Strength

My dear Hailey,

This month is coming to an end & half the summer is already gone. It feels like we're running out of time, but for what? I don't know...

We are still getting by, day by day. Trying to adjust to this "new normal" as they call it. But it doesn't feel normal without you. I doubt it ever will. So we just cope the best way we can, making the best of each day. Filling the emptiness being around family & friends. Holding on & leaning on one other, without making each other fall.

Sometimes it's really hard baby, because not one of us is stronger than the other. Daddy & I have our moments, good days & bad days. So do your sisters. But there are some days when we are all in need of a higher power to give us strength. Those are the days I think a lot about God.

It's a touchy subject, because it stirs up a lot of feelings with us. Mostly anger, resentment & confusion. You have to understand, that the day you were in the hospital we all prayed so hard for a miracle, baby. We cried, begged & prayed, until we couldn't no more. Our prayers were not heard. And it still hurts...

I know it will be some time yet before we can work through all of that. I'm torn in half most times, wanting to believe & then not believing....for now I want to leave it alone. What I feel deep down is that you are in a better place. That your spirit is still around us & that we will see you again, in another lifetime, another eternity.

And that if God is really there, he'll understand, that we are still trying to come to terms with everything. He owes us that much.

Luckily, baby girl we do have a lot of support in other ways. We have other ways of pulling extra strength when we need it. Those days that we are weakened by fear....that we're not going to make it....that everything's going to fall apart. Where we don't see a point of going on....I look at this picture.

Mikey took this the day after you passed away, at the cemetery, following the hearse to the crematory, where we said our last goodbyes. Where we last saw you...

He posted this on my Facebook wall one day. On a day I was feeling really bad, really down. One of those days it was all too much & I wanted to just give up...

It came at a perfect time. I needed that extra strength. Looking at it, it reminded me of how painful that day was. When I look at it, it doesn't even seem real. How could it be? That it was just us, without you? That you were waiting for us on at the end of the road, in a beautiful white casket?

But yet there we are. Daddy, me & your sisters. Walking together, holding hands & holding each other up.

I needed to be reminded of this day baby. It's a reminder, that if we survived the worst day/days of our lives, even if only by shock & numbness...we'll be able to survive the days thereafter.

Not alone, or by breaking down & giving up. But together...holding each other's hand... each step of the way.

This picture wasn't staged or planned. I didn't even know Mikey took it until the day he posted it. Sadly, I can't even remember it. So I'm extra thankful he did. It's a symbol of love, hope & strength. The love we have for you, that carried us through.

You can't see it in the picture here, but there is a huge cross up ahead, overlooking the cemetery. Maybe that helped too...I don't know.

But it's a path we took to get to you. Even if it was to say goodbye. Even though it wasn't by choice. Even if it was gut wrenching...

We still chose to walk it, together. For you my mouse.

And that is how we will try & walk through this life.

Every path, every road I take...However gut wrenching without you. I will take with you in mind.

And it will be worth it...because I know you will be waiting on the other side.

Thank you for being our strength, my beautiful angel.

I love you with all my heart & soul. I miss you like crazy.

Today & always,

Forever your mommy. <3

Always in our hearts

 

Dear baby girl,

I really miss you. We all do. We've been trying to make the best of each day, always thinking of you. Yesterday, we were over at Tio's helping Alina paint the border for her new garden. Actually, your new garden. <3

It turned out real nice. :)



The plaque for your garden.

I tried my best to make a replica of your rose you had on your wall...which I'm putting back. I remember you practicing your roses over & over. Once you learned how to draw something, you'd draw dozens.  The hippos, fish, "Juno" (doggies)...all your beautiful flowers...

The border

It was a team effort: me, your sisters, all the kids, Madeline, Alina, & Tio B. They had so much fun using the stencils & painting in Tio's garage. It turned out so nice, definitely has you written all over it. :)

I tried not to get emotional, but at the end I couldn't help it. I was mostly thankful to Alina for thinking of you & wanting to honor you in such a sweet way. It makes me happy. I want the kids to remember you too. And doing things like this will help them to. They are all still so young. It makes me sad to think they will eventually forget that you were practically mom to them all. You loved them so much, that I want them to know you once existed. That you changed their diapers, helped feed them, carried, burped & played with them all.


There is your garden, then there was the balloon release we did on the 20th...3 months....I don't know why this was such a significant day baby. More so than any of the other months. More painful. It just was.

The only way I knew how to make it less painful & more of a day of remembrance for your sisters especially, was to send up some balloons to you. They each got their own to write on, whatever message they wanted to send you. I got one too. Daddy had to work, but I wrote his on his behalf.

