Grief & joy intertwined

My beautiful mouse,

You've been on my mind most of the day. I was off the past two days & was supposed to be off today, but I signed up to work some extra hours. That kept my mind off for a little while...

I don't know if it's the gloomy rainy weather, another month ending or what. Maybe it's the just missing you, like I always do, but more so today.

But the beautiful upside to the rain is another rainbow that appeared today:

Hi my angel.

We always look for one now after or while it rains. As usual, a beautiful sign when we need it the most.
...

This is going to be a busy couple of weeks. Tomorrow Bella has her last strings recital. Then the next day Daddy & I are going to an awards assembly during school to watch Bella win an award & make a speech. She was chosen by her teacher for student of the year. :) We are all so happy & proud of her. Daddy switched around an appointment he had so he could make it.

Then next week she has her last field trip- the same one you missed after Bolivia. :( As always, I try not to think about it but I just can't help it. Then it's her 5th grade picnic & graduation. She will officially be a middle schooler in just a few weeks...charting new territory that you never had a chance to.

I'm sorry baby girl. It just pains me. The grief starts to bubble up inside me & it just comes pouring out, with no way to stop it.
...

Today I ran across a post on FB- a video actually where a "grief expert" talks about both grief & joy. How we humans try & separate both, but how they are actually intertwined. How we are told & taught to suppress our pain & "place it in a box, with a lid on top", but how we should actually open the lid to let the pain out.

That we can't feel the joy without feeling the pain too.

How we actually live with both. We can learn how.

https://optionb.org/build-resilience/video/beyond-closure

...

It made sense to me. It explained much of what I've been feeling lately- not really knowing how or why.

Everyday we experience grief & almost everyday we experience joy. Even in the slightest form; a hot cup of coffee in the morning, a morning walk with Rocky or an ice cream cone in the afternoon. Big joys too- like watching Daddy recover from his disease, watching your sisters progress & move forward, our Haileyflies & rainbows. <3

There was a time I thought we could never feel joy again. When we started to- slowly but surely, we started to feel guilty about it too. How could we feel happy after losing you? Should we be? Is it ok to be? Those are the questions that plagued us.

In the video she explains that it is ok to feel joy again...& still feel grief too. That it's normal. That it doesn't have to be one or the other & that it's actually healing to do so.
...

So there will be rainy sad gloomy days.
There will be joyous ones too.
Some days will be both.
Such is life.
But grief will reside in all days...

And that may be ok. As long as we are still healing, growing & learning....

Most importantly- loving.

...

So if you see your mommy crying during Bella's recital & graduation:

They will be tears of both grief & joy; both intertwined.

For you. And her.

I love you my angel.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy <3

Start of Summer

FB post last year

 

~

After the storm

My sweet girl,

A horrible tragedy happened at an Ariana Grande concert the other night, in England. After the show ended, a suicide bomber killed 22 (so far) & more than 100 others. Many of them were kids. :(

Like many, I was so shocked when I heard the news. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Immediately I thought about dropping Sissy off at a concert just a week before, when she went to see The Weekend with Arian...

We dropped her off in DC- at a big venue in the middle of the city where this could of easily happened. When I started to really think about it & even imagine it I felt a panic attack coming on so I had to stop myself.

I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Mentally disturbed or not- it's just not right.

My heart & mind went to all those parents that will be embarking on this horrible journey; of being a bereaved parent. In such a horrific way- their babies lives were taken & they will have to live with this devastating pain for the rest of their lives.

There is nothing worse.

I don't know what the solution is. Where this world is headed. But it makes me sad & scared for your sisters. Of what kind of future is in store for them.
...

Sissy & I have been to see many shows these past couple years- so this came especially close to home. We've been to see One Direction, Selena Gomez, The Foo fighters, The Heart & Joan Jett show, Green Day, Metallica a few weeks ago, then just recently the one she went to see with Arian- "Able"- or The Weekend. She's been to a couple with her friends on her own too...

She has told me more than once how music has helps her deal, how she relates to it & going to concerts is a way for her to not only have fun but also release some of that negative stuff that builds up inside. I can relate to that. With my love of music & concerts, maybe I even taught her that.

Sissy has never wanted therapy, or to join any bereavement or church groups. She doesn't like to talk much about things- at least to me. I know she talks to Bella.

