~

Still beating

My Dear Hailey,

Another month is ending. I can't believe it'll be December in just a couple of days...

It's been warmer than usual for this time of year. Today was a rainy dreary day. It's true what they say about the weather affecting people's moods. I'm dreading winter. I'm dreading the long cold dreary winter days, without you.

Of course all the Christmas stuff is out. Black Friday passed- Thanksgiving passed. I was dreading it too, but we managed to not only survive it but had a nice time with the family. One of the things to be thankful for this time of year- family. They get it & they care. Although we didn't make any promises or plans for Turkey Day, I knew it would be better to be around them. Instead of alone, at home, dwelling on the fact that you aren't physically here with us.

I made a conscious decision to stay busy that day, so I was up early making breakfast & also put the turkey in the oven. Then worked on the sides. It turned out great because Auntie came over just in time for lunch, when everything was ready. She brought flowers & food too, to brighten our day. :) Then for dinner we went to Papi's and feasted once again. It was nice but sad too, my mouse.

I guess that's why holidays are hard for many. It's a time for reflection, not only for all the blessings we have, but those we've lost too. Missing those who can't be with us. Missing what was & longing for what we wished could be.

We missed you especially baby girl. We went to visit you at the gardens & dropped off some pretty flowers, like we always do. Fall colored ones this time. Your sisters & I have said, we're always going to make sure your spot is the prettiest.

Never forgotten...

******

What made things harder was that the day before Thanksgiving, we dropped Daddy off at a rehab facility almost two hours away. After being hospitalized for the third time in a couple months, he's finally going to get the care he needs. Real professional help, instead of the in & out ER visits, or the 2-3 day stays that only help him so much...I can't believe it's taken him almost losing his life, to finally seek help for himself & for those doctors to realize they were dealing with a much more serious case with him.

I know I haven't written much about him, my sweet girl. It's because it hurts to talk about. And partly because I know you can see from where you are, what's been going on. Because I know you & God must hear all our prayers. All the prayers from everybody that's been living the nightmare with us, these last few months.

When the last doctor who treated Daddy in the hospital said to him, "There is one bed that just became available at the treatment center. It's all yours. You must have someone looking out after you...."

We all knew it was you.

So we didn't have much of a choice to drive him there the same day & drop him off. It was either that, or lose the bed. Lose the help he needs to survive his disease...mostly likely lose his life.

It wasn't easy for us, my mouse. I know you know. I hadn't seen him in weeks. Kept limited contact, mostly through texts. But even in the texts, I could see the decline. Even with the help of Grandma & Pop Pop- it wasn't enough. Daddy needed the help none of us could give him & this time, he had to look for it & accept it for himself. At the end, he was begging for it.

It's heartbreaking baby girl. For all of us, that care about him. To feel helpless. But sometimes in order to really help someone, you have to let go. That is finally what we all did. We had to...

Like I read in a quote around the same time this was all happening:

 

At least he's in a place where he can get some real help. We're proud & happy for him. He wasn't dragged or forced this time. I may have dropped him off, but it's only because he couldn't drive himself. Even to get there, he took the first step in taking a taxi to the hospital that referred him to begin with. It's too soon to know if it'll work or not. But it's a start.

So we continue to pray. To push on. What else could we do?

I know some days I feel I don't want to, or have it in me to. Sure, I've cried. Sure, my heart is broken. I'm broken. But I still work; meaning my heart & mind. At least, my heart still beats. My mind still functions. I will continue to push on, until that isn't the case anymore...

Life is hard, my angel. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what the point is. If all our trails & tribulations are to make us stronger....why is this needed? If heaven is as beautiful & peaceful as they say? Why do we need all this armor to enter it? Why the battle scars?

I wish I knew.
But I do know one thing,
This is how I know you're truly an angel.
Angels don't have scars.
Angels don't need armor.
They are just sweet & beautiful beings,
Like you.

Your spirit guiding us, keeping us strong.

I love & miss you my sweet angel.

Every single day. For the rest of my life.

Forever, your mommy

 

 

~

~

From Compassionate Friends

Justice

My little girl,

I started my new schedule this week. It'll take a while to get used to, but I'll write when I can. Wish it was more often. But now I'll have less time. I'll just have to get another routine down..

Thanksgiving is in a couple of days. It won't be the same without you. I'm trying not to get worked up about it. Truth is, I can try all I want but I can already feel the wave of sadness coming....

