rich in love.

We have it. You also have it. The tons of love from your mommy & sisters & so many others....

That will never fade. It will never pass.

It will live forever & ever, in our hearts.

It will be enough to get us by, until we see you again.

We will never let go of that love, my mouse. Because it will one day lead us back to you.

Always remember that, how much we love you. And I know you love us...

To the moon, up to heaven, around the universe & back.

Forever, your mommy

Again

My beautiful baby girl,

It's late, I'm tired & I have to be up early for work tomorrow so I can't write much. I just wanted to let you know how much we miss you. Always thinking of you...

I can't stop wishing to hold you just once more. I have to accept that it's not possible right now, but the day I do once more, I will never again have to let you go.

Good things and bad things are happening all at once. I'm worried, scared, disappointed, hurt, relieved & numb all at once. I just keep looking for your signs to guide me. To show me the right way. Today might of decided our future, for your sisters & I. A future of uncertainty...

It keeps me up at night worrying. I've have been down this road before however, stupidly & have made it to the other side. So I know the way. I'm not completely blinded. I'm even more equipped than the last time you could say, at least with more experience.

But it doesn't hurt any less. In fact it hurts more because it's the worst timing ever. Right after losing you. Right when I feel my weakest, my most vulnerable...

I'm writing this to let you know that it's going to be alright. To write you these words, to tell your sisters too makes me believe it. It reassures me that it has to be true. And I feel better.

I love you my sweet angel. You've always been my light, my strength, my sunshine. Just as you are now. Just as your sisters are, keeping me grounded & strong. I refuse to give up.

Sweet dreams my mouse.

Say a little prayer for us.

Forever, your mommy <3

~

Missing you

Hailey,

I missed you today. I miss you now. I will miss you always.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Love, mommy <3

Fall

My dear sweet Hailey,

The rain finally stopped & the trees have started turning colors. It's actually starting to feel like Fall now. Bella wanted to start decorating for Halloween right away. We know it's your favorite holiday, next to Christmas. She said you would both talk about it in bed at night, with excitement about decorating and "buying more stuff over the years to make it look scarier." :)

We started but not done yet (it took us a while to find the boxes). We still have to get the cotton for the cobwebs (that you helped me with last year) & put up the orange lights. Last year you were so proud & happy with the results, you took a picture for your Instagram.


Your pic you posted last year.

Your sister of course, still also wants to get "scarier stuff" to decorate with. We'll probably carve some pumpkins too, like we do every year....

The weeks, they go buy so fast my pumpkin. It's not the same without you here. But we are making the best of it.

While shopping in the aisles, my mind goes from..."Oh this is cute for the house. This is cute for the grave"...it's still unbelievable to me in so many ways. But it's our reality. We continue, keeping you alive in our hearts.

You are always, always on our mind.

Which is why we also decorated your little spot there in the gardens. We noticed some of the other spots with updated plastic Fall flowers. I was never a big fan of plastic flowers, but we found the prettiest ones. Hand picked & arranged by us, just for you.

 













  








The grass is finally starting to grow. The final draft for your plaque was approved & submitted yesterday. The lady said it will take another couple of weeks before they get a delivery date & probably another couple before installation. We've been patient, my baby girl. Time is all we have. But I'd like it to be done before Winter...

Final draft.

I think it came out nicely. I hope you like it. There were some other issues I had with it as of yesterday before I signed for final approval....but I decided- we (all of us) decided to go ahead with it. We don't want to delay it any longer.

In the end....it's about you my mouse. It's you & the loves of your lives, as Auntie Zulen put it. The truth be told....

No matter what, you will always & forever be, our precious angel.

***************

We got a nice surprise from Zulen, Mikey & Joshua too, just for you my beautiful girl. It will be a nice addition to the plaque. I know you will love it, but will wait to show you until it's ready. It's beautiful & perfect, like you. :)

There is so much more I could write to you about my sweet girl, but I will stop for now. It's been an exhausting couple of weeks. More emotionally than anything else. I'm completely done. I just can't allow any more pain to seep into my heart. It can't take anymore.

I've learned that a grieving heart has only room for one.

For the second time in 5 months, I've learned to let go of something/someone I love so dearly.

I've learned that it is possible, to still love & let go....

It's something no one should have to learn, by any means. But here I am, not by choice...

But I'm still standing, my angel. And I know it's because of you & your sisters.

Today I finally felt a sense of peace & chose to enjoy it while I could. While I can...so I don't want to ruin it now, for either of us.

I love & miss you Hailey.

Forever our precious angel.