When I talked to the medium last month- she told me not to worry. She knew how Sissy & Bella deal with grief in different ways- how Sissy doesn't talk much about it. But she said (through you) that it's only because she doesn't want to upset me, to add to my grief. That in fact, she "is my biggest protector."

This touched me in so many ways my mouse. It made me cry. It shocked me too- how she knew such specific details & used those exact words- "In fact, she's your biggest protector." The reality is I knew it all along- I've known it forever. Sissy's the oldest. It was her & I from the beginning & I've always leaned on her as much as she leaned on me. She has seen & experienced so much & has seen me go through so much as well.
...

Sissy could very easily be that teenager that skips school, sneaks out, drinks or does drugs or fails her classes...

Like me when I was her age; an angry, hurt, confused teenager.

I listened to bands like Metallica because they were angry too & I could relate to them. I too questioned the world & I spoke out loud about the things I didn't like or agree with. I too shouted out in frustration- not in real life, but through music...

Sissy is not that type of teenager. Yes, she can be rebellious or angry or sad, of course. She may also like Metallica for that reason too. But mostly, we appreciate them as musicians, artists & performers. Where we go to shout or dance off our frustrations- is at the concerts.

I know it could be a lot worse. So I don't want to lose that. I don't want to take that away from her. I've given in to her wants of going to see different artists & shows, even though it's not cheap- because it's been Sissy's "therapy". If I can take off & take the time to drive Bella all the way out to see her therapist every month, this is the least I can do for Sissy & I get to have fun too.
...

Oh my mouse. I don't know anymore. It would be sad to have to live in a bubble because of fear. If I started to worry about one thing, what's to stop me from worrying about everything? We wouldn't go to concerts in fear of attacks, or sports arenas...or malls, schools, grocery stores...

It would never end because fear can be paralyzing.
...

I pray for those parents. I hope they can heal in some way. I know God has no control over what happened, but I wish he did. I wish someone did. Even so, I will pray.

This was our fun time at Metallica. Our special day- a great memory.

Why did we get ours & they didn't? :(

At Metallica.

I love you my mouse.

As I was writing a storm came through then suddenly I saw a bright light through the blinds & I knew.

I knew & I was waiting for it....

After the storm.

They say after every storm there is a rainbow, but that is not true. Only sometimes.

I wish nothing more for other families & friends to find their rainbows too.

...

One day I will be behind that rainbow too, with you.

I love you forever,
Your mommy

Babies

Baby girl,

We are nearing the end of the month. Memorial weekend, pool opens, Gabby's bday, Joshua's bday...(in reverse order).

We just celebrated Alina's bday on Sunday & watched Mia Anne the night before. It was our first time babysitting her- she's so adorable. Sissy had to work so it was just me & Bella. She was so excited to help babysit.

There's a special connection to her besides her having your middle name. :)

Auntie Alina thinks you had something to do with the blessing of Mia. She told me the day of your 2nd anniversary that she always felt a special connection between the two of you- that she talked to you when she was pregnant with her. It made me smile to hear it & I feel it too. <3

I know if you were here, we wouldn't of had a chance to even hold her. Bella & I smiled talking about it & picturing you hogging the baby all to yourself. We were talking about it when Alina came over for your bday celebration too. We were also talking & joking about "who would be next" in the family...

Auntie Carolina was telling us she had a dream that Uncle Mikey & Auntie Zulen were expecting. We guessed it would be either them or Horacio next.

Sure enough the very next day Uncle Mikey called & told me the great news, that they are in fact expecting! Immediately your sisters & I smiled saying that again- you had something to do with this baby too. :)

We laughed picturing you up there with a magic wand sprinkling fairy dust & sending babies down. I know once their baby would be born, you would of left Mia in the dust...

You had a tendency to do that with Papi & Ayde's babies. Natalia was your baby until Ricky was born. Then Ricky became your baby until Valeria was born. You quickly dumped Ricky & Val became yours. You always paid attention to the newest & youngest baby...but Joshua was always yours, even as he was grew up.

Always the mommy.

I know you are busy up there being the mommy too to all those precious angels.
...

I know you are happy about the new babies in the family too. But it makes me sad that these two babies won't know their mama Hailey. :(

It won't be the same, but we will try & give them the special love & attention you would give them...

The family is growing my mouse.

Life keeps changing & I'm just trying to keep up.

At least we are adding lives & not losing any. Always looking to be grateful for something.
...

