Still standing

My sweet Hailey,

The month of June is coming to an end, which is hard to grasp & comprehend. Somehow, it feels like time stopped the day you passed. I understand the phrase, "frozen in time" now more than ever...

That feeling I first felt, like I was living somebody else's life still remains. I go through the days in robotic motion; get up, go to work, cook, clean...everything I do, I do in a fog. The fog has not yet lifted. "Purple haze, all in my brain."

The days we spend with family or friends help in a big way, at least. Familiar faces, familiar places. Although I didn't make my friend Cecilia's b-day dinner Friday. Bella got sick first thing in the morning & I was worried to leave her with Sissy by themselves until Daddy got home. Turns out it was just a 24 bug, but after what happened with you, I'm extra paranoid of every little thing.

But yesterday was Madeline's birthday party(s) & since she was feeling better, Bella was very excited. Specially because the first party was at the movie theater, & we went to pick up Daniela & Natalia first. It was the old theatre in Fairfax that Papi used to take us when we were little. We used to call it the dollar theater, because every movie was $1 or $2.

Sissy remembered I took you girls there once, to see Alvin & the Chipmunks 2 (all 3 of you loved them) right before we went to see the circus at The Patriot Center, right across the street. Facebook says this was 3 years ago. :)

It was the year your sister got on stage with some of the dancers right before the show & danced.

Our favorite was the elephants...which I read somewhere they are getting rid of because of all the animal abuse advocates.

I know you would be ok with that, since you loved animals so much.

So we went to see a cute movie about monkeys with Maddy & her friends. Your sweet sister tried to save you a seat in the theater & a seat with a cupcake & juice box at the table...

It's sweet, but it breaks my heart.

We went to their house afterwards, for the second party, with the family. It was good to see everyone. I got a chance to talk to Carole a little. She was nice enough to share a tragic story she experienced when she was younger, that impacted her & her family. She said they were all so sad afterwards, that they were unable to celebrate anything for over a year; including birthdays & holidays...

She mentioned how she enjoys reading this blog (which I didn't think anyone else really read, but turns they do, like Chrissy too :) She mentioned her mom also & her experiences with loss, which is really sad. Life is hard baby. Everyone has a story, & has been through some kind of hardship. It's the only true light in this whole nightmare. That you passed away never knowing any kind of real pain.

You are truly an angel.

She reassured me that she thinks me, Daddy & the family as a whole are handling what happened better than anyone could imagine. She encouraged me to keep going with your memories & understands why it's so important. It means a lot to hear it, from her & everyone else.

Uncle Bri Bri too, gave me this note last week:

If I am still standing today my baby girl, it's because of all the support from the people I love & that love us.

If I'm still standing, it's because even from up above, I don't want you to see me fall.

I keep going for them, for you, and for me...

If I haven't gone to meet you on the other side already, it's only because I know I still have work to do here.

But I promise one day, one day we'll be together.

After my work here is done, I'll see you again my beautiful girl.

I love you so much, I know you know. After all, you are a part of me, and I a part of you.

Yesterday, today & forever,

Your mommy. <3

Heartbroken

My dear beautiful Hailey,

Today I can't help but feel heartbroken. Some days I miss you so much & it hurts so bad. Some days I still can't believe you're gone. No matter what I tell myself, or others tell me to make me feel better....nothing does.

They say life is short. But it will be a long life living without you. Sometimes I just can't stand it. I'm sorry... I just miss my heart.

So beautiful, my Hailey Anne. <3

I love you so much my angel.
Some days I long for your sweet smile.
I will just have to rely on my memory & all the pictures...

Bella said to me last night, as we were talking & crying over you, "Mommy, you were such a good Mommy to the mouse. She will never forget that." "You are the glue that holds this family together." So sweet my Bella. I still remember her words to me some weeks back, when I was having a another really bad day...as she held my face in her hands, "Mommy, I need you."

I will be strong.
The tears will spill when the pain overflows.
I will pick myself up and continue.
I will wish upon all the stars & the moon & the sun,
That I see you & hold you again.
Then & only then will I be at peace again.

I love you my baby girl.

Always & forever,
Forever your mommy.

<3

Heavy heart

Sometimes, this is what it feels like....



http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/06/liked-boxes-played-better/

I Liked the Other Boxes You Played in Better

June 24, 2015 by Angela Miller

Today I carried
the heaviest thing
a mother is ever
asked to carry—

Down the aisle
of the longest
path I’ve ever
been asked to walk—

From the back
to the front
of the church
where we sang songs of praise
together just days before,
you sitting snugly on my lap.

My steps, like old
woman shuffles—
aged 100 years in a day—
unsteady and painstakingly
s l o w—

My tears trailed
like a leaky faucet
that will never
be fixed,
a freshly flooded
river of grief and love.

My wailing a new
book of psalms,
as I carried you
in the very over-priced box,
that forever holds
the remains of
your perfect
little-man body,
in your blue
and green-footed
dinosaur pajamas.

