Wishes

My dear baby girl,

I don't know how to begin to tell you all the things that have happened since I last wrote. Sometimes I ask why even bother, since you probably already know- always watching from above. You might even have a better understanding, or special insight because you are our special angel.

But then again maybe not...maybe you are just as confused & confounded as we are. Either way, I'd still love to tell you & share the things you don't see, or can't hear. The thoughts that run silently through my head to the outside world, but ring noisily in my own mind. The feelings that lie there deep down inside, that can only be uncovered through these letters.

We miss you so much Hailey. If you are watching...if you are around, I wish so much that I can hug your spirit & tell you that everything will be alright. Just like I do with your sisters. To kiss you & wipe the tears away...

My hope is that there are no tears, because you already have the knowledge that we will get through this. My hope is high, because I feel an invisible crutch holding me up at the moment & I think that it is you. I can't explain it, other than it feels like a spiritual life line. Like I'm being encircled by a peaceful glowing halo & I feel protected. My sweet angel, it must be you.

Others think it's me. They say I'm strong, that I'm tough. But it's the furthest thing from the truth. If it wasn't for this life line, this crutch...I'm afraid I would fall into oblivion & never return.

Thank you my sweet girl.

***********

Yesterday, despite everything, there are two things that stood out to me the most. The first was; the 4 random pennies that appeared in my path throughout the day. I noticed the first one early in the morning, at the parking lot at work, just as I got out of the van. I didn't pay much attention because I was running late.

The second was at the gas station (Wawa) as I was pumping gas. I noticed it but didn't pay it no mind because it looked like it had been stepped on a few times. There's always change on the ground in those places... I did notice it was on heads though.

The third one though was on our front lawn, on the grass by our little garden. I noticed it only because I always check on your flowers before I come in the house. There it was just laying there almost all covered by grass...an older, less shiny penny. It made me pause & think & question. But I don't know why, I didn't pick it up & just left it there. I believe it was on heads...but I'm not completely sure.

I saw the fourth one, a bright shiny newer one, on heads, on the steps going up to the entrance of the ER that we took Daddy to yesterday.

This was one was very noticeable. Not surrounded or covered or hidden or dirtied. Right there in plain sight, my mouse. I saw it & it made me cry as we walked up to the front doors.  I could of easily collapsed right there and checked myself in as well as your Daddy. I was just so distraught, so exhausted. The thing we feared most was happening, like another terrible nightmare...

But I didn't. Your sisters were there too & just as upset. I thought about your pennies & accepted them as signs that once again, we were going to get through this.

********

The second thing was- us being in the van after dropping Daddy off, on our way home & wiping some of Sissy's tears away while she was sitting next to me. I looked over & she had an eyelash on her cheek. I took it & held it in front of her...told her to close her eyes, make a wish & blow. She looked at me with saddened eyes & said, "I don't make wishes." I looked at her and asked her why. She said, "I don't believe in them." With that, we both started to cry.

It broke my heart, Hailey. I can't tell you how deeply it affected me to hear your sister say that, because I knew she meant it. She usually keeps everything bottled up, showing little emotion. It always worries me. So, those few words, those two little sentences, spoke volumes.

I wish I could take that pain away....to make her believe again. To go back in time & change things, to have all those bad painful things seen, undone & unseen.

I vowed last night before I went to bed, that I would do whatever possible to make her believe again. Her & Bella too...

We have to believe my angel. We have to dream. We have to wish. What good is living, if we can't live without believing?

It's true, that not all wishes come true. I've had my heart broken & had my share of disappointments due to believing, dreaming & wishing. Life is not perfect. It's not all unicorns & rainbows...maybe Sissy is smarter & less naïve than I. Maybe she won't be foolish to make some of the mistakes I've made, because maybe I've believed too much.

But I do know I wouldn't of made it this far, specially after losing you...if I had lost my will to believe. I would of never had you to begin with either, my sweet girl.

As for wishes & dreams it's true, you have to make most come true too, all by yourself sometimes.