We all love & miss you so much Hailey.

We know you got the balloons, because right after leaving we were on Rt. 66 stuck in traffic on our way to Alina's to have dinner, & a beautiful yellow monarch butterfly flew right in front of the window of the van. We knew it was you. It practically touched the window. In my almost 20 years of driving on 66, I have never seen a butterfly flying over the cars during traffic. Much less one right in front of my window. Your sisters saw it too
& they were smiling.

Then yesterday it happened again after I got off work. This time it was on my way home, right by the mall, where I take my shortcut. I was thinking of you, as I always do when I'm alone in silence.

It was the one year anniversary of Dana's passing, so I was
thinking of her too. I whispered out loud, "I miss you Dana. Please
take care of my baby girl."


Not even a couple minutes later, a yellow monarch butterfly
appears again, right in front of the van flying close to the window. I got home to change before going to Tio's to work on your garden plaque, watering the flowers on my way out, and here comes a black & purple butterfly swooping down from above fluttering around me, not even a foot away from my face.

I knew it was too much of a coincidence. I knew that black & purple one was Dana, letting me know she heard me. Letting me know she'll be watching out for you...

I love you my beautiful angel.

You are always in our hearts. I always look for signs of you...

Always & forever. For the rest of my days to infinity.

Your Mommy.

Dana

My dear mouse,

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my friend Dana's passing. You never met her. Bella either. Just sissy, but she was still little at the time so she doesn't remember Dana. It wasn't too long after that, that life took us in different directions. I saw & spoke to her again a couple times after we moved back from NY, but never again since. So long I can't even remember the exact time. :(

Today I was supposed to of gone to her "celebration of life" get together at her brother Scott's house. Last year's celebration was bittersweet. It was good to see the old gang, but also sad at the same time. I heard things from different people that I didn't really want to know about my old friend. I guess selfishly, I wanted to just remember the old Dana that I once knew. The sweet, lively, beautiful person I remember. The one that loved children & had an undying spirit, that could liven anyone up with that beautiful contagious smile.

I guess it made me realize how things change, yet stay the same. It made me sad that I never got a chance to say good-bye & tell her how much I loved her. That even though the years passed, I've never forgotten. How sad I am that no one was able to save her...

I decided not to go at the last minute. Instead I slept in, & stayed in bed just thinking about her & the past. All that we went through. All the good & even bad times, that made our friendship what it was. Wishing I could go back to those crazy care free times. The best times of my life. Me, Brian & Dana. The 3 musketeers.

I was thinking about the day Brian called to tell me. This day (almost) last year. I was driving you & your sisters to Leesburg Outlets for the day. We were on Rt. 15, a two lane road that stretches for miles alongside the countryside. Miles of VA vineyards, farms & beautiful country homes. We liked taking the scenic routes to admire the houses daydreaming about which one we'd want to live in.

About halfway to the outlets, my phone rang & it was him. I remember immediately feeling something was wrong. I picked up the phone & he was in tears telling me Dana was gone. I had to pull over to let the shock subside enough for me to start driving again.

Dana? Gone? But she was just here yesterday....a long time ago yesterday.

You girls were so worried & supportive of me. I'll never forget how you all reacted, not minding me turning around to go home. Sissy offered to watch you girls until Daddy got home, without me asking. You all said, "Mommy, it's ok. Just go. Go be with Brian." You knew.

And it was true. She was gone. You always think there will be time. Time to go back and retrace your steps. To visit the past in the way of visiting old friends, family members & "catching up." But then the dreaded day comes, and it's too late.

I would of never thought that just nine months later, an even worse day of my life would come. The day I would lose you too baby girl.

Today I am shattered remembering. But I am also smiling picturing the two of playing in a garden filled with fairies & butterflies, surrounded by kids and animals. In those ways, you two were very much alike. She loved kids & animals too. I remember once, she planned to open a daycare. She painted one of the extra rooms in her parents house light blue & decorated it with dolphins she had cut out from a magazine. She wound up being a nanny instead...

I see her caring on & protecting you. Always playful, always laughing the way I remember...how I always will remember her.

Some people are just not meant to live here long baby girl. She was too much of a free spirit to be restricted to living here on Earth, in this world we live in. This sometimes cruel world, living a normal everyday life. She was meant for something more. Just like you...

You are the lucky ones.

We are the bereaved ones. The ones responsible for lighting the torch, & passing on your legacies. The legacies of the lucky ones...

Tell Dana I said hi, ok mouse?

