Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Back to school
My little girl,
Today was so hard. I wasn't able to hold in the sadness I feel. It's been building up these last couple weeks, no matter what I tell myself.
Tomorrow you would of started 7th grade. You would of woken up early with your sisters & gotten ready with a new cute outfit, already laid out the night before. Your hair & nails would of been done. New shoes, new book bag & supplies. You would of been excited to see your friends in school and to see your teachers...
It would of been a new chapter in your life.
I hope that in the place your are in now, you can experience and learn new things. I hope that you are surrounded by friends and loved ones. I hope that you can see how much we love you and know the tears we cry are because we miss you so much. But we will be ok.
Maybe there's even school in heaven. Maybe you'll even be starting 7th grade there. Among other Angels. If you are, I hope you have a great first day. I wish I was there to see you off. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you good luck.
For now, I can tell only you here and in my prayers or by your grave at the gardens, which we did tonight. Have a good first day in Heaven, ok?
We love you so much. If you have time, please look out for your sisters & their first day. <3
Today was so hard. I wasn't able to hold in the sadness I feel. It's been building up these last couple weeks, no matter what I tell myself.
Tomorrow you would of started 7th grade. You would of woken up early with your sisters & gotten ready with a new cute outfit, already laid out the night before. Your hair & nails would of been done. New shoes, new book bag & supplies. You would of been excited to see your friends in school and to see your teachers...
It would of been a new chapter in your life.
I hope that in the place your are in now, you can experience and learn new things. I hope that you are surrounded by friends and loved ones. I hope that you can see how much we love you and know the tears we cry are because we miss you so much. But we will be ok.
Maybe there's even school in heaven. Maybe you'll even be starting 7th grade there. Among other Angels. If you are, I hope you have a great first day. I wish I was there to see you off. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you good luck.
For now, I can tell only you here and in my prayers or by your grave at the gardens, which we did tonight. Have a good first day in Heaven, ok?
We love you so much. If you have time, please look out for your sisters & their first day. <3
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| rainbow cloud |
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| fresh flowers |
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| sunset at the gardens |
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| my wise mouse |
Friday, August 26, 2016
19 Quilts for Natalie
Dear baby girl,
It's the week before school starts and we've been running around trying to get your sisters ready. That means- Dr. Appointments, haircuts, back to school shopping (with your teenage sissy...that means shopping in many places to look for specific things= exhausting), class orientation, and so on.
It hit me early- the back to school shopping aisles in the stores, the posts on FB & on Instagram from your friends....everywhere reminding me that it's that time of year. Yet another year that everyone is growing and moving on...
I've tried not to let grief take hold baby girl, but sometimes it's unavoidable. I was having a tough couple of weeks. It seems everywhere I go, I am reminded.
We try to stay busy, but my mind always goes there. In the aisles, I find myself wondering what you would of begged me to buy you, or guessing which things you would of picked, asking myself how much your tastes would of changed...what new styles or fads you would of been into. You were always my little fashionista, so I know it would of been cute & fashionable.
It makes my heart ache. Each milestone is so hard.
I try & remind myself of how proud I am of your sisters. How they had a great year last year & how they are looking forward to this year (at least Bella is, she is bored enough at home where she's ready to go back. Sissy on the other hand is a typical teen and would prefer to sleep in :).
I was feeling down with all this on my mind, when I got a beautiful surprise in the mail on Wednesday:
I was in tears my mouse. It really touched me, specially when I read the note. I felt so thankful to have the family that we do- even my cousin Gloria (Kita) who lives all the way in Italy & who wasn't able to be here during the service or here in general...
It was so sweet & thoughtful of her. The quilt is absolutely beautiful, like you. We really did feel your love & the love of my prima wrapped around us. Bella slept with it the first night, then we put it on your bed the next day, so it could have your "germs" on it, as Bella said. So whenever we need to feel that love again, we can wrap ourselves in it and it will really have some part of you all over it. <3
Daddy saw it too & he loved it. He got teary eyed & gave us a big hug.
There are good people in this world, my mouse. Specially people who are suffering the most, like Natalie's mom.
This type of goodness is extra special because it comes from a place that was born within us, at the same time a part of us died. It's the goodness that saved us & keeps us alive; not only physically but mentally. It fulfills some of the emptiness we feel after we lost our babies. It's the same type of goodness that fills me when I try & spread awareness or do something good in your name...
It's the very meaning of hope.
https://www.facebook.com/19quiltsfornatalie/
.........
My week was topped off yesterday when your friend Gabi and her mom came by to pick up an extra memorial bracelet that Dom's mom ordered for all the kids after you passed. Hers accidentally broke and Gabi's mom said she was upset. I'm so glad she contacted me through Instagram- one of the reasons I keep that account open.