My wish to see you again, I know will come true one day...
My wish for us to heal first, to make your sisters believe & trust again, is going to come from hard work, strength & love. That wish, my mouse, I will have to make come true.

I won't stop believing that it can happen.

I love & miss you with all my heart.

Forever & always,

Your mommy <3

Saw this just today, left from the sleepover this past
weekend with Daniela & Natalia. Looks like we ran
out of E's. :) I always see the signs my Hailey..

~

 

my mouse~ I love you

From sweet Natalia

 

Dear, Vanessa

 

I'm  really sad about what happed to Hailey. I wish Diabetes was not real :( . I know Hailey Loves us with all her heart and we do to I wish she was here everyday so she can be with us. I am really sorry. <3

 

 

Over

My precious girl,

I was wrong.

I was wrong about many things...

This world is a devastating place.

I love you.

Mommy

Haymarket Day

My sweet girl,

We went to the Haymarket Festival after Bella's (which her was her first win) game this Saturday. We took Daniela & Natalia & they had a lot of fun. We got little mermaid, butterfly, angel & fairy figurines made of pewter & colored stones. They had their faces painted too, just like you girls did last year.

Haymarket Day 2014

Pretty butterflies

This year.

I was remembering all the festivals we ever went to. How much you always enjoyed them. We smiled recalling how last year you & Bella got infatuated with these pink dolphin bubble guns, that you saw some other kids playing with. You begged me to buy one for each of you (because of course you couldn't share), saying "Please Mommy. That's the only thing I want!" And of course...I couldn't say no.

We followed the bubbles all the way to the other side of the festival until we finally found them. The Jamaican guy was all smiles selling them for $10 a pop, batteries included. He even put them in, so you both could get to bubble making right away...you both loved it. Yours is still on your dresser where you left it...

*******

The best part of my day was seeing your friend Carly. We ran into her on the street near the vendors. She smiled & shyly waved hi. I waved & smiled back. It looked like she was with her brother & Dad. A few more times I saw her again & she did the same. Until finally we met by the moon bounces & she came up & gave me a nice big hug. :) As we were talking about how she likes middle school & the One Direction concert (apparently she is a big fan like Sissy)- her Dad & brother walked up. They both introduced themselves. It took him a little while for him to realize I am your mom...

He apologized for "being awkward" & gave us his deepest condolences. Said he never met you, but heard a lot about you from Carly. He is a native New Yorker, big talker with the accent & frankness that I miss. Compared to many North Virginian's who are more reserved, fake & stuffy.

It was good to see her, my mouse. I could tell she had wanted to come up to me the first time I saw her, but maybe she was just shy at first. I told her Dad that our door is always open & I would love to keep in touch with all your friends.

So here we are my beautiful angel. Trying to keep going with life. Things are not perfect. Very rocky in fact. But there's been a change in me that I cannot explain....other than I'm no longer afraid.

I feel as though the worst thing that could possibly happen to me has; therefore nothing else in this world could compare. Realistically, there are 2 things. But I dare not think, say or write them. Because that would be the end. Of everything...

That is all for today my beautiful girl. Before I let my mind wander into places it shouldn't...

I love & miss you so much. It hurts me not to have you here by my side.

Come visit me in my dreams if you can.

Always, always,
Your mommy <3

~

5 months

My beautiful girl,

Yesterday was a day of deep sadness, reflection & love all at the same time. I couldn't bring myself to write anything but those simple words of "I love you", because out of everything that I was thinking & feeling...those words are what stood out above everything else.

I couldn't bring myself to go to work either. I didn't sleep much the night before after watching the movie Wild (again). It made me think of you & my mom. Ironically, it was the last book I read before our trip to Bolivia. I've placed that too, under the list of; "Weird, ironic & coincidental things" connected to the trip & what happened.

It's not that I like or want to torture myself by watching these kind of movies, or reading these kind of books. I know you must see me cry & wonder why I do. It's that there are good messages & meanings behind them baby. I can relate & I don't feel so alone.

They are also proof of a possibility that something beautiful can come of something tragic. The real story to me though, is about the journey it took to get there. From the tragic to the beautiful. We learn by sharing each other's journeys. We learn & we don't feel so alone...

