Always

My mouse,

Every time I start to doubt myself, I read or hear something that validates my feelings. It also lets me know I don't walk this path alone...

This is why I will never stop writing you. I won't ever forget you. I won't ever stop loving you...

You will always be my beautiful daughter and sweet angel...our mouse of the house. :)

I love & miss you so much.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy <3

FB Memory

Snow

My sweet Hailey,

I didn't get a chance to enjoy any snow days with your sisters yet. I was at work & sleeping at a hotel for the first 3 days & came back to your sister Bella being sick, on her 10th birthday. :(

It was a big storm; more than 30 inches! I can't remember us getting that much snow when you were here. In fact, according to the news it was "record breaking", so we probably didn't. Oh, how you loved the snow...

So much that you didn't even mind helping me shovel the driveway. You & Bella, would look for any reason to be out in it. You didn't mind one bit.

I thought so much about you my girl. All the memories of the years past flashed through my mind. I just remembered your smiling face, that beautiful smiling face.

Last year.

You didn't miss much though, my mouse. The snow turned into a blizzard on the second day & by the time all was said & done, it was piled up too high to play in, too soft yet to make a snowman or snow angels.

                                                            Not like the years past...

Winter Memories

But your sisters have been off school & they are enjoying that. Bella's feeling better too, so that's good. We'll be having her party at the bowling alley on Sunday. I can't believe she's already 10 years old my mouse. The same age you were. This thought, no matter how hard I've tried not to think about....stings me.

I have to just put it out of my head. I can't dwell on it or even share it, because I don't want them to either.

****
Sissy & I did manage to make Bella a cake & have her blow out her candles at least. I know you were there, looking over her shoulder. Listening to her wish...

                      I know you were there with us too on our trip. There was purple everywhere...

Cinderella Castle

Purple palms

We had fun baby girl; something I didn't know would be possible again.  Just to go away & see some place new, some palm trees & sunshine....Mickey & Minnie.. :)

Your sisters had fun too. It really warmed my heart to see them smile again. We got you some souvenirs too.

Seeing them smile again, gives me hope. And hope, is all we have to live on now, my angel.

It makes me forget, at least for a little while. I know that's what you would want too.

Hope is also this text I got from Sydney that made my day, that I will save forever...

It meant so much & it's so good to know, that even unintentionally I can help them in some way. It's a reminder too, how much we all love, miss & grieve for you...

Everyday, my sweet girl.

Hopefully, in the next snowfall we get, I'll take Bella out to go sledding, build a snowman, & make snow angels. We will look for you, like we always do.

Goodnight & Sweet dreams.

Love & miss you with all my heart,
Forever, your Mommy <3

Tomorrow

Dear Hailey,

I can't wait until Spring, when I can see your butterflies once again. But I whisper to you all the time; in the mornings as the sun rises & to the stars as I say goodnight. I know you can hear me & if I close my eyes & silence everything around me, I can hear your voice saying back to me, "I love you Mommy."

No matter how my day went, no matter the time, or how tired I am, you're my first & last thought of my day, my sweet angel. I miss you so much.

Tomorrow I promise to tell you about mine & Isabelle's birthday & the big snowstorm we got. There's always a tomorrow...

No matter if here on Earth or with you in Heaven.

Whatever awaits, I've learned to try & embrace it.

Goodnight my mouse.

Love you to the moon & back,

Forever, your mommy <3

A Christmas gift from Chrissy <3

~

Memories

Hi baby girl,

Your sisters didn't flush any ice cubes down the toilet, put a spoon under their pillows, or wear their pajamas on backwards (Bella would of but sissy's outgrown all that I think:), but they didn't need to. It's snowing anyway, our first snow of the season. I'm actually writing to you from a hotel room close to my job, using my cell phone (didn't bring a laptop). So sorry if this looks or sounds sloppy...

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I was thinking of you this morning too when we saw this beautiful sunrise outside, right off the deck:

I know you would be as excited as Bella, to play in the snow & as Sissy, to be missing school. I know you would of been making snow angels, throwing snowballs, and sledding down the hills.... I have all the pics on my facebook and will post them here later.

It's been a long day at work, and I'll be back there tomorrow in even more snow...but I'm not worried. I know you'll be close. I know you'll be with your sisters & the girls tomorrow too when they're out there playing.