Tell her I miss my slim shady.

Ask her to watch you for me, Ok?


I love you so much my beautiful girl.

Everyday I miss you, everywhere I go, you go with me.

One day I will be joining the both of you.

Until then, sweet dreams. Dream of fairies, babies & mermaids.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

Isabelle~

My sweet girl,

Yesterday we got to spend some time with Isabelle & her mom Lisa. Your best friend, your "bestie". I can't tell you how nice it was to see them again. She's been on my mind ever since the memorial service. I remember seeing her that day & instantly my heart breaking, once again. I remember hugging her & feeling a part of you. I remember thanking her for being such a good friend to you. I told her how much you loved her & how much your friendship meant.

Yesterday we spoke of that day with her mom, & of many other things too, sharing memories of you & Isabelle. It was so nice to get to know each other a little better. I learned many things about Isabelle & her family, and can understand why you loved her so much. Isabelle is so pretty, nice & friendly, just like her mom. So caring & genuine. I can see why she was your best friend, and always will be.

It made me sad too, to know they have grieved for you in the same way. That Isabelle lost her best friend. That they were impacted the way we were; with shock & sadness. But it's our love for you that we have in common, baby girl. It's our love for you that bonds us, & will see us through.

I know you were near yesterday. Specially when the girls went swimming together (both Isabelle's, your sister showing her how you used to swim like mermaids :) Sissy came to the pool too, but sat with us & chatted.

I told her mom that I will always feel a connection to her. Because she was so important to you. I know you had many "friends", but she was your true friend. The one you would share personal things with. The one you would stay up late with, face timing & texting. :) The only friend, who's picture you have on your nightstand. The pic you both took at the movies in the picture booth, making silly faces & smiling like best friends do. It made me happy to find out she had the same picture on her nightstand too. :)

I'm so glad you got to experience that baby girl. True friends are once in a lifetime. Even in your short life, you had your one true friend.

I told her mom too, how I met my best friend Jennie in 4th grade & we stayed friends ever since. Even when life separated us here & there, we eventually found our way back to each other. She was also there the day of your service...

I know you will always be near her. I know you will always guide her & be her guardian angel. I know she won't ever forget you. I know she will cherish your memories forever. I hope that they will bring her more joy than sadness.

I know one day you will see her again, & pick up where you left off.



Because that's what good friends do.

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

 

The lessons we learn from friends, we carry with us always.

We said we'd keep in touch. I told her she is always welcome & we can plan more play dates with both Isabelle's. :)

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

The beautiful gift they brought which I placed in the living
room, as a reminder. So sweet. <3

 

We love & miss you so much Hailey.

Always & forever,

Your mommy <3

3 months

3 months since you last closed your eyes forever
since I last had your hands in mine
feeling your touch, kissing each finger one by one.

tracing the outline of your face,
memorizing the shape of your nose, lips & eyes,
with those long curled up eyelashes...

how badly did I want them to wake.
to look up at me,
just one more time.

just one more smile,
one more hug,
one more I love you,
all the way up to the sky.

it's been 3 months,
since your last breath.
since I whispered in your ear.
rest in peace my beautiful angel.

not believing,
not understanding,
not accepting.
asking why, why, why?

3 months I survived without you,
not thinking I ever would.
missing & loving you,
like only a mother could.