I write to you about ours, but hope to one day be brave enough to share it with others too. To help them on their path, like so many have helped me.  

*********

Of course it's not an easy path baby girl. Yesterday was a tough day for all of us. All I wanted to do, was to spend the day with your sisters & the family. Safe in our little circle of love, remotely away from the rest of the world.

Chrissy took Kayla out for brunch & to get their nails done. This is the second time they've hung out together. I thought it was really nice & sweet of her. They really get along & Chrissy is positive, fun & outgoing. A great influence for your sister, who has been so busy with school work & I worry maybe too wrapped up in the problems & issues of the house. She has her friends from school, but it's always nice to have that somebody in your life that is like a breath of fresh air, that breaths some new life into your soul. We are so lucky to have her, my mouse. More than just a friend, she is family.

We are also lucky to have Auntie.  Her & the boys met us at the church where we had your service. We met after mass was over, because I like it better there when it's peaceful & silent. Even though I'm clueless about reciting the "correct" prayers, have no idea which Saint is who...or which statue represents what...

It's something about the sense of peace & calm when I enter that is somewhat soothing. Soothing to a hurting & wounded soul. It's one of the few places I can let myself feel vulnerable enough to reach deep & not be afraid of what I might find. Because if it is, something I don't like, I can release it then & there. Then ask for strength & forgiveness...if not to the wounded man hanging on the cross above me, then at least to myself.

********

And that is just what I did my angel. I released some of the anguish & pain in my heart, that had been building up. Auntie did too. I was sorry to see her cry. Knowing she felt pain too. But what was important is that we were there together. Supporting each other. Not only sharing our sorrow but our love too.

I hope you also heard my prayers to you.

The kids lit almost every prayer candle in the church for you. They ran around to each display they could find. Of course we heard hollering when they found the purple candle holder ones. It's a good thing we had the church to ourselves (almost). :)

Then we went to pick up some flowers, baby pumpkins & Kayla to go to the gardens. Each kid got one & wrote their names with a small message for you. Daniela & Natalia were there too. They each placed one around the flowers. I hope the local deer don't like to eat pumpkins... :(

It doesn't get any easier my mouse. Last night, we talked with Sissy & Bella about how we know you are around us but how we wish you could talk back. How we wish we could see you. Hear your voice, listen to your funny laugh. We just miss you, that's all. I know that will never go away. Just like our love will never go away.

No matter the days, months or years that pass,
Your light will never fade from our eyes.
Our love will never fade from our hearts.
It was made stronger the day you left.
We will carry it with us always,
Having enough to keep for ourselves,
and enough to share with the world.

We love & miss you,

Forever & ever...

Forever, your mommy. <3

Sunshine

This showed up on my Facebook memories...you were just 7 years old.

I love you so so so so so much too my Hailey. I've tried my best. You and your sisters have always meant the world to me. That sun above me represents that. That sun is my girls.

Like I used to sing to all 3 of you when you were babies:

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine....

I love you always,

Mommy



Hailey,

I love you.

Mommy

~

  

 

 

Piece of the rainbow

My beautiful girl,

Last week when I mentioned we needed you more than ever, it was because Daddy lost his job. The worst part of it is, it wasn't even his fault. He was left with a choice of accepting a pay cut or resigning. Daddy wouldn't accept the pay cut, so he was basically forced to leave. Very undeserved.

I know you must remember how hard Daddy always worked. How many hours he worked; sometimes 12-13 hour days, 6 days a week, just one day off & rotating Sundays. Never calling out, going in earlier & leaving later than necessary. Most times skipping lunch, filling in for others when they got sick or on vacation, because he knew how to do their job too...

How I would always complain of him being gone so much. How much he missed out on family time. Working during the holidays, birthdays & weekends. Missing school functions, plays & recitals. I would always half joke that I was a single mom of 4, because it was always just me & you girls.

I realized of course, that is the price we had to pay to live a comfortable life. Since that is the way with everything in life...

There is a price to pay for everything.