I know I will always wonder how many you would of had. We always thought you'd have a full house full of babies, with your red Ferrari & many closets full of dresses & shoes. :|

I know they would of been beautiful babies- just like their mama. I would of been spoiling each one...

...

I love you my little girl.

I had the thought in my head today of what Fran (Juno's mom & your old babysitter) said to me in an email when she first found out...

She said that nothing more can happen after this...nothing bad.

That she didn't think God would be so cruel. That he would have mercy on us & that he would carry us through. That we could only be blessed from now on.

That made me think of what my aunts would say before you left too...the days I was going through a rough time with Daddy.

They promised God would carry us & that nothing bad would happen...

But they were wrong.

I hope Fran isn't wrong too.

I want to believe so bad that things will be ok from here on out.

Just one day at a time.

Goodnight my angel.

I love & miss you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

~

Superpowers

My sweet girl,

If I had one superpower, I'd choose to be able to manipulate time. To go back in time, to stop or freeze time...to make it move faster or slower.

The days seem to be flying by. Sometimes that's ok because I know each day gone brings me one day closer to you. Sometimes I wish the days would slow down so I could have more time to reflect, more time to absorb, more time to just be rather than just do.

More time to think of you.
...

I always think of you. But I can't always just stop to go visit the gardens, or a garden, or the beach, or the mountains or even church; to feel one with you. There is a difference. When this happens my missing you intensifies & it gets hard to breathe.

I've noticed that now when things get too busy or too overwhelming I shut down, where before I'd just refuel somehow & keep going in full force.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I lost the superpower I had before- of being a super mom, super wife & super woman.

I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I can't.

Maybe that's what they mean when people say, "A part of me died too..."
...

But in return some of us gain something too. Something else is born. A different kind of superpower.

The kind that makes me stop & breath in the scent of fresh air or fresh flowers. Notice the birds & the butterflies.
The kind that makes me look up in the sky with great wonder & belief & hope. Closing my eyes to absorb the sweet sun or stare at the twinkling of the stars.

The kind that connects my soul to yours in a way I cannot explain in those exact moments; while looking up & wishing on a star. Watching a glorious sunrise in the distance. Focusing on that one brightest star in the sky...watching a beautiful butterfly fluttering & twirling...at church in total silence in prayer...on top of a secluded mountain, just us & our thoughts of you.

Gaining this super power has saved me. It helps keep the rest of me alive.

Maybe it's ok that I lost my old one of being "super woman".

That's what grief does after all. It strips you down to pure humility. There is something beautiful about it, something to appreciate after all.

It's not the first choice anyone would make babygirl. But it's the aftermath...
...

So I'm learning to balance as I go. To use this new superpower. To stop & breath even on the busy days. To always make time for a sunrise or a sunset or a night sky. To stop & breath under the sun or rain. To look for you & to feel you close to me...even if for a minute each day.

But a long long minute. A minute with the deepest meaning, love & affection. The minute I need to help me live out the next thousand minutes...

So minutes don't turn into hours, turn into days without at least one hello.

You are forever in my heart. My sweet Hailey. My daughter. My mouse.

I love & miss you every single moment of my life.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

From a book I'm reading- Middlemarch

Mom of 3

My little girl,

I woke up yesterday missing you & just wanting to stay in bed all day. Daddy & Sissy both had to work & it just didn't feel like Mother's Day. I woke up first, with everyone else asleep, missing the days when you three would come to my room first thing in the morning with Mother's Day goodies.

We did manage to get up early enough to go out for breakfast & beat the crowd.

Sissy & I remembered how you & Bella would wear your chef & waitress outfits sometimes (once on Mother's Day) & you'd love to take everyone's drink orders. How you would love when I ordered something different (like a smoothie or hot chocolate with whip cream on top, something other than OJ.). You would write it down on your notepad that you kept in your outfit. It's still in the kitchen, folded up with your pen & pad. <3

Christmas morning when you first got your
outfits.

...

After breakfast I had to go see you at the gardens. It's the place where I wanted to close my eyes & feel your big bear hug, smell the scent of your beautiful brown wavy hair...

And I did baby girl.

Through tears & prayers, I felt your hug & your sweet embrace.

...

I also got some goodies from Daddy & your sisters. Some cards & flowers in a pretty butterfly painted vase & a beautiful card from grandma that had a big purple butterfly. In the card she said, "You are a great mom." That means a lot coming from Grandma.