3 months too long,
but only 3 months,
of the rest of my life,
without you.

~~~                                                                                                                                             ~~~
                                                          


Halloween 2013, first & only time I let you wear mascara &
it was certain you inherited my mom's eyelashes. <3

I love you.

Forever young

My sweet girl,

 

I love this picture of you. This is the Hailey I always remember, my sweet mouse. This was taken on one of our walks, when we lived at the apartments.

You wanted to take your baby pig (the soft fuzzy one that belonged to Kayla since she was a baby) on a walk. You were semi-embarrassed to have your friends at the park see you pushing a baby stroller carrying a stuffed pig. You hesitated for a minute, but then decided to go for it. That's how bad you wanted to take him for a walk. :)

You & your sisters were always tall for your age. As you can see, the stroller was really low & it took effort for you to push it the entire time. Yes, you were tall but you were also probably too "big" to play with a baby stroller.

But you didn't care. You didn't care that you were too tall, or too "old." Which by the way, you weren't. Just 9 years old. You didn't care that your friends would see you & tease you (which they didn't really). You just took some baby blankets & carefully wrapped that pig, settling it nice & comfortably on that stroller. It was so cute I had to take a picture. You didn't care about that either...

You loved babies, even the stuffed animal kind. You were still such a kid underneath that sometimes sassy, little miss diva. I always loved that about you. You kept the kid in all of us alive. Even Bella, who wasn't as crazy about babies as you, but still played with you as sisters do.

Youth & innocence are the best part of our lives. It's when everything is pure. Everything is golden. Carefree.

This day & age, it doesn't seem valued as much. It's not toys & babies, it's Ipads & Iphones. I know you loved your phone, but you loved being a kid more.

You passed away still believing in the tooth fairy & Santa. Even though you had started to get suspicious the last couple of years. Wondering why Santa's wrapping paper was in the garage? Where did the tooth fairy live & what did she look like?

We wanted to hold on to your innocence as long as possible. I always felt I grew up too fast. Half by circumstance & half by choice. I wish I would of listened to my Dad & Mom when they tried to warn me. But no, I had to learn things the hard way. Daddy too. It wasn't fun. I didn't want that for you girls. I still don't...

You will never have to go through it baby girl.  You were just a couple of weeks shy of your 11th birthday, almost the same way you were in this picture...

You will stay young & beautiful forever... our sweet angel.

This is one of the images of you I will always keep. I will keep it & remember what you taught me; love, kindness & laughter.

I will not let losing you harden me & let my soul turn bitter. I love you too much for that. You taught me better than that. I will try & keep that small part of me that is young & alive forever. For you.

All your babies & stuffed animals are still in your room, resting nice & comfortably on your bed. Covered in blankets...just the way you left them. Bella said she's gone in there a couple times to make sure they're ok & fed, just like you would of wanted. So sweet.

We're always thinking of you Hailey.
I know you are tending to all the babies, angels & stuffed animals in heaven.
You were always such a good mommy.

I miss & love you so much my beautiful girl.
Sweet dreams...
Come visit me if you can...

Forever your mommy <3

Every day

Every day I love you.

Every day I miss you.

This song is for you.

http://youtu.be/N1JcPmsoNkE


Forever your mommy <3

~

Hope

My dear baby girl,

Thinking about you like always. Tonight there's another meeting at the "Compassionate Friends" group for bereaved parents, that I'm going to miss. I've thought about going, was going to go....but then at the last minute chickened out. I just don't know if I'm ready yet.

I guess I don't know what to expect. It's scary to put your heart out there in front of strangers. It's a lot different in person, than on paper, social media or blogging. I've always been better at expressing myself in my writing, but rather handicapped in communicating with people face to face. I do eventually want to go. I know I need the support, & believe it or not, I want to be the support to another hurting soul. I know that would help me too...but just not tonight.

I think the main reason too though, is that today my heart & mind have been still. Not peaceful exactly. Just still. Free of waves, storms & rage. Days like these when I can breath in somewhat deeply without feeling excruciating pain, or like I'm running out of air, I try to make it last. I'm afraid if I go to the meeting, it will ignite the fires within & I won't have control to stop them from consuming me alive..

Just like a wound needs to be bandaged, but also aired once in a while in order to heal, so does the heart. Tonight I'm keeping it bandaged.

Your sisters are back from Jersey. The house was so quite while they were gone. Having all 3 of you gone, & Daddy mostly at work, I had a lot of time on my own. Time for reflection. Time to grieve with no constraints. I used to be terrified of it. The feelings that took over me, never experienced before, scared me. I'd try hard to hold them in or ignore them, with no success. It was worse to do that anyway, because they built up inside until I felt like I was going to burst. That's when the anxiety attacks were at their worst too.

These last couple of weeks, I've learned a lot about grief. From personal experience & stuff I read on the internet & books. The most important being; it's ok to grieve. It's not a terrible act. It's not an act of injustice. In fact, it's necessary in order to heal.