I pressed my hand
firmly onto the
outside of the box,
lingering,
lingering,
lingering—

as if I pressed hard
enough I’d touch your
warm baby-soft skin again,
as if I waited long enough
you’d jump out alive
like a jack-in-the-box,
grab my lingering hand,
and shake me awake from
this wretched nightmare—

As if I hobbled slowly enough,
you’d clasp my open hand tightly
on the outside of that morbid box
that held you today,
where just yesterday
my arms held you softly with love—

Today I carried
the heaviest thing
a mother is ever
asked to carry—

Down the aisle
of the longest
path I’ve ever
been asked to walk—

From the back
to the front
of the church,
and with a primal sound
that defied all words,
I placed you,
along with my own
decomposing remains,
forever at the altar,
forever to be buried,
five feet underground

Purple

My Dear Hailey,

Grandmom, Pop Pop & the girls just left back to Jersey. They were only here for 2 days, but I'm glad they came to visit. We needed to see them, & they needed to see us.

We took them to see your tree at school, & then you at gardens. It was very emotional. They haven't been since the burial. We all huddled around your grave, hugging each other & talking to you. Telling you how much we love & miss you. Grandmom told Camryn it's ok to cry & she did. :( We all did.

Grandmom said even though it was sad, she's still glad she came to see us & you. You know them, they brought ribs, macaroni & cheese, green beans & per my request: chocolate pie. Pop Pop woke up at 5 am the day they left to make it just for us (me:). He was wearing his new purple baseball cap. Grandmom said he was so excited when he found it.

Yesterday, we took the girls to the pool. We saw Skylar, your friend from school that used to text you all the time. She was wearing your purple live strong bracelet. She played with Bella for a while, & then put Abby (your other classmate) on Face-time so she could say hi to me. Sweet girls.

Sydney asked me to take a picture of them together. They left a space for you. Sorry, I had to blur their faces (Aunt Dee Dee doesn't like to have their pics on the internet). But I know you were there, close by, hanging out with your cousins...

Today when they said goodbye, they gave each other a group hug, leaving room for you in the middle...

We are all learning...or trying to learn how to live without you baby girl, physically. But mentally, & in our hearts, we carry you everywhere we go. It's not the same, I admit. The house is just a bit quieter, just a bit sadder, just a bit less fun without you. But I know the girls still love each other. They still need each other, now more than ever. But it still hurts, that their partner in crime is missing.

Yesterday, a big storm blew right through. We looked for a rainbow afterwards, but the skies stayed dark until just before sunset, then they were a dark purple. Bella came upstairs & noticed it right outside my bedroom window. I always have the blinds open so I can look at the night sky before bed. Of course we thought of you...

The sky wasn't anything quite like this pic, but this morning Chrissy posted this to your Facebook page:

My neighbor took this picture of the sky tonight and when I saw it I thought of Hailey. It's so beautiful, just like her.

See, my beautiful girl. We are always thinking of you. As I was looking at your grave today, I was picturing you running around, always happy, always active the way you were. I picture you the same in heaven, with your hair bouncing around in a ponytail. I picture you behind these purple skies, with your purple wand making this kind of magic happen.

The nurse that's retiring, who also lost her daughter a while ago introduced me to her two sons & husband today at work. We had a pot luck going away party for her. She hugged me & then held my hands & said, "I want you to look at them, & me, & know that we survived. If we could survive, you will too." She also went on to say that about 85% of married couples who lose a child end up in divorce, but they are one of the 15% that didn't. She said, "I know you and your husband will be part of the 15% too." I thanked her. It means a lot to hear it from someone who's been through it.

She was wearing a purple dress. Her son a purple tie. I told her it was your favorite color.

Purple skies. Pop pop's purple hat. Purple bracelets. Our purple flowers we planted in the garden. Your purple flowers on your grave.

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my fave books; The Color Purple:

I do notice it now baby. Everywhere I go. Everything I do. I will always think of you.

Love you my purple butterfly.

Always & forever.

Forever your mommy. <3

Remembering

Dear sweet mouse,

I should be going to sleep, so I can get up early for work tomorrow. But I have so much on my mind. Mainly, you...

There is so much I want to tell you. So much I want to share. I wish you were lying next to me in bed, telling me about your day in great detail, like you used to. I would love to listen to you talk, with such enthusiasm. You were so cute, the way you would just ramble on & on, sometimes without pausing or taking a breath...so excited sometimes you'd stutter your words, but then continue to talk.

You would listen to me back, with great attention. Your brown eyes looking right at me, listening to every word & chiming in every now & then. You always took what I said seriously. All you girls. It made me feel good to know you had so much respect and that my opinion on things mattered so much to you.

I would take great care in sharing my thoughts with you, because I realized the great effect & influence I had.

In moments of silence, like now....I can still hear your voice. Telling me about the drama in school, or drama with the family or your sisters, or something in the news. We would talk until we got tired, & couldn't talk anymore. Then I would say goodnight, sweet dreams my mouse.