That, and the fact that it was always better for Daddy to work rather than stay idle. That is my main worry now. Thank goodness, we have money saved for emergencies. But who knows how long that will last, or how long it will take Daddy to find another job. There are big obstacles we have yet to overcome.

Life is never easy.

As for me, I went back to work earlier this week. I was cleared to return by the surgeon who checked me. I'm feeling much better, so I'm thankful for that.

My angel...we are trying to stay positive & responsible. Daddy was hurt & disappointed about what happened & how it all went down. It just goes to show that sadly, loyalty rarely exists anymore. Everything that was ever taught to us by our fathers; to do good & good will come back to you...is barely true anymore. Everyone is out to get one another & save themselves.

Part of me, & I know Daddy too wishes we could run away somewhere. Even if for just a little while. Our grief tells us it's ok, that we in fact need it. Since we are still trying to cope. But reality says no way.

Sissy started high school, is in the AP scholars program & so far is doing great. Bella started soccer & joined chorus. The last thing they need is more disruption in their life. Plus, the busier they are the better.

The only positive light in all this, is that Daddy & I have been able to spend some time together. To be there for one another, like it used to be. Something that was lost those first couple of months after we returned from the trip.

He only took a week off from work before he plunged right back into it. Working long hours, always gone, taking no time to rest or grieve. I, alone.

Neither of us stronger than the other. Neither of us, able to hold the other one up. It was like we were both just barely standing, facing opposite directions, with our backs to one another, leaning...just barely leaning. Enough to hold each other up, but trying carefully not to lean too much, as to make the other one fall.

While he was at work, I was home in the thick of my pain & sadness. He would come home & see me not knowing what to say or do. In his moments, I didn't know what to say or do either. Sometimes all we could do, is cry & hold each other.

Somewhere in the silence of our pain, we started to slowly drift from one another. To the point of almost getting lost. I can remember those days, nights, weeks, months, wondering if we'd end up losing each other permanently, in this thing they call "the grief process". Like it mentioned in all those books....how most married couples didn't survive the loss of a child.

I didn't want that to happen baby girl. I must of prayed that something happen or change to help us. I didn't know what that "something" was though.

But now I believe that maybe this was it. Hard to imagine that, that "something" had to be so drastic, like Daddy losing his job.

Looking down now, I'm sure you can see him resting & also grieving for you. Something he had to keep on the back burner for work's sake. Now you know, why we have been visiting you more often at the gardens. Why Daddy picked out a bouquet of fresh cut flowers for you last week...because he hasn't had the chance. He was always at work, or trying to rest from work.

It's amazing the way things turn out in life, my girl. I'm sure even if I were to live forever, I would still never figure things out. Maybe they aren't meant to be figured out. We have control over so many few things.

Sometimes, when we're too tired to keep swimming, we just float. That is where we are for now, just floating to keep above water. No island or land in sight.

Just a little piece of a rainbow in the distance, light but noticeable amongst the dark clouds..

Like the little piece of rainbow we saw on the 4th month anniversary of your passing. On that exact day, after a big storm passed, we went out to the deck to take this picture. I knew it was you sending us another sign....

So we will keep floating, gathering our strength to swim once again.

Always in view of the rainbow.

When we swim, it will be in that direction too.

Even if it's that little piece, it's enough to show some rays of color.

Because in a dark world,

A little piece of rainbow, is better than nothing.

Thank you for the rainbow, my beautiful angel.

We love you so much.

My heart aches to hold you again.

Missing you always,

Forever, your mommy.

Four & an angel

My dear Hailey,

It's finally starting to feel like fall. Cool mornings, warm afternoons & fresh brisk evenings with a sky full of stars. I usually love this time of year. I love the change of seasons. I like change in general. I guess your mommy has always had a tendency to get bored easily.

I was looking forward to getting that announcement from mother nature, telling us it's ok to trade in our flip flops for boots, our tank tops for sweaters & our shorts for jeans. To start seeing the color changes in the trees...