This showed up on my FB memories the other day:

My cute pilgrim.

I remember that day. This was in Victory, your first school. This is Sophia, who was in your class & one of your good friends. The sister of Kayla's best friend at the time, Stephanie. They kind of lost touch after a while...oh how time flies.

Bella was a turkey one year too. I loved going to see all your plays, all your performances.... again thank goodness I took all those pics. I was one of those cheesy moms holding up the camera filming & flashing like paparazzi, but I didn't care. Now I'm so glad I did. I will hold on to the memories forever.

*****

I didn't want to let another day pass without writing about Friday. This is what I posted on your page:

It really went great, my beautiful girl. I know you know...

Hopefully this is the first step to other great things to come. I was hoping to of done much more by now, my girl. To be more of an advocate, to be more of a voice, to do more to keep your memory alive...but the reality is I'm lucky to have made it even this far. To be still standing...to have loosened the grips of grief enough to be able to just breath again...

But then again, some people have commented of how amazing I am or ask how? Or even why? I don't always see what they see I guess, or know how. But then I think- only because of family & friends have I made it this far. Only because I feel such a passion for kicking this disease in the ass that I feel the need to spread awareness.

For justice. For you.

Because it's this disease that stole you from me. It's because of this damn disease, that you are gone. The reason I can't hold you anymore. Or watch you grow up....all of that, is gone now. And I will never be ok with it baby girl. This is why I will continue to fight it, until the day I die.

And had you been stolen from me in another kind of way, like many other parents have; car accidents, other illnesses, murders, kidnappings, suicides... I would of sought & fought for justice then too. Just like so many other parents out there do.

Only a parent who's lost a child understands the rage we feel inside. The fire that burns within... made up of anger, sadness, devastation, regret, guilt & helplessness that comes from our loss.

A fire that needs to be extinguished somehow...

We don't all get to choose our methods of extinguishing that fire. Sometimes it chooses us.

I guess I chose to fight. I choose love and life. I will use it to do something good. I will do it for me, for you & your sisters.

I couldn't save you my mouse. :(

So this is the next best thing I can do.

Fight for some justice in a world so unjust.
Fight for awareness for those unaware, like me.
Fight for love and peace in a world of hate.

Fight for you...my angel. Who stood for everything good.
This is your legacy.
I will make sure it gets passed on.

I love & miss you so much.

Forever,
Your mommy

I love you mouse. Goodnight, sweet dreams.

~

7 months

My angel,

I'm writing this letter now, because the next few days will be busy. It's Sissy's birthday weekend & we will be starting to celebrate tomorrow with her friends. She said earlier today, that she just realized her party tomorrow is on your 7 month anniversary. :(

I told her I knew when she first planned it, but I didn't want to ruin it for her by even mentioning it. And that it still shouldn't ruin it for her. I know you would want her to go ahead & have fun. Then she remembered how last year she wanted Victoria Secret underwear for her b-day (because that's what all the girls wear). You said, "Don't worry sissy, I'll convince Mommy. I'll make sure you get some." Then even though you never told her what I bought, you were so excited that she already knew I ended up folding & buying her some (only the cotton kind.) lol

You always managed to convince me somehow. We were laughing just picturing you & your funny expressions & sassiness. It's always nice to talk about you with your sisters, my girl. There are so many memories. We talk & reminisce & laugh & smile....but most important we keep your memory alive. You're always with us.

*********

Another thing that we didn't plan on, but will be doing tomorrow, is passing out some awareness flyers in Bella's class. I got permission from the principle & Bella's teacher first, ordered the awareness bracelets, had the flyers printed & they just came in the mail today. I happen to be off tomorrow...it was meant to be. :)

Bella helped me make them while Sissy was busy studying. They turned out great baby girl. Bella is so excited. I told her I know you are so proud of her. I asked her too before I did anything how she felt about the idea. She thought it through before answering, "Ok Mommy, but I want you there with me." Of course...of course I will be there. I need her to be there too...

So here they are.

Hailey's Angels on one side. Type 1 Diabetes awareness on the other.