Maybe that's why I feel somewhat calm today. I think I've done enough grieving to last me a life time. :(

The truth is baby, the grieving will never stop. It has nothing to do with letting go or moving on. It has to do with grieving & loving going hand in hand. I will never stop grieving, because I will never stop loving you.

I've learned grieving has many stages & faces. It changes in intensity from one day to another. But it's always there, & always will be. The trick is to learn to live with it without letting it cripple you.

For example, I can go to work & survive the day without a breakdown, but will cry all the way home.

I can get through shopping at Target (one of your favorite stores), walk through the aisles feeling as though my insides are being squeezed & suffocated to the point of almost collapsing, then pay for my purchases & be on my way.

I can drive by the cemetery on my to work every morning, talk to you & wave with tears running down my face, sometimes sobbing...then clock in an hour later & get through my shift.

I can take your sisters to the movies, the whole time having flashbacks of the last night you were alive (we went to see a movie) & make it through the whole thing without walking out, or screaming, but still watching, with tears running down my face..

I can take your sister to a concert & have a blast one day, then be crying the next like there is no tomorrow because it was the first holiday spent without you....

I can go on & on baby. I don't have it figured out yet. I know I never will. The point is, I've managed to still live through the grief. So far. Learning as I go. It's true, some days it's so gripping I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I force myself to go to work, then come home & be comatose. Some days I can interact with people, laugh & smile but still feel as though I'm dying inside.

They say crying is the act that cleanses the soul.  If that's true, I wonder if the time will ever come, when mine will be thoroughly cleaned.

I don't want you to be sad baby. I don't mean to alarm you. I just want you to know, if you're watching me, that it's ok. I'm ok. I will be ok.

I read this the other day & it made sense to me.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/07/giving-grief/

It makes more sense than taking pills or doing drugs or drinking the grief away...

Grief is so unpredictable, & so different for everyone, I don't judge those who need other coping mechanisms. I applaud anyone that is still standing, still living, the best way they can in the midst of a loss. The loss of losing their child, or any other loved one. Losing a part of them, their soul, their being, their heart...

I read this the other day & it gave me hope.

Hope, that we will get through this. No matter how painful, how impossible.

Hope, that I will make you proud, even on my worst days.

Hope, that I will have enough energy to honor your legacy.

Hope, that we will save lives.

Hope, that your sisters will still have a happy life.

Hope, that the damage isn't too deep for any of us to ever smile (for real) again.

Hope, that we will see you again.

Hope, that I will hug you again. And give you kisses. And hear your voice.

And tell you I love you,

All the way around the universe and back.

Hope, that there is another world less painful out there, which you are living in now. A world where love is infinite & fear is simply outcasted. Where all our hopes & dreams come true. A world with no boundaries & endless possibilities...

Hope is what I wish for my baby girl. Without hope, there is no reason to live.

My last hope & wish, is to be re-united with you one day, in such a world.

When this day comes, & only then, will I feel at peace again. I now understand the real meaning of "Rest in peace."

Until then, grief is my friend.

I love you my sweet baby mouse.

I miss you.

Always & forever,

Your mommy. <3

A day at the beach

My dear mouse,

Today I've been sad all day missing you & your sisters. I have a handful of videos that I look at, when I desperately need to hear your voice & see your smile. This is one of them.

This was taken at Point Pleasant Beach, NJ a couple of years ago. It was the year we went for July 4th and spent a few days there. Those were some of the happiest days of our lives...

https://youtu.be/rAcy9lsYLKg

I love you baby. Run free. Swim far. Fly high.... my beautiful mermaid.

I love you forever and ever...

Forever your mommy. <3

Kycie

My sweet baby girl,

Tonight is the first rain free night we've had in a few weeks, it feels like. Seems like it's been storming or showering every night. Your flowers I planted in the front love it though. I spent some time today working on the front yard, pulling weeds & trimming the edges. Our nice neighbor, Megan's grandfather, is still cutting the grass for us. I planted different types of flowers a while back, all in different shades of purple. They are growing nicely.

The one Grandma got you has grown so tall, it's almost as tall as the beautiful angel statue she got you to go with it. I'll have to remember to take a picture of it. That same hummingbird moth came by and was feasting on all the pollen from the flowers, flying from flower to flower. I found this pic, similar to it on the internet. I remember the first time we saw it with your sisters, we were a little freaked out because we'd never seen anything like it before. It was about 3 inches long, very pretty, creepy & unique all at the same time. Definitely not scared of people. Another sign of you??

I've been just trying to keep busy while Daddy's at work & your sisters are away. I miss them too, but I know they're having fun. They've been keeping me informed daily.