It made my day baby girl. I gave her a big hug. I recognized her right away and I told her anytime, that I still have many left. I also gave her the blue Type One Diabetes one we ordered last year. Her mom said to let her know the next time we do the 5k walks...
It just made me happy to know your friends still think about you. That they wear their bracelet "proud" as her mom said. But then again how could they not? You were always my social butterfly and not only that, you were a good friend. Your sweet, funny, outgoing & even sassy personality made so many love you.
You are not so forgettable baby girl. Your life made an imprint on so many lives. You still live in all of us.
We always remember, miss & love you. <3
Forever,
Your mommy
It's the week before school starts and we've been running around trying to get your sisters ready. That means- Dr. Appointments, haircuts, back to school shopping (with your teenage sissy...that means shopping in many places to look for specific things= exhausting), class orientation, and so on.
It hit me early- the back to school shopping aisles in the stores, the posts on FB & on Instagram from your friends....everywhere reminding me that it's that time of year. Yet another year that everyone is growing and moving on...
I've tried not to let grief take hold baby girl, but sometimes it's unavoidable. I was having a tough couple of weeks. It seems everywhere I go, I am reminded.
We try to stay busy, but my mind always goes there. In the aisles, I find myself wondering what you would of begged me to buy you, or guessing which things you would of picked, asking myself how much your tastes would of changed...what new styles or fads you would of been into. You were always my little fashionista, so I know it would of been cute & fashionable.
It makes my heart ache. Each milestone is so hard.
I try & remind myself of how proud I am of your sisters. How they had a great year last year & how they are looking forward to this year (at least Bella is, she is bored enough at home where she's ready to go back. Sissy on the other hand is a typical teen and would prefer to sleep in :).
I was feeling down with all this on my mind, when I got a beautiful surprise in the mail on Wednesday:
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| A handmade quilt made from 19 Quilts for Natalie that my cousin Gloria ordered for me. So beautiful & perfect. If you notice, it has an empty space in the heart- the hole in our hearts that will remain forever. |
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| So sweet & sad, this mom lost her daughter Natalie in a car accident yet still finds it in her to send quilts to other grieving moms... |
I was in tears my mouse. It really touched me, specially when I read the note. I felt so thankful to have the family that we do- even my cousin Gloria (Kita) who lives all the way in Italy & who wasn't able to be here during the service or here in general...
It was so sweet & thoughtful of her. The quilt is absolutely beautiful, like you. We really did feel your love & the love of my prima wrapped around us. Bella slept with it the first night, then we put it on your bed the next day, so it could have your "germs" on it, as Bella said. So whenever we need to feel that love again, we can wrap ourselves in it and it will really have some part of you all over it. <3
Daddy saw it too & he loved it. He got teary eyed & gave us a big hug.
There are good people in this world, my mouse. Specially people who are suffering the most, like Natalie's mom.
This type of goodness is extra special because it comes from a place that was born within us, at the same time a part of us died. It's the goodness that saved us & keeps us alive; not only physically but mentally. It fulfills some of the emptiness we feel after we lost our babies. It's the same type of goodness that fills me when I try & spread awareness or do something good in your name...
It's the very meaning of hope.
https://www.facebook.com/19quiltsfornatalie/
 |
| I saw this the other day and saved it. How it applies to this letter now, baby girl... |
My week was topped off yesterday when your friend Gabi and her mom came by to pick up an extra memorial bracelet that Dom's mom ordered for all the kids after you passed. Hers accidentally broke and Gabi's mom said she was upset. I'm so glad she contacted me through Instagram- one of the reasons I keep that account open.
It made my day baby girl. I gave her a big hug. I recognized her right away and I told her anytime, that I still have many left. I also gave her the blue Type One Diabetes one we ordered last year. Her mom said to let her know the next time we do the 5k walks...
It just made me happy to know your friends still think about you. That they wear their bracelet "proud" as her mom said. But then again how could they not? You were always my social butterfly and not only that, you were a good friend. Your sweet, funny, outgoing & even sassy personality made so many love you.
You are not so forgettable baby girl. Your life made an imprint on so many lives. You still live in all of us.
We always remember, miss & love you. <3
Forever,
Your mommy
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| Always remembering your sweet smile. My sunshine. <3 |
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Dear Hailey,
I am mentally & physically spent from all the running around & emotional roller coaster of the last few days, but as usual I just want to tell you I love you. I love your sisters. No matter how tired & worn I feel at the end of the day, I am greatful to have them & Daddy too.
Except for having to carry & bear the weight of this grief- it's all been good things.