I would say, I hope you like them. But I know you do. Realizing we'd be passing them out on your 7th month anniversary did get me emotional this morning. I started to doubt if it was a good idea...I was picturing myself breaking down at even the mention of it, in front of the whole class. :(

But when your sisters came home from school & saw the bracelets & flyers, they said "Oh, just in time for Hailey's anniversary. That's good Mommy." So I thought...maybe they're right. In honor of you, on your 7 month "anniversary".....(we decided we don't really like that word. I suggested "angelversary" because that what the other moms in the bereaved group use. Bella said it sounds a little better)

I know it may not seem like much, mouse. But it's a big step for us. We don't just do it for you & to save others....we do it for us too. It's healing in a way I can't really explain. I've seen it explained in pamphlets, books & articles about grieving, but I just can't quite explain it in my own way.

Maybe it's the feeling of sheer goodness to be doing something good. Or the pride in knowing it's not only for a good cause but it's your name, your honor; our Hailey. And we want the world to know. We don't want them to forget..

Maybe it's also the anxiety of picturing another mother losing her child to this horrible disease and wanting to reach her, before it's too late. Wanting to save her & her dying baby...:(

Or maybe it's the tremendous relief I feel in knowing I'm making myself useful & not buried in deep depression somewhere. In knowing that even though I once thought about giving up, I fought to survive. I find reasons to still fight....we all do. And as long as we find reasons, we'll be ok.

Maybe this represents all of that?

I don't know my sweet girl.

There are so many reasons. Or put much simpler, the way Bella said as we were putting the flyers together, "Mommy this feels good. I like doing these crafts. Even though I'm not good at it, I like doing this with you. It keeps my mind off other stuff." I know what "other stuff" she's talking about..

And I responded, "Yes you are Bella. You are good at crafts. You are good at many things." She looked at me & smiled. "Only with instructions." :)

Wish us luck tomorrow baby girl.
I know you will be with us, by our side.
At school & with Sissy.

I will think of your message all day to keep me from breaking down.
I will think of you, my one & only sweet Hailey mouse.

I love & miss you.
Forever, your mommy. <3

The message pt 2

My beautiful girl,

I woke up missing you more than usual today. It made me not want to go to work or not do much of anything. After your sisters went to school, I found myself in your room holding your purple North Face jacket to my face, smelling your sweet scent on it's collar...

I just miss you so much sometimes it hurts. So, I reach for what is near, something familiar, something that is you. I cried, spoke to you & God and tried to remember the message that you sent Grandma's niece last week.

The message that you are ok.

*********

So when I finally spoke to Grandma last week (it had been a little while), she mentioned that her niece Loni had just left. She had come to tell her in person, that she just came back from a 'spiritual retreat' somewhere. That she was there with a group of people, most of them strangers, who were there to share similar 'spiritual experiences.' That Loni had experienced "something" when she was a child that she never forgot about & got curious as an adult & joined this group of others who shared similar experiences.

Loni told Grandma that during one of the times this group was together, talking or sharing stories....an older man randomly stood up and asked said out loud:

"There is somebody here...there is a spirit here around us. Does anybody know someone named Hailey?"

Aunt Loni said she stood up and answered "Yes, I do!"

Then the man said, "She has a message, but it's not for you. It's to give to her family, who she's been trying to reach with this message for a while. She wants her family to know she is okay & for them not to worry. She sends a symbol of a red rose to show her love for them."

My mouse, if you really did send this message & you've been watching all along, then you already know the tears started pouring down my face when I heard Grandma tell me these words....

I was speechless...but my inner soul was smiling.

Grandma said, "I don't know if you if you believe in that kind of stuff. But I wanted to let you know. Loni came all the way over here to tell me in person, and asked that I tell you."

I told her I did. I do....because I know you've been trying to send me messages all along.

As far as I know, Loni doesn't know about this blog, doesn't have FB or knows anything about your page...

A red rose?? Only you would know about a red rose. Because you know how much I love roses. So much, that Sissy's middle name is Rose.

I even thought about the red rose that was on the front of the invitation the church sent for the mass of remembrance...during which I prayed & cried after hearing your name called out.

I told your sisters & I told Papi so far. I haven't had a chance to tell anyone else. It warmed my heart, my baby girl. They were shocked too. There is no reason Loni would lie or exaggerate. I do believe that you are ok, in my heart I know that's true.

What experience did Aunt Loni have as a child? Where was this retreat? Who was this man? I don't know baby. I was so much in shock at the time, I didn't think to ask. Maybe Grandma herself doesn't know...but you somehow found him. Somehow, you delivered your message.