I've gone out to lunch & shopping with Cecilia, dinner a movie with Daddy & then again with Auntie last night. We talked & laughed, just the two of us. There's nothing better than having people in your life who know you, & love you the way you are. Who you can open your heart out to & know you won't be judged. Who will just listen. Those are the people worth having & keeping in your life.

I know I would try & teach you that too mouse. You had some really great friends, who loved you so much, and still do. It was always easy for you to make friends. I used to call you the social butterfly, because it never failed, anywhere we would go, you would make a friend. You were so happy & funny, a magnet of people, children & babies.

Some of your friends found me on Instagram and I've read some comments & seen pictures they post of you. They love & miss you too. It's so sweet, it warms my heart to know they still think of you. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to have Isabelle & her family over baby. She was one of your best friends. Her mom has reached out and wants to come over. I've printed out all the pics I could find of the both of you, to give to her in a little album.

I want to let all your friends know that our door & hearts are always open & they are always welcome. I know that's what you would of wanted. But it's what I want to. After all, they were a part of you. They knew you too. They love you. They miss you. They grieve for you also...

I know you have made some new friends in heaven. Specially the little girl that passed away today due to complications of Type 1. It broke my heart to read it. :(

https://www.facebook.com/kissesforkycie?fref=photo

It's been heavy on my heart today mouse. It's heartbreaking to know another precious life was taken. Another precious little girl. Another angel....Kycie.

I went on her site & gave our condolences, and also shared our story. I got some really nice responses back from a lot of the moms. I had created a page for you a while back & shared it too on her site & other awareness sites.

https://www.facebook.com/letterstohailey

Again, many heart warming responses. Many of them visited your page too, and "liked" it.  I wasn't ready to talk about it much before. But today, after reading her story, I was inspired, between the tears, to share your story too. Our story needs to be heard too baby. We could make a difference, one day, one person, at a time.

I know you made a new friend up there, my little social butterfly. I know you will take care of her & show her the ropes...

I think the same things, it's not fair. Why? Why you? Why her? We will never know the answers....

What we can do, is try and make sure it doesn't happen again. In your honor, in hers ...and all those before who lost their lives, and who still suffer with this disease (your cousins)..

I love you baby. I know you are not suffering anymore. Neither is that little girl...it gives me a little peace. While our journey wasn't the same, the outcome was, and it makes it just as painful.

I love you baby girl.
With all my heart.
Every day I miss you.
Every.single.day.

Forever your Mommy <3

Accept the good

"Accept the good. One day at a time."

 

 ~ from The Things We Lost In The Fire

 

 

~H.A.E.~

 

 

Shining Star

My beautiful girl,

Uncle Chris & your cousins are here spending the night. They arrived this morning, and will be leaving sometime tomorrow, taking your sisters up to Jersey for a week.

We just came back from a walk to watch the sunset, picked the purple wildflowers on the side of the road that I always pass on the way to work, and looked for your star in the sky. Even in the cloudiest, muggiest of days, it's always there shining the brightest of them all. Uncle Mikey said it's actually the planet Venus.

I read somewhere there is a star registry where you can purchase a star & name it, and they send you a telescope with a map, so you can always keep track of it. I told the girls I want to do that for you. In the meantime, when we look for Venus, we will always think of you.

It was the star, right above the moon, that was shining bright the night of your service in Bolivia. This picture was taken from the doorway of the parlor of the funeral home, where you lay resting in your beautiful white coffin.

We all saw it upon entering & leaving the parlor, and immediately said it was you. I've had the picture in my camera since then but haven't had to look at it, because it's embedded in my mind forever. When I look up at the sky & see the star (or Venus), it's that night it reminds me of. One of the saddest of my life...

But it also reminds me that you are always there, at the end of the day guiding & watching us...

 

It was a beautiful service baby, with beautiful flowers, and a priest that was all arranged by my mom's family. Even them, who knew you for just two days, knew you deserved the best. You looked so beautiful and peaceful, a true angel...my angel. <3

I'm going to miss your sisters. At first I didn't want them to go, but I also don't want them to miss out on having some fun this summer. After all, you girls went every summer. It's become a tradition now, but this time, the first time without you. The girls all said it won't be the same, but it would be sadder if they didn't go at all. I know regardless, you are always included in their plans, because they are always thinking of you...

Uncle Chris made a yummy fettuccini Alfredo with grilled chicken tonight for dinner, with corn & buttered toasted bread topped with fresh mozzarella. He did this, after driving all morning from Jersey. Then he plans to drop the girls off, after spending all week entertaining them. He is one of a kind. They have plans to see Nanny too, at a barbeque they're having in her building. I know grandma & Pop Pop will me spoiling them too. Aunt Didi too, always showing them love. They are best. How did we get so lucky?