But when our first cool morning came, just a couple days ago, I felt another wave of grief hit instead. I thought; it's the end of summer & the beginning of fall. Another chapter ending, and a new one beginning....without you.

Looking for my shoes one morning before work, in the downstairs coat closet, in the dark, I accidently picked up your black fall boots from last year. That did my heart in for the day. Later, I placed them in my bedroom closet. Instead of banishing every article of clothing, shoes, flip flops, or jackets to your room...I want to leave some things as they are & some closer to me. Where I can see them everyday & have a little part of you near.

We are always trying to be strong, my girl. I know you can see that. These last few nights, with the clear & starry skies...we stood out in the front gazing where the view is best. Saying hello & talking to you. We are always trying..

But when the grief comes it's uncontrollable. It's only been almost 5 months. This is still so new & raw. Most people have moved on with their same lives. We are still trying to adjust to our new ones.

One day your sisters & I went to Brooklyn Bro's to have dinner. As soon as we sat down, Bella was in tears & I immediately knew why. There in the corner were the arcade games & the claw machine you would both always play with. Each time, you'd beg me for spare change until I learned to save all my quarters for whenever we'd have dinner there. You would both play until the mozzarella sticks (your favorite) were ready, steaming hot on your plates.

Sissy & I would always just chat. This time, I asked her to please play the games with Bella. Including the claw machine. I even gave her extra change in hopes they would win something, and they did! Sissy won her a pink & yellow stuffed bear which Bella named "Hailey Rose".  :)

I don't know if you helped, my mouse, but I do know Bella was very happy. It made her forget a little bit & gave your sisters a chance to bond. It made it so we could finish our meal there, without feeling complete sadness. Hopefully that means, we'd be ok to go back there again too.

Telling any waitress or waiter, "table for 4" has been one of the hardest things to have to get used to, baby girl. I can remember in the very beginning, our first times out to a restaurant...even while still in Bolivia. Going to eat with the family, after your service & our good bye dinner...

Those first few days when we were still numb, shock & in a daze...I can still remember the first time at a restaurant being asked, "How many?" Me automatically answering "Five", then seconds later realizing...no, no longer five. It's just four now. Just four of us.

It was like being punched in the gut. Being slapped in the face. Like when people say, "pinch me so I know it's real". The pain I felt with just that one word: Four. Made.it.so.real.

It's still like that sometimes. Last weekend it happened again, when we went to Eggspectations. A place, just like Ihop, that we only went to when Daddy was off. Since he was with us, we would get the big table. We would sit in the same tables, each time. This time, the waitress at Eggspectations sat us a smaller booth for 4, right across the big round table we would always sit in.

Daddy & Sissy sat with their backs to the table, but Bella & I could see it. As soon as she started crying on my arm, I knew why. We both sat there, looking at our table, remembering old times. Envisioning our family sitting, with you there...just the way were. The way it used to be.

Daddy & Sissy were sad too, but better at controlling their tears. Bella & I seem to share the same soul however. All I could do was hug her, kiss the top of her head, cry with her & tell her "I know baby, I know. I'm sorry. I love you. Your sister loves you too."

We talked about it a little, between all of us. Then I joked that you were there with us, probably sitting on top of Daddy's head or shoulders, playing tricks & smiling. That made Bella laugh & smile. Then we all laughed & smiled.

It will never be just the four of us baby girl.

It will always be "Four and an angel".

That's us now & hope it will always be.

Until we see you again,

You are always with us, alive in our hearts & minds.

Not a day passes we don't think of you.

Our love will always be for eternity..

Forever, your Mommy

Mouse art

From another notebook I found by my nightstand, along

   with your crayon/pencil box & clipboard. Left from one

of the many nights you'd sleep in my bed, right beside me.

 Where it will still be... <3

H.A.E original

Mommy being bored

Quotes you copied on a sticky- wish I knew from where. It's like you
left it just for me...

My fashion mouse



I will always try to remember this. Thank you. xoxo

Sketches

My mouse,

We were cleaning out the car one day & I found one of your notebooks in the back pocket of my seat. I skimmed through it and found some of your sketches. Like everything I find of yours, it becomes a treasure.