All these "firsts" without you are so hard. But the signs you send us, like this morning's beautiful sunrise remind us that you are still here, watching over us.

Sweet dreams my girl.

I love you with every fiber of my being.

Forever, your mommy

Random act of kindness

My mouse,

I woke up yesterday missing you so much. After your sisters went to school, I went to your bedroom, moved your babies over (promising to put them back just the way they were) & crawled under your covers. I laid there for a while, tears streaming down my face, hugging Mr. Cuddles (your giant teddy bear that takes up half the bed:), whispering to you..."I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry..."

I looked around, like I often do & try to take it all in- everything that is you. All the memories, your things, even your smell that is still there...

I've told your sisters, that even if we ever move again, I still want to keep your room. It's still a place we can go, when we want to feel closer to you.

We cry, smile, laugh, pray & talk to you there...similar to when we visit you at the gardens or Church. In those moments when grief hits us harder than usual, we need someplace to be able to retreat.

It's amazing to me, how the human spirit can adjust to almost anything, my angel. Slowly, but surely we are learning to adjust living this new life, with all the changes that have occurred these 9 months, along with all the emotions that have come with it.

We cry, we feel, we fall....but we manage to wipe the tears away after we're done. We don't try to suppress the waves when they come, because we've learned it's no use. If we fall, we've learned to just get back up.

And here we are, still standing.

*********

We wanted to do something special for you, like we do every month, on the 20th. It also happened to be the 3 year "angelversary" of a little girl named Ellie, who's mom I follow on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/events/542222705936331/permalink/549679111857357/


Her mom set up an event- Random Act of Kindness Day; in honor of her angel. She asked that everyone volunteer in a random act of love & kindness in her memory, because much like you, she was a beautiful girl filled with love & kindness.

So your sisters and I went to drop off food at Giant, for the local Haymarket Food Pantry that feeds the homeless. :)

In memory of Hailey & Ellie

Random act of kindness

Then we went to the gardens to place a purple butterfly ornament on your flowers that my friend Christina gave me for Christmas & another I bought; silver angel wings with a crystal tear drop dangling, that says "Daughter, you are my angel."

Because you are, baby girl. And even though it doesn't get easier, I'm always trying to find a way to keep your memory alive in a positive way.  Just like Ellie's mom. I'm glad we participated in doing something good, remembering you in a good way...instead of crying the day away.

When your sisters & I went to see a therapist about a month ago, she asked us how we remember you. We told her how we write to you, go to Church, balloon releases, candle lighting...all the things we've done so far. She agreed with all of it, saying that it's important in the healing & grieving process. She encouraged us to keep talking about you when needed, to keep your memory alive...

I was really glad to hear that coming from her. A third party; professional; whatever you want to call it...just to let me know I was doing something right (specially after some criticism I heard from a couple family members).

I know everyone has their own way of grieving. I've learned that it's ok. There's no rule book. But this is our way, and I hope it will always be.

To remember your smiling face, like sunshine. To make sure we spread a little of that sunshine.

Because I can still see you smiling down upon us, my angel.

Even in these cold winter days, I can feel your warmth protecting us.

We will never forget. How can we? You were & always be a part of us.

I love & miss you.

Forever, your mommy.

9 months

My dear sweet Hailey,

Nine months ago...while flying back from Bolivia, I had a thought of our plane crashing & all of us dying. I think I might of even wished it...

I remember thinking, that would of been the only thing to stop the pain I was feeling...

I remember thinking of how I didn't want to be on that damn plane, with your ashes in a small wooden box, sitting on your seat, where you should have been....

I remember asking again & again, how was possible, that this happened? I couldn't comprehend, that just a week before, you were sitting across the aisle from me....

Where I was able to reach over, & touch you. And now....not.


All I knew, is that I didn't want to live in a world where such things could happen....

I didn't want to live in a world, so cruel & unjust. That I couldn't live another minute longer with the heaviness of the pain that was crushing my insides...to the point where I couldn't breath....

There I sat on that plane, looking out the window, with these thoughts in my mind....wishing to God that he just do something to take us all away....that it be quick & painless...

& that it lead us to wherever you were.

That is real & true, and I don't think I ever told anyone that...

I was afraid if I did, they'd lock me up in a looney bin. So instead, I just wept inside, in silence, all the way back home, then some long months afterwards...