These memories I hold so dear, and fear that if I don't recall them, if I don't keep them close to me...I'll forget. It's my biggest fear baby, and I don't think people understand that too much. I've heard & read comments like, "time to let go" or "move on".

My Tia, meaning well, made a hurtful comment to me this past weekend. It was after that health scare I had, that her, Papi & everyone else attributed to my "depression". She said, "It's time to move on, for your own good. It's time to stop with the memories."

She doesn't know...that it's the memories I want to keep alive now more than ever. They just don't know and it's useless to explain. They are not the ones who lost their child. Daddy & I are the only ones that know.

This quote was from The Bereaved Parent book I'm reading:

"The only thing worse than speaking ill of the dead, is not speaking of them at all."

I get it. I get that it makes some people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Which has happened...I try not to say anything in response. Again, how to you explain the anguish to people using plain words? Soul shattering? Life ending?

 I just try and remember that people mean well, overall. They are just worried & concerned & trying to help. But if they are really uncomfortable or disagree how I'm handling my own grief, they should just remove me from Facebook or not read my posts...

Ten, twenty, fifty years from now if someone were to read this blog, or my journal, or stupid Facebook....I want them to know you once existed. I want your sisters to read back one day to recall this time, however painful & know how hard we fought as a family to live on. To remember the love, to remember you.

A beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, little innocent girl...my daughter, who was such a blessing in all our lives. That we are better people for sharing our lives with you & the world is a better place because you lived.

That there is a terrible disease called Type 1 diabetes that took your life too soon, & we will fight in your name, in your honor to spread awareness, so it doesn't take another precious life.

That is what remembering does for me, & I hope it does in the future.

It's the story of our journey, our lives and it keeps you alive. At least in my heart...

Sweet dreams my angel.

I love you to the moon & back. I miss you..

Forever your mommy. <3

2 months. 2 rainbows.

Dear Hailey,

We were just talking about rainbows the other day, and then this happened yesterday.



Double rainbow :)

You made your sisters happy.



You made Daddy happy for Father's Day.

And you made me happy too baby. After having a scare at the hospital (don't worry, long story but I'm ok), feeling really weak and down, it was exactly what we needed. A sign of you, showing us that you're ok, and that everything will be alright.

 

Bella was singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

While we were watching the rainbow from the back yard, the kids, Ayde & Caroline were watching from their back yard too. Auntie said all the kids were screaming because they knew it was you. I know you were looking down and smiling, and we were smiling too.

 

I know nothing will bring you back into my arms. Nothing will ever replace you. I will always long for you & miss you. But these signs help ease my heart a little. It gives me a little peace & joy.

 

I love you so much my baby girl.

 

We took Daddy out to breakfast at Ihop, for Father's Day. We started the day tearing up there. We got Jennifer as our waitress, the nice one with the great memory, that has known us since you girls were little. She noticed right away that you weren't there. I told her. She immediately got choked up & walked away. She came back, said she was sorry and gave me a big hug. We all had tears running down our face. I gave her an extra tip, with a little note on the receipt, "Thanks for remembering our daughter Hailey."

 

I know there will be more moments like these. There are some places we have avoided because of this. Your favorite kabob place at the mall, where you loved the bread & white cucumber yogurt sauce. As soon as the lady would see us walk up, she would starting ringing our order because she already knew. The pizza place down the street, where the owner is so friendly & likes you girls, & who gave us an extra mozzarella stick the day you found out Zayn left One Direction...

 

Today we didn't avoid the Ihop, but I ordered and ate your favorite hash browns. We don't know what the rules are, if any. We just do what we feel is right in our hearts, or what feels comfortable. We are slowly learning how to go on. But it's not easy.

 

After breakfast, we all went to see you at the gardens. Papi, Ayde & the kids bought you this beautiful arrangement with a purple beaded necklace hanging down. It was knocked down because of the rainstorm that passed through yesterday. We fixed it and talked to you.

 

Daddy stayed behind a few more minutes after we said bye. I don't know what he said to you, but I know he was hurting. He's been so good about holding it in, and being strong for us that when he has his moments with you, it hits him hard. We all went to hug him, reminding him how much you loved him & still do.

 

 

                                             How good of a Dad he was & still is....

 

And how we realize that our love for each other, for you & our memories together is what will get us through.

 

There isn't another way....that I know.

 

We love you Hailey Mouse. Everyday we think of you. Everyday we miss you my beautiful girl.

 

Thank you for our rainbow.

 

Forever your mommy. <3



I love you

My dear beautiful girl,

I love you forever.

Your mommy <3

Rainbows & Angels

My dear sweet mouse,

Sissy and I didn't make it to the graduation ceremony last night. We went for a walk instead, talking and sharing memories of you. This was the sky last night. No filters. It was so gorgeous. I had this overwhelming feeling that it was made just for us, at that moment, by you.

At the same time, Daddy and Bella went to the ceremony. Daddy said he got emotional right from the start, while the orchestra was playing. He remembered your last violin recital. It was around his birthday, because you sent him a message saying you couldn't wait to play for him.