I hope that if I ever see or talk to Aunt Loni again, I can ask her myself. For now, I just thank her for passing along your message.

I thank you for trying to find a way to let us know. I was able to go to work after all. I was able to survive another day without you. Even though I couldn't shake the lingering feeling of sadness & longing- I still smiled thinking of you.

My beautiful angel.
Flying high in that blue heavenly sky...
Giggling like you used to.
Causing mischief with your angel friends.

Thank you my angel.
My love for you will never fade away,
It will remain forever in my heart.
Our memories forever in my mind.

Until I see you again,
Forever your mommy <3

~

World Diabetes Day

Today is World Diabetes Day ‪#‎WDD‬, and I couldn't let it pass without once again sharing our loss of our beautiful girl to this terrible disease. I wish I knew then what I know now. Please educate yourself on the warning signs of ‪#‎T1D‬ Type 1 Diabetes. We fight for awareness and a cure. We fight for all the angels lost & the ones still battling. Please like or share to spread awareness, & save a life. ‪#‎haileysangels‬ ‪#‎diabetes‬ ‪#‎awareness‬

https://www.facebook.com/letterstohailey/

Scare

My dear Hailey,

It's just me at home this morning, writing you this letter. Your sisters are at school. They woke up feeling glad it's Friday. These last couple of weeks have felt long for all us.

I had a scare yesterday when I logged on & saw that all the pictures I posted on your blog were "restricted" & not displaying correctly. I was sad thinking about all the time I spent dedicating myself to your letters; not wasted, but ruined because of a some stupid computer glitch. :(

Thankfully Sissy helped me figure out that it was all because of a setting I changed a couple days ago, so we fixed it. I was SO relieved!

So, I started to print out all the entries starting from the very beginning...I had started to do this months ago, but never finished. One of my many unfinished "projects". :( I got a binder, a real pretty blue floral one, page protectors for the sentimental pictures, dividers with pretty cool designs on them...they all have a touch of you on them. :)

What happened made me realize that trusting on the good ole' internet to keep these letters safe, isn't really a good idea. As I was troubleshooting I learned that many things can happen; hackers, glitches, etc. Anyway baby, I ran out of ink last night but will buy some more today. I'll make sure to finish printing them all this time & print as I go.

I pour out my heart on these letters. They are unpolished, sometimes raw, but always truthful. No apologies. I sometimes read them out loud & imagine you sitting next to me. They say spirits can often read minds, so I read them to myself too. I do it for myself, because it's very therapeutic for me. I do it for you, to keep your memory alive. I do it for others who may relate to we're going through. I do it for awareness, so no other family has to go through, what we've been through. Even it reaches just one person....that is good enough.

I also do it for your sisters. One day, long from now....it will be added to my collection of journals & other writings. For your sisters to read, if they care to. A keepsake...a collection of memories. An explanation of me, my heart, my mind & soul. It's the best gift I leave behind; a part of me. I hope they will see it as that, at least. More valuable than money or material things. At least, that's what it means to me.

Even if they don't agree.
Even they don't see eye to eye.
I hope they can at least understand.
We are bound together always,
Blood, heart & soul.
And love.
The most valuable of them all....

I love you & your sisters,
Always & forever.
Your mommy <3

Last dance

My sweet girl,

Your sisters & I took a walk today & noticed how the days are getting colder & shorter. We noticed how the strong winds of the last couple of days have blown the leaves off most of the trees. It's starting to look more wintery & less fallish... :(

This is what I saw & thought of as we walked:

The last dance..

It's sad but pretty to watch the leaves floating off their branches.
In their final good-bye,
They're ballroom dancing
Swirling
Lovingly around one another.

Floating & dancing
In the cool breeze.

Before their final breath
As they dance their last dance

In the rustling of their leaves
They whisper, "I love you".

"I lived a beautiful life.
I may be going now
But I'll back
In another life
Another tree
So please, don't fret for me..."

Gently they fall
In their last dance
Humming the tune of love.

Finally settling,
Finally resting,
On the good green Earth.

Another season gone
But the cycle of life
Goes on & on.

**************

You are always teaching me, even from heaven I know you're trying to show me...

I always feel like you are talking to me, so I try to be still & listen.