I will think of these good things tonight & write about them
tomorrow. As always I will say a little prayer...
I will whisper goodnight my mouse. I love you and I miss you so much. Come see me in my dreams, ok?
Goodnight.
I am mentally & physically spent from all the running around & emotional roller coaster of the last few days, but as usual I just want to tell you I love you. I love your sisters. No matter how tired & worn I feel at the end of the day, I am greatful to have them & Daddy too.
Except for having to carry & bear the weight of this grief- it's all been good things.
I will think of these good things tonight & write about them
tomorrow. As always I will say a little prayer...
I will whisper goodnight my mouse. I love you and I miss you so much. Come see me in my dreams, ok?
Goodnight.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Memory
My beautiful girl,
We miss & love you so much. Each day gets harder without you. I hope you are ok. We talk about you & think about you every day. <3 <3
...........
This memory came up the other day.
It had us talking & remembering this day, the day you got your retainer/expander & braces. You were actually happy to get them, just like the time you got your first pair of glasses. To you, they were fashion accessories. :)
Later when they switched it to colored rubber bands, you were glad because you could color coordinate with your outfits for the month. Each month, new color. Your retainer was purple.
We laughed remembering how hard it was to understand you the first few weeks. How the retainer had you speaking with a lisp, but we didn't say anything because we didn't want to upset you. We'd have to ask you to repeat yourself..."What Hailey? What was that? Huh?" Until you eventually learned to talk normally again. :)
The retainer came with a thumb guard which you hated, because it left it's imprint on your tongue that made it sore- but it was necessary to keep your from sucking your thumb. It was a habit you picked up after I threw away your last binky when you were 4....too old to have a binky, then too old to be sucking your thumb ;).
That is part of the reason you needed braces...to fix what the thumb sucking did to your front teeth and because the orthodontist told us you had a small jaw & not enough room for your adult teeth to grow normally. They were too crowded & would end up overlapping...
They wanted to close the gap between your front teeth first with the braces & then work on expanding your jaw with the expander...
We would widen the expander/retainer every week by turning it with a key....which made your teeth sore for a couple of days until you adjusted. You carried a green case for it in your lunch box & I had a spare in my purse for when we went out to eat...
I think I still have the case somewhere & I probably will never be able to throw it away. :(
Alina always remembers the time we were at her house & it was accidentally thrown away....instead of putting it in your case, you wrapped it in a paper napkin while you ate....
You were so upset, so she helped you dig threw the trash until you finally found it. She remembers how happy you were & how you gave her a big bear hug...
Oh my mouse, we remember. It's funny the things we remember in detail & the things we forget. But these things, we will ever forget...
About a year & a half later, you got them taken out for good.
One of your friends last year, commented somewhere, that they never got to see you with your braces off....how they would now never get to see you without them...
I wish I could remember which friend or where I read the comment...maybe Instagram. I think it was a friend that moved mid-year...I'm sorry that I don't remember. I just remember this picture, wishing I could show them how you looked. Beautiful as always.
I hope they one day get to see this picture.
You eventually did stop sucking your thumb. But always held on to your pillow sheet. That will be for another letter, another memory, my sweet girl.
I don't want to forget these things, so I will keep writing them down.
I love you my little girl.
Yesterday, today & always.
Forever,
Your mommy <3
We miss & love you so much. Each day gets harder without you. I hope you are ok. We talk about you & think about you every day. <3 <3
...........
This memory came up the other day.
It had us talking & remembering this day, the day you got your retainer/expander & braces. You were actually happy to get them, just like the time you got your first pair of glasses. To you, they were fashion accessories. :)
Later when they switched it to colored rubber bands, you were glad because you could color coordinate with your outfits for the month. Each month, new color. Your retainer was purple.
We laughed remembering how hard it was to understand you the first few weeks. How the retainer had you speaking with a lisp, but we didn't say anything because we didn't want to upset you. We'd have to ask you to repeat yourself..."What Hailey? What was that? Huh?" Until you eventually learned to talk normally again. :)
The retainer came with a thumb guard which you hated, because it left it's imprint on your tongue that made it sore- but it was necessary to keep your from sucking your thumb. It was a habit you picked up after I threw away your last binky when you were 4....too old to have a binky, then too old to be sucking your thumb ;).
That is part of the reason you needed braces...to fix what the thumb sucking did to your front teeth and because the orthodontist told us you had a small jaw & not enough room for your adult teeth to grow normally. They were too crowded & would end up overlapping...
They wanted to close the gap between your front teeth first with the braces & then work on expanding your jaw with the expander...