Too cute.

You traced the pattern of a napkin (left) to the page (right),
 using black permanent marker. Tracing dot by dot...

You would always draw when you were bored. In the car, at home or in school. Always so patient, taking your time with patterns, practicing anything new you just learned over & over until you had it down...

I used to have that patience too. Poor Auntie shared a room with me when I was a teen & knows from first-hand experience that instead of sleeping at night, I'd have the lights turned on listening to music either writing, drawing or even painting sometimes. I'd go to the craft store for Christmas and paint decorations & create gifts for all my friends. They'd have their own personal jewelry boxes, candle holders, you name it. I'd literally spend hours upon hours on a project & loved every minute. :)

Watching you drawing, making those rainbow loom bracelets with those intricate patterns, or even when you'd practice those different kind of cool braids on your sisters hair, would remind me of me...When I was younger. :)

Of course, life gets in the way as you get older. I still enjoy those things, just don't have time. If I could, I would quit my job and just write to you all day, my precious girl.

But I've been thankful for the time I do have. I've been lucky that through the bereavement leave & now sick leave, recovering from surgery, that I've at least been able to write. To you.

I love you my beautiful girl.

Everyday of my life I will love you and then more...

I always look for your patterns in the skies.

The other day we were driving back home & we saw this:

It looked like someone took a paintbrush & got to work. So beautiful. I wouldn't be surprised if it was you. :) And if you look at it in different angles, you can almost make out a figure with wings...

Natalia said that one day, while we were talking about purple skies & rainbows. She said she thinks you have a magic wand up there, that you use whenever you want, to create all the pretty colors of the sunsets & rainbows.

I hope you do my little artist. I hope you do.

We'll always be checking, just in case.

See you in my dreams,

Forever your mommy. <3

Precious angel

Dear Hailey,

Today Daddy & I went to visit you at the gardens. Just the two of us, while your sisters were at school. We miss you so much little girl. We couldn't help but cry & hold each other. We talked to you too. Daddy told you about how Bella convinced us to buy her Chick Filet & take it to her lunch at school today. But we wanted to see you first, because we knew you'd be jealous.

We told you how much we love & miss you, and that we know we're going to see you one day. Daddy said, "he can't wait."

We also wanted to make sure they did as promised, to lay some seeds & hay down on your spot there, to let some grass grow. Every time we visit, we are constantly pulling weeds out, but grass never grows. It looked nice at first....the day after the service.

Well, they did as promised. We are still working on your plaque. We told you that today too. That soon it won't look so bare. It's taken a longer time than usual because the first set of pictures we submitted were of "poor quality", according to the company that makes it. I guess because most of them were taken on my old cell phone, they looked ok on the computer but not great when printed out. :(

I've spent many many hours sorting pictures, my mouse. I wonder if you saw me here at home, surrounded by albums & boxes, trying to find the right ones. It was hard, because there are so many. It's been gut wrenching & therapeutic at the same time. So many pictures, so many memories of good times....they are all precious to me my beautiful girl.

So we submitted some new pictures. Again, they have to go through the approval & draft process. Another several weeks....if they come back again with something we are just going to the cancel the picture plaque & go with something more simple. We just want the best for you, something special, like you. Thanks to all the donations we received, we are able to make that happen. In the meantime, they gave us as a temporary plaque. One for the gardens & one for home.

This is the temporary one; the simple plaque.

We stand there looking down at you. I see your name. The dates. It still doesn't seem real...

It's like I'm looking at someone else's...visiting someone else. How can it possibly be you? When did this happen? How?

Why?

But it is real. Very real. So real that the reality of it swallows me whole...and I don't have the energy or motivation to fight my way out. I just sit there...allowing the grief to eat away at me.  Piece by piece, every inch of my heart.

We still have our good & bad days my mouse. Please don't worry. Visiting you always brings up these unexplainable feelings. Yet, we could never NOT. We comfort ourselves in knowing that only a part of you rests there.