Oh my sweet angel...

Tomorrow will be 9 months & I recalled all this, during our trip.  It hit me all over again, as I was sitting on that plane, looking out the window.

And I did look for you in the skies like I promised.

I stared out onto the vastness of the clouds, that were soaring above all our lands, oceans, mountains, highways...

& below the heavens of a giant universe with stars, galaxies & worlds yet undiscovered...

& while I felt I was closer to you in theory...because I know you are somewhere beautiful & magical...

I soon realized that I didn't need to be there...flying in those skies, to feel closer to you.

Because you will be living forever in my heart.

And there is no place closer to me than that.

My beautiful angel. It's true.

I touch my heart & there you are....breathing, beating....your love pumping through my veins, circling deep in my inner soul.

There you are...and will always be.

My heart. My Hailey.

I love you always.

Forever,

Your mommy

Type 1 Diabetes awareness

Birthday memory

 Dear Hailey,

I came across this post from you from last year, and I broke down and cried. I could hear your voice saying these words to me, and I just couldn't help it. Even when I read it for the first time last year, it moved me, and made me smile at the same time.

Perfect or not, everything I've ever done, I've done for you & your sisters. To read this, makes my heart happy again & again, & it's the best birthday gift ever.

I miss your strong bear hugs everyday, but I will miss them even more tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a day of mixed emotions, my girl. But I hear your beautiful sweet voice echoing in my heart, "It's ok Mommy. Everything will be okay."

Tomorrow, I will look for you in the skies, my sweet angel...

I love you, with every breath I take.

Love,
Mommy

T

~

Memory

My funny girl...

Plans

Dear baby girl,

Another Monday has passed. Wasn't it just New Year's yesterday?? Some days it seems I can't catch up & others are just so long...

I have my first winter cold, right before my birthday. Hope it doesn't spread to your sisters. Bella of course is excited about her birthday, exactly a week after mine. But that's ok. For almost 10 years now, I'm used to her stealing my thunder. ;)

I have been trying to cope with the mixed feelings of her upcoming birthday....after all it's her 10th. You were 10 too.  Just a couple weeks before your 11th birthday, my sweet girl.

Daddy's been trying to help, telling me I shouldn't think of it that way. That we had you for closer to 11 years. I know he's right. It's a constant battle between my brain & my heart...

It gets tiring having to fight all the time between the two. But I do, because I know your sister has every right to have her birthday & enjoy it; without those bad thoughts in the background. So I won't talk about it again, but silently my angel, I grieve.

*******

Before we knew Mikey was planning on visiting for Christmas, we had talked about going away for the holidays. Somewhere far, somewhere warm. Close to the beach...like when we saw your Haileyfly.

Once he announced his plans to visit, we forgot ours. But sadly, Joshua got sick & they never made it. :( It made our Christmas even sadder, my mouse. We would of gladly given up a trip around the world to see them again. It's been too long. But this is a New Year with new possibilities & hopefully we will see them not too far in the future...I miss my brother. <3

In the meantime, we were still left with the urge to get away. I say we, but really I guess it's just me. But...once I mentioned the idea of going somewhere for the weekend, in celebration of both our birthdays, your sisters both agreed.

So, it looks we're going to Florida, my mouse. We're going to see Minnie & Mickey :) The last time we were there, you were just 2 years old. Sissy was 5 & Bella was in my tummy. Mikey was there too.


Hollywood Studios

This was so long ago. You were just a little mouse & look at Sissy too. Both fit in a stroller. :)

We went in August and it was sooo hot. We had to keep pouring water over your heads & buy one of those battery operated fans...and it was still hot.

I know you don't remember. Sissy barely remembers. Bella always complained that of course she doesn't remember even though technically I told her, she was there too...




All of us, even Bella. :)



Poolside in Daytona- you & your binkie.

 

I wish we had gone again when you were older, so you would of been able to remember it. I know we can't feel guilty about the past, or the present my angel. But it's hard. I'm trying not to think about the idea of another plane ride & another trip...but I'm not the only one.

 

Bella already said she's scared. But I talked to her. I told her this will be a shorter trip, both the plane ride & the days we'll be gone. That she doesn't need to worry. And that you will be there with us. That I know you wouldn't miss it for the world. That out of all the princesses in the world, you 3 are the prettiest. And that every princess deserves to at least visit a castle, at least once...so that's where we plan to go. Magic Kingdom, to see the Cinderella castle.