We would widen the expander/retainer every week by turning it with a key....which made your teeth sore for a couple of days until you adjusted. You carried a green case for it in your lunch box & I had a spare in my purse for when we went out to eat...
I think I still have the case somewhere & I probably will never be able to throw it away. :(
Alina always remembers the time we were at her house & it was accidentally thrown away....instead of putting it in your case, you wrapped it in a paper napkin while you ate....
You were so upset, so she helped you dig threw the trash until you finally found it. She remembers how happy you were & how you gave her a big bear hug...
Oh my mouse, we remember. It's funny the things we remember in detail & the things we forget. But these things, we will ever forget...
About a year & a half later, you got them taken out for good.
 |
| Daddy took this picture. I usually took you to your appointments but I had to work this day. He has this on his phone & always looks at it, always remembers this day. He said you were so happy to get them removed. He took you to McDonald's for breakfast afterwards to celebrate. I miss that little freckle on your lip...you got embarrassed by it when it first it popped up. |
 |
| You always had a beautiful smile, even more beautiful then. How I miss it. How we miss you...how you would light up the room. |
One of your friends last year, commented somewhere, that they never got to see you with your braces off....how they would now never get to see you without them...
I wish I could remember which friend or where I read the comment...maybe Instagram. I think it was a friend that moved mid-year...I'm sorry that I don't remember. I just remember this picture, wishing I could show them how you looked. Beautiful as always.
I hope they one day get to see this picture.
You eventually did stop sucking your thumb. But always held on to your pillow sheet. That will be for another letter, another memory, my sweet girl.
I don't want to forget these things, so I will keep writing them down.
I love you my little girl.
Yesterday, today & always.
Forever,
Your mommy <3
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Sunflowers
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| A mom from one of the support groups made this for me after I posted a pic of you. I never told her your favorite color was purple. <3 |
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Nanny's Bday
My Haileymouse,
We are home during the daytime because of the extreme heat. It's too hot to even take Bella to the pool, can you believe it?
It's been like this for days at a time this summer. So hot that Rocky won't walk past the lake by the house. If we take him to the dog park it has be early in the morning or late in the evening...it's hard not to believe in global warming when you watch the news of all the droughts & wildfires on one side of the country & major flooding on the other... :(
We are doing the best we can my mouse. Daddy took some days off for the Jersey trip hoping to go to the shore for a couple of days, but I couldn't take the days off. So he's been home with your sisters instead, spending some time with them & driving them here & there (in his new hooptie:), enjoying his little bit of freedom now that he can drive. It's been great to come home to having groceries in the fridge (that I didn't have to get myself) & dinner already made. It's the little things.
Daddy bought a used car from a co-worker that drives well but has no a/c. :( So even if he could, he doesn't want to drive much anyway. Hopefully it either cools down or he gets it fixed soon!
.......
Nanny's birthday party turned out great of course. Everything was nice- the decorations (a lot of purple), the food was yummy (almost all made by Grandma), the slide-show was really special (many pictures of Nanny & her family, our family too).
There were people from her church, her neighbors in the building & of course family & friends. Many whom I haven't seen since....
I got many hugs my mouse. It was nice seeing everyone. It was nice seeing Nanny happy in her birthday hat that Bella helped make for her. I didn't get a chance to take many pictures because we were helping Grandma serve the food & clean up. It went by so fast.
I couldn't help but tear up during the slide-show, when I saw your beautiful face pop up. One when you were a cute baby & Nanny was holding you. Then of you & your cousins...& us. Aunt Didi & Uncle Chris came over to give me a hug. Aunt Didi said you had to be there, of course. We couldn't of had it any other way. Uncle Chris was cracking jokes to make me smile. It worked. Hugs are good. Jokes are good. Love is always good.
......
Your sisters had a great time with the girls. Brooklyn got so tall! I don't know if it's her thin frame, or her sweet personality, but she reminds me of you. I gave her extra hugs. <3
Uncle Dan got this one picture of the younger girls, as they walked to get ice cream after a storm. They all said it was you saying hi, reminding them that you were there. :)
Sissy said one night they went camping in the back yard. They actually set up a tent & everything & they slept there overnight. She said her & Brooklyn were out there looking at the stars & Bella went on the hammock looking at them too, thinking of you.
Grandma hung up a mobile in one of the bedrooms, on a hanger made of little origami butterflies that Camryn made thinking of you. I meant to take a pic of that too but I never got the chance...
We are always thinking of you my beautiful girl.
Our last day there, I got a text from Anthony's mom saying they found this while organizing his room & they said a prayer for us & you...
It brought tears, but they were happy tears. You always had nice handwriting & were a good artist. I love the Under Armour emblem on his shirt. :)
Dom's mom posted on your FB page saying they always remember you too...