Bella gave me a facial & foot massage. A mini spa treatment at home. This is what really lifted my spirits. We talked about all the times you would stand right beside me while I was getting ready & helped me with my outfits, staring while I did my hair & make-up.

I told Bella I could picture you right there sitting on my bed Indian style smiling & staring while she was giving me the spa treatment. :)
...

From there I did get ready & went to Papi's for Mother's Day dinner, where tio made a delicious meal. I got to sit outside in the sun & see Auntie. It was nice my mouse. I'm glad I went.

I could of easily stayed home & felt sorry for myself. But that's not what I wanted to do. It's not what I want to be.

It's just the hardest thing to have to continue with a broken heart. To learn to live with only half of one. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming.
...

Like I told you & your sisters yesterday- being a mommy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I'm not perfect but it's the best accomplishment- the best & most important thing I will ever do & be in my life.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not a thing my mouse. Being your mommy for almost 11 years was better than nothing at all.

And the truth is I will always be your mom. No matter what. I will always be in my heart.

 I will always be the mom of 3.

I love you my sweet girls.

Today & always,
Your mommy <3

Letter

My beautiful girl,

The other day I went to check on your balloons & drop this off & I saw something else that was left on your plaque.

It reminded me of you.

It was a envelope from Carly, left inside in a plastic bag to protect it from the rain...

It's so sweet my mouse that she stopped by. That she took the time to write you. That she loves & misses you & thinks about you.

It made all of us smile.

I took it home to place in your room so it wouldn't get lost or damaged.

Inside the envelope I'm sure is a letter.

I'm sure you know it's contents, it's heartfelt words, it's sweet sentiments.

I know you are smiling. I know it means as much to you as it does to us.

I know you will watch over her & send her a sign that you are always near. <3
...

Like I told you at the gardens baby girl. You made an impact with everyone you've met. You touched so many lives. You were & are still so loved, which is what makes it harder to be without you.

We love you so much little girl & miss you with all our hearts.

Mother's Day is this Sunday.

I will try not to be sad. I will think about the blessings I've had- all 3 of my girls. To have you all in my life. To have been chosen to be your mommy.

I will think of all the drawings & cards, all the mornings I woke up to sweet hugs & kisses, sometimes breakfast & coffee. :)

I will close my eyes & feel your tight bear hug around me.

I can't wait.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

My sweet girl,

Just because I don't get to write to you everyday, doesn't mean I don't think about you everyday. Even in the busiest of days, in the most random moments, you are on my mind.

Last night Sissy & I went to see Metallica at the M & T stadium. Just as it started to get dark I looked up in the sky & hovering clouds above the stadium. My mind went to you & like always, I said hi.

I can't wait to tell you more about it. Working this new early shift has me going to sleep early too, where before I would stay up late to write.

I miss you my little girl. So much. More & more each day.

Like I tell you at the gardens:

We are living each day as it comes, to the best of our ability. Trying to be better people & live a good life. The only thing I ask of Him is for strength each day & to take care of you until I see you again.

That is my prayer tonight too, before I go to bed.

I love you my beautiful girl.

For all eternity.
Your mommy <3

Goodnight

Birthday

My Angel,

Today we celebrated your birthday with the family. I have to admit it wasn't easy to do after this past week- after spending days crying, saddened & missing you.

I almost couldn't do it. But I thought about spending another day sitting here in the quiet & in the dark...in the silence of my thoughts or spending a day with the family talking, laughing, eating, blowing out some candles in your memory & keeping your memory alive...

I needed to find a way to break free from these grips of grief. So I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other.
...

It was nice my mouse. Your sisters made both a chocolate & vanilla cake for you (from scratch). We grilled some burgers & hotdogs. I made a yummy quinoa salad & other sides. While I was cutting up the cucumbers I remembered how they were your favorite veggie. How you would eat them like a snack, sometimes with ranch or hummus. How you would pack them for school...I don't forget any of those things.

Auntie made some yummy pasteles. She left the boys at home to get a little break...

I was telling her how I did that a few times, when I felt myself on a brink. Sometimes I'd go to the movies or shopping by myself. Once I went to Kohl's & I was taking my time- you called & left a message saying you were worried & scared because I was taking so long. That you love me & you miss me.

I still have that message baby girl. I have it saved on my phone.