Your teacher sat with them for a little while and told them about the rainbow. Daddy said they missed it, but Bella was looking for one because it was raining and the sun was out at the same time. She emailed me about it this morning:

I got this email as I pulled into the parking lot at work. Then the texts from your friends moms. I was crying in the parking lot from all the love they showed for us, for you.

This one was from Dominic's mom. She said it would ok to post this on your blog. :) She explained how she took him shopping for the ceremony & the first rack of clothes they looked at was all dark blue shirts that were too small, but then this happened:

So super sweet. He was walking for both of you.

Purple shirt & your purple bracelets. <3

                                            I also got this sweet gift from Dominic's mom:



                                                     This one was from Isabelle's mom:

I'm sorry I didn't go baby girl. Daddy said Bella started to cry while they played the slideshow with pictures of you, but got many hugs from your friends. I thanked them both for being so brave. They went to your grave afterwards...to tell you how proud we are of you. This was our message to you:

That was it baby. Very emotional. So much crying & thinking.. I am just numb now, not able to process any more.

Another reason too, is because on top of that, later at work I spoke a nurse, co-worker, a dear person & friend, in my dept that lost her daughter too a while ago. She didn't tell me how. But I ended up crying in her arms and she asked that we pray together outside her office. We did. We closed our eyes, she held my hands and she said a prayer for us. She told me the same thing all the therapists and everyone else has been saying.....the pain will never go away.

She said it took her a good 3 years before she was able to manage & cope. That her first big nervous breakdown came after a year and a half of her daughter's death. That even before then, she'd call her sister almost every night and just cry.

She said it's hard to explain why it was worse later. That because it's still fresh with me, she rather wait to talk about it, because everyone grieves differently and she rather not make it worse for me. To just take it one day at a time, and to cry when I need to cry. Which I do. Because I just can't help it.

I wanted to go to the grieving parents meeting tonight. But with being so drained, and it raining, all I wanted to do is stay in, close to Sissy and Bella. We had a nice dinner and I watched them play Mario Bros on the Wii.

Tomorrow is your tree memorial. I have to be at work early to make that. It's also the last day of school...another emotional day.

Last night, I said my little prayer to you before bed. I asked that you come visit me in my dreams, and you did. I felt your slim body and your strong arms wrapped around me. Your long thick wavy hair in a pony tail, hanging down and touching my arms. I kissed the top of your head, feeling your warmth.

I got up this morning half remembering you in my dream, but couldn't tell if it was leftover from the night, or if I woke up from just having dreamt it. All I know is I didn't want to wake up. I laid there, still being able to feel you in my arms.

This is what got me through my day, my angel. You, my sweet angel and all the other angels around. All the other angels: Carolina, who messaged me, Mikey who called, Ayde who invited me for dinner, all your friends, their moms, my friends, my co-workers... If you look, there are angels all around. You just have to open your heart & your eyes.

If you choose to believe, you will see them.

Thank you my angel.

I love you for the rest of my life.

Always and forever, your mommy.



Graduation

Dear Hailey,

We were invited to attend the 5th grade graduation tomorrow evening at Battlefield High School. Your teacher said they have seats reserved for us just in case. They're going to have a slide show with pictures, some of which you're in & include a remembrance part for you & Conner, the other 5th grader that passed earlier in the year.

I've been going back and forth, trying to decide to go or not. At first I told her we would be there, after talking it over with Daddy & your sisters. We agreed that you would want us there, representing you.

What I didn't tell you is that my first week back at work, I started to have these anxiety attacks. The first one came after work one day. I got a call at the end of my shift, from a mom making a T-dap appointment for her daughter, that she needed to move on to middle school. I had it on my calendar to make your appointment, after we got back from the trip. I remember mentioning it to you..to not let me forget.

I tried not to think about it. I held it in until I got to my car & then it started. The uncontrollable sobbing, not being able to breath, chest pain...I called Daddy who got me to calm down. Thankfully he was off that day & was there when I got home, to cry to. What got me upset, was the thinking of...Why does this mom get to make her daughter an appointment, and not me? Why is her daughter still alive, and not mine? It isn't fair.... It just broke me down so much baby. I was so hurt & angry at God, at myself. I'm sorry if you saw that....

That same thinking is what makes me afraid to attend the graduation tomorrow. Even though I will try so hard not to, to keep it together...it's uncontrollable sometimes. The whole time, I will be thinking...how come they get to graduate & not you? Why do they get to grow up & move on with their lives, & not my baby? It's not fair. It's just not fair...if anybody deserved a happy & healthy life, it was you.

I don't know if I can bare it baby. I don't know if I can go through with it. I hope you understand. Sissy thinks that you would be sad not being able to graduate, so she doesn't think we should go. I just don't know...Daddy said he might just go with Bella. I hope that will be ok.

Bella came home with the yearbook today. They included this insert. One for you & Conner. It's so sweet.

I want you to be proud of me honey. I want to be strong for you & your sisters. Believe me, I'm trying. But some things might be too much for me right now. From the beginning, it's been too much, too soon. All I ask is that you understand. If you can, please pray for Him to give me strength. He owes me that much. Please ask him for me...