That the real you, is free. Soaring high in the skies above, amongst the stars, moon & sun. Swimming as an enchanted mermaid in the bluest of seas. Laughing, dancing, & playing with your angel babies & friends. Up there in the heavens, knowing a kind of beauty we could only dream of.

The real you also lives in our hearts. Filling us with love & joy, just like you did here on Earth. Our memories of you, filling some of the emptiness & easing the pain of missing you.

The real you exists in all of us that loved you, and love you still. In everything that is beautiful.

Everything that is precious. Like you.

Our precious angel.

You were & will always be.

We will never forget.

Love you baby girl,

Always & forever,

Your mommy. <3

Labor Day

My beautiful girl,

I tried not to think of today as the "dreaded Monday", or of it being another holiday without you. But sometimes it's hard not to. While Daddy made breakfast with his special grits, & Sissy slept in after seeing "5sauce" in concert last night, Bella & I went out on the deck admiring the beautiful morning skies, so clear & bright. I always look for you...I always say hi. Bella joined me this morning, and we just held each other in tears thinking of you.

These last few days were quiet & boring, so we wanted to have the family over to spend the last day of summer with & also to celebrate Dylan's 9th birthday. We cooked out on the grill, enjoying the sun on the deck. Unfortunately, when it was time to take the kids to the pool, Dylan didn't feel good & stayed here with Auntie. He must of felt really sick to skip the pool. :(

I was worried & maybe a little over paranoid about his symptoms, after he complained of a stomach ache, had a little bit of labored breathing & just overall looked pale & sick. It just brought me back to that night before we took you to the hospital. I told Auntie what to look out for, in case he turned worse overnight...to just take him to the ER or an urgent care clinic & make sure they check his sugar. I didn't mean to scare her, but never again will I take any chances.

Funny, he seemed to feel better once Papi brought the cake. But then sick again before he left...

I don't know baby. I guess with what happened & after reading so many diagnosis stories from other type 1 moms, including Christina & Yasmeen, it just scares me. They all start out the same...flu like symptoms, misdiagnosed until they end up in the ER already in bad shape. The majority of them overcome that stage called DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). Others have not. You did not.... :(

It's another letter for another time my beautiful angel. There is just so much emotion attached to that, to what happened. Questions unanswered. Some of which I may have answers to soon. Long story.....but I don't know if they will cause more harm than good. I just don't know... What I do know, is that I have to know either way. I'm your mommy. I just have to.

I mean it started with you having a stomach ache one day & you were gone from us a couple days later. I will never be ok with that. It happened so fast...it was all a blur. Yet sometimes I recall every horrible detail. It's a harsh reality that is still hard to understand, to accept. It tears me apart each time I think about it. So for now, I'll have to stop.

I'm so sorry my angel.

I love you with all my heart my sweet girl. I have to believe that you are an angel in heaven, our angel & that God had a reason for taking you. That you are in a better place. I know...I know....

I will be praying for Dilly tonight & check up on him tomorrow. Please visit him tonight if you can, my angel.

I miss you.

Forever, your Mommy <3

lil' Jimi

My mouse,
 

I found this picture in plastic bin I had forgotten about in the garage. I haven't been able to stop looking at it. I smile & cry at the same time.

This was dated 8/5/08. You were just 4 years old. I called you my little Jimi Hendrix because you wore your hair loose & tangled.

You're so cute. So adorable. You always had these beautiful sad looking eyes. "Hojitos tristesitos". Mi hija linda. Te amo. Te extraño mucho....

 

 

I love & miss you.

Forever & ever,

Your Mommy



Life's Battles

My dear baby girl,

Have lots on my mind and trouble sleeping. Maybe it's because I haven't written you in a couple days. Even though we went to visit you at the gardens today. Even though we talk to you at random times & about you all the time to one another...

Writing to you when I'm alone, in silence (most of the time), is something I look forward to. It's a way for me to still "talk" to you, try to come to terms with all that's happened & sort out some of the chaos in my mind. You always had a way of making me feel better...my sweet girl. I miss our talks.