I've played it many times. It makes me sad because of the words...I imagine you saying them to me from where you are now. This is where my mind always goes.
...

I know it makes Papi & Tio uncomfortable- to celebrate your birthday without you being here. Only because it hurts them, because it's a painful reminder. Men grieve differently. They don't like to talk about it.

It is for all of us too. But it means so much that they still came, that all the of the people I care about are there for us when we need them. Even if it's uncomfortable or painful- which I hope it wasn't too much.

What I hope you saw was your family who loves you very much, getting together to remember you & know you are always in our heart.

We love you always my beautiful girl. I can tell the kids enjoy it & look forward to it. They get excited when it's time to blow out your candles. It makes me smile that they still remember & talk about you.  <3
...

Having them here helped me break free from the clasps. I have to remind myself not to isolate myself so much the next time...that we are not alone. That we have too many that care.

Some things never change. <3

I love you with all my heart.

I hope today made you smile.

I miss you.

Goodnight my angel.

Love always,
Mommy

13th birthday

My beautiful girl,

The rain has started & is supposed to get heavier & continue through Saturday, so we went today to place some balloons at the gardens. Just Bella & I. Daddy & Sissy were at work.

I wanted to make sure you at least had some balloons for your birthday. <3

For your 13th birthday in Heaven.

Bella & I wished you a happy birthday from all of us. We smiled thinking of what a big bash you're probably going to have with all your angel friends. Now that you will officially be a teenager.

Hoping that you will be here with us too, because we will be celebrating you all weekend. Just like we would of been...

I'm going to make your favorite French toast tomorrow morning & have kabobs for dinner- from your favorite place in the mall. Who knows if you would of moved on to other things by now- other "favorites", but it's what we know you used to love. So we will make it a tradition to eat & do your favorite things...to just remember you.

Not that we could ever forget.
...

You are always with us baby girl.

Even during the busiest of times- you are always on our minds. This past week has been especially busy, with me setting up to work from home, Bella & her SOL's (we've been helping her study every night), Sissy working extra days & hours at work (I told her she can't work more than 4 nights a week & no more than 25 hours so they're supposed to ease up on her schedule until summer) & Daddy too- finally getting busier at work which means longer days...

Today was my first full day working here & everything went smoothly. Bella has her hardest SOL (science) tomorrow & Sissy is off Saturday. So I'm hoping that if we get through tomorrow- we can have the family over on the weekend for some cake & food to celebrate your beautiful life, our beautiful mouse & wish you a happy birthday.

Hopefully, things will continue to get less stressful from here. More smoothly. Less painful.
...

Please if you can, my mouse, be close to your sister tomorrow during her test. She's been nervous about it as it is & upset that it fell on your birthday.

I tell your sisters all the time of how proud I am of them & that how a silly test won't determine how truly smart they are. But I'm proud of her either way for being brave & going in on such a meaningful day. I told her if she can make it through the test, I'd pick her up from school right after.

I know she will need your angel power, to give her strength to get through it without any added anxiety...

I love you baby girl.
...

As for me- I will try & remind myself of all the signs & messages you've left me to let me know you are more than ok. That you are always close.

Like the flashback I just had when I mentioned the kabob place- when we went to eat there for the first time after you passed. I felt such grief & anxiety going there & I was trying to hide it from your sisters to not upset them....

Then right there at the entrance of the food court I looked down & there was a purple butterfly on a purple popsicle stick. A craft someone made- the butterfly cut out from a purple, soft felt-like material with a purple heart glued in the center, sprinkled with purple sparkles, glued to popsicle stick someone colored with a purple marker...

I thought, no no this can't be a coincidence. What are the chances?

I wanted to cry with joy & with anguish all at the same time.

Maybe I will tomorrow too.
...

I cannot promise anything my beautiful girl, except to love you forever.

<3

Goodnight Hailey.

Have a great birthday ok?

Visit if you can.

Love,
Mommy <3

My mouse,

I'm really exhausted tonight but I wanted to let you know that I'm happy for my sign today & for the dream I had of you yesterday. I will write more about it later but I just want to tell you I love you so much baby girl & I don't want or mean to be sad but I just miss you that's all. I will have to learn to live with just my signs & memories, which I know are precious.

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Forever,
Your mommy

Beam me up

"Beam Me Up" by Pink

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playin' frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're lookin' at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.