Everything they said is true. You were kind, caring, loving, supportive, a hard worker, beautiful person inside & out. You stuck up for what you believed in, committed to your friends & always did the right thing. You were & still are our sunshine.

I love you baby mouse. I'm so proud of you still. You were so smart & dedicated to school. Always tried your best. Everybody loved you. You would of graduated tomorrow with your friends. You would of looked beautiful, always glowing with that magical smile. We would of went out to dinner to celebrate afterwards & talked about our plans for the summer...

It would of been great.

I love you forever.

Forever your mommy.

Auntie

My dear beautiful girl,

Today was Auntie's birthday. We were remembering our trip to Bethany Beach last year on her b-day. We woke up early in the morning & met them there. It was our first time visiting that beach & had so much fun. She remembered you convincing her to go in the still-cold water. Sissy remembered you & the kids following uncle Chris while he was snorkeling & accidently getting lost. You were crying & scared. We were scared too. Thanks to that lady that let you use her cell phone, we found you. You kids were so smart to call....after that, we had auntie's b-day lunch & ice cream cones for dessert.

I'm so glad we went. We're always going to hold on to the all the special memories of all our trips & adventures. Who would of ever thought....that just a year from then we'd be celebrating her birthday without you. I try not to think these things...it makes me sad.

You know, when we would plan things to do with you kids, it would be to just go do something fun. To spend time together. We would of never guessed one day we'd be holding on to the memories like treasures. That's what they are now. Treasures.

                                   

                                      You loved your Auntie so much, & I know you still do.

Even when we didn't plan anything at all, but just to hang out you girls would be so excited. She has always been like your second mommy, with a different kind of love, patience & warmth to provide. I always knew from the way you girls love her, that if something ever happened to me, I would want her to be the one to take over...

                                           This pic was from her b-day dinner last night:

Look at how pretty she looks. :)

We went out- just the girls, to celebrate last night. I actually put make-up on & bothered to pick out a cute outfit. I also got my hair done the day before. Big, big steps baby. I haven't cared about any of that since you passed. Even going back to work; getting up & dressed, brushing my hair, attempting to hide the dark circles under my eyes...it was all a challenge. I think...who cares what I look like? My baby is gone.

I thought about you while I got my hair done. The last time, you were there. We all went right before the trip. You sat in the salon chair right beside me & just watched Brittney do her thing. Staring with those beautiful brown eyes....

I couldn't go back to see her this time. I couldn't bare to have to explain to her what happened. Not yet. She knows you, your sisters, about the trip....I just needed to go somewhere where no one knows. Where I don't have to be reminded or explain. But I'm always reminded. When the new girl asked how many kids I have, I still say 3 girls. I still have 3... that will never change. I just can't explain each time...

I was glad for the night out with the girls & to celebrate with Auntie. It forced me to get dressed up & out of the house. I've been scared to look in the mirror, so I just can imagine what others see & think. But mainly I just care about what you would think. My fashionista & little diva. You were the only one that bothered to watch me dress before I went out. You were the one I would ask for advice on clothes, shoes, hair styles. I miss that so much. But even now baby, you are still my inspiration. I know you were beside me last night while I was getting ready. I could see you there with a big smile on your face.

I love you so much my mouse. Where ever I go, I take you with me. Always in my heart & always on my mind.

My sweet angel that I miss.

Always and forever, your mommy. <3

Coping

My mouse,

Another week has passed. Each day I wake up & get through is a big deal, but leaves me mentally & physically exhausted. Still, for each step I take forward, I am grateful.

Last week Bella & I went to the book store. I bought a few books on grief & coping with losing a child....You.

I got one for her on that subject & a few for me. Knowing your sister & her love for books, you know she ran to the kids section while I was looking for mine & guess what she found? She was so excited. A copy of the new Pinkalicious: Aqualicious book. And guess what this one is about? Pinkalicious goes to the beach & finds a mermaid. :)

Coincidence? I think not.

We couldn't believe it. We didn't forget that the Pinkalicious series was always your favorite. Your collection of the all the books are still in your bookcase. I remember the one birthday I got you the Pinkalicious doll, holding a magic wand. You were so happy. You sat her in your baby stroller & pushed her all around...I'm sure she's still in your room too.

So of course I bought the book for Bella. She finished it even before we got home. I asked her to read it to me too after I finish all mine. She also got a book on Wizards. She said on our last hiking trip with Dylan & Tyler, each of you had a special wizard stick (hiking sticks), each with a special power & codes to activate the power (she couldn't tell me the powers or codes, because all of you swore to secrecy). She got the Wizard book to get ideas for more special powers and spells. I love that Bella is still a kid, after all. Maybe you can help them with a few magic tricks? ;)

The other book I got her is one we read together with Sissy:

It's really nice, the way it explains life...being like the wind. That wind doesn't just disappear, it just moves on to somewhere new...