 

Please please be there with us, my princess....

 

I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, thinking you weren't there with us, someway, somehow. My beautiful girl. How I miss you so much...

 

We are living in two different worlds, learning how to compartmentalize our lives, our feelings, our thoughts. Sometimes they cross over, they get all mixed up. And everyday we have the task of reorganizing...

 

I hope you can understand my thoughts & emotions. Understand that underneath all of this, there is great love there.

 

My Hailey Anne, we're going to see some sun I hope. And have some fun. We deserve it, I think. And I know you will be there, excited as can be, jumping around with Bella & next to Sissy's side....

 

Please be there.

 

I love you,

Mommy

 

 

 





i love you.

https://www.facebook.com/letterstohailey/

Air

Baby girl,

Over the last few months I've read a lot on loss & grief...specially on the loss of a child. Some things I've purposely picked out & read, some I've come across that are completely random...or so I first thought.

The movies I've watched, on the days I can't bring myself to do anything else...not particularly looking for anything specific, but catch my eye somehow:

Wild (the last book I read before our trip, then saw the movie when we came back)- the journey of grief after losing her mom
Things We Lost in the Fire- wife grieving her husband's death
Ordinary People- family grieves over the loss of their son & brother
Still Alice- (read the book)- woman who copes with her diagnosis of Alzheimer's & deaths of her sister & mom when she was younger...
A Little Chaos- love story of a woman who loses her daughter

And probably more I can't remember at this very moment.

Much like the random articles I've found about child loss, while browsing magazines...that captured me so much I tore them out to save for later (they were the mags we recycle at work that they allow us to read during downtime).

The last article I read was about one of my favorite authors- Isabel Allende & the real life loss of her daughter, which I had no idea about. I was at work & had to stop reading it midway because it was so heartbreaking, I didn't want be answering the phones crying.

It was just such a coincidence that I happened to pick up that magazine. Just like I happened to click on those movies, or read those books.

I just started thinking, my angel, that maybe it hasn't been a coincidence after all?

And as sad as the stories are, I finish reading or watching because there's so much inspiration that comes from all of them. I started writing down some of the quotes, some are memorized, never leaving my mind. They help me, baby girl.

It helps me to know, I'm not the first. And that I'm not alone. And that just maybe, you or God or the universe has a hand in placing them in my path & making sure I find them there...

If so, then thank you. Thank you my angel.

When you can't breath, every little bit of air pumped into your lungs, helps.

I love you.

Mommy

*******

(From most recent)

A Little Chaos:

What if no one person is to blame? And what use is blame? It is enough to have that happen to you. It is enough to recover from it. That is as much as we may ask of ourselves. That is enough.

Isabelle Allende- who wrote a couple books about her daughter that I want to read.

Still Alice:

 

 

Wild:

“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.”  

“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.”  

“God is not a granter of wishes. God is a ruthless bitch.”  

“…the death of my mother was the thing that made me believe the most deeply in my safety: nothing bad could happen to me, I thought. The worst thing already had.”  

“I was a pebble. I was a leaf. I was the jagged branch of a tree. I was nothing to them and they were everything to me.”  

Things We Lost In the Fire:

"You know, you gotta accept the good, man, ’cause they’re gonna make you accept the bad."

Accept the good.

 

Another lifetime

My dear sweet Hailey,

Sometimes I feel I have lived several different lifetimes, and a thousand years have passed in between. Like I've lived in different worlds, in different times & been several different people.

Sometimes I look back & remember & find it hard to believe all these lives combined, have been all mine, rolled up into one. Yet, it is true. And here I still am, despite it all...


My mouse, this life that I'm living now. The one without you. The one that started the day I lost you....doesn't compare to anything I've have had to endure, ever.

In this lifetime, I am broken into a million pieces.

Each day, I try to find & sort each piece, one by one & glue myself back together.

In hopes that one day I can be somewhat whole again...despite the hole in my heart that I know will never mend.

In hopes that all this pain I feel, will transform to love & it will spill freely. Abundantly.

And that it will be enough to sustain me, so that I can continue to live...

Until I see you again, in another lifetime.

My sweet girl.

I love & miss you with all my heart. I will never forget you.