I wish I had some good news to report other than; I'm feeling much better since the surgery. But if it's not one thing, it's another. It seems like life is determined to keep testing us baby girl. I get so weary & tired of fighting all these battles. I can't understand why this is happening to us. But then, I know we are not the only ones.

I turn on the news or read things on the internet that show both the beauty & darkness of this world, that leave me inspired & depressed all at once. It's pretty dark out there right now baby. It makes me scared for your sisters & their future.

But for now I can only worry about us, making sure our family is ok. Making sure we get through now another obstacle. Saving the small amount of energy & hope I have to keep fighting. What else can we do?

Your sisters are trying to recover too. Feeling vulnerable & sensitive, looking to me for strength. Watching my actions & reactions to everything. So I try to be strong. But like Auntie said in a message this morning, "You aren't made of steel." And it's true. I'm not. But where to go from there? I don't know. How much can one person take? I don't know.

I know you are watching from above, my sweet angel. I hope you know the reasons & answers that are a mystery to us. I hope you are not sad. I hope you can call to God & all your angel friends to give us some extra strength right now. And if not, that's ok too.

I will just think about all the other times I've been in tears, in agony, or said your name out loud; and I hear your sweet voice once again, "Don't worry mommy, everything's going to be alright."  I think of your Haileyfly at the beach. All your Haileyflies, all those times...

Our precious angel. My sunshine...

I will fight until I can't no more.

Until it's time, to be with you.

I miss you Hailey. I love you...

Always & forever,
Your mommy.

Angel prayer

My dear angel,

Needing you now more than ever.

Love you.

Forever you mommy. <3

"Angel of God, my Guardian dear, to whom His love commits me here, ever this day (or night) be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen."

September

My beautiful girl,

Today is the first day of September. Not officially the end of summer yet, but soon. It feels strange to have your sisters back in school before Labor Day with the weather still in the mid 90's. It's the first year the county is doing this...let's see how it goes. Summer was always your favorite season. What other season would a mermaid prefer?

Yesterday was a tough day for me, but made a little easier with the help of Grandma & Jaylen. Uncle Chris picked Sydney & Camryn up Saturday because Syd had a concert to go to (5 sauce). So Jaylen stayed behind to help with their first day & so Grandma wouldn't have to drive back home alone. Jaylen woke up early, did their hair & even walked with them to their bus stop.

Unfortunately, Aunt Didi is not crazy about having her girls' pictures posted...so I couldn't include Jaylen in these. But I still have to give her credit for being their stylist. :)

After your sisters left, just the two of us sat on the couch watching Belle, while Grandma cleaned & packed up. Then they left...

I've always said God gave me Grandma as a gift, like a second mom. She's always been there and has unconditional love for all of us. She cooked, cleaned, took Daddy to work, helped with grocery shopping, took your sisters to get their nails & hair cut for back to school...and wouldn't go until I told her it was ok to. We are lucky to have her. We are lucky to have all of them.

I hope Jaylen doesn't mind me sharing this from her Instagram. She tagged me this yesterday and it made me cry, but they were happy tears...

At the school garden.

So sweet and amazing, like her. <3 

We love and miss you baby. Always thinking of you. I got some texts and messages from your friends' moms, thinking of you for back to school. It always means a lot when they remember. It just goes to show you how special you are & how much of an impact you made in all our lives.

I meant to show you these last week. This flower was left by Kimi & Katelyn, on a day when we planned for the pool but it ended up raining...

It was very thoughtful of them. The orchid is so pretty & it reminds me of you. That plant arrangement with the white ceramic angel planter is a gift we got in the mail from one of Daddy's banks from work a while ago. He even talks about you with them.








Then, Auntie Zulen posted this on your angel web page last week. A bonsai tree they dedicated to you.

I love it.



10 years, 11 months, 15 days you lived on this Earth and gave us joy. A gift so priceless, so precious that it broke us to have to give you back. It wasn't our choice. But we will always look back on the memories of you with joy. A joy so rich & pure, that it will fill our hearts again & again.

I love you my beautiful girl.

Throughout all the days, weeks, months & seasons...

Always & forever,

Your mommy <3