These are the ones I got for me:

I started on one, and moved to the other...going back and forth each day. They've helped baby. Just like all the online websites I've visited over these last few weeks. On grief, loss, grieving parents...of course they are the most heartbreaking. It's made me realize that I am not alone. Unfortunately. There are many parents out there who have suffered the loss of their babies, kids, even grown kids. Either way, it's the same pain we share.

Weather it was before, during childbirth or after...car accidents, illnesses, war, murders, kidnappings, suicide....it's all horrible, horrible...things that shouldn't happen to anyone. But they do. All the time. And you don't really stop to think about it, the full meaning of it, until it happens to you. Although selfishly sometimes, I find solace & relief in knowing you at least passed feeling no pain...

My heart breaks for those parents the most. The pain starts there, and is passed on to everyone else. In our case...grandma, Pop Pop, Papi, Ayde, Auntie, Mikey, Zulie, your cousins, the kids, Uncle Chris, Aunt Deedee, Nanny....everyone that loves you baby. We are all feeling it. I know it's not just me, even though it may feel that way sometimes. Maybe I'll send them books too...

The therapist recommended I try a support group of bereaved parents only, to see if it will help cope with the pain. She said anyone can give advice, but no one, but parents who've lost their child/children can truly relate.


That's why the books & websites help....specially the ones that are written by parents. Grief, however painful in many forms...cannot be compared to the grief of losing a child. Of losing you..

I know deep down inside, no matter how many books I read, medications I take, therapy sessions I attend... nothing will ever change what happened. But they may help cope with the pain, which is what I need right now baby. I've realized I can't do it alone. So I have to try...

I have to face the reality of living without you. Throughout my life, I've been through so many trails & had so many bad things happen. I've had to fight on my own many times, whether by choice or circumstance.

But this doesn't compare. Nothing can ever compare to this. Other than something happening to your sisters...and if that ever happens, than you might as well just take me too. I'm sorry...

I know this pain will be lifelong. I decided I'm willing to live with that, for the sake of your sisters. But what I don't know is how. How do I?

So I have to start somewhere. The support group the therapist recommended meets next week. I'm to bring a picture of you. I don't have to speak, but I can. Or just listen. Or just cry. Either way, I was told I am more than welcome. I am so thankful.

I have to be brave baby. I still need you by my side to get through this, ok? This time, I can't do it alone...

I love you my pinkalicious girl. Forever & ever...

You are in my heart.

Forever your mommy. <3

Moments of you

My Dear Baby girl,

I was reading on the internet, something about a pink sunset in our area the last couple of nights. I had to see for myself. So I went for a walk, and saw this:

Glad I did, it was beautiful. Made me think of you.

I saw the family of geese that come visit each year too. The babies are growing fast. How many times we did walk & ride bikes by this lake, and we would stop so you could admire the cute fuzzy yellow babies...

It was funny this morning, they were stopping traffic, while trying to cross the street, waddling slowly one behind the other. They could care less about the cars stopped waiting for them to cross. It was only funny because it was on the opposite side of the road that I had to take to get to work...

Daddy took Bella to the pool, while sissy was straightening her hair for a concert she's going to tomorrow. So I walked alone. Bella saw your mermaid towel in the closet & decided to take it to the pool. Daddy said she laid it on the pool chair next to hers, just for you. I think she did this because of an incident that happened on the bus the other day.

I picked her up from the bus stop & and as soon as she saw me, she started to cry. She said some little boy sat in your seat, in the back of the bus & all the kids started to yell at him, "That's Hailey's seat. You can't sit there!" Even the bus driver I guess got on the loudspeaker & ordered the boy to move because it was your seat. Bella said when she heard your name out loud like that, it made her sad.

I hugged & kissed her, wiped away her tears. I told her I was sorry they didn't think about her feelings, but it was sweet they still save your seat. I offered to speak with the bus driver, but Bella shook her head. She said the bus driver is nice, & that she knows you are sisters. One of the kids told Bella the day they all found out, they were all sad, including the bus driver. Apparently she stopped the bus & told the kids to hug their loved ones when they got home. Because you just never know...

We all think of you all the time mouse.

You exist in all our hearts & minds.

In the sunrises & sunsets.
In the cool summer breeze.
In sunshine & rain.
In butterflies & birds that sing.
In flowers that bloom.
In music & sweet fragrances.

In places we used to go.
Places we used to eat.

Because all those things beautiful & familiar, make us feel closer to you.

You made such an impact in our lives baby girl. I hope you know, how much you are still thought of & loved.

Always & forever...

Your mommy that adores you.

Sad

Dear beautiful girl,

I've been struggling this past week. I don't want you to worry please. If you've been watching...I'm trying very hard to be strong for you girls. I don't want you to be sad either. I had a vision of you in my dreams, sitting on the steps, looking away from me with such a sad expression. It broke my heart...

I'm trying so hard.

I love you.

I miss you.

So much it hurts.

That is my struggle.

Not eons...7 weeks. But feels like 70..

Don't lose faith in me, ok?

Please...

Forever your mommy.