Forever, your mommy. <3

Little pumpkin

4 years old taken at daycare. We didn't know it was picture day, but
you still looked adorable. Always with that sweet smile. <3

 
We love and miss you always, our sweet little pumpkin. Always in our hearts. <3

Little duck feet

My little duck, 

One little secret that only a few knew or noticed: you were slightly pigoen toed. :)

I noticed it when you first started walking & it was just barely noticeable. The doctor said we'd keep an eye on it as you grew, but since it wasn't severe and wasn't causing you any problems (like you tripping or falling) it was too early for any treatment. Her only suggestion was to try and just have you wear your shoes on the opposite feet for a while. She said your bones were still soft & developing & that would probably do the trick.

But that never worked because you noticed the very first time, that your shoes were on backwards. You immediately sat down & took them off, putting them back on the right feet. I'd say, "Hailey put your shoes back on the way I had them!" You'd say, "No mommy they're on the wrong way!" (That was the Taurus in you, stubborn as a bull). 

Eventually I gave up trying and we never saw the specialist. It just turned into one of your little adorable quirks. One of those lovable idiosyncrasies that we all have that make us; us. Unique in our own special way...

 We'd have to replace shoes quickly because they'd always be worn faster on one side than the other. Maybe that's what started your love for shoes. :) I would worry that eventually it would cause joint problems because I had read an article of future leg & hip misalignment problems...

But for the time being it was just one of your cute little features that only we knew about. I used to call you "my little duck", but only to myself, as to not give you a complex. You girls were always sensitive with that kind of stuff. :)

I love you my little duck feet. I share this only because it's something I'd like to pass on. A memory of you to share, in case your sisters forget one day long from now, when they find these letters.

I hope you don't mind. Don't forget that I haven't forgotten a single detail about you. And I don't want to forget.

I'm your mommy after all.

And always will be.

My beautiful angel.

My cute little duck feet. <3

October & Tennessee

Dear Hailey,

The start of this month has brought us much rain, with more to come this weekend. It went from rainy warm humid days to cold gloomy rainy days & nights.

This time this year we would of been planning our annual Fall trip to Tennessee to see Uncle Mikey, Zulen & Joshua. We discovered after a couple of visits between Summer & Fall, that the best time to visit is mid-October, when the autumn colored trees along interstate 81 are at their peak; blazing different shades of bright reds, yellows & oranges. With beautiful scenic views for miles of mountains, hills, valleys & farm lands...and those trees!

It was our absolute favorite road trip to make every year. We didn't even mind the 10 + hour drive because our excitement to see them would last the whole trip through. You'd spend the first couple of hours pointing out the all cows & horsies in the pastures along the way. Then you'd get right to your activity bag & snacks & patiently sit & play with your sisters. We'd break up the drive mid-trip sometimes (when mommy's old back was acting up) & stay in the Econo Lodge there by Virginia Tech.

That was our place to stop, until the year before last, when we saw roaches in the room & drove another 2 hours in the middle of the night, with Papi following to find another hotel...then Abuelita thought she left her purse in the one of the bathroom rest stops- realizing a few miles after we left the rest stop. :) Such good memories, my mouse.

You girls looked forward to it every year. We all did. Daddy even went for the first time last year...

Now things are so different. Besides the fact that I have no vacation time left for any trips right now...I don't know if we would of been able to go without you. I just imagine you & your sisters packing days before the trip in excitement; your activity bags & snacks, your beloved 'pillow sheet' for the car ride...the look of happiness & anticipation in your face...and it breaks my heart.

How you would go straight to Joshua & be his mommy for the next few days. Playing with Max & Sansa & fighting with Bella about who's turn it was to walk them. Then, crying your eyes out when it was time to leave. Crying all the way home & even days after....Bella of course would copy you & cry too. Needless to say, the ride back home was much different.

I would say, "Hailey, honey, don't be sad & think about the fact that we're leaving. Be happy & think about the time we spent together, be glad that we got to see them."

Isn't it ironic honey? I think about that...pertaining to you. I shouldn't be sad & think about the fact that you left. I should be happy about all the time we got to spend with you, the fact that you were part of our lives & that I was, still am, & always will be... your mommy.

I will try, I promise to try to remember this. Even though as much as I try sometimes....I can't stop myself from crying either my sweet girl. I remember you & your sister, a clear memory of you both clinging to Uncle Mikey in his driveway, crying & not wanting to let go....

That is how I feel all the time about you. I don't ever want to let go...

I love you so much my sweet girl.

I hope that next year we can make the trip & make more memories. I know you will be with us. In the cool fall breeze, among the beautiful autumn trees....across the mountain tops & skies of blue.

I know you will be by your sisters in the car too, drawing, reading or playing on your Nintendo DS, sleeping with your pillow sheet, counting down the hours to Uncle Mikey's house....


We miss you so much our angel.

Love you, forever & ever,

Your mommy

~Happy Memories~

First trip at a rest stop



The year Joshua was born.

 

Another rest stop by the mountains

Family road trip.

Downtown Chattanooga

The year we got Joshua Thomas the Train tracks :)

 

Favorite playground

  

 
 
 

Last year- Ruby Falls, TN.

Ruby Falls, under purple lights.