So I'll understand if you rather hang around your sisters this week, and not miss out on all the fun. As for me mouse, I'm going to try and just keep busy. But try and come by and check on me every once in a while, ok? I already made some plans to catch up with friends & so forth. Daddy has to work, but has Sunday off. Hopefully, we can squeeze in a date night one night. It would be nice after all it's been a while.

I love you baby girl. Everyday I close my eyes and picture that beautiful smile, and try to remember the reasons behind it. You were such a happy loving girl. My sweet daughter, who loved life. Whom everyone loved.... and still loves.

You're free & pure spirit was contagious. You showed me how to not stress out too much & just laugh. I will remember that always. My funny girl. I could never stay mad at you for long, because you'd make a face & have me cracking up in the middle of lecturing you....

Thank you for teaching me all those things, my sweet Hailey.

Smiling for back to school 2014.

You will always be my shining star.
My beautiful sweet girl.
I love and miss you forever.
I wish I could hug and hold you.

Keep smiling, ok?

I'll see you in my dreams.

Forever & ever, your mommy. <3

I'm sorry

Dear Hailey,

Yesterday was the first holiday without you, and I can't put into words the aching in our hearts we felt, and still feel today...

I had a whole long letter written in my head, remembering all the past 4th of July's we spent together. So many memories...

I was going to include the picture of you & your sisters sitting on the beach, waiting for the fireworks to start, that one year we went to Point Pleasant, NJ for the 4th. Right on the beach, right by the ocean, with fireworks right above our heads, under a star filled summer sky...

I wanted to share with you so many things....and now I can't seem to bring myself to think or say anything other than:

I miss you so much baby girl. I wish to God I could bring you back to me. It will never seem real to me, the fact that you gone and are never coming back. I'm sorry for not being stronger for you....I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I can't bring you back. I'm sorry if this letter brings you pain. I'm sorry I can't stop myself....

I'm so so sorry baby girl.

I love you with all my heart.

I don't know what else to do or say, because nothing I do or say will ever bring you back. I've been lost since the day we lost you, and I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to find myself, and you.....

and I know that probably won't happen until we see each other again.

I'm sorry for everything...

Please know I did everything I could, everything I knew to do....and it hurts that it wasn't enough.

I am so sorry my sweet angel.

Please forgive me.

Your mommy that loves you,
Forever.

Times like these

Times Like These

By Foo Fighters
 

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

Mikey

My dear sweet baby girl,

I miss you.

The weeks are passing by & we are getting by, the best we can. Trying to stay positive, but some days it seems like life is set on testing us, again & again. I don't want to worry you with those things right now though baby. I just want you to know how much you are missed. How much you are loved.

July is here. The first was Tio Gustavo's birthday. He's in Italy visiting Kita. Yesterday was Uncle Mikey's birthday. Tomorrow is July 4th, also Pop Pop's bday. Summer is the season for family & celebrations; the very things you loved.

It's too bad we couldn't celebrate with them personally this year, because they live so far. I remember in the years passed, going to visit them in Jersey & Tennessee. You girls didn't mind the long road trips because you'd get to see your favorite people in the world. We'd have a blast, then you'd cry so much when it was time to say good-bye. One year you cried so hard, you stayed glued to your Uncle Mikey for so long. You & Bella, but you were the one that started & got your sister going. We kept reminding you of the great time we had. To be happy thinking of the memories we made & time spent together, instead of being sad it was time to go....

....to think that I tell myself that same thing when I think of you, every time I cry. Life is so very ironic honey.

It was during one these trips to see Uncle Mikey, Zuli & Joshua, that you said the words quoted on the top of your blog :

"It's not goodbye, it's see you later."

 It's something that we taught you, that you learned to be true. We always kept a close relationship with them, even after he moved. You loved your uncle so much. Just like you loved Auntie. Nothing was ever going to change that. Not all the miles between us...not anything in this world. That is true for you also my sweet angel. We will always be close. We may be separated for now, but it's not a goodbye. It's a see you later. We will always, always love you.

Distance between people we love & care about does make it harder to keep in touch, but not impossible.

This was your uncle holding  & meeting you after you were just born. We lived in New York at the time, and he was in VA. But that did not stop him & the family from driving up to see you.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I miss him too. He looks so young in this picture. It's hard to believe he's 27 now, when I remember him just born too, just as tiny as you were in this pic. Now, he's a grown man with a family! I'm so proud to call him my brother.

 

You got to see him too, during your last days baby. I'm glad he was there by our side in Bolivia. To think back on it now, it was like God knew I'd need him there to get through. We're never going to forget. We will grieve for you forever...

 

It was good to finally talk to him after missing him yesterday. I heard Joshua in the background being silly & cute. He loved you so much too honey. Zulen said he would walk around the house saying your name, & that he attaches himself to girls that either look like you or are around the same age. I know he will remember you always....even as he grows older, we will remind him of you. The baby whisperer...

 