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
― Anne Lamott 

Memories

Dear Hailey,

In the past couple of weeks, I've printed hundreds of pictures that I've had stored on my camera, phone & Facebook. Going back a couple years even. I didn't realize there were so many...and now I'm so grateful for them. You would tease me about posting pics on FB, remember? Every time I'd ask you girls to pose, you'd say "Omg mommy, are you going to post these on FB?" You'd roll your eyes, but deep down inside I knew you liked the attention. The family would tease me too. Every family get together, I'd be the one with camera in my hand. Now I know why...

It's been both a painful & healing process to go through them. Starting with the memorial service, I had to choose some for the slide show. Once the service was over, I couldn't just put them away. Not only because I didn't want to, but because now I have to choose some for the bronze plaque that will be permanently placed on your grave.

I came up with a memory book idea; a scrapbook. I spent a couple of hours at Michael's one day going through stickers, scrapbook albums, paper, patterns...the staff ladies walked by a couple of times probably wondering what I was doing. I spent a lot of money too. But I didn't care about that... I want it to be special. There are pictures, albums, & picture frames scattered all around the living room.

Staring at them daily has made me realize some things.

Over the years, Daddy & I were not the perfect parents. We could of tried better to give you girls a house, save for college or even for our retirement. But we didn't. We liked to have fun. We liked to buy things. We liked to go out to eat, go to the movies, go on trips, family outings....we spoiled you girls.

It's all in the pictures baby. All our adventures: from living in New York, to our trips to New Jersey, California, Tennessee, Florida (Disney World), DC, beach trips, festivals, zoos, circuses, concerts, museums, Ice shows, ice skating, fishing, amusement parks...All your birthday parties, & holidays. School field trips. All the Easter egg hunts with your cousins...sooo many memories.

And I don't regret any of it. If I could do it all over again, I would.

If I had no memories of you, or of us to sustain me right now & instead just a big empty house with expensive furniture, I don't think I would of made it this far. It's all meaningless. The only material things I cherish, are the little things you left behind. The art & cards you made for me in school, on Mother's days, birthdays, all your writings; those small things are more valuable than gold.

Yes, it's painful to realize that is all I have left of you. But next to nothing, I'll take it. I will continue to look at them when I miss you. In the pictures & videos, I will look for your smile, laugh, all those expressions that I miss. I will hear your voice. They will remind me that even though you only had a short time with us, they were the best times ever.

We weren't perfect, but we loved & provided for you girls the best we could. I hope you know that baby...I hope you feel the same way. I hope that if you see my crying when I'm alone looking at our memories, it's only because I wish we could have another lifetime more together. That in my pain, there is also joy in knowing that you lived a happy almost-eleven years on this Earth.



Sisters for life. Just a pin drop of memories.

I wouldn't change it for the world. Not for all the money, clothes, jewelry, cars...nothing. None of that stuff matters in the end. From the beginning, you girls were always enough.

I love you & miss you more, with every breath I take, my beautiful angel.

I will hang on to our memories forever. They will live in all our hearts. They will be passed on...

Until we see you again.

Forever your mommy <3

Dreams

Hi baby doll,

It's been raining most the week. I was thankful for the cool-down at first, but now I'm ready for some sunshine. I wish there was a happy medium to everything, & never an extreme of one way or another.

It's been a busy week. Your sisters have had their SOL's, soccer, and Kayla's chorus concert. Plus, you know I went back to work. Monday, Bella's soccer team had a pizza party over at Tony's. Remember Daddy's favorite, closest-to-NY pizza place? We sat with 2 of the parents that happened to be from NY. I could tell right away, with the accents & all. We talked about missing NY, but never wanting to go back to live.

Bella got a participation medal & the coach's daughter made cupcakes. Then the kids went to play outside. I also saw my high school friend, the assistant coach's wife. Remember I recognized him during their first practice, from all the pictures she posted on Facebook? We laughed about that. I thanked her for coming to your service. I saw her at mass, but never got a chance to speak to her afterwards. It meant a lot that she came.

I didn't forget how you wanted to start soccer too, after watching Bella play. Specially after that first game, you got excited thinking about buying cute new cleats & wearing a uniform. Bella wasn't too crazy about you "copying" her, because she wanted soccer to be just her "thing". I hope you get to play in heaven baby girl....I know you're wearing the cutest cleats of all the angels.

Bella is thinking about going back to gymnastics this summer. She said it was fun when you both took the classes last year at the Freedom Center. Then she wants to back to soccer in the fall. We'll see...I'll support her in anything she wants to do, as long as she still enjoys it.

Same for Sissy, who had her last chorus concert on Tuesday. Daddy met us at her school since it was since early day. They did great as usual, but when they sang Bohemian Rhapsody they got a standing ovation. It was so awesome. I know you were there, but I recorded it just in case:

https://youtu.be/JHQELk5f_ZA

Sissy said you & her would sing that song in her room, so it wasn't easy for her. Even during practice, she got teary eyed. She even had second thoughts about going to the concert. I left it up to her, and she decided to go. I'm so glad she did. We were very proud. I got teary eyed too watching.