Forever,
Your Mommy <3

~

Trying

Dear Hailey,

We blinked & it's a new year already. I was looking forward to the holidays being over, and now here we are. A brand new year.

I remember in the past, really feeling a sense of a 'new year'. Allowing permission to rid ourselves of some baggage & feeling that sweet exhaling relief of letting go...

The feeling of excitement as we looked at the path ahead, filled with promise, holding in our hand a list of resolutions & declarations. A map to happiness...

I don't feel that way this year, baby girl. Not so far. And if I haven't already, it's most likely that I won't.

Everything's different now. Everything's changed.

I shed a few tears as we toasted sweet sparkling cider together (our tradition); us girls, Grandma & Pop Pop. I tried hard to hold in the feelings of sadness & regret, that were swelling up my heart to the point of explosion. Instead what we heard at the strike of midnight, was the sound of fireworks outside the living room window.

I'm glad it was a distraction to the tears that managed to escape (but I know were still noticed). New Year's is a time of reflection after all, how could I not reflect on all that's happened? Look ahead to the new year, without you my beautiful girl?

We know you are here in spirit. But we still miss you; the physical you & that won't ever change. New year or not. :(

But we lit a candle that night, knowing you were there with us. Acknowledging that you are always with us. We got the mozzarella sticks you love, along with all the other regular hors d'oeuvres (horseduvers :) we get; pizza bagel bites, shrimp cocktail, pigs in a blanket...

I was glad to have your sisters back, grateful to have Grandmom & Pop's company & that they were able to pick the girls up & drop them off. That the girls had a chance to spend time with your cousins. I'm sure you were there with them too.

******

Oh, my sweet Hailey.

My hope is for strength to go on. To find good ways to keep your memory alive. To make you proud.

We've looked into making a donation to the homeless shelter in Manassas, in your memory. It was the last project you worked on, before we left for Bolivia. It was a community service project, you & your group chose: homelessness. You worked on a poster board & pamphlets based on the research you & your group did. I still have the pamphlet. I've held on to it, so we could make the donations you suggested. We have bags of groceries in the trunk, but time ran out on us. Now we have to wait on a day when we're all off again at the same time (don't worry they're non perishables, they won't go bad ;)... I want your sisters to be there with me, when I drop them off. I want it to be meaningful.

Also, my mouse. I'm excited about another possible awareness project I've been reading about & researching for some months now. Today I spoke to the mom of another little girl, Reagan, who also passed due to DKA Type 1 Diabetes almost 2 years ago, from South Carolina. Her mom's been devoted to this project, working hard & with wonderful results.

All her hard work & dedication have come from the same place; her heart. We had a good long talk to day. We walk on the same exact path, my angel. And I know you are with her angel up there too.

She gave me some background information on the project, shared her experiences, & told me how to get started. She also offered help & asked that I contact her if I have any questions along the way...

Her last words to me were, " I love you. I don't know you, I've never met you, but I love you. Know that you are not alone."

I love her too my mouse.

And I love you.

I won't make any promises or resolutions for this new year except for this:

I promise to always try.
I will try to go on.
I will try to not only exist but to live & love.
Love with no fear.

No matter the path, no matter where it will lead me, you will always be with me.

See you in my dreams,

My beautiful angel.

Forever, your Mommy <3

Lessons

My beautiful girl,

This is what I wrote on my FB status yesterday. I meant every word, but we still missed you last night.

I wish for this to New Year to be a calm one, with room to heal.

I love you, so much.

Mommy

*****************

Woke up to the birds chirping outside my window, now the sun is out after 2 weeks of rain. This year was the worst year of my life but it's taught me so many things. What I choose to take from it I want to share with all of you...the ones that have seen me at my worst and lifted me up from the darkest place: I know there is something better waiting for us at the end of this life. We are destined for certain things & we make choices on others. But this isn't it, something more... awaits us...I know this because my baby's given me so many signs & because I can feel her spirit around me, specially today. This is what keeps us going. So just remember that no matter how dark it gets, look for the light...and don't forget to enjoy the sun after the rain. Wishing you all a healthy happy new year. Don't be afraid to love & live passionately...We are just visitors here, passing through. Love you all  <3 <3 <3

New Year

Happy New Year baby girl. I love you with all my heart.

Always & forever,
Mommy <3