It always means a lot to hear from them baby girl. I know as time passes things may change. It's ok. I've learned that my grief is different from others. But just to hear that they still think of you. That we are not alone because there are still many praying for us...
It makes my heart smile & gives me strength.
.............
We love you so much baby girl.
Everyday we think of you, talk about you & to you...
The season for Haileyflies is now & they are everywhere.
They've made me smile too, these last couple of weeks.
I miss you more than words can say.
This Friday will be another month. I'm sorry for not being able to stop counting...
I've been wanting to drop off a single sunflower, I've seen them everywhere too & they remind me of you.
My sunshine.
My sweet baby girl.
We are tying & doing everything we can to continue living this life & honoring you.. But it's so hard to be without you.
Always & forever,
Your Mommy
We are home during the daytime because of the extreme heat. It's too hot to even take Bella to the pool, can you believe it?
It's been like this for days at a time this summer. So hot that Rocky won't walk past the lake by the house. If we take him to the dog park it has be early in the morning or late in the evening...it's hard not to believe in global warming when you watch the news of all the droughts & wildfires on one side of the country & major flooding on the other... :(
We are doing the best we can my mouse. Daddy took some days off for the Jersey trip hoping to go to the shore for a couple of days, but I couldn't take the days off. So he's been home with your sisters instead, spending some time with them & driving them here & there (in his new hooptie:), enjoying his little bit of freedom now that he can drive. It's been great to come home to having groceries in the fridge (that I didn't have to get myself) & dinner already made. It's the little things.
Daddy bought a used car from a co-worker that drives well but has no a/c. :( So even if he could, he doesn't want to drive much anyway. Hopefully it either cools down or he gets it fixed soon!
.......
Nanny's birthday party turned out great of course. Everything was nice- the decorations (a lot of purple), the food was yummy (almost all made by Grandma), the slide-show was really special (many pictures of Nanny & her family, our family too).
There were people from her church, her neighbors in the building & of course family & friends. Many whom I haven't seen since....
I got many hugs my mouse. It was nice seeing everyone. It was nice seeing Nanny happy in her birthday hat that Bella helped make for her. I didn't get a chance to take many pictures because we were helping Grandma serve the food & clean up. It went by so fast.
I couldn't help but tear up during the slide-show, when I saw your beautiful face pop up. One when you were a cute baby & Nanny was holding you. Then of you & your cousins...& us. Aunt Didi & Uncle Chris came over to give me a hug. Aunt Didi said you had to be there, of course. We couldn't of had it any other way. Uncle Chris was cracking jokes to make me smile. It worked. Hugs are good. Jokes are good. Love is always good.
 |
| Wish we got more pics. I have one with Nanny & all the girls, but you know Uncle C. |
Your sisters had a great time with the girls. Brooklyn got so tall! I don't know if it's her thin frame, or her sweet personality, but she reminds me of you. I gave her extra hugs. <3
Uncle Dan got this one picture of the younger girls, as they walked to get ice cream after a storm. They all said it was you saying hi, reminding them that you were there. :)
 |
| <3 (Blurred C's face for her parents.) |
Grandma hung up a mobile in one of the bedrooms, on a hanger made of little origami butterflies that Camryn made thinking of you. I meant to take a pic of that too but I never got the chance...
We are always thinking of you my beautiful girl.
Our last day there, I got a text from Anthony's mom saying they found this while organizing his room & they said a prayer for us & you...
 |
| So sweet. Another treasure to add to our collection. <3 |
Dom's mom posted on your FB page saying they always remember you too...
It always means a lot to hear from them baby girl. I know as time passes things may change. It's ok. I've learned that my grief is different from others. But just to hear that they still think of you. That we are not alone because there are still many praying for us...
It makes my heart smile & gives me strength.
.............
 |
| This reminds me of the origami's that Camryn made. :) |
We love you so much baby girl.
Everyday we think of you, talk about you & to you...
The season for Haileyflies is now & they are everywhere.
They've made me smile too, these last couple of weeks.
I miss you more than words can say.
This Friday will be another month. I'm sorry for not being able to stop counting...
I've been wanting to drop off a single sunflower, I've seen them everywhere too & they remind me of you.
My sunshine.
My sweet baby girl.
We are tying & doing everything we can to continue living this life & honoring you.. But it's so hard to be without you.
Always & forever,
Your Mommy
Monday, August 15, 2016
~
My angel,
We got back from Grandma's late last night & I worked all day....I'm pretty tired but probably won't be able to sleep without telling you how much I love and miss you.
Goodnight.