I love & miss you so much.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

Message

My sweet girl,

I'm really tired. Just a short note to tell you that I love you and that I talked to grandmom last night & I got the message you sent through her niece Loni. I'll write more about it later. Just wanted to tell you I do believe you sent her the message, asking her to let us know you are okay. :)

As always, you send us signs & messages when we need it the most. After that dream I had the other night, I did need a sign to know your are okay.

Thank you....even though I'll never stop missing you, it gives me peace & fills my heart knowing you are in a better place, yet close to us at the same time.

Goodnight my angel.

Love you to the moon and back,
And I know you love us too.

Forever, your mommy <3

~

2nd grade <3

Dreams

 

Good morning sweet angel,

 

It's a rainy sleepy Saturday morning. Just sitting here thinking of you. We just had cheese omelets & turkey bacon, your favorite. Bella helped me make them & we ate while Sissy was sleeping. Seems like it's becoming a new Saturday tradition. Bella & I are the first ones up, but we all actually slept in late today, must be the rain.

 

I don't know if you heard me telling Bella about my dream(s) last night. You were in one of them. I don't know if it's because I was already thinking of you before I fell asleep. We saw one of your favorite movies last night- Just Go With It. Of course, it reminded us of you. You'd watched it on repeat & knew every word, every accent. You even made me buy it for you. It's one of those movies you can watch over & over (and you did) & it's just as funny each time. :)

 

 

***********

I held you in my dreams last night. We were in a crowded pool & everyone was scattered. It was an indoor pool, but one of those big wave pools they have in amusement parks. I remember being around a large group of people (some of who I knew, maybe co-workers?) & talking to them until all of a sudden a fight broke out next to us. Daddy appeared & I asked him to find you girls, so we could leave.

That's when I saw you from across the pool. Alone, small & scared, hugging yourself & looking right at me. I struggled my way to you. You didn't say anything to me, just looked at me with those sad beautiful brown eyes. I picked you up & cradled you like a baby. You had your hair in a ponytail but I don't remember you being in a bathing suit.

I just remember having you in my arms & struggling to find a way out. Daddy & your sisters were following us. We walked alongside of the pool, trying to find an exit. The pool was big & it seemed to have different parts & depths. We reached the deepest part where people were actually in there snorkeling! And we saw a huge sea turtle!

Finally we found the exit that lead us to some kind of maze. It was cold & cloudy...almost like walking into a fridge, where the doors & walk ways were made out of metal. Then I woke to use the bathroom. I still was sleepy & remembered my dream. Remembered you...

I went back to sleep & immediately had a different dream, in an unknown house with most of the family there. I remember telling Ayde about the dream I just had...a dream within a dream...and she said we needed to talk to you. She asked to find a candle, so we could "talk" to you. I looked frantically for a candle...at one point I remember even finding a big purple one. But I was hesitant. Like I didn't think it was a good idea. Like it wouldn't be a good idea to disturb you... :(

Somehow we got distracted with the kids & Tio B being hungry & went to make food. Maybe using that as an excuse to leave the idea of the candle & the séance alone...I don't know honey. What a strange dream. But then again, I always have strange dreams but never write them down.

I never really try to analyze them either. I just remember the frightened look in your eyes & having your small body in my arms, cradling you like a baby..... :(

I know it was just a dream, and you are ok. I hope....I hope you are in the heaven we all imagine, a place of paradise & peace. I hope you aren't sad my sweet girl. I know if you are with God that would be impossible.

I pray there is no meaning to the dream. I pray that the next time I see you, it will be your happy smiling self. Like this picture that Papi posted last night on Facebook:

Taken at Hershey Park a couple of summers ago. My
sweet mouse, we love you.

We love you Hailey.
We remember you like this always.
Smiling sweetly & laughing...

Like last night,
Remembering you cracking up at your favorite parts of the movie.
Watching TV in your yoga poses.
(because you could never just sit normally to watch TV & it always reminded me of Dana & her yoga poses. :)

We miss you baby girl,
Every single day. It's hard not being able to hold you...the real you. The healthy happy girl we all remember...

I hope you can make it to Bella's game today. It's her last game. Hope it stops raining by then.

I will look for you in the sky, in the breeze, in the soft tricking of the rain.

I will look for you always.

Love you forever,
Forever, your mommy.