It's kind of sad that she isn't going to do chorus next year. She said she wants to try something new. That's ok too. It's good to try new things to find out where your real passion lies. Then just go for it. She says she wants to do something involving music in college. That she plans to restart piano again in the summer and learn guitar. Her goal; to overcome her shyness of singing in public.

I support her too. I just reminded her that music is a tough & competitive field. But if you want something bad enough, willing to work for it, then you can make it happen. Dreams are good...but have a plan B just in case.

You always wanted to be a teacher. The 'baby whisperer", so good with kids. Always loving & patient, playful...you were so amazing baby girl. No one plays with your easel anymore. But I leave it in the living room anyway. Along with all your binders & workbooks. Your eraser & expo markers...it's all there. Sometimes when papi's kids come, they play with it. Bella said in the summer she wants them to come over to play all the games you made up for them to play, like "Group B". I know you'll be here when they do, making sure they play the right way. :)

I try not to grieve for the future. What could & should of been...I picture you in heaven surrounded by many angel babies. Teaching, loving & caring for them.

I want to believe that even in heaven, your dreams came true...that you got your chance, still, at happiness.

You were my dream come true; all my girls. I didn't know it then of course. It wasn't until I became a mom of 3 beautiful girls that I realized, this is what I was meant to be. And I will always be, a mom of 3..

I love you all the way up to the sky. My beautiful angel..

If you can, please come visit me in my dreams. I miss you.

Forever your mommy <3

Princess

Pretty princess

My Princess~

There never lived a more prettier princess than you. A radiance that shined from within, a heart so pure & true.

A smile & laugh so magical, that lit up every room. Made our house happy, even in days of gloom.

Big bear hugs that warmed up my soul,
In between laughs, my breath you stole.

A voice so happy & sweet, that lifted me up on my lowest of days. From the ground up to my feet.

My pretty princess no one will ever forget.
Knowing you no one will ever regret.

We were the lucky ones to know you.
To have you by our side.
I will always speak of you,
With immense pride.

My pretty princess.
Please know that I love you so.
In my heart you will live forever,
And my love for you, will only grow.

~~





Tired

Dear Hailey,

Today was not a good day. I'm so very tired. It's exhausting to constantly fight these feelings, to just lose at the end. I finally broke down and asked God for help. I don't know if he'll hear me, or if he can. Nothing will bring you back, so nothing will ever be right again.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Let it be a sunny day.
Let no one ask me questions about you.
Let no one remind me of "how painful it must feel."
Let no one with a healthy 11 year old remind me you're not.
Let no one make me aware I look sad, and ask "are you ok?"
Let them quiet down their loud overjoyous laughs.
Let no one ask me again, "how are you?"

Because I can't answer questions I don't have the answer to.

Because I don't need to be reminded of how awful the pain is. I live with it every day.

Because it's not fair another mom can have a healthy, live 11 yr old, and I can't.

Because I'm fully aware and frightened of the stranger I see in the mirror each time.

Because I can barely bring myself to smile.

Because I don't know how I am. I don't know anything anymore. Except that...

I miss you.
I love you.

I will keep fighting.
I will keep loving.
I will keep living.

For you.
For your sisters.
For daddy.

Until we see you again,

Forever Your mommy <3

Love

JDRF

Dear Mouse,     

                                                                                                                                                                        This is the picture we took after our first mile, the halfway mark of JFRF walk yesterday. You can see the monument, "the pencil" behind us. It was pretty hot but we made it. Look at how big our group was. Even a couple of friends that I knew since 4th grade, since I was your age...came to show their support. :)
                                                              
                                                                    http://jdrf.org/

Our superhero's team

I've been learning so much of Type 1 diabetes. Sometimes it's torture for me. Sissy & Bella don't like it when they catch me on the laptop reading. They know it makes me sad. I think things like "if I only knew before..."why didn't I know before?" I wonder what if....why not, and just why?

I know it's not healthy to do. But I'm your mom. I have to know what happened to you. I need to know. So I just read on, thinking there won't be a next time. That in the future if one of your sisters gets sick, I'll know right away. That there won't be a repeat...

It's a scary illness baby. Sometimes I wonder after reading some of the stories, of how hard your life would of been had things turned out differently. You were always so fragile. You'd cry about the smallest boo-boo. You'd run to me crying, showing me your leg or hand with the smallest scratch or sometimes nothing visible at all. But I would of been there for you, like always. Helping & mending, kissing your boo-boos, because it was my job.

I read stories of death, almost-death & survival. I think about Joe & Carole and the girls. I admire their strength. I pray for them. For all of us. That no more victims fall to this illness. For a cure...

 

I would of traded places with you if I could.
 

 

 

The hardest thing to accept is that we can't turn back time. The only change we can make is in the future. Spread awareness of the illness & for a cure. So another mom won't cry herself to sleep wondering why she never knew...

 

Sending you a million kisses, my beautiful girl. I love you to the moon & back,

Forever your mommy <3