Love,
Mommy <3
We got back from Grandma's late last night & I worked all day....I'm pretty tired but probably won't be able to sleep without telling you how much I love and miss you.
Goodnight.
Love,
Mommy <3
Sunday, August 14, 2016
~
 |
| I'm lucky I have somewhere for it to go, because there is so much of It, my little girl, my love for you is never ending & hope it reaches You wherever you are. |
 |
| I'm learning, still trying to figure out this new me. Finding out The parts that have died & the new ones that have been born. But Part of me, will always be with you. <3 |
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Dreams
My beautiful girl,
I had another dream of you this morning, but I couldn't quite remember all of it. I just remember you being little- maybe 5 or 6, hair in pig tails, not very long. You were wearing a baby blue winter coat I remember you once had. You were following me somewhere, I don't remember....but you were happy. I was happy talking to you, like old times. My little girl.
I can still hear your voice, picture your face, see your expressions....all those things I remember so clearly.
It left me with a different feeling than the last dream I had. The one where you came back & you were older, taller...shyer. We were in front of your closet & you were trying on clothes & they didn't fit. I said, "Don't worry, we'll take you shopping." You kept your head down, like you didn't want to look at me. :( Then Daddy came in & I told him we needed to buy you some new clothes. It might of been cold because I suggested you put on a long sleeve shirt but you shook your head & quietly said, "No I'm fine". Then came the hug. I hugged you and felt you in my arms. It felt so real, but you didn't give me back one of your famous bear hugs. I felt sadness in my dream & more so when I woke up realizing it was only a dream. The re-occurring nightmare of waking up realizing you are really gone. :(
Anytime I have a dream about you, upon waking up I can't move. I wake up just laying there trying to remember every second....letting any memory of it sink in. Until the fogginess of it clears & I can make out your face, hear your voice & feel you close again. Then it becomes ingrained in me & the feeling of it lingers days after...
I just miss you my mouse.
I saw this picture on Facebook today & it reminded me of you. Of the dream Papi had of you the morning you passed- of you entering the room with a whole bunch of kids, of all different ages, happily dancing, holding hands...we were just talking about it the last time I saw him.
Papi thinks it was your way of saying bye to him, letting him know you are ok. That you are surrounded by kids, one of your favorite things in the world....
I love you my purple butterfly.
It's amazing the things I see, read, find, or come across that remind me of you.
You are constantly on my mind.
We'll be leaving in a couple of days to meet up with your sisters. I miss them too. They've created a slide show for Nanny's 95th bday, filled with pics of her life. You & the girls will be in many of them.
I already know I will get emotional...I just hope I don't lose it altogether.
Either way I'm sure it will be great since Grandma's worked hard on planning it. We're going to celebrate Nanny & the great person she is & the long life she's had, full of blessings. What more can one ask for?
You can visit me in my dreams anytime.
I love & miss you.
I'll be visiting you at the gardens before we leave. <3
Goodnight.
Forever,
Your mommy
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy
“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
"giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton
I had another dream of you this morning, but I couldn't quite remember all of it. I just remember you being little- maybe 5 or 6, hair in pig tails, not very long. You were wearing a baby blue winter coat I remember you once had. You were following me somewhere, I don't remember....but you were happy. I was happy talking to you, like old times. My little girl.
I can still hear your voice, picture your face, see your expressions....all those things I remember so clearly.
It left me with a different feeling than the last dream I had. The one where you came back & you were older, taller...shyer. We were in front of your closet & you were trying on clothes & they didn't fit. I said, "Don't worry, we'll take you shopping." You kept your head down, like you didn't want to look at me. :( Then Daddy came in & I told him we needed to buy you some new clothes. It might of been cold because I suggested you put on a long sleeve shirt but you shook your head & quietly said, "No I'm fine". Then came the hug. I hugged you and felt you in my arms. It felt so real, but you didn't give me back one of your famous bear hugs. I felt sadness in my dream & more so when I woke up realizing it was only a dream. The re-occurring nightmare of waking up realizing you are really gone. :(
Anytime I have a dream about you, upon waking up I can't move. I wake up just laying there trying to remember every second....letting any memory of it sink in. Until the fogginess of it clears & I can make out your face, hear your voice & feel you close again. Then it becomes ingrained in me & the feeling of it lingers days after...
I just miss you my mouse.
I saw this picture on Facebook today & it reminded me of you. Of the dream Papi had of you the morning you passed- of you entering the room with a whole bunch of kids, of all different ages, happily dancing, holding hands...we were just talking about it the last time I saw him.
Papi thinks it was your way of saying bye to him, letting him know you are ok. That you are surrounded by kids, one of your favorite things in the world....