Mass

My beautiful girl,

Tonight we went to mass at Holy Trinity, the same church we held your service at. It was a mass of remembrance for you & all the other beautiful souls that have passed on this year...so many names & the year isn't even over yet. We got the invitation in the mail last week & I knew we had to go.





It was a nice mass. The girls & I liked the first pastor, who spoke more from the heart rather than just reading from the bible.

He talked about us being humans after all & how suffering is normal after losing someone we love, but how we have to be careful about not "getting stuck in sadness".

 He talked about healing & praying...for you & ourselves too.    

When I pray, I do always pray for all of us. I always ask God that he take care of you until I get there.

I pray that he give us strength to get through this...to heal.


No matter what my beliefs or battles have been with God....I still pray.

Because deep down, I do believe.

I have to belief, in something good in order to go on. We all do.

This is the second mass we've attended. The first one was over the summer. It was at All Saints in Manassas. It was set up by my doctor's nurse- who happened to see me on the day I went to get checked for my anxiety attacks. With a lot of concern she asked, "Is there anything I can do for you? On a personal level?" I said I didn't know. She asked for your name & wrote it on a piece of paper. Weeks later I got this in the mail & we went:

 

I'm glad we went to that mass too, my angel. We needed it. It was uplifting & it helped us understand a little better, that you are in a better place now. How one day we will see you again...how I'm not the only one who believes it. How I don't just believe it because it's written in a book somewhere. I believe it, because I can truly feel it's truth from the bottom of my heart. From that bond that ties us forever as mother & daughter. <3

I have saved every card we received since you passed. I didn't pack them away...they're in a drawer in the living room so that at any given time, if we need some more uplifting...we could read through them. All the heartfelt well wishes, and among them these too:

 

 

See how many teams of people we had praying for you? For us? And still are...my mouse.

It touched my heart then & it still does now. To realize there are still good people in this world.

To know they care...

That despite different beliefs & faiths, the good side of humanity exists & it speaks the same language of hope & healing.

I realized this getting these in the mail. I realized this at your service, at the first mass & again during tonight's' mass.

It's a message we need to hear over & over. Again & again, because it's our only weapon to fight off that devastating grief.

When they called your name tonight among the others who passed, my heart sank. I gripped Bella's hand harder. The tears started flowing against my will.

Who would of ever thought....

Not me. Not her. Not Sissy. No one. :(

Of course it's still painful. I've learned the pain will always be there, even if in different forms.

Because we will always miss you & wish you physically here by our side.

So we'll have to do whatever it takes to sooth it. To remember the good. If it takes a hundred masses, we'll go to each one.

To remember the good & remain in the light is all the hope we have. Until we see you again...




Loving & missing you my Hailey.
I felt your presence tonight.
Even before mass.
When we went for a walk with the girls.
In almost 70 degree weather, as soon as I stepped outside,
I felt a distinct chill & the goose bumps rose on my arms.
As we walked & I was telling Sissy about it,
A cool breeze drifted through the trees,
Reached down & moved lightly through us.
I knew it was you.

Then you flew ahead of us to where Bella was,
Riding her bike...

I used to be afraid of letting you go too far away from me.
Even here on Earth.
But now I know I shouldn't be.
Because no matter how high you fly,
You'll always come back to me.

Fly high my sweet girl. Fly high. Don't be afraid.

One day I will reach you....& fly right beside you.

Sweet dreams for now.

Forever, your mommy. <3

~

November/Your sisters/Hangman

My sweet girl,

I can't believe November is here. I guess I feel this way at the start of every month. But this month is different, in that it is the start of all the holidays & birthdays. Usually, this time of year is hectic but happy. I'm trying to remain in the "happy" zone. Trying not to get too overwhelmed with everything. Trying not to make any solid plans for anything or with anyone...

I just can't predict how I'm (or we) going to feel or what's going to happen in the upcoming weeks. It's our first year without you...the first holiday season (and your favorite). I don't want to live in fear, waiting for the wave of grief to crush us. So we continue to keep busy. Hoping to maybe dodge it when it comes. But I've learned to never be unprepared in case it does. The question is- will it be debilitating? Or can we get through it, like we've been trying to do all this time?

Like that old saying goes: "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."

*********

Sissy is planning for her 15th birthday. She wasn't sure if she wanted to have a quinceñera this year or wait for her sweet 16th next year. With the timing of everything that's happened & the fact that we don't really do "quinceñeras" in our family, we've decided to save the big bash for next year.