This was during our last visit to Tennessee.

 

 

So precious.
I look at these and it makes my heart happy.
I love those 3 faces so much.
You were always so loving, so sweet with all the kids.
A true ray of sunshine.

I look at that smile and it fills me up with so much love baby that it spills over in tears.
My sweet girl.
There will never be a day I don't think about you.
I will never stop missing you.
We all love you so much.

Sweet dreams my beautiful angel.

Kisses to the moon and back,
Forever your mommy.

to my sister

dear Hailey,

It is me Isabelle. I miss you so much. I think about you everyday and think about how everything I do would be better if you were  here I love you so much and I think about everything we have been through together. Everyday when I walk around the house I think of you and I  think about how we used to be playing games together almost every second  of the day. And now everyday I get sad because I have no won to play. I still can't believe your not physically here but I know that your in a better place now and as long as your happy I'm happy.  I will always be looking for  signs everyday. everywhere I go I think of you because I didn't go one place without you and that's what counts. Anyone who new you  was so lucky! I will always remember you and cherish every second that we spent even if we were fighting. I remember when we would fight then be best friends  the next and Kayla would laugh at us. you were and always will be awesome, beautiful, funny, happy, sassy sometimes, baby whisperer, a ballerina, and a mermaid. I love you so much Hailey ! I can't wait to see you in heaven the day we reunite will be the best day ever goodnight my little angel sweet dreams
love,
Bella(Isabelle)                                     

best sister friends forever!

                                                                                      

Love signs

My sweet girl,

We haven't been home much the last couple of days & I haven't been able to write you. Even though I go into your room every morning before work & say hi, drive past the gardens on the way to work & say hi, and look up at the sky right before bed, to say hi & goodnight.....I still need to write you.

Tonight there is not only a full moon, but it's glowing light orange. Also tonight, Jupiter & Venus met in the summer sky, resembling "The Star of Bethlehem." Sissy & Bella tried to get a good picture, but it didn't come out too great. I'm sure you have an amazing view of it...

http://planetsave.com/2015/06/27/star-of-bethlehem-closest-highly-visible-conjunction-of-venus-jupiter-in-2000-years-on-june-30-2015/

I had a doctor's appointment late in the day yesterday in Reston & we decided to go to the town center that we met some friends at almost 4 years ago, during the winter. It was around Christmas time, they had a parade and an ice skating rink. That day was a great day.

My pretty girls.

During those times it was just the four of us. Daddy & I were separated. We had just gone through some really bad times. But look at us, still smiling.

I used this picture for our Christmas cards that year. I remember re-thinking the idea back & forth. It partly saddened me, because it made our situation so real. I thought, "After everything, it really is just me and my girls..."

But then I thought, "We went through so much and look at us, still smiling, still loving, still together. Just me and my girls...We've made it this far, we'll make it all the way."                                                                            

It was a message of: "We're ok. We're going to be ok."

               These were taken yesterday, my mouse. No one else may see you in them. But we do.





Here is Bella, making a wish at the same fountain. We had ice cream at Ben & Jerry's close by, sat outside & enjoyed the nice day. We talked about your favorite ice cream place, Cold Stone & your favorite flavors, blue cotton candy with crushed Oreos (sometimes marshmallows) & cake batter with chocolate cookie dough...

How I wished you were physically there with us baby girl. I try to push the feelings of guilt out of my head. The thoughts of, "Here we are enjoying the nice weather & having ice cream without her". "Here we are taking the first pictures without her included." Guilt, pain & strangeness, is what I instantly feel.

Those thoughts and feelings creep up on me, & I do my best to chase them away. After all, you are here in spirit. After all, it's not fair to your sisters to never go out again. To never have fun again. To never taste ice cream again... I love them as much as I love you. They are too young yet to give up & withdraw from life. And I know you love them just as much, to not want that either.

They need to heal too, and it won't be by staying home feeling shut out from the rest of the world baby. We carry you around with us, in our hearts. We recall memories of you, of us. In fact, as soon as we got there we saw this LOVE sign:

Do you remember this (same or different one)? We discovered it one day walking around downtown Manassas, by the train tracks. It was during Winter & they had all the trees decorated in lights that looked so pretty at night.

We discovered an ice skating rink too, that we came back later to try. This pic too was taken around that time frame as the ones above...

 

Love, love, love signs.

We love you so much Hailey. There are traces of you everywhere.

Things will never be the same without you.
We will never forget you, because the bond we all have is unbreakable.

 

We miss you so much.

I look at the night skies & all the stars, because I know you are shining among them.

The prettiest & the brightest.

Mommy is always with you.

 

Don't worry my sweet girl.
 

"We're ok. We're going to be ok."





I will always look for my love signs.

Always & forever,
Your mommy.