I love you my purple butterfly.
It's amazing the things I see, read, find, or come across that remind me of you.
You are constantly on my mind.
We'll be leaving in a couple of days to meet up with your sisters. I miss them too. They've created a slide show for Nanny's 95th bday, filled with pics of her life. You & the girls will be in many of them.
I already know I will get emotional...I just hope I don't lose it altogether.
Either way I'm sure it will be great since Grandma's worked hard on planning it. We're going to celebrate Nanny & the great person she is & the long life she's had, full of blessings. What more can one ask for?
You can visit me in my dreams anytime.
I love & miss you.
I'll be visiting you at the gardens before we leave. <3
Goodnight.
Forever,
Your mommy
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy
“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
"giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Something good
Baby girl,
The summer continues to wind down. Your sisters are off to NJ tomorrow and staying the week, while Daddy & I will be meeting up with them Saturday for Nanny's 95th b-day party. I have a feeling it will be a long week. But I think it will be a good break for all of us. Your sisters are usually stuck at home while we are at work...
It will be just Rocky, Daddy & I. I've made plans with friends since Daddy works long hours...I've found that it's better for me to stay busy than be home alone with just my thoughts.
I took your sisters to see you at the gardens today. To remind you to visit them along with your cousins, but to also come by and see me once in a while too. During our visit, a big beautiful yellow monarch butterfly- a Haileyfly, flew right by us. Just like one that flew by Bella, Daniella & Natalia earlier today at the pool. They said you were letting them know you were right by their side, then Bella started to teaching them ''how to swim like a mermaid." :)
A couple times now Bella has mentioned she felt you swimming close to her. The first time, she said she felt a touch on her cheek & she turned her head to find no one there. Then the other day, she heard someone whisper her name in her ear as she was coming up for air. Both times she was so excited when she came to tell me, smiling from ear to ear. <3
Thinking about that, reminded me of something I wrote the other day my mouse. The night before I had that dream about you...
Something good https://haileyflies.com/2016/08/04/something-good/ via @wordpressdotcom
I'm always trying to thinking of something good. Think about something positive. It always leads me back to our precious memories together. I don't think it's being stuck in the past. And if it is, then I guess I will be stuck there forever.
......
 |
| Papi found this the other day. My sweet girl, he said. She was so full of life. And it gave me a big painful lump in my throat. :( |
 |
| Such a great day with the family. Love to see all the smiles. |
 |
| More summer memories. Every year I'd take you to the library to sign you girls up for their summer reading program. The more books you read, the more prizes. So every week, you'd write them all down and take your lists back to the library, wait in line & hand them to the student volunteers who would then hand you back food, ice cream, Splashdown Park coupons, stickers, book marks, etc. You would all love it & look forward to it. It's always the simple things that make us the happiest, we just don't realize it at the time. Not until later, until we start looking back, do we realize those small things, were in fact huge things. |
 |
| You girls loved this movie. Made me buy it, watched it over & over, until I loved it too. |
 |
| This is why. <3 |
You girls were always my something good. When all else failed or disappointed, I had my girls. Our family & friends...
When I start to feel or question if there's any good left in this life, I remember. Your sisters. They're still there depending on me.
You three still are & always will be, my something good. <3
Goodnight my angel.
Love you forever,
Your mommy
Friday, August 5, 2016
Dream
Baby girl,
I had dream about you last night that left me sad all day. I'm too tired to write about it tonight. But I just wanted you to know how much I miss you. My heart hurts. I know where the term "my heart is heavy" comes from because that is how I felt all day. Like my heart was being crushed with the weight of the pain I feel.
I'm sorry. It's just that in my dream you came back. Then to wake up and realize it's not real...that I'll never be able to hold you or hug you again...it's too much sometimes. It's a nightmare that never ends. :(
But in my dream I did hug you. You didn't give me back one of your big bear hugs though. That's one of the things that made me sad. But I felt you in my arms again. For now, that will have to do.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
Until I see you again, my beautiful angel.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
I had dream about you last night that left me sad all day. I'm too tired to write about it tonight. But I just wanted you to know how much I miss you. My heart hurts. I know where the term "my heart is heavy" comes from because that is how I felt all day. Like my heart was being crushed with the weight of the pain I feel.