Of course, that doesn't mean she doesn't want to do anything. She said because we've done the movie & pizza thing with her friends, for two years in a row now, she wants to do something "different". Ideas of shopping & lunch in Georgetown, or dinner at the National Harbor with her friends have been in the works for one day.

Then of course we'd have another party with just family. But since we can't fit our entire family in one house, we'd have to keep it rather small. Papi promised to make lasagna. To me, that would be birthday enough... But I have a feeling Sissy would like something a little more. :)

You know I've always tried to make your birthdays special & memorable. As much as I would love to do more, sometimes we have to be realistic & settle for what is doable. I'm sure everything will work out & Sissy will have fun either way. She deserves it.

I'm so proud of both your sisters, mouse. Despite all our hardship throughout these past months, they continue to prosper. Sissy is still working hard to keep her grades up. She still hangs out with her friends & has fun, but is also home to help with chores, watching Bella, etc. We still talk to each other about everything, she continues to not only be my beloved daughter, but my friend. Of course, we still have our disagreements, those "teenage moments" that happen more often than not...:) But nothing compared to how my mom & I were & were not at that age....

I just thank God she's a lot smarter than I ever was & pray she won't make the same mistakes. *knocking on hard solid wood* <3

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As for Bella, your fun-loving, funny & silly sister :)- we just went to her "student lead parent conference" today. Like you did for Mrs. Green's 4th grade class, remember? Like you did, she explained what she learns in class, showed me her projects, notebooks & writings she's been working on. Her teacher also gave me her grades, all A's & a B+ in Social Studies. She said Bella is an "old soul" and loves to have her in class. I could tell she genuinely meant it. I'm glad they get along...

I don't know if you're around when your sister walks around the house randomly singing, playing Club Penguin on the computer with Daniela & Natalia. Reading or watching TV cracking up laughing, begging us to play Hangman on the dry-erase board with her, making us laugh...giving this house life. I can't tell you how much she helps Sissy & I my mouse. She takes after you in that way, that she brings light in times of darkness.

I can remember the first week Daddy left & we were all pretty sad. The house felt even emptier....we were still trying to find our place, adjust to yet another new routine....

Watching TV in the living room, together...but not really talking. Not really together...Sissy on her phone, me probably on my phone too, watching TV but not really watching...each in our own heads.

Then all of a sudden Bella says in excitement, "Let's play Hangman!" She sits in the middle of the living room with her chair & board & starts to draw...choosing a five letter word.

She forced our attention to her, so we put our phones down. We start to play & then in amazement, all of a sudden we are laughing & having fun. She stumped us both with that five letter word so much, that our poor hangman was one eyeball away from being hanged. :)

Sissy finally guessed it; HELLO.

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That silly game of Hangman broke the ice, my beautiful girl. I know you were probably watching laughing & maybe even wishing you could play too. :( But no doubt you had a hand in helping break the thick layer of sadness that had us covered.

The fact that we were laughing & smiling again- was a big deal.

So, we've been playing it ever since. Even when I'm not in the mood sometimes...(because Bella doesn't like to give anyone else turns :) When she announces a new game, I drop what I'm doing & pay attention to her. And she's good at stumping us, even though Sissy's much better at guessing than I am. :)

So it seems, happiness can be found in such small things, baby girl. Who knew?

Laughter & good times were always a part of our lives too. It wasn't always pain & sadness. We have to always remember this, & try to make new memories doing the same. Laughing & having a good time. I have a feeling it's the only way we'll survive. And not just survive to live, my mouse....

But to actually really LIVE.....

And what right do we have, to live here on here on this Earth, when you can't?

I've asked myself this question many times. The only answer I came up with, is because we owe it to you. And ourselves...

You were & still are the definition of love, laughter & sunshine. It's what you taught us, in your short but full life.

So we owe it to you. To carry on your memory....

Remembering your sweetness, your craziness, your silliness & sassiness. All of it makes us smile, baby girl.

All those good things you left behind, will live through us.

We will live patiently, waiting to see you again.

We will live meaningfully, in honor you.

Instead of watching the days go by in sadness, we'll remember that it's just one more day closer, to seeing you again.

With those thoughts, I'll go to sleep now my angel.

As always, I hope to see you in my dreams.

As always, I love & miss you.

Always & forever,

Your mommy <3

~

We love you still and always will. <3