I'm sorry. It's just that in my dream you came back. Then to wake up and realize it's not real...that I'll never be able to hold you or hug you again...it's too much sometimes. It's a nightmare that never ends. :(
But in my dream I did hug you. You didn't give me back one of your big bear hugs though. That's one of the things that made me sad. But I felt you in my arms again. For now, that will have to do.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
Until I see you again, my beautiful angel.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
~
 |
| So true <3 |
 |
| This popped up on my memories yesterday. Your hand with Those silly bands you & your sisters used to make me buy. Another beautiful memory. <3 |
Monday, August 1, 2016
August
My beautiful girl,
Your sisters & I are back from a mini adventure- a one day beach trip to meet up with Papi, Ayde, the kids, Auntie & the boys. Well, it should of been a one day trip but we got caught in a really bad storm on the way back & had to stop for the night.
I've never driven in that bad of a storm; thunder, lightening, torrential downpour, flooded streets, & power outages, major traffic & bad drivers- it just wasn't worth it trying to make it home in all that. It was scary enough for Bella to have a sort of mini anxiety attack. :( I just kept telling her everything was going to be ok. Luckily, we made it to a hotel off one of the exits that had a restaurant too, so we checked in, had dinner, took showers & went right to sleep.
I knew you were with us. When I left your sisters at the lobby so I could find parking, there was one space left close to the entrance right under a purple tree. <3
...........
When I think of having experienced the worst kind of loss, the worst of pain....there is a fear that dies within you, but yet another that is born.
Having survived the worst- I have nothing else to fear because nothing else can compare. But having your sisters- that is not entirely true. Another kind of fear is born & grows; the fear of it happening again. :(
I'm not in a hurry for Sissy to learn how to drive just yet. I'm not in a hurry for them to grow. I want to be able to protect & care for them for as long as possible. This occupies my mind, it helps me continue. Even with the pain of losing & missing you, it also comforts me to know you are our guardian angel. I know you are always with us & we are always looking for signs of you.
.........
We had a good time baby girl. It was short & sweet but even with the rain, we got to enjoy a whole afternoon at the beach under the sun.
It reminded me of all our beach adventures. Watching the kids in the water, it reminded me of how much you loved the water too. My mermaid.
We have so many great memories my sweet girl. Those are just two. Our trips to Point Pleasant & Jersey shore- because it was close to NY & Grandma's house. Paying to go on the beach. The little place we stayed with the outdoor pool that got burned down. Hurricane Katrina that ravaged the boardwalk & it wasn't the same since....
What are memories? Moments in time that we capture, not only in video or photographs, but in our hearts. Imprinted in ever fiber of our being.
We can lose & gain so much through life. But memories.....they are forever.
I love you my baby girl.
I miss you every day.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
Your sisters & I are back from a mini adventure- a one day beach trip to meet up with Papi, Ayde, the kids, Auntie & the boys. Well, it should of been a one day trip but we got caught in a really bad storm on the way back & had to stop for the night.
I've never driven in that bad of a storm; thunder, lightening, torrential downpour, flooded streets, & power outages, major traffic & bad drivers- it just wasn't worth it trying to make it home in all that. It was scary enough for Bella to have a sort of mini anxiety attack. :( I just kept telling her everything was going to be ok. Luckily, we made it to a hotel off one of the exits that had a restaurant too, so we checked in, had dinner, took showers & went right to sleep.
I knew you were with us. When I left your sisters at the lobby so I could find parking, there was one space left close to the entrance right under a purple tree. <3
...........
When I think of having experienced the worst kind of loss, the worst of pain....there is a fear that dies within you, but yet another that is born.
Having survived the worst- I have nothing else to fear because nothing else can compare. But having your sisters- that is not entirely true. Another kind of fear is born & grows; the fear of it happening again. :(
I'm not in a hurry for Sissy to learn how to drive just yet. I'm not in a hurry for them to grow. I want to be able to protect & care for them for as long as possible. This occupies my mind, it helps me continue. Even with the pain of losing & missing you, it also comforts me to know you are our guardian angel. I know you are always with us & we are always looking for signs of you.
 |
| No sunrise, but a little piece of Heaven is shining through. |
We had a good time baby girl. It was short & sweet but even with the rain, we got to enjoy a whole afternoon at the beach under the sun.
It reminded me of all our beach adventures. Watching the kids in the water, it reminded me of how much you loved the water too. My mermaid.
We have so many great memories my sweet girl. Those are just two. Our trips to Point Pleasant & Jersey shore- because it was close to NY & Grandma's house. Paying to go on the beach. The little place we stayed with the outdoor pool that got burned down. Hurricane Katrina that ravaged the boardwalk & it wasn't the same since....
What are memories? Moments in time that we capture, not only in video or photographs, but in our hearts. Imprinted in ever fiber of our being.
We can lose & gain so much through life. But memories.....they are forever.
 |
| VA Beach. Missing some. :( Bella holding Val on her hip just like you would be. :) |
I miss